Has anyone succeeded in transforming their anger with siblings into something positive?

This thread is from March.

you have a great sense of humor- "phone number for Karma!" That's funny! Your sense of humor will save you. I'm sorry you are going through this. I have two brothers. Thank heavens, they were both a great help when my parents died, but since then, one has developed a mental illness and won't talk to me. I hope you have lots of great friends and a support system for you. Don't forget, you are a blessing to the world. I don't agree your anger is wasted. it is giving you energy and protection. If you can, I would recommend meetings of Recovery International. It is great for dealing with the trivialities of life, and most big problems can be broken down into a number of trivialities. Recovery International can be found online, and has a number of zoom meetings.

Oh for heavens sake. First, you've got to realize not all people are geared mentally or sometime's physically to be a caregiver. Especially men. At least he still calls once in a blue moon. If he were in their lives and doing the best he could, chances are you would be writing with other issues about him. Be glad you are in control so that you can direct your mom and dad lives where you think they should be, whether in memory care, caregivers coming in etc.
Stop using energy to be mad. It's a waste of your time. Be cordial with brother. Perhaps he doesn't agree on what you're doing either. Good luck.

hello karma :),

bundle of joy here :).
i hope you're ok!! :) (and everyone here!)

i know many of us have terrible siblings: both through action and inaction. being ignored is a form of torture, too. rude. and of course affects us.

(for example often, terrible siblings ignore updates, even life-death emergencies; they don't want to risk you asking for help).

toxic people (whether siblings, parents, anyone) all do the same things, all over the world. rude, mean, LYING, brain-washing their victim/target with insults/false accusations (often falsely accusing you of EXACTLY what they're doing: projecting; in a way, confessing their guilt by showing you what they're doing, by pretending as if YOU'RE the one doing it). every time they do that, hold up a metaphorical mirror facing them, so that their words bounce off the mirror and go to them.

RETURN TO SENDER.

-------
abuse affects us. (don't pretend like it doesn't, because it does) (you'll see the effects on your body, face - just take a look).

then we need recovery time, then it starts all over.
it does not stop. (mean people enjoy; have too much fun being mean; they're not going to stop with their "fun").
------

about 2 months ago OP, you asked:
1. for karma's number
2. whether anyone was able to transform their anger

i've been trying (2.)
i've made progress since you posted your question.

i've come to the following conclusion:
some mean people want to destroy us, as much as they can before they die.

------
the nice things you see sprinkled here and there, in between the meanness, are fake; it's to keep you. they are actually 100% mean.

(i'm not saying this applies to every "mean" person in the world).
(i'm saying this applies to many).

1. this has liberated me, because i now understand much better certain people near me.
2. it has liberated me, because this pushes me to work harrrrd (on my career, for example), to ensure they DON'T destroy my life. (now that i know what they want).

i'm (justifiably) angry - but i also know it's impossible to be angry and happy at the same time.

to remain angry, would be for me to be DOUBLY "punished". first, "punished" by having to help my LOs alone, without my siblings' help in any way. second, "punished" by having (justified) anger inside me.

i won't allow that to happen.
i don't want that destiny.

------
i want a nice destiny. i wish us all a nice destiny.

------
if possible, stay away from mean people. they don't change.

------
as for karma's number - there must be a good reason why the universe hasn't texted us the phone number.

------
hugs from me, to us all! :) courage!
let's let karma take care of the rest. karma has a superb memory.

------
create your WONDERFUL life.
it's never too late, no matter what awful things you went through in the past.

bundle of joy :)

May I offer a different perspective? I would have given my thumbs for a situation where my elder parent lived in a different state, with 24/7 caretaking that worked for him/her/them. I would have been happy to manage from afar...You don't say what you want/need from brother...you can't ask him to provide companionship if he doesn't want to provide it. Perhaps you could ask him to take over the paying of bills, management of insurance, etc. He might be happy to provide 'management', even if he wants limited contact with your parents.

