It's time for my 76 year old husband to go to a group home for his care. I am no longer able to care for him - in a safe manner - at home. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in 2002, dementia in 2014 and clinically blind in 2017. It has been challenging for both of us. Over the years, we've done the best we could. I looked at both group homes and larger facilities and determined along with both of his doctors (PCP and neurologist) that a group home would be best for his wants and needs. After much discussion, he has agreed to move to a group home (he has fought it every step of the way). He said I've worn him down and has agreed to the transition. We both looked at the group home with the owner, viewed the room and interacted a bit with the caregivers. He has agreed that this is the home he will move to. A room will become available August 1st and it's time to give a deposit to hold the room and get the paperwork in order. Why do I feel so guilty now that the time is here? Just yesterday there was a incident with him at home and I said to myself, I really can't do this for much longer. Today, I received notice of the upcoming availability. For some reason, I'm hesitating. This is such a huge decision. Neither of us has any family left, so the decision is mine. Has anyone else gone through the hesitation process in their mind at the last minute? If so, can you share some ideas that ultimately made you decide one way or the other. The group home has been extremely strict about Covid 19 and they have not had any cases to date. I've not been able to have any help come in since mid-March. Thank you.
would that help?
Or is it best and safest for both of you for him
to be there.
How often do they have openings become
available on average? (once a month, once a year?)
What is the visiting situation, during
COVID?
Also has he seen a geriatric psychiatrist? They
are very good at using medications to balance out
emotions, anxiety, anger, etc using light doses of
a variety of medications. Like a low dose of depakote
(for seizures) can work as a mood stabilizer.
Medications may help making the transition easier.
Also look up info on a geriatrics program called ACE
at SUNY Upstate Hospital online. They have a lot of
information about how to make seniors and especially
seniors with and memory or dementia problems more
comfortable and stable in new settings.
It gives care suggestions to make things easier for
them, help them feel safe and diminish or avoid declines
that seem to happen with any move, or hospital stay.
(avoid hospital ''delirium'' as it is sometimes called).
Also remember the senses. Familiar scents (air freshner,
after shave, perfume, flowers), familiar foods, familiar
sounds (tv, music, birds chirping), a favorite blanket
or shirt or robe, can all help with a sense of security
and feeling safe with what is familiar, in a new place.
Hesitation is natural on such a major decision and
change. Such changes that can be exciting, like
moving to a new place in our 20s, 30s, 40s,
has a different feel to it in our later years, as we
see it as closing a door on a large portion of our life.
It is tough to be there.
Also it means you will be living alone. Which may or
may not be appealing to you.
It is an entire spider's webs of tangled emotions, and completely
natural
best wishes
Now - does this mean that you shut the door and never see him again? No - it means you will be his loving wife and friend - you will visit, you will help him, you will advocate for him - you will just have a higher level of care and more hands to help. He deserves this.
It is not easy. Bless you both and report back how it all goes?
But in this case, the facts seem to be you have cared for your husband as long as you could as well as you could, and in this case I think the guilt is a "lie" of sorts.
Not to say this wont be hard. Who wants to put a loved one in another place. But it seems to be the best choice, based on what I understand.