As my mother declines, I’ve noticed when she dresses herself in the mornings, she forgets underwear. She needs to wear pull- ups due to her incontinence. Often has diarrhea.
Today she had dried poo up and down her legs, was wearing pee dampened slacks with no underwear. I cleaned her up as best I could. I know she hadn’t showered since September. She refuses all help and assistance. She does get a daily sponge bath I believe but hard to really know when she refuses help, assistance, even an aspirin. But shouldn’t she be clean at least????? I only see her twice a week, and my sister sees her once a week. So what is happening the other days??? Her mental decline seems so rapid. Should I be bathing her myself? This home is $12,000 a month. Doesn’t seem like she gets much care for her money to me. Does anyone else’s loved ones in nursing homes remain dirty like this? Is this normal care? I don’t want to complain but …….
When my father arrived at the first nursing home he was in he received adequate care. I would not call it great or even good. I'd call it adequate. Basic hygiene was kept up on and he wasn't left in wet or loaded diapers. He was in the short-stay rehab part for physical/occupational/speech therapy. At this time his bill was covered by Medicare and secondary insurance.
Then it wasn't. It was determined by their "expert" staff that six weeks of therapy and rehab is plenty of time for him to recover from a massive stroke. He wasn't making progress fast enough so received no more rehab therapy.
He also stopped receiving the adequate care he was getting. Whenever I showed up, he was always in a wet diaper and in bed. Then the nurse would call and say he had a rash. Or a small 'irritation'. I looked at this 'irritation' myself and it was a sore. The kind that incontinent people get who are not decently kept and not properly repositioned. They claimed I was wrong and I claimed that I'd been looking at and cleaning diapered backsides for over 20 years. I was born at night, but it wasn't last night. I took pictures on my phone. My father was also seriously injured. They claim he fell out of bed which was also a lie.
He was admitted to the hospital and then got into the facility I wanted him in because I've got friends who work there. My father was still on cash-pay and of course I stopped payment on the check. The harassing phone calls from the nursing home stopped abruptly when they started hearing from a big law firm that advertises on tv and billboards who specializes in nursing home abuse and neglect.
Please speak to a personal injury lawyer who also handles nursing home abuse/neglect cases. Most of them do and they offer a free consultation to talk with them and it won't cost you anything. The statute of limitations likely has not run out if your sister died in 2020.
No one should ever allow a nursing home to get away with abuse and neglect. If everyone who has a LO in a care facility was as vicious and spiteful as I am, nursing homes would be very nice places.
Please have a consultation with a lawyer. You deserve satisfaction and so does the blessed memory of your sister.
It is irrelevant where the nursing home is getting their money from or how much is being collected for a resident.
The source be it private cash-pay, a long-term care policy, or Medicaid doesn't matter.
A resident who is walking around with dried piss and sh*t down their legs and without a clean pull-up or diaper on is downright neglect. Plain and simple. That is nursing home neglect and abuse. The nursing home regardless of how much or how little they're getting for a resident is collecting more than enough to keep that person in clean pull-ups or diapers if need be.
Basic hygiene and cleanliness is a human right. When it is being paid for like in a nursing home or hospital and being ignored, that is a crime.
Of course there are elders who refuse to get changed or washed. Some can even get downright nasty about it. I've had many care clients like this. Never in almost 25 years of service have I ever left an elder in their own mess or without a clean diaper or pull-up.
Care facility staff often use the 'resident refuses help' as an excuse to slack off so they don't have to get the hard work done like getting someone washed and changed. Sometimes there has to be a bit of intimidation to get the work done. This sounds harsh, but a person recovers a lot easier from a bit of intimidation then they do from UTI's, skin infections, sores and all kinds of sickness that comes from being filthy and exposed to excrement.
Being nice to the staff does not improve resident care. Being respectful enough and making sure they know you're on top of your LO's care is what will get an elder adequate care in a facility.
Yes!
"Basic hygiene and cleanliness is a human right. When it is being paid for like in a nursing home or hospital and being ignored, that is a crime."
Double yes!
"This sounds harsh, but a person recovers a lot easier from a bit of intimidation then they do from UTI's, skin infections, sores and all kinds of sickness that comes from being filthy and exposed to excrement."
Triple times yes!