If anyone HAS found a positive way to channel anger I want the formula.
I do know this: I am happy to be without my brother, sister and their families. So much less drama in my life. And something else, I do not, nor have I, missed any of them.
I am rich with good people in my life who care about me. I am happy even though I still cry for my parents.
I was a fierce and passionate advocate and caregiver for my father. It was easy. He was perfect. Sweet and cute and smarter than I ever knew when my Mom was alive. Dad always was quiet. He allowed my mother to have all the attention since she was very social and the life of most parties but in the best way ya know? After Mom, when Dad and I were alone, I really got to see that my Dad was smart. He also was popular, funny and had the best taste in clothes, linens etc . (My mom had picked out all that. When I brought him shopping I had him do the choosing!)
Sorry. Off subject.
I haven't a clue what to do with all this...angst! Resentment takes a backseat now to total disgust. My brother is living in the house he was entrusted to share with my sister and me. I say "take the house, everything in it and shove it! I had 15 years with Dad that neither of you had. Didn't visit, not even a phone call. I got the best part of this deal and you don't even realize that. I pity you."
So maybe being estranged from your brother isn't the worst thing. Jus' sayin'!

hello karma, fellow boat companion,
:)

you’re gone for a bit, but i’ll write anyway.

lemme try to answer your questions.

1. i can give you my mobile number? i’m almost like karma. i bite, scratch, can kick; and i can also be sweet and pat people on the back. that sounds like karma to me.

2. yes, i have succeeded at transforming my anger into something positive. i don’t know how long it’ll last. i’m 5 minutes into this.

hug!!!
courage, everyone :).

bundle of joy :)

Are you both on their bank accounts? If not, get yourself on the accounts. I am on mom's accounts as an equal, it does not take both of us to sign a check. The attorney told me that when she passes, the money is mine to do what I want; although, it might all be gone from caring for her. The 3 sisters who are alcoholics/drug addicts were written out of the will anyway. They are going to be SO mad.

Dear fellow people in the same boat,
:)

Here is another GROUP BOAT HUG.

I’ll be gone for a bit.

Hello Karma

1. Does anyone know the mobile number of Karma? If yes, please give it to me asap.
** my daughter and I wanted to say " baahaha hahaha ha ha!" We absolutely loved reading this! Your humor is amazing and we wanted you to know that you are not alone. I hope you find a solution to the problem you face.

All families have one that steps up to the plate,While the other feels like there lives are more important

I have two sisters , I seldom talk to.
When my father died we had to come together to take care of our mom.

Hi, this happened so much in family’s, my sister has had to move in with my parents as she is not well. My mum gives her such a hard time and says to her that she is using the house like a holiday house. My other sister use to live there and now mum and her talk about all the things she use to do and all the things that I other sister dose not do. This sucks I do not like seeing my mother put my sister down. Then my two sisters fight so there is to much to deal with. Sandra.

hellokarma: I hear you! I really do. My situation (or my mother's, really) was that I had to leave my home, family, husband, daughter and life behind to move in with my late mother where she was living alone seven states away from me because she was adamant about staying put. Wow - that caused a real dilemma for me. She was a legally blind woman and when her blood pressure plummeted, I had to move in with her. Long story short - she was on her death bed from an ischemic stroke and my brother, who had arrived days before from across country, left to return home WHILE she lay on her death bed. That left me alone with her and mind you, I had already been living there for half the year. I could either continue to dwell on his oddness or let it go. I chose the later. Good luck to you, hellokarma. Don't let it eat you up.

G-d handles that department of Karma....just wait and be patient. We will get our blessings and bro will get...

Hugs to us :)

Hello Bren! :)

“If I had that number I'm afraid you would only get a busy signal because I have a list”

:)

Curiosity got the best of me, and I called the one number I have (Wearynow suggested 1-800-IN-YOUR-NEXT-LIFE).

What happened?

Well, just as you would expect.

First, I was put on hold. Duh.

Next, I was told to choose between 3 options. So unoriginal.

Finally, after choosing option 3, I was told a long, sob story about how Karma is sick, fever in bed…

It sounded like one big excuse to me.

Then I started telling MY sob story.

And then, Karma said to me, “Listen to Grandma1954. Forget about me.”

Have been through the same thing. At the beginning of 2022 after a tough 3 years where i felt like my siblings did not exist, for the most part, I decided to stop having any expectations of them. I started meditating and taking care of me because I did not like the resentful person I was becoming. I told myself that karma would catch up with them (especially the one who was close enough to have actually been able to help occasionally).

