Hi all — I’ve helped my parents (86 and 87) for years, alone. I have 1 brother; he doesn’t help. I know many people (especially daughters) (like me) are in the same lovely boat.
I hired 24-hour live-in caregivers at home. My brother and I live in NY. My parents live in MI.
I helped my parents in many ways.
Both my brother and I are POA. (We are POA independently).
My brother “fell off the face of the Earth”, as soon as they became frail. Stopped visiting: otherwise he would be asked to help.
He last visited our parents years ago. All caring was dumped on me (finding agencies, interviewing, etc., etc.) (you all know similar, even if differing, details).
(There is no arguing/no fighting in the family. He just doesn’t want to help our frail parents.) (He calls every 6 months: again, so he’s not asked to help).
I have 2 questions please.
1. Does anyone know the mobile number of Karma? If yes, please give it to me asap.
2. A less important question: Has anyone succeeded in transforming their anger with siblings, into something positive?
Does your brother's POA status permit him to interfere with whatever choices you are making? If he cannot interfere and if your parents money is paying the costs, then leave your brother out of your thinking. Focus on how well your parents are being taken care of and how efficiently you are handing their affairs, just as you would be doing if you were an only child. If/when our parents and legal matters and paperwork need to be taken care of, accept the help of the bankers and brokers and professional people who know how things need to be done. most of the professionals are enormously patient and helpful. They are used to people being distressed and overwhelmed while they are not and they can handle legalities systematically.
I didn’t say caregiving.
I said I help. :)
We have hired caregivers at home.
BUT, I’ve helped with mannnnnnnnnnnnnny things (medical and non-medical).
Details unimportant.
I only asked whether some people have managed to transform their anger (against siblings) into something positive.
“then leave your brother out of your thinking”
All these things are already being done. Yes I make decisions without him.
That’s not the problem. My brother causes my parents trouble. I then have to fix it. Etc.
“Focus on how well your parents are being taken care of and how efficiently you are handing their affairs”
Yes.
But obviously, as is the case for many people, it’s not just helping 1 hour here and there. Then there’s not much to be upset about.
There are mannnnnnnnny problems (medical and non-medical). Not all can be solved by hired people. It lands on me.
It’s ok - that’s how it is. I posted uniquely to know if some people managed to transform their anger (against their siblings).
I love my parents. :)
Paperwork, I already took care of all that.
Hug!!
:)
My mom is 92 and in an assisted living facility. I have two siblings and many nieces and nephews. I visit mom really regularly, and sometimes really regularly is too much. My husband and I spent many hours with mom at Christmas. My one bro visited for a very brief time period. Of all of our 18 family members, it was just 3 of us that spent time with mom for the holiday.
Whenever the AL contacted me about mom because she was sick and in need of going to the hospital, the first call I make is to my one brother. The other brother and his wife are useless so we don't speak (AT ALL). No crying here.
So, two weeks ago, I missed the call from AL, so they contacted my one brother who never, ever contacted me. I got a call from the hospital the next morning saying mom was in the hospital. WHAT?
I immediately sent a text to my brother explaining the situation as I knew it. Then I called the AL wondering why I wasn't informed about mom's hospital transfer. I was told that they called my brother. OMG. WHAT? Then I CALLED my brother and read him a very subdued riot act. (I amazed my self with how subdued my riot act was.) He said he didn't feel it was necessary to call me because the ER said mom would be going back to the AL shortly. However, he called my useless brother who has seen mom 3-4 times in a year. My brother did not even go to the ER to see mom (which I most definitely would have).
My first reaction about my brother getting the call and not contacting me was that I would not contact him in the future if I get calls. However, that is not in my nature. He will be called, but not necessarily the first call I make.
Make sure you take care of you. If you have control of their money, be sure to "pay yourself" for services you have rendered.
I think this boat must be HUGE, because there are so many of us.
Terrible, regarding ER, your brother, etc.
I had a similar scenario.
Hug!!!
“If you have control of their money, be sure to "pay yourself" for services you have rendered.”
I completely understand people who are paid.
I myself don’t want to get paid.
Hug.
I loved every sentence!
I have been disowned by my only older sibling. I did all the caretaking while she lived her life in other states. Both parents now deceased. Her response when I told her I did not want her to come live with me - "You have always been jealous of me. You are a hypocrite." She has huge debt, she ran off to Algeria to get married to an Algerian half her age, now she lives alone in California in debt. I did offer her to come join me and then I realized my house is way too small for the both of us. A bungalow - Only 1 bedroom. 720 square feet. I started having really bad anxiety attacks. So I told her not to come. That quote fom her to date is my last contact with her. It breaks my heart but being 73 years old I finally learned no matter how you try to keep family members happy in the long run you must do what is right for you. I feel no anger towards her. I just feel sad that us both being in our seventies she is throwing temper tantrums like a small child. Her problem. I had to sell my mother's and my home of 48 years to pay my mother's debts, funeral, probate fees. I went through probate of my mother's estate with no help from my sister. Yet I am the "bad guy". Go figure. How she reacts toward me is her problem. Quite frankly no contact is a relief. The being on edge trying to walk a titerope to keep peace with her is gone.
