Is this rape?

You are very angry and have already formed your own opinions on this situation: that your husband with Alzheimer's who's living in an Alzheimer's Facility HAS raped women, knows he's raped women, knows right from wrong in spite of having Alzheimer's, and that's the end of that, regardless that no charges were filed. Regardless that ISB *Inappropriate Sexual Behavior* is common with AD and that there are medications to control it, you've come here looking for validation to 'stop going to see him and call him only.'

Dementia is a lose/lose situation for EVERYONE. The entire family loses when a member is diagnosed with the disease and everyone suffers. All of the dementias are horrible and ugly, and we witness things we wish to God we'd never witnessed or heard or saw with our own eyes coming from the people we love. They say & do things we never thought they were capable of, yet somehow, they are. Because they have a diseased brain that no longer works properly. They've been known to eat their own feces. Is that 'better' or 'worse' than being found naked from the waist down with a female resident in one's room? They've been known to beat their wife almost to death in a fit of rage, too. Is that 'better' or 'worse' than what your DH has done? In reality, it's ALL horrible.

We can rage at God, the moon, one another......but the fact remains, our loved one is lost to a disease, and that's the truth of the matter. They're not doing things specifically to hurt or spite US, they're doing things b/c their addled minds are misfiring and sending them misguided signals. In your husband's case, his brain is sending him signals telling him his penis is in overdrive & to satisfy it no matter WHAT. Which has nothing to do with you, per se, b/c he's living in a different environment now where he doesn't even have a 'wife' or know what that relationship is all about anymore. If he's 'aware' of what he's doing and that it's 'wrong', he doesn't have the intellectual or emotional capacity left in him to CARE. Whether you'd like to attribute that to 'mental illness' or 'dementia' or 'insanity', what's the difference, really? His mind is gone now.

It is what it is.

Stop going and call only if it will make you feel better. It's okay to be angry, but try to direct your anger at the disease and not your husband, if possible. File for divorce if you'd like, and start a new life for yourself; that's okay to do too; just don't let the anger over his 'infidelity' eat you up alive. Don't apply rules of normalcy to a disease that's anything BUT normal. If your DH wasn't riddled with AD, THEN you could blame him for cheating, but not now. Now he's not responsible for his actions, no matter what the 'staff' or the 'doctors' tell you. Believe that b/c it's less hurtful and anger causing that what YOU are telling yourself: that he's a lying, cheating, womanizer who no longer loves you. What he really is is a very sick man.

With God's help, at some point, our medical scientists will START to understand the human brain a bit better so they can get some sort of grip on the disease that's tearing families apart and killing caregivers who are putting in endless hours at home trying to care for violent, angry, agitated elders who have no control over themselves anymore b/c their dementia has taken their minds over completely. That is my fervent prayer, truthfully.

I wish you grace and peace as you try to come to terms with all that's going on. And I hope you can carve out a new life for YOURSELF in the midst of this whole mess, too, b/c you deserve to.

When I was in the nursing home last year, a man with dementia came to my room and tried to get in my bed. He knew what he was doing on some level because he said with my broken leg I couldn't run away from him. I screamed and a male nurse removed him from my room. They weren't going to do anything about it. I called the sheriff that I knew and to avoid him being arrested, his family took him to a psych hospital. I've been in four nursing homes and there were problems with male residents at all four.

I would divorce him ASAP, this could get real nasty and expensive. He may not be totally gone due to dementia, but he is definitely mentally ill.

Forget about visiting or calling, hire an attorney and protect yourself. It is all in the records.

Be proactive just don't sit with your hands folded, hoping for a miracle, isn't going to happen.

My GFs mother was a very intelligent woman. When Mr. S was diagnosed with ALZ she read everything she could on the subject. She finally had to place him because he was getting too much for her. Both in their 80s with no family. We went with her to visit him in his MC facility. We walked in on him kissing a woman, What I saw was her leaning up for a kiss and him bending down. So she initiated it. Mrs S said, thats OK I read about this so I know it happens. Yes she knew but reading and seeing are two different things. She left with tears in her eyes.

My daughter is a RN who has worked in NHs. I said that the aides should not allow this. Keep them apart. My daughter says that the people with Dementia think another person is their spouse. To the point if you try to separate them, they will scream and holler. They are a couple and lots of times their real spouses come to visit. Its what it is, a broken, dying brain.

I am surprised that in all the testing that has been done on your husband that he is not medicated.

You know it saddens me that you say that "according to the staff" he's aware of what he's doing. I mean really??? Your husbands brain is now broken and will never get better. What part of that does the staff and you not understand? He is NOT aware of what's he's doing, and if he was in his right mind would probably be appalled at his actions.
This is so very common in memory care units,(and other facilities as well)and in most cases the staff is well aware of how to handle it.
You now have to do your best to separate the way your husband used to be before his dementia, and the man he has become. He's still your husband, but now his brain is broken.
And because folks with dementia only continue to get worse, this behavior will more than likely pass and he will be on to another.
I would recommend watching some of Teepa Snows videos on YouTube, as I'm sure she has some regarding this issue, along with educating yourself more on dementia so you can better understand what your husband is going through.
I wish you the very best.