Coincidentally, in the past month that sibling was injured through a stupid stunt she pulled and my father was hospitalized (unrelated). In the haze of pain killers maybe, the sibling sent me a long letter apologizing for having been so absent. Perhaps being laid up without anyone to help her, she realized how much I had been doing for Mom and Dad. Due somewhat to her injury, she was unable to be with Dad at the end. She has been experiencing extreme heartache and remorse that among other things, she was a horrible teenager to parents who were wonderful, and that has been basically absent the past 3 years. She's seen how loving and supportive of mom and me my adult kids were through Dad's last week of life and how absent her only child was. She literally told me through tears that she thinks Karma has caught up with her. It caught up with her earlier than i expected, but I do believe that most people who have done so little for their parents will eventually experience a lot of guilt.

It may not happen in time for you to see it, so in the meantime, follow the good advice that's already been given here and try not to let the anger and resentment take over your life. I know it's hard. I sometimes count the hours I've spent neglecting my own life while taking care of Mom and Dad and thinking of all the fun things I could have been doing instead. But in the end, I will have no regrets for how I treated them.

I won’t get into my sibling story here, but I swear by cardio kickboxing. Full sized martial arts bag, group classes in person and virtually ( covid ) Also other exercise - surfing, hiking, skating, whatever works!

I literally burn my anger into workouts and at age 50 I am starting to have creaky days but also am pretty strong! Fyi I try not to ever think about my sibling but every now and then have to deal with that situation….so instead of repressing anger I turn it into muscles!

Overall I’d say bad situation being morphed into something positive, yes! Truly wishing you the best of luck

If I had that number I'm afraid you would only get a busy signal because I have a list j/k A little levity is good for the soul. I'm sorry for your situation and I had similar until I had to place my Dad in a nursing home. My do nothing but has all the answers brother has since become the one constantly calling the staff and yelling at them over every slight thing. Yelling and threatening them I've had to block his number and it's too much drama to get in to but I'm sure some relationships can be repaired. In a "normal" family I'd say maybe he isn't avoiding out of laziness or superiority, but maybe this is too much for him, maybe it's too painful for him to think about or face, maybe it's fear. Not that you aren't having those moments yourself. I wish you well, all of you, on this journey.

Dear fellow people in the same boat,

Here we go. In this boat.

Courage.

I’ll be gone a while. I’m now speedily writing my memoir (AlvaDeer's idea). As I mentioned:

Provisional working title: The Road to Positive, Calm and Infinite Tranquility

Realistic Title: %/)(·/$)(Q/·=!)(·=!)"(=(/=··$!!!!!!!


GROUP BOAT HUG!!
:)

Hello Karma :)

I'm not a professional, just speaking from experience, just a sibling and sibling-in-law, a caregiver, and very alone, so I hope that what I write is understood in the way I kindly mean to give you a better and peaceful outlook on things. 

Consider that you didn't have a brother, you would be doing all these things to ensure your parent's well being alone anyway. 

Sometimes anger and wishing/hoping for revenge through Karma is a result of comparison and jealousy. Not the type of jealousy from thinking someone is better than you but instead from comparing what a person does as opposed to what their sibling doesn’t do is a kind of jealousy.  

Everyone, and I mean everyone, even conjoined twins, have their own personality characteristics. Even though we are from the same family, what can be enraging is the expectation that blood related people do not fit in to our framework of expected behavior. 

We presume that if we share parents, we have been programed to think and behave the same way. I know you know better but since it's so close to "home" it's confounding, and compounded by the hurt that your brother is not only turning his back on your parents, but he's turning his back on you as well. 

You would not do that. He is not you. He is selfish, or ill equipped, or hasn’t a clue about sacrifice. He may have deeper problems. Maybe he thinks that whatever he did or suggested it would be met head on with objection and he’s sick of it. 

View him as an accidental member of you family, as you are really. Basically a stranger. If he had been a neighbor from around the block you would not be angry. It’s only because he is so close.

This won’t last forever, unless you enjoy festering. Whenever he pops into your mind play music, or go for a walk. You wish he were like you, can you be like him? No? And he can’t be like you either. 

Btw, was he ever asked to help with anything before your parents needed him? Was he ever expected to contribute any effort for family? 

Compassion is a learned thing. My brother was not a prince. He was The Prince. I'm seriously surprised he knows how to wipe his own butt.