I wish you well in your journey as caregiver. Do what you must and ignore the negative people. A lesson I learned the hard way late in life.
I also wish you well, of course!!
“Do what you must and ignore the negative people.”
YES :)
This nightmare has brought my aunt and I closer. This is my "positive outcome".
Hugs!!! I hope many other positive outcomes will appear! :)
As I wrote, my brother also causes trouble, and I protect my parents.
Hug!!
Hugs!!!!
Let’s hang in there.
I appreciate the folks in this forum. Be strong.
Be strong too.
“one sister called the other to ask why I was trying to get all the attention... we are damned for some folks no matter what.”
Guilty people NEED to put others down.
“I am reading how familiar this issue is to so many of us”
We must all be on a GIGANTIC boat together :).
You just have to take the high road. That is really my only advice. You can't change anyone. I consider my brother a "casual when he feels like it" visitor to mom. Once I removed his relevance and importance in my head, it made things easier for me. When he made the decision not to help his own mother, he mattered less to me....that's really the only way I can explain it.
He doesn't matter. You matter and your mom matters. Put your energy there.
Sending hugs your way!
After several years of caring for his parents at their home with little or no help from his out of town siblings, my husband & I came to the conclusion that when his brothers do visit (rarely), it is solely to visit his parents and not to offer to help US in any way. They could call ahead of time to see if we need anything or if there is something they can do, but they do not. That's just the way it is.
They know very well what it is that we do for their care and they are not interested in participating or helping out, for whatever reason. IMO, they are not going to change, and that's fine. We have moved beyond being angry or resentful. Best of luck to you!
Thank you, good luck to you too :).
“We have moved beyond being angry or resentful. Best of luck to you!”
Good!!
I’m doing the same.
Forget Karma. Anger is a waste of energy.
One thing that has helped my spouse and I some is that we send BIL occasional updates that just list things we've done over the past month; for example a list of visits/calls we've made on mom's behalf, summary of chores we've done for her, etc. Not bragging, just a factual summary of what's been done on Mom's behalf. We act like he'd like to be kept informed and try to keep it somewhat friendly and not judgmental or passive aggressive (which is tricky I have to admit.) Maybe this doesn't make any impact on the BIL but it helps us feel that at least we are keeping him informed of what we've been been doing for his mom. He can't plead ignorance at least. Best of luck to you. Just know you are not alone.
“I'm sorry that's happening to you and I wish I knew the magic answer to help.”
Sweet.
“Best of luck to you. Just know you are not alone.”
Thanks!!! Best of luck to you too!! :)
:) :)
Empathy to you from me.
“I was the only female and 10 years younger than my older brother, which posed a problem right off. He seemed to take the attitude towards me my younger brother and me that we weren't good enough in some way to be his equal - never said it, you just KNEW.”
“superiority business”
I must say —- there is something similar here with me too.
My brother, 7 years older.
I went to Harvard.
He went to Standford.
We both got a good education.
I hold a PhD. On my way to professor.
He is also very successful.
But — the fact that he’s older, there is somehow a very bad attitude of him towards me.
“Anyway, the barrier was broken, and from then on until he died, we had a better and better relationship, despite my sister in law.”
Amazing, so nearly dying, changed his attitude. It’s almost unheard of, that a mean sibling becomes nice.
“Anyway, don't count on it, keep your "doors" open”
I have always done so — until yesterday/today. He did something very bad. I have now really cut further.
THANK YOU for your kind words and help.
I will definitely be turning this negative into a positive experience, somehow.
Hello Karma
Did I read you & brother are both POA? Like co-POA?
Is that in effect? As in, your folks needs a POA to arrange services & pay bills?
But being joint POAs just doesn't work from your end?
Do you & your brother agree on their future care plan at all?
I've met many families where one wants to 'keep them at home' as per their wishes but another doesn't agree. Thinks it's time to downsize/move into AL. Is it like that at all?
Or maybe your brother is happy to call every 6 months & that's it. That is his boundary right there. He doesn't live there & just won't do elder care.
-Neither of us lives there
-We are independently POA
-My brother also wants our parents to stay at home. The facilities were we are, are dreadful. And, our parents have the money to stay home. And, neither my brother and I would want our parents to go to a facility, even if they were good where we are. Our parents are delighted to be at home. They have the money to pay. None of this is a problem, otherwise I would have said so. I would have said we disagree about what to do. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be angry, we would just be discussing different opinions.
-My brother, like many siblings on this forum, doesn’t just refrain from helping. He actively causes problems. I’ve had to fix the trouble, protect our parents.
Wishing us a great day!! :)
First, I don’t spend any time with people I don’t like. That includes thinking about them.
Second, I’m way too busy spending time with people I do like.
Third, I noticed that all the stress, toxicity, from my siblings (we are 6), hurt me physically. I started losing a lot of hair from the stress (it has grown back). Bad people will make you physically ill. The moment I realized they don’t care at all about me, was the same moment I gained my freedom. I’m free. Before, I was connected with dangerous, false, harmful “friends” (aka bad siblings).