"Care facility staff often use the 'resident refuses help' as an excuse to slack off so they don't have to get the hard work done like getting someone washed and changed."
Million times yes!
I pretty quickly learned that the staff was loving, eager to please their clients, and focused on the safety and welfare of the patients in their care.
I affirmed to management and the actual care staff that I wanted her to be kept clean, as she would have wanted to be when she was managing for herself, and I gave permission for them to be “firm” and “directive” on shower days.
When I got reports that the had been more compliant, I praised her to the skies, complimented her beautiful silvery hair, told her she smelled “delicious”, brought her fresh lipstick and face powder.
I was visiting every day, and knew that the reporting of problems at the MC was fastidious, and also knew that she’d be bruising and frightened if she was being pushed too hard. She NEVER WAS.
Then of course the Pandemic ruined everything. When I could visit again, I found circumstances to be pretty much, as far as keeping her clean, as they’d been before the lockdowns.
I’ve always had good luck with ingratiating the staff before problems arise, and also supporting the benefits of THEIR hard work in successfully providing the best
care that they can for my LO’s.
Usually the ones I couldn’t win over were not long for the job.
I realize that you “‘don’t want to complain”, but can you find some little points to praise? Can you try “firm but gentle”, and assure them that you know they’ll never do anything to hurt her, but will be insistent that she shower, with their help?
One thing I found when Mom was in the NH was they ask "Mrs E do u want a shower?" Moms answer was "No". I told the aide the answer will always be No. They are like children in that respect. I told the aide not to ask just do. I never asked Mom when she lived with me "do u want a shower". I just said "Come on Mom time to shower" and walked her to the bathroom.
"Mrs E do u want a shower?" Mom’s answer was "No".
Sometimes staff uses exactly that as an excuse not to shower. They know very well the person will say “no”. Easy way out: “She said ‘no’. Yipee, I don’t need to do anything! Less work for me!”
everyone’s answers here are quite helpful to me.
You may find that your mother is telling them confidently that she can manage, or that she'll get dressed later on, and there are limits to how far we can argue. If what you observed about dried soiling on her legs or wet clothing is more than a one-off, talk to whoever wrote the care plan about trying different approaches to offering support.
Practical tips: look at how your mother's clothing and underwear are laid out, and make sure it all makes sense to her - not by lecturing her or telling her, but by going through a dressing or washing routine with her. If you're having to fetch and find, for example, then you can be sure she won't be able to do this when she's on her own and it will be worth a rethink.
If it's possible for you and your sibling to visit at different times, you will see this occurrence often. They're not keeping up on her basic hygiene.
If I were you, I'd take pictures of this and visit a law firm that specializes in nursing home neglect. This is nursing home neglect. People usually decline fast in a nursing home. To answer your other question, no you should not be bathing her. I've never heard of a nursing home allowing family members to shower residents because of the liability. Your mother is being neglected and very likely so are the other residents. Next time you visit look around at the other residents, then follow your nose. If you're smelling piss and sh*t around the residents, then this nursing home neglecting basic hygiene care.
They may not understand the level she is deteriorating to, and they need to be informed. If you who visit so very faithfully are finding this, imagine what those seniors with no family are enduring. I would call an Ombudsman if this continues. A Nursing home could lose licensure for this.
You aren't complaining. You start with "I think perhaps the staff doesn't know, but could you enter in the care plan that blah blah blah. " I would be very nice the first time. If this continues I would document, and then tell them what I found, and that I would be reporting to State and Ombudsman if this continues. You don't have to shout, be mean, or anything else. It's just that this is NOT right and should not continue.
They need to be informed. They're collecting $12,000 a month. A facility gets paid that much to provide caregiving service. Part of that service is adequate basic hygiene care.
This facility has nurses, CNA's, administrators, social workers. They need to be told to wash someone's a$$ and make sure they're in a clean pull-up?
If they don't know that for 12 grand a month, then a lawyer specializing in nursing home neglect needs to explain it to them.
My comment is off-point, but I’m amazed people can afford $12,000/month. We would be ruined very quickly.
I would have a care meeting and tell them you don't care if she refuses help, they need to do this.
We had to tell the facility to just get my granny clean or she would always say no and be a toxic hazard.
You should also check other facilities, this seems very wrong.