There is a chance my father in law will come to live with my husband and I soon. DH works long hours and I do not work, I mostly take care of the household tasks. We are currently undergoing fertility treatment and there is a high likelihood I will be pregnant within the next year.
I have no issues living with FIL, doing laundry, cooking, helping arrange/transport to doctor appointments etc. But I draw the line at bathing/toileting which are real concerns. FIL has a degenerative disease and while he mostly handles the toilet on his own, he does wet the bed sometimes, and his condition will only decline over time.
I have a history of trauma and the idea of having to perform intimate care for a male who is not my husband or child makes me so uncomfortable I have been incredibly anxious just thinking about it. It's not like I have a reason to distrust FIL but I just feel uncomfortable. I can't sleep well at night and feel nausea during the day.
I know we can hire a caregiver to help with showers, but toileting seems like a daily task with unpredictable timing and not like something we can just wait for a caregiver to take care of unless we had somebody 24/7 which is probably not in the budget realistically.
DH says because he already works long hours he doesn't want to have another task on top of that. He feels burnt out from work. Since I expressed my discomfort with this particular task he said he felt hurt, as if I don't care about his parents. Of course I care about and love them but this is the one thing I cannot do...
My own family may just be much more conservative as I know the elders in my family would not feel comfortable asking us for help with such tasks. Both of my parents passed away in their middle age so it didn't come up directly but I distinctly remember both my mom and grandmother saying they would never want to impose on me like that. DH thinks it's more of an imposition/loss of dignity to have somebody outside the family.
How do I express this boundary while still maintaining family relationships/not hurting their feelings? Or should I just suck it up and do it?
Don't let him move in
Just... don't
Elderly parents belong in facilities if they cannot care for themselves, not in their children's homes ruining their lives.
You just have to tell hubby no I can not do that. Dad will have to live somewhere else. It's too much to ask of you.
FIL is unlikely to become more continent.
DH isn’t going to clean him.
A paid caregiver isn’t going to be there all the time to clean him.
You aren’t going to clean him.
I think your house is going to be a not very clean place if no one cleans FIL. Clean laundry can only help so much.
At the very least, a paid caregiver should bathe him as often as possible and let you know when his skin needs medical care. When it gets bad enough to look like he is being neglected, THEN it will be time to place him?
You need individual counseling to explore whether you can set an enforceable boundary or work around your trauma.
Your husband needs counseling to prioritize his work/life balance and how to plan for taking on FIL’s bills and adding two (or more!) high maintenance family members to the household.
You both need marriage counseling to work out whether you can share a vision of what a successful family looks like.
I would take the tens of thousands you are wasting on IVF and run. Because you probably won't conceive because of the high stress.
I am sorry but, his words are poison to a healthy relationship and a death sentence to what you and he have or should I say don't have.
I am also going through fertility treatments. I just had 2 rounds of ivf. Is that what you're doing? I can understand not working. Between the doctors appointments and the shots it's nearly impossible to have a reasonable schedule. I ended up stopping my job and getting a remote job instead. The pay isn't great but it's something and I can do it in my own time. Fertility treatments are expensive. I can understand your husband's burn out. I think he loves his father and is blinded to the fact of how much work it's going to be for you once he arrives. You need to spell out why you won't have time to care for him while taking care of a newborn and managing household tasks. Set a firm boundary that he can not move in EVER. Once he moves in, it will be hard to get him out. If you're going through IVF heavy lifting and bending down are things you shouldn't be doing. Same when you're pregnant. Let your husband know that. Your health and the health of your baby comes first. Make all your boundaries and expectations clear. If he doesn't agree than you may have to move on. In the meantime, getting even a part time remote job would be good to have an excuse why you can't help with FIL and you can contribute to fertility expenses. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted. If you need any IVF tips please pm me.
This scenario isn't realistic on many levels, but the fact that FIL will be declining while you will be raising one baby toward independence while caring for another who'll never become more independent is a real problem. How will you take your infant to the park for a playdate is FIL is at home alone and shouldn't be? This is just one tiny example of how this just won't work.
I'll throw in one more example that you won't have thought of. If you have a baby -- like my first child -- who turns out to have colic, you'll be dealing with an infant who screams and cries for eight hours straight EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My daughter started that when she was three weeks old, and it went on for five months. I was a jittering wreck every afternoon when 3:30 rolled around, because that's when it would start. She went until 10 p.m. before collapsing, exhausted, into sleep. She also projectile vomited everything that went into her (also related to the colic), so I was on my hands and knees cleaning carpet, floors, and furniture when I wasn't pacing the floors with her. My husband came home one night and found dinner not ready AGAIN, and actually said, "What do you DO all day that you can't get dinner ready?" (HUGE mistake.)
The reason why I'm telling you this is that the unknowns of just having a newborn are huge, not to mention the unknowns of a high-risk pregnancy. You truly cannot handle FIL as well, and this shouldn't even be on the table. You and your husband need to have a sit-down meeting and he needs a come-to-Jesus moment where he understands that just because things don't happen in front of him (because he's at work) doesn't mean they don't happen.
Put the brakes on this whole plan and find other accommodations for FIL.
And I'm not joking here -- DO NOT have a baby with your husband until the two of you are 100% on the same page about this.
Which is to say you should change both.
Caregiving at any level is going to mean exposure to his privates.
You mentioned that your H said it's as if you don't care about his parents.
ParentS? Where is his mother? Are you eventually going to be expected to take her in, too?
Please read and consider the excellent responses below.
Your Fil has not even moved in yet-and his needs will be changing.
You have the right to say "No" to the move-in.
And you want a baby.
