Hi all — I’ve helped my parents (86 and 87) for years, alone. I have 1 brother; he doesn’t help. I know many people (especially daughters) (like me) are in the same lovely boat.
I hired 24-hour live-in caregivers at home. My brother and I live in NY. My parents live in MI.
I helped my parents in many ways.
Both my brother and I are POA. (We are POA independently).
My brother “fell off the face of the Earth”, as soon as they became frail. Stopped visiting: otherwise he would be asked to help.
He last visited our parents years ago. All caring was dumped on me (finding agencies, interviewing, etc., etc.) (you all know similar, even if differing, details).
(There is no arguing/no fighting in the family. He just doesn’t want to help our frail parents.) (He calls every 6 months: again, so he’s not asked to help).
I have 2 questions please.
1. Does anyone know the mobile number of Karma? If yes, please give it to me asap.
2. A less important question: Has anyone succeeded in transforming their anger with siblings, into something positive?
Terrible, and so common.
Hug from me!!!
I have two sisters , I seldom talk to.
When my father died we had to come together to take care of our mom.
** my daughter and I wanted to say " baahaha hahaha ha ha!" We absolutely loved reading this! Your humor is amazing and we wanted you to know that you are not alone. I hope you find a solution to the problem you face.
Hug!!
:)
Here is another GROUP BOAT HUG.
I’ll be gone for a bit.
Hello Karma
:)
you’re gone for a bit, but i’ll write anyway.
lemme try to answer your questions.
1. i can give you my mobile number? i’m almost like karma. i bite, scratch, can kick; and i can also be sweet and pat people on the back. that sounds like karma to me.
2. yes, i have succeeded at transforming my anger into something positive. i don’t know how long it’ll last. i’m 5 minutes into this.
hug!!!
courage, everyone :).
bundle of joy :)
I do know this: I am happy to be without my brother, sister and their families. So much less drama in my life. And something else, I do not, nor have I, missed any of them.
I am rich with good people in my life who care about me. I am happy even though I still cry for my parents.
I was a fierce and passionate advocate and caregiver for my father. It was easy. He was perfect. Sweet and cute and smarter than I ever knew when my Mom was alive. Dad always was quiet. He allowed my mother to have all the attention since she was very social and the life of most parties but in the best way ya know? After Mom, when Dad and I were alone, I really got to see that my Dad was smart. He also was popular, funny and had the best taste in clothes, linens etc . (My mom had picked out all that. When I brought him shopping I had him do the choosing!)
Sorry. Off subject.
I haven't a clue what to do with all this...angst! Resentment takes a backseat now to total disgust. My brother is living in the house he was entrusted to share with my sister and me. I say "take the house, everything in it and shove it! I had 15 years with Dad that neither of you had. Didn't visit, not even a phone call. I got the best part of this deal and you don't even realize that. I pity you."
So maybe being estranged from your brother isn't the worst thing. Jus' sayin'!
"So maybe being estranged from your brother isn't the worst thing. Jus' sayin'!"
I've come to feel exactly that way.
"Resentment takes a backseat now to total disgust. My brother is living in the house he was entrusted to share with my sister and me."
That's awful.
"I do know this: I am happy to be without my brother, sister and their families. So much less drama in my life. And something else, I do not, nor have I, missed any of them."
Good!
"If anyone HAS found a positive way to channel anger I want the formula."
My guess is, the better one is doing in one's own life, the more all those negative feelings fade. Those feelings just don't matter that much, because one is busy being happy. But also, in order to do better in one's own life, those negative feelings need to fade.
I posted my question about one month ago. Have I found the formula? I think, like you, I see that my life is better without his drama. I also recently caught him lying (a big lie). This really made me understand, I must protect myself from him. I would never have imagined he would lie like that.
So what formula have I found? As others have said, you know you've done the right thing. You can live with a good conscience. (Hopefully in this way, poof! The negative feelings fade.)
Take care, Caringniece!
Hello Karma
bundle of joy here :).
i hope you're ok!! :) (and everyone here!)
i know many of us have terrible siblings: both through action and inaction. being ignored is a form of torture, too. rude. and of course affects us.
(for example often, terrible siblings ignore updates, even life-death emergencies; they don't want to risk you asking for help).
toxic people (whether siblings, parents, anyone) all do the same things, all over the world. rude, mean, LYING, brain-washing their victim/target with insults/false accusations (often falsely accusing you of EXACTLY what they're doing: projecting; in a way, confessing their guilt by showing you what they're doing, by pretending as if YOU'RE the one doing it). every time they do that, hold up a metaphorical mirror facing them, so that their words bounce off the mirror and go to them.
RETURN TO SENDER.
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abuse affects us. (don't pretend like it doesn't, because it does) (you'll see the effects on your body, face - just take a look).
then we need recovery time, then it starts all over.
it does not stop. (mean people enjoy; have too much fun being mean; they're not going to stop with their "fun").
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about 2 months ago OP, you asked:
1. for karma's number
2. whether anyone was able to transform their anger
i've been trying (2.)
i've made progress since you posted your question.
i've come to the following conclusion:
some mean people want to destroy us, as much as they can before they die.
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the nice things you see sprinkled here and there, in between the meanness, are fake; it's to keep you. they are actually 100% mean.
(i'm not saying this applies to every "mean" person in the world).
(i'm saying this applies to many).
1. this has liberated me, because i now understand much better certain people near me.
2. it has liberated me, because this pushes me to work harrrrd (on my career, for example), to ensure they DON'T destroy my life. (now that i know what they want).
i'm (justifiably) angry - but i also know it's impossible to be angry and happy at the same time.
to remain angry, would be for me to be DOUBLY "punished". first, "punished" by having to help my LOs alone, without my siblings' help in any way. second, "punished" by having (justified) anger inside me.
i won't allow that to happen.
i don't want that destiny.
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i want a nice destiny. i wish us all a nice destiny.
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if possible, stay away from mean people. they don't change.
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as for karma's number - there must be a good reason why the universe hasn't texted us the phone number.
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hugs from me, to us all! :) courage!
let's let karma take care of the rest. karma has a superb memory.
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create your WONDERFUL life.
it's never too late, no matter what awful things you went through in the past.
bundle of joy :)
Stop using energy to be mad. It's a waste of your time. Be cordial with brother. Perhaps he doesn't agree on what you're doing either. Good luck.
Yes, from March.
I hope you're all doing all right!
Hello Karma