My mother's caregiver, who I have relied on and trusted for over three years and counting (employed by an agency), really did dumb yesterday. She used my mother's credit card to make a relatively small purchase on her own personal amazon account. I discovered this immediately because of all of the alerts I have on my mother's credit card (this was a "card not present" transaction).
I followed up with Amazon, and they were able to confirm who the purchaser was. I very grudgingly offered the caregiver's name, hoping that it wasn't her. The customer service person said yes, it is this person. I was so deeply disappointed and felt very much betrayed and taken advantage of. As someone who I've put a lot of trust in, and have had tremendous faith in her judgement and reliability over the years--and what could well be years to come -- even though the amount was pretty trivial ($28 and change for goodness sakes), I'm struggling.
Amazon removed the credit card info from her account, and she won't be able to use the card for any further purchases. I also disputed the amount with the credit card company, so all of that is good to go.
The thing is, I don't want to get rid of her, and I feel really conflicted about that. She has been the best caregiver in the past 5 plus years -- all of the others have been flakey and unable to use good judgement (I live 3 plus hours away, work full time, and need someone who can take responsibility and initiative when necessary). This person was someone who would demonstrate good common sense, keep in good touch with me, run interference in any number of difficult situations. When my mother fell last March, she handled the paramedics, the ER, and the cleanup at the house. I was very appreciative and gave her a monetary "thank you" since I know her agency wouldn't pay her more than her hourly rate. Now that it's holiday season, I was (maybe still am???) ready to write her a check for her annual Christmas bonus, which I'm pretty certain other clients don't do.
Sigh...a few months ago, she was driving my mother through her retirement community, and she got a speeding ticket (I was notified since my mother's a resident). The community "police" are hypervigilent and my reaction was to think "hey, it happens" (she was going maybe 40 mph in a 35 zone), and I paid for the ticket so she wouldn't be out the $50. I just thought "don't let it happen again" and moved on.
I'm just so deeply disappointed, and wonder if I'm being a total chump. Searching online, I've found posts that use the terms "elder abuse" and I wonder if I should immediately terminate her, and then embark on the horrendous task of finding another replacement. The agency would of course send someone else, or more than one person if necessary, but the upheaval to my mother (and me, honestly) is just overwhelming to think about.
And I don't know if, or how, I should approach this with her! Amazon couldn't tell me if the caregiver would receive her order or not, but she will be able to see plain as day that the credit card info is permanently gone from her account, so she'll know what's up in that way. I wonder if maybe it would be beneficial to just let her twist in the wind--not say a thing to her, but she'll know she's on notice.
It was such a stupid thing to do. She knows I watch my mother's accounts like a hawk, or she should know. Would it be awful, or stupid of me, if I continued to keep her as my mother's caregiver? I know that it's the nature of the situation (my being long distance, my mother having dementia, caregivers earning a crappy wage for difficult work) that things may go missing, they might take advantage in small ways if they can get away with it, and I've made my peace with that. If she throws a few groceries for herself into the cart when she takes my mother shopping, I'm not going to sweat it. If a tchotchke or two or three disappear, so be it -- that's the way it goes, is my attitude.
But this...???
Not worth risking more money being misused or more accurately put, stolen.
Why don't you believe her? You've known this woman for more than five years. There has never been a problem. What makes you think she would screw up all of a sudden?
I assume you didn't ask her what it was she bought. Why not? Again, it's a simple and a reasonable question. You keep records of your mother's expenditure. This is an item of expenditure. So: what was the item?
Here's my guess: Looloo, if you find yourself presented with a gift from your mother on Christmas Day, small but beautifully wrapped, and discover that the caregiver and your mother thought it would be a lovely idea to get you a little something special, how are you going to feel then about your suspicions?
If I were you I should be straightforward about it and ask the caregiver what she bought, because you need to note it down. Stop worrying pointlessly.
Hope the OP returns to let us know. If it is a Christmas present from mom I would feel like slithering under a rock somewhere & disappearing, just sayin.
So, in general, I think it's wise to "put ourselves in someone else's shoes", and evaluate how we would respond to the different scenarios you consider.
Looloo, if you were in the caregiver's situation, how would YOU want her to respond? How would YOU want to be treated? Would you feel hurt, or angry if she made a decision w/o asking specifically what the item involved was?
One of the issues that I think sometimes enters these kinds of relationships is the fear or anxiety of confronting someone directly. And that's understandable. It could make or break a good relationship.
I don't criticize you for advising that your mother's expenditures will be scrutinized more carefully; that's a good step forward. But I think a direct question of what was the item purchased and for whom needs to be asked. Having said that, I too would be uncomfortable putting anyone on the spot.
Caregiving can present a lot of challenges in person to person relationships; this situation is one.
In my case the agency was selected for me because it was the one that Council on Aging used. But I totally agree with you. A person can always select another agency if they don’t want to allow them to try and resolve an issue.
Personally, if I trusted this caregiver in virtually every other way, I would talk with them and tell them that the credit card company informed me of this purchase (as they do with everything purchased) and allow her to explain herself. Unless she responds in a hostile way, I would give her a warning and let it go.
But that's just me.... The thought of starting all over to find a good person who would be trustworthy in all the other ways would be overwhelming.
If you decide to give her another chance, she would know you are tracking things carefully. Unless she is a hardened crook (and it seems you would know that by now) - then she would probably continue to be (mostly) trustworthy.
In my book, being trustworthy with how she takes care of your mom, how she responds to emergencies, how she keeps on track of medications, diet, sleep patterns, etc - all these are more important than anything else.
Remember .
Laughter is good medicine. Love takes the pain away!!.
P.S. I hope you don't come to find out it's a gift your mom had her order for you ( during a cognitive moment) and then may have lost that thought later .