Living with and caring for my 97 yr old dad and I work p/t. Got calls today from all my 3 sibs saying they are coming to our house for Father’s Day. Great, except I’m expected to “throw a party” for all of them. I asked if they could bring a dish to share and I got “ but we are 2-3 hrs away, that’s too difficult”. Whatever... I’ll suck it up for dad.
My sister just got back from 10 days in Jamaica, talking about her fantastic meals ( we eat bland mushy thing cause dad has no teeth ) her daily massages, seaweed wraps because she is soo stressed. Wanna talk about stressed? My therapy is wine. My dad has fallen 3 times this week while I was at work. My job is laying off all of us, gotta find something else quick. My sister doesn’t work but lectures me on finding another job, and yet complains that I am not home enough to monitor dad. Brought up that if we had to pay someone to do what I do, it would be room and board plus pay. She got nasty with me saying I should be happy with just room and board and “ fine we will put him in a VA home which is a death sentence”. Ugh. I feel soo unappreciated.
Learn to set boundaries and learn what feels right to you.
Learn what your needs are to be effective in the role/job you have caring for your Dad.
Learn to put yourself first so you have the energy and ability to do the job you have to do for your dad.
One learns by doing and by learning to feel worth it (self-esteem).
If you need a therapist to get through and gain support, get it (or join a support group). Taking care of yourself is primary and learning to set boundaries so you do not allow others to make you a target of their behavior and/or lack of sensitivity.
Forget about what your siblings think. I struggle with this also.
And no food prep! When they show up empty-handed, tell them it's pizza or fried chicken or Chinese or whatever. Their choice. Then direct them to the takeout menu, phone/website and Google Maps to go pick it up.
I feel for you, Toller. My sig-others’ sibs are a lot like yours. Different hot buttons, but same end result. We only hear from them when they “need” something. (What they NEED is new personalities and a one-way ticket to someplace far, far away!)
You provide utensils and beverages.
With the internet, Google, and GPS while driving, this is a no-brainier for them. And you should expect them to pay with your impending joblessness and possible financial squeeze in the interim.
After lunch or dinner say you have to run out for a bit
LEAVE them with Dad, go talk a walk, go for a drive, go get an ice cream but get away for a bit for yourself. Not saying this will give them an idea what you deal with but as long as you have 3 "knowledgeable" "got the solution" siblings all there at one time I am sure they can take care of things for an hour or two. Just make sure they know where the briefs, or pull ups are a well as any gloves, ointments that they will need.
I’m so PO’d by this I’m almost in tears! No matter how many times I come here & read these posts I know I’ll never truly understand how or why some people treat their “loved ones” the way they do or ignore them like they do. Anyway, this is the place to vent & if anyone judges you poorly for the way you feel then I’d be willing to bet they aren’t a carer.
The suggestion to feed them what your dad eats was fantastic and I would do it. Seriously, I’d have no qualms about doing that. Some folks need to have their eyes opened!!
But that aside, what do y’all think about (strongly) encouraging non- helpful, non-involved, critical sibs or other family members to join this forum? Do you think they would? Do you think they’d get an idea of what it’s like to be a carer? This website has helped me out tremendously and I think I might suggest to my family to join. I’ll have to change my screen name cause they know this one...or maybe not! Maybe my sister ought to read what I’ve written about her & the comments I’ve gotten back!
Well, best of luck...I sure do sympathize w/you!
Let them come for Father's Day - and let them go out and bring in some "take out" so you can enjoy the day too! Tell them, Your kitchen is closed and if they want to eat, they need to bring enough for everyone.
about locking up and putting up a sign "Gone to Jamaica!" Good luck tomorrow
Maybe you should take notes, your sis sounds like the perfect combo of theatically
selfish and demanding. Sounds like a script for a dysfunctional family drama
Good for you that you are “letting” your siblings fend for themselves on Father’s Day. Continue to take care of yourself.
P.S. Let us know how tomorrow goes when your sibs arrive and you don't have a party all set up for them. {{{HUGS}}}
Good Luck with your day!! Happy Father's Day to your Dad - mine died years ago and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your Dad - Please keep venting as needed - I really want to hear how they coped for the 'welcome to my world' afternoon.
I am an only child, my daughter is an only child too. My mother is in AL and one of the reasons is she cannot cook anymore due to mobility problems and moderate dementia and my father would rather take a bullet than learn to cook. That’s ONE of the reasons, but no one had better say to me ‘Oh you can cook the Thanksgiving dinner’...blah blah...because my mobility is compromised too. I cannot stand in the kitchen longer than 15-20 minutes on a good day. So I refuse to cook anything more complicated than a simple one dish meal, roast a meal in the oven, warm up leftovers, etc. My daughter helps but I just decided I simply refuse after my dad complained because he wants a table groaning buffet for EVERY meal. The WWII gang of men are impossible in their demands from women.
It’s sad about the cooking because my mom was and I am two terrific cooks but she’s forgotten how and I’m drawing boundaries left and right. My dad is finally succumbing to my limits though and there are good restaurants everywhere!
Tell your siblings that you’re sure dad would enjoy a nice visit from them. Where are they going to get the dinner? Suggest Cracker Barrel or Golden Corral to go. Lots of veggies and meats to choose from. I say “I can’t see that ‘fill in the blank’ happening, I’m not able’.
So sis enjoyed Jamaica? Direct them all to a nice motel near by, Hell offer to make the reservations for them but do not let them take over your house because you’ll be the maid! Tell sis she’ll have to find her own masseuse. Don’t you just love it? The nerve she has? You have some nerve too. Good luck!!
Feeding these guys is easy though! I make 2 lbs of baked ziti. Simple! All it requires is boiling the ziti and mixing in the cheeses, slap it in the oven.... BOOM! Done
Tell Sibs to grab salad, garlic bread and dessert.
Or you can call them and say, Dad really had his heart set on going out for dinner with all his kids, who knows if he'll have this opportunity again.
And may I say, you produced a very classy vent. Mine are always peppered with colorful language. Yeah, I show my a$$. LOL.....you got this!😉