Hi everyone. I just joined the forum and apologize in advance if I'm doing things wrong with the posting. I'm not really a caregiver at this point, but my husband and I are trying to figure out what to do for his mother. She lives in the house she's been in for 60+ years and is adamantly opposed to living anywhere else. She has been getting by with some help from my husband and his brother, but we are concerned about her safety there. Also we live two hours away, and my husband has been six hours away much of the time lately because of having to go out of town for work. One of our concerns is that she has left pans of food on the stove and then gone to sleep. My husband is considering disconnecting or removing the stove, leaving her with the microwave for heating food. She has always been a rather stubborn and cantankerous individual and seems to be becoming more so with age. This is making it difficult for her sons to help her. Her latest crisis seems to have begun with dental problems. Her remaining teeth are in very bad shape and causing her pain. She has been refusing to see a dentist because "they put their hands in my mouth." None of us know how a dentist can work on her teeth without doing that, but that is her argument. Because of the dental problems she hasn't been eating much and because she doesn't eat she hasn't been taking her medicines. (Some of them need to be taken with food.) She has diabetes and heart problems. A few weeks ago she called my husband saying she needed him to take her to the doctor right away, but wouldn't say what was wrong. By the time he made the two hour drive, she had driven herself to her heart doctor wanting him to do something about her toothache. The heart doctor refused to treat her and told her to see a dentist. A week or so later she called my husband to say she had called an ambulance to take her to the emergency room, again refusing to tell him what was wrong. As he was in route, she called to tell him the hospital would not admit her, and that he needed to come get her because they were going to throw her out. He said he was on his way and would be there as soon as possible, but that wasn't good enough for her. He asked her to let him speak to someone at the hospital to explain that he was on the way, but she refused. By the time he got there she had left. He didn't know where she had gone or with whom, and the hospital couldn't tell him, either because they didn't know or because of privacy concerns, I'm not sure which. She was mad at him for not coming soon enough and was refusing to answer her cell phone. He called various relatives and finally learned that his cousin had picked her up and taken her to his aunt's house after she called the aunt telling her that she was at the hospital about to be thrown out and her son wouldn't come. The problem again was the toothache, and the er doctor told her to see a dentist. Not long after that, my husband got her admitted to the hospital after she called to say she was very weak and couldn't even get up. She had not been eating right or taking her medicine and her blood sugar was very high. She has improved somewhat and has gone from the hospital to rehab, where she is uncooperative, unhappy, and wants to go home. When my husband refused to do as she wished, she got mad and stopped taking his calls. She called her other DIL wanting to be taken from rehab to the ER to get her toothache treated. Rehab has a van to take patients to non-emergency medical appointments, and they have arranged to get her to an appointment with an oral surgeon. It remains to be seen whether she will cooperate. If she doesn't, I don't think she can be forced. In the meantime she is on antibiotics for the infections caused by the bad teeth, and on pain-killers. This will be the third attempt to get her to a dental appointment for this problem. Previously after a few days of antibiotics and pain-killers she has decided she is better and cancelled appointments. This was before trying to get the heart doctor and the ER to treat the problem. Ok, this is horribly long. I'm sorry and thank you to anyone with the patience to read it. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice. From what I've read, she can't be forced to do anything she won't agree to, and she won't listen to her sons, her doctors, or anyone else. It looks like we have to wait until things are bad enough that she can be declared mentally incompetent and have a guardian appointed or adult protective services steps in to save her from her own bad decisions. At this point, I really don't think she's mentally incompetent, just incredibly stubborn and ornery. I am, of course, very glad to be living in a time and place where the individual's right to self-determination is protected, but it looks like we can't help my MIL until things get a whole lot worse. Looks to me like we have to wait for her to crash and burn, and hope she survives long enough to get help. Any suggestions? Thanks.
My father, on the other hand, was a raging alcholic most of the time with periods of funny sweetness. We never knew what we were going to get! After losing the ability to get his own alcohol and going through a detox period, he now takes a mild antidepressant and is as gentle as a lamb.
I would tell the rehab place that she leaves pots on the stove unattended. That is a very graphic example of an unsafe living situation!
Another thought for down the road. Geriatric psychiatrists can be very helpful with agitated elders. Sometimes meds make for a world of difference. Good luck!
I've been reading posts on this forum for several days now, and I realize many people are going through similar and worse problems with aging relatives. It's good to be able to get advice from others who are in the same boat and have more experience with it. Thank you again.
My husband will be talking to the social worker again soon, and I will give him your advice. It's really hard to tell whether she has dementia or is just being her cantankerous self. UTI is also a strong possibility. She is incontinent and subject to those. I didn't realize until a few days ago reading on this forum that UTI could have such a strong effect on mental state.
Thank you again for responding.
Since she is in rehab the family needs to talk to the discharge worker and fill them in about her circumstances, non compliance etc. and work towards placement in a facility. Good luck and let us know how it pans out. There are many here with similar situations. You are not alone.
I hope someone has POA?
Different locales have different procedures for dealing with mental incompetency. APS, ombudsman, social worker etc.
I would try the MOM YOURE GOING TO THE ASSISTED LIVING PLACE UNTIL YOU GET BETTER method. Staff at these places deal with this all the time and are pretty darn good at it.
This worked with my parents just recently. I didn’t have to use any legal maneuvers other than my POA. Mom doesn’t like it, she’s mad, thinks she’s just fine and should be home. Reality? She can’t even stand without assistance.
Time to get some tough love going here. If she goes home it’s just gonna be a bigger mess down the road.
So, she's in rehab now? When they start talking about discharging her, her sons need to talk to the SW or other discharge planners about the fact that their mom is no longer safe (emphasize that word SAFE) living alone. And that she is non-compliant, uncooperative with helpers and that moving in with one of you is NOT an option (she will be non-compliant in your home as well).
She is no longer competent to make good choices about her health; it very much sounds like vascular dementia may have set it (the inability to plan, see consequences, make good choices).
You have an opportunity now that she is "in a bed". The facility can help with applying for Medicaid if that's needed.