Why is he in a facility if he "is not that far gone".

Dementia causes heightened sexual responses. My daughter worked NHs and has walked in on a couple and turned around and walked out.

Enough, if this is facility #4 for him and he has done other sexually or other inappropriate behavior at all the others, it’s just a matter of time that this one like the 3 others prior will want him gone. He’s toast on ever getting info another facility unless
- he/you have the $ to pay for private locked down psychiatric residential facility or
-he’s committed by the State to a institution or
- he’s incarcerated & after term served placed in transitional housing for registered sex offenders & on sex offender list till forever.
Your his spouse, everything is commingled unless somehow everything was separated property from date of marriage. Dealing with stuff like this a speciality divorce atty can deal with…. when you get down to it it’s about protecting your & others interest and get the bad behavior spouse contained and neutralized. The twist is this bad behavior is hubs is a sexual predator that so far has not been arrested. I’m not trying to make light of all this, just trying to get beyond the emotion. You didn’t indicate his age, but if he’s still youngish & healthy, he could have decades ahead of him.

I know you’re beyond mad but I think you have to have a plan in place as to having him placed into a locked down secure facility and he’s placed on whatever medications used for quell his ability to have an erection. He cannot continue to be able to make choices and that means either someone becomes his guardian or he becomes a ward of the State or is committed. I don’t think you can become his guardian as your his wife, but a family member of his can be. None of this is a DIY, find yourself a divorce atty who has experience with mentally ill spouses.

That there was no rape charge placed is probably that the woman was still dressed. And add to this - also imo probably reasons why he has not had charges filed and been cuffed by police and removed before - is that the women involved have had dementia. The women do not have the cognitive ability to answer questions; could not ever be able to testify in court. Unless he is on videotape with sound and beyond clear it was not consensual, situations like this are hard to prove. Law enforcement hates these kind of calls. The women's families aren’t going to want to put their mom through a rape kit, exam, photos being taken of her body at the ER / hospital and her required interacting with SW, trauma staff & police. But the womens family may want to report or sue the facility for not providing a safe and secure living situation. If anything like this happened, you as his wife would be enjoined in any lawsuit or legal filed. If you were aware of anything based on his past and not upfront with the facility, this will come out.

Your hubs as you described it sounds like he’s still quite lucid and psych/staff have told you he's got some type of mental illness. For everyone’s sake, he needs to be in a facility geared for his type of behavior and getting treatment. Find an atty, be upfront on everything and follow their advice.

Enough, you have to do whatever you can deal with.

It is okay to not see him, not call him or to even divorce him.

Do what you need to do for you, nobody can really help you decide but, we can sure cheer you on in whatever you decide.

Personally, I would give the psychiatrist permission to drug him into a stupor and keep him like that. Especially if sexual aggression is something you know isn't going to change. It will get to a point that no facility will take him.

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this situation.

If this behavior has persisted across 4 different facilities, then it is very likely that the disinhibition that we see with dementia is NOT the sole cause of his behavior.
It is likely to become more and more difficult to find facilities to take him, with this persistent behavior that can be so distressing to witness/manage.
I am aware of a few other situations similar to your own.
Placement in a VA facility that was primarily men, and had that 'discipline' of military service built in to it, was the answer for one man with similar problems.
Another is use of medications that may suppress libido, although there are side effects and he would need to agree to take these medications.
If you were interested in getting 'expert' assessment, I would find a geriatric psychiatry clinic that is affiliated with a teaching hospital. An inpatient stay for a couple of weeks will allow a thorough assessment, including medical workups to rule out treatable causes (brain tumors can do strange things) and tease out an underlying mental illness/personality disorder. Neuropsychological testing might be helpful.
All of this requires a lot of work for you in getting it arranged, and figuring out payment for what is not covered by insurance.
For your own needs, a supportive counselor who is not judgmental can be a big help. Good luck to you.

My very unpleasant father talked his way into respite care in three states (federally funded but poor cross border checking). He bragged to me that when he was in a facility in NSW he used to have sex with a woman who couldn’t remember it in the morning (ha ha ha, he went). Her family found out and removed her from the facility. I think he left that one, and he would never have told me about any trouble he got into.

He was good at faking dementia, ‘poor old man’, you name it, he could do it. I discussed it with the Director of the last place he was at, and she was quite relieved that I realised it.

So yes, it happens, and the guys get away with it. The legalities are really difficult. I wonder if this guy has a past track record from earlier life, not dementia related? Entitlement is at least as common as AZ in the history of rape.

Cover seems to have a lot of sympathy, almost support for entitlement. Men in the armed forces have always managed their sexual urges, more or less. Some of the facilities for younger people (eg bikies who are paraplegic after an accident) allow visits from prostitutes. Perhaps Cover could try those options, instead of his sympathy for this ‘poor old guy whose wife may not fancy him’. Or he could try the little blue pills himself.