So imagine your average day, crying baby, sleepless nights, potentially. Then chores and sick, maybe cranky FIL, then hubby burnt out from work? He is already protecting himself by putting blame on you. It is self preservation.
How about you? 24/7, baby or not, FIL’s degenerative disease, almost definitely you will be doing all of this and more.
I care for husband with PD, who is very independent.
If times come I will never ever do any of toileting things. This is not about caring, this is what we are willing or rather not willing to do.
And having every right to refuse!
Put the fertility treatments on hold because they are very expensive and cause your husband to be burnt out from working so hard. He will also not be available for his parental duties, and will be absent.
Moving in an additional family member (his family) will only add to the conditions that make your home a pass on bringing in a child to raise.
You need to say "NO". No to everything that your husband has planned for your life, your time, your commitment.
Time to reconsider his commitment to you. People just don't get a pass to say they don't want to add a task, when it is they themselves causing the need for additional tasks/work. Your dH does not get to assign you this task.
What are you thinking?
Any intimacy with your husband will be destroyed once you are there to only cook, clean, and serve your Fil, husband,and child. You may not be super woman who can go from changing sheets, the baby's diapers, and then crawl into bed.
I would rethink having a baby with this man as well as my future with him in general. Any man who is 'feeling hurt' over the fact that his wife has a history of trauma, and is now not sleeping well & feeling nausea during the day over the thought of providing intimate care for a FIL after AGREEING to take the old man into her home in the first place needs a wake up call and a Come to Jesus meeting. He's not taking your feelings into consideration at ALL when you've been gracious enough to accept his father into your home, which is above & beyond, in my opinion. For that alone he should be extremely grateful and praising your name. Instead, he's giving you all sorts of grief for not wanting to wipe his father's behind, should that need arise, which it undoubtedly WILL. Think about what he's doing here, and what message he's sending you.
Is THIS a husband who's worthy of you? And a man you want to father your child? Is this a FIL you want to be caring for 24/7 in addition to caring for his son and potentially an infant as well? You have a lot to think about b/c your husband has now shown you who he is. Are you going to believe him?
Whatever you decide to do here, please DO NOT 'just suck it up and do it.' You are leaving your self respect and values on the table by doing such a thing, and there is a loss of respect for HIM in the process of doing so. Therein lies the beginning of the ruin of the relationship, from my own personal experience in such matters. Once you lose respect for your husband, it's all downhill from there.
Best of luck with a very tough situation.
I can't for the life of me figure out why you would stay with a man who doesn't understand your position. Much less why you'd consider having children with him.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but that's how I'm seeing it.
I had an Uncle like this who was an only child. His Mom had a terminal brain tumor. Instead of leaving her in a SNF he brought her home for my Aunt (Dad's sister) to care for her. My Aunt had 3 small kids the youngest under one. Her MIL was bedridden and could not help at all. My Aunt said no. You know why he brought Mom home? To save his inheritance.
I agree, I would not consider bringing a baby into this.
You have a powerful desire to start a new “family” with a man who appears to be willing to put you in second place to another member of his earlier family relationship.
Doing so is not fair to any of you, INCLUDING your husband.
Your question is answering itself by what you are saying. Many of us have attempted arrangements similar to what you are looking for, and the results have often ranged from sad to disastrous.
Bringing an infant into this situation? Please PLEASE think about what you are considering. Caregiving is NEVER easy. Birthing and parenting an infant is NEVER easy. The goal is keeping it as simple as possible. How can you do that?
PLEASE take good care of YOURSELF!
The least of your problems will be the intimate care part. The difference between having a baby and caring for an adult with a degenerative disease is that the baby eventually grows up and becomes more independent, gets potty trained, etc. But your FIL's illness will demand more and more of your time and attention and energy. The impact on your totaly family AND your marriage makes this a very definite NO.
Your FIL will actually do better is a nice facility where he will have all the care he needs and social exposure as well. How does your husband think you will get him into a car by yourself -- with a child -- to take him to appointments if he is physically compromised? What about when he requires a walker, or wheelchair? Do you have stairs in your home? Wide doorways and big bathrooms that can accommodate him? Even if he doesn't need this now, he will eventually and this means your home is not the proper place for him on even a practical level. If it is a financial concern -- that's FIL's problem and not yours.
Tell your husband you do not want to do it. Do not give any other reason because he (and your FIL) will find ways to "make it work" but the reality is, it won't ever be a good scenario. Just have your husband read the other posts on this forum from women/wives/SOs who did exactly what your husband is wanting. It's a disaster waiting to happen -- at the cost of your immediate family.
You are not bad or wrong for saying NO. You are smart for even coming to this forum to get confirmation about something you had a forboding about.
He works full time and doesnt want the task of cleaning pee and poo off his dad should he have an accident but he is ok with you doing it. Even though you have already expressed trauma at the thought of having to see his fathers penis.
Sorry but this situation will not be workable in the long run with your husband's attitude. Especially as dad declines and needs more care and son doesnt want to put him in a facility.
Put the baby making on hold until this situation is ironed out. You may find you dont like the man you are married to when you see how selfish he is with his demands that you take care of his father.
But the current reality is you may be expecting an elderly male to move in - who will need similar care.. if not 24/7 now, needs may increase as you mentioned 'degenerative disease'.
It is good to really examine this issue now & how it may change your household. How it will change your lives - mostly yours.
Where does your FIL currently live?
She will be changing diapers for the baby and the FIL and her husband will make her life a living hell. If she decides she can't do it anymore. As we have seen time and time again on this forum.
Husband is showing her his true colors now in regards to her being the one to take care of his father.
She is a fool if she ignores these warning signs about what is to come with her being forced to continue to care for FIL.