Just joined.
I'm trying very hard not to "take over" and "do things for them" (mom and step-dad). My grandmother helped me to understand how awful it is to have someone be "helpful" and in reality just take away her agency and actually make things more inconvenient. So I'm really sensitive to not "taking over."
It all seems silly I know, but the more I try not to "take over" the more I feel like I end up taking over. And I'm not sure what feels like the greater challenge right now.
IDK, I feel like I should be happier about it all (happy that I'm here to help), but I often just end up feeling sad. And that makes me feel confused and awful.
It just feels impossible to articulate anything. I feel ashamed because I'm not doing a better job of handling the mental decline of my parents--both of whom used to manage multi million dollar budgets and large staffs. And now there is no decision too small to be confusing. I'm frustrated. Sad. Confused. Disoriented. Mad. So incredibly concerned that I'm losing them. And I feel awful for feeling any of it. I feel like a wuss for making any of it about me.
So now I go in to make lasagna with mom (something she has made excellently hundreds and hundreds of times) and I'm not just a helper, but I'm now in charge of deciding how many eggs in the ricotta, what temp the oven should be, how much meat and onion we should put in the sauce, what spices we add, but when it comes to assembly there in only ONE way it all gets layered, but worse the more I try not to "take over" the more I'm the one who made dinner and I feel lost and I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing. Or I go to buy a new grill with step-father and I have to decide if the grill he wants is okay, or should we get the other one, does this one look alright and is it big enough, is the other one a better brand, do we need four burners or is three enough, etc, and when I choose one for him he tells customer service to send someone over to show him how to light it--right after I show him the manual and demonstrate how it lights....just short of infuriating and then I have to thank the store associate profusely for taking the time to show us how to light a grill when I had it figured out before anyone asked for help. And some days it just feels non-stop from all directions. It all seems silly I know, but the more I try not to "take over" the more I feel like I end up taking over. And I'm not sure what feels like the greater challenge right now.
IDK, I feel like I should be happier about it all (happy that I'm here to help), but I often just end up feeling sad. And that makes me feel confused and awful.
Why do you feel incompetent? Is the person you are caring for obese? Do you feel guilty or afraid of certain consequences if you don’t give a second helping of food? Can you clarify your question for us? Thanks.
Caregiving is hard. It would help if u tell us why you feel incompetent.