You may say, well no one taught me. You are on a higher plane. There are men who are excellent caregivers and intuitive but your brother is not one of them. 

Does your brother take good care of himself or of his own? Was your brother ever criticized for his efforts? Did you ever say to him "Look I'm in over my head. I need you. I need you to do exactly these things. I hope that you can work with me". People are not mind readers.

Consider too, are you more comfortable directing you anger on him rather than your parents or yourself.

Same situation here only my brother and me were on the same POA. My brother lived in Texas, I in Ga. He contributed money when I needed it.
He is basically (legally) bound to whatever his says. You both need to be on the same one, because he can take credit for the things you do.
At least he doesn't get disagreeable. If he did, I'd say that you have full physical custody, therefore your decisions stick.
They won't get better. Can you have him visit and you take off some time? My brothers eyes were opened after he realized what I did. Out of sight, out of mind. He needs to come spend about a week with you.

I love your responses and I love your questions. I'm in the process of building a platform to help seniors and their families during this crazy change of power/relationship. Meaning you become the parent.

I will ask you and all the people who responded. Please listen to your public officials when they run for office. The Baby Boomers are retiring and are living longer with more health care issues. Please Vote and share your concerns.

And you are an awesome daughter! Thank you for taking care of your mother!

Stay Inspired,
Shonda

Oh, I know the street you live on. I am the youngest and the only female of my siblings. I had 2 brothers who weren't really there caregiving for our mother.
Middle brother could not (prison, in and out) and the other started out somewhat involved(sometimes a no show ) then became unreliable. I was working fulltime.
Mom went to adult day care for a while, I had aides but it all became too much as she needed more care.
When she went into a facility, the oldest brother never visited her nor asked if she needed anything. When she died, we had a blowout argument. He told me that he said goodbye to her when she went in there. He had a long simmering anger at Mom. Believe me, I asked why.
What I got were complaints but no real reason to me. Maybe they were reasons for him. The middle brother visited a few times after he got out. Was he able to help? No, he needed help for himself. Not every sibling has the same relationship to the parent as the other does. I know the mother she was to me.
Mom was in the facility 7 years before she died in 2010. I was her advocate and had many battles to make sure that she got excellent care.
Since then, the middle brother has died (he ended up in a facility-cancer) I was his advocate. The oldest last brother is now in facility because he did not take care of himself.
His wife and son died . He has no one else. He got ill last year and called 911 to take him to the hospital, from there rehab and then a long term facility as he is not capable of taking care of himself.
So, for the last 11 months, I have been his advocate. I visit. Not everyday but several times during the month. I take him things he needs and asks for. I am involved in his care conferences and speak my concerns. Follow up on them. He can speak his wishes and concerns, also.
My third go around at caregiving.
In order to do this, I had to come to terms with my feelings about him and his not being there for Mom. Every now and then, the fiery feeling of resentment comes up. I let it, whether I say it out loud or write it in a journal. I have had therapy, it has been helpful. I am still a work in progress.
How many times have I thought, huh, I ought to just walk away. This is my time, now that I have retired. He is not my father or husband or beloved. He is my brother. I know that there were times I wasn't there for him.
Karma? Perhaps, who knows? The shoe could have been on the other foot. Could've been me. Knowing that if it was, he would not be there for me.
Call me a fool or a chump but I can't walk away. I do what I can when I can but NOT over extending myself and my needs.
Karma is not up to us, thank God. You never know how life will turn out.
You will be faced to deal with your brother when your parents are no longer here.
Get your feelings out as much as possible however you need to. Save your energy for taking care of yourself and your parents.
Have I transformed my anger into positivity? I don't know about that, he enjoys what I bring him and the help that I give him. I just know that I can't carry that anger around. Too heavy a burden.
I get it. It is not right nor fair but it is the cards you have been dealt unless he changes.

Him doing nothing is worse than him trying to take over. I just pretend my brothers are not there to help. I don't think about them. I can't change them. I put all my energy into my mom who is now in memory care. All of her money will go to pay for her memory care. Karma back to my brothers who didn't help anyways.

