Just joined.
I'm trying very hard not to "take over" and "do things for them" (mom and step-dad). My grandmother helped me to understand how awful it is to have someone be "helpful" and in reality just take away her agency and actually make things more inconvenient. So I'm really sensitive to not "taking over."
It all seems silly I know, but the more I try not to "take over" the more I feel like I end up taking over. And I'm not sure what feels like the greater challenge right now.
IDK, I feel like I should be happier about it all (happy that I'm here to help), but I often just end up feeling sad. And that makes me feel confused and awful.
It just feels impossible to articulate anything. I feel ashamed because I'm not doing a better job of handling the mental decline of my parents--both of whom used to manage multi million dollar budgets and large staffs. And now there is no decision too small to be confusing. I'm frustrated. Sad. Confused. Disoriented. Mad. So incredibly concerned that I'm losing them. And I feel awful for feeling any of it. I feel like a wuss for making any of it about me.
And there is no right way to handle the mental decline of your parents. I suspect you’re doing the best job you can at handling it, which is by being a human being with real emotions and feelings about it. I reached out for professional help to get assistance for myself now that I’m in a somewhat caregiving role and it was the best decision i ever made. Be well.
My brilliant daddy had Parkinson's. Watching this amazing mind slowly and agonizingly deteriorate was awful, esp as we did not have a 'real' diagnosis for years.
He hated being treated like he was 'stupid' b/c he could not put his thoughts into words and so he was either dismissed by thoughtless people, or he'd get more depressed.
By the time he passed away I had pre-grieved him so much--there were no tears left. I was so grateful for the knowledge I had that he was truly in a better place.
Give yourself a pat on the back for being there for your folks. It isn't easy or fun. I hope that your folks aren't 'angry' seniors. Don't look too far forward--try to enjoy the days you have. I know that daddy was happy to simply have me come up and watch Discovery channel and (I loved this) RoadRunner cartoons. We were very close and he made me feel loved, and I hope I did the same for him.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. (Advice I need to take, for certain).
I have done that twice - both times being the primary care giver just plain wore me out, and I grieved each day before they passed.
I took care of my uncle, who moved 1700 miles to be here instead of with his children who did not even speak to him on a regular basis. When he passed they tried to make me feel guilty for not crying - as though I did not care. Of course, they were not here to see that he was receiving the best care I could give, and that the care was wiping me out (not complaining, just being honest).
Fortunately I had the support of a very good therapist in going through this with my granny years before, and I learned that it is okay to not cry - it is okay to celebrate the life instead of mourn the death. It is okay to know that the loved one is at peace and not in emotional and/or physical pain anymore.
I hope you know that love comes in many forms, and tears can be cried by the best faker - it takes courage and awareness to be strong enough to know you did your best and the tears were spent long before life was.