My mother is 75, but looks, acts and has the health of someone that is 80. She is the most toxic person I've ever known. She oozes negativity, depression, self pity and is completely wrapped up in her victim mentality as her core identity. She has never had any close relationships, in spite of having had 3 husbands and 3 children. We came from Europe when she was over 40, so there is a language barrier to boot. Lately her health problems, related to obesity, heart disease and COPD, were exacerbated by two falls that required surgery. Though she's greatly improved, the situation seems to have really aged her further in just a few months. She can barely breathe and walk at the same time, and she gets tired very easily now and has to sit a lot. She can still at least care for herself, though I help with grocery shopping, doctor visits, house maintenance, etc. I'd rather not be around at all because her energy drains mine. I just wonder how others deal with toxicity at her level. Thanks.
You have chosen to stay and to help. It is a certainty that she will not change. And I cannot imagine it will become at all easier until you accept that fact. Expectations of change should be over with.
Let your Mom know that these are the things you will agree to do. That when she needs more care she will require placement; that you cannot ever do more, and that living with you would never be an option. Let her know that you will not abandon her, but that you will not often stay with her, as her habitual negativity has a bad affect on you, and your first obligation is to yourself, your own life and immediate family.
Your Mother's general condition (as an old Nurse I consider the end stage of COPD to be one of the most dreadful thing know to man) physically will not improve her general depression, and the side effects of meds given for this condition, steroids and etc simply shred one mentally and to the BONES quite literally. Don't expect a whole lot of "happy happy" out of someone suffering to this extent chronically.
I am so sorry for your Mom's torment, and for your own as you attempt to give her some care.