1. I have a friend named Carme, I don't think she can help you although I'm sure she'd have good advice.

2. I sometimes sit and imagine the sweet release of faking my own death.

I don't know how I will transform my anger. Sometimes I shake with anger when I have to speak to certain family members - I have to do breathing exercises and walk while I talk. The caregiving experience has been enlightening to say the least. Ironically, the ones crowing about "blood being thicker than water" and "family" are most prone to abandoning a loved one like a threatened Quokka throwing their young towards an approaching menace. One particularly annoying morning I heard someone discuss the concept of success through the lens of stoicism, that virtue is the pinnacle of success and sometimes that is enough for me.

I have been very much in same boat. My older brother has some personal issues and has been acting strange and distancing from our family for a couple of years, has employment and divorce troubles, etc.—and was nonetheless chosen as the POA on all fronts. He does the minimal meetings with care facility people upon moving my parents to new settings, then doesn’t come back to visit or help at all with the things they need.

Prior to living in memory care, my parents never saw him and asked me endlessly where he was. It makes me furious.

We all got along well until things
went south with my parents health, but he’s honestly always been a true flake. I’m not sure we will recover the relationship and it’s very sad.

Dear all,

THANK YOU for so many kind words, and good advice.

So…let me update the situation here.

I have been counting (I’m a very precise person), and we are mannnnnny (that’s how I measure things. Little, many. I don’t have many units of measurements)…

We are mannnnnny people in the same boat.

I’m a bit concerned, because…you know what happened to the Titanic…
(OK, it collided into an iceberg. And the passengers weren’t helping their elderly parents).

OK, OK.

Anyway…

Courage everyone.
We will manage :).

We’re kind people.
How can we possibly not manage?

An unkind person has already failed.
Accumulating wealth doesn’t mean you’re a successful human being.

Sooooo,
while we’re on this boat together, COURAGE :).

Hello Karma :)

If I may ask what kind of behavior or inaction has your sibling done?

I ask because for me anger is dependent on the transgression, if it is something minor just not worth the energy. Just live your best life, do the best you can. No one can shame you and you have no reason to feel bad.

It’s natural to be angry when your siblings can help carry the load, but choose not to. It’s during these tough times that true love comes through in a family. But sadly, it doesn’t always work out. There’s nothing you can do about it. So accept it. God sees it and a day will come when your siblings will find themselves in the same situation. While I hate, hate, hate my siblings’ not stepping up, I can’t sue them and make them help out. One day, they’ll remember this season and regret sitting back and doing minimum. But maybe such a time as this is why you were born!

I'm in the same boat. The youngest of six siblings, taking care of mom basically alone. My older sister helped until her husband became ill, and she had to take care of him. My oldest brother is retired as is his wife (a retired nurse) and neither offer any kind of help at all. They send flowers for mom's birthday and Mother's Day--I guess that makes them feel better. Another brother & sister have nothing to do with the family, and the last of my sisters lives a couple of hours away and calls to tell me how much she appreciates everything I do, yet never offers to help in any way. I was angry at having to give up my life--through my forties and fifties--while they went merrily on their way. It took awhile, but I realized my anger at them didn't hurt them--it only hurt me. No, I'll never get those 14 years back, but then again, THEY'LL never have the memories I've made with my mom or the quality time spent with her. So, I let it go. I no longer keep in touch with my brothers or one sister--too much negativity and drama--and it was sad, but a relief nonetheless. There are many here on the forum that lament the fact that they are an "only child" and bear the brunt of the caregiving, but it doesn't just happen with only children. This isn't about my siblings--I've come to terms with the fact that they're egocentric and basically worthless--it's about my mom and my commitment to her and providing the best care possible for her. My "family" is now made up of those who truly care about me and we help and support each other any way we can. Mom fell in January and went to a nursing home for acute rehabilitation. It killed me to see her there, but guess what? She absolutely loves it! She's a retired nurse and once worked in this same facility. The nurses there let her sit with them in the nurse's station, and will occasionally take her with them when they give meds. Mom is 94 and has vascular dementia, but I think that on some level she knows where she is, so we're doing a "test drive" and leaving her there for now. I'm still adjusting to "being free" after 14 years of caretaking, but I have no regrets. Once she's gone, I have plans to move south and get on with my life. I can't control how others act, and realizing and coming to terms with that made all the difference in the world. You do YOU and do what you think is best. Let it go and leave your brother to his own devices. With my family, I hope to be there when the karma bus comes around the corner, but either way, I am at peace knowing I've done the best I could. Sending lots of hugs and good karma your way...