Try Again
Very useful!
Good riddance. Some people are awful. Your life will suddenly be lighter, happier.
Unfortunately, my brother and I sometimes must talk. That’s why my post suddenly appeared a few days ago.
More bad behavior from my brother. Of course I got upset.
——————————
Since yesterday/today I see even more clearly his character: he did something.
This liberated me, because I see I really don’t want to have much to do with someone like that.
Despicable values, liar.
——————————
I feel freer now, having cut him out more.
Let me see if I can answer my own questions.
1. The closest I have gotten to Karma's mobile number is from wearynow's answer: 1-800-IN-YOUR-NEXT-LIFE.
2. Have I succeeded in transforming my anger into something positive? Since I posted my question, I followed Grandma1954 (1st reply to my post). Forget Karma. Anger is a waste of energy.
I'm working on a memoir (AlvaDeer's idea).
Provisional working title: The Road to Positive, Calm and Infinite Tranquility
Realistic Title: %/)(·/$)(Q/·=!)(·=!)"(=(/=··$!!!!!!!
And I feel more liberated. Yesterday, I radically cut even more, contact with my brother. (He did more awful things, yesterday/today). I see even more clearly his character.
I will endeavour to turn these negative experiences into something positive. Currently breathing in, breathing out.
Hello Karma
i have some questions please:
1. are you related to karma? are you counsins? or, oh my goodness, are you siblings??
2. i’m very interested in your future book “The Road to Positive, Calm and Infinite Tranquility”. i’m equally interested in “%/)(·/$)(Q/·=!)(·=!)"(=(/=··$!!!!!!!”. when is the movie coming out?
3. would you like me to kick your brother for you?
It’ll never come back.
The years, months, you helped. No money can make up for that. No money ought to make up for that.
I totally understand people who get paid.
As I said, this is just about me."
Yes, you already said that. For me, money did make up for time spent with my mother. I don't think you feel emotionally abused by your mother the way I did by mine. I wonder how you would have felt if you were?
Hugs!!!!!!
In short just let it go, live your life and let your siblings live theirs. I feel that is how you turn it into a positive.
Yes, we have hired caregivers.
But there are many problems to solve.
It is the same for adult children whose parents are in facilities. You still advocate, care, help. Many problems to solve.
If you truly live your life, and totally abandon (like my brother), then my parents will really get into trouble.
You said:
siblings have no obligation to help.
Understand, that my sibling, like many on this forum, creates trouble/harm for my parents. He doesn't just refrain from helping.
Sometimes we must communicate. Totally essential info.
“Stop choosing to be angry. It's a waste of time and energy.”
I agree.
“You've also got to remember that not everyone is a caregiver. They don't have the knowhow or the patience.”
Disagree.
We’re not talking about being a caregiver.
There are thousands of ways to help (some problems can be solved in 1 minute.)
Our parents begged him to help (even a small, very easily solvable problem).
He refused.
Other times, he said, “I promise I’ll do it.” Then didn’t. This caused huge trouble for my parents. Financial loss too. Did he say sorry? No.
He also does things that are harmful. He doesn’t just refrain from helping.
“You should be relieved they refuse to help! Otherwise you'd not only be dealing with parents, which is quite a chore, but siblings as well.”
Disagree.
Many things don’t need to involve the two of us at the same time.
Example (this is purely an example. I’m not actually talking about flowers. Please interpret this metaphorically.)
Here the example:
Cheer up mom? You know she loves flowers? Send flowers. (Doesn’t involve sister at all, and it’s a nice gesture).
——————————
My brother does nada.
——————————
He does cause harm, actively doing harmful things. I try to protect my parents.
——————————
Wishing us all a great day!!!
Hello Karma
I will never accept money from my parents for helping them. This is not my job. I do it because I love them. I don’t want to get paid."
And I loved my mother, too. But her dementia and lack of filters made her very demanding and unkind towards me. THAT is what made it so difficult for me. I knew NOTHING. I was STUPID in her eyes. She made it very clear that MY time was worthless. One of my brothers helped as he could, but he was states away. The other two? Not much. One especially did nothing, at one point not even visiting my parents for nearly 5 years (he lived just a few states away!). Yet in her final years THIS son became her favorite. He told me once that although my mother had said she would never want to live with me, that she indeed DID expect me to move in with her (?). And then when the MD at the NH suggested we put my mother on comfort care, this was the brother who wanted her to see another MD to get a second opinion. I just about lost it then; told him I wouldn't be doing that and that if he thought that was necessary, he'd be doing it.
Now interestingly, another brother was retired (as was his wife), yet they rarely came down to see my mother. The excuse was always that one or the other of their fully grown sons (usually the younger one) needed something done by them. And then when the idea was brought up about my being paid, this brother's wife sniffed that SHE would never accept pay for taking care of HER mother. To my brother's credit, he simply snapped at her, "YOUR mother is nothing like OUR mother!" LOL
I send lots of warm, healing wishes and thoughts to you.
Hug!!!!!!
It’s not just that he refrains from helping."
Can you give an example?
When people say that the non-involved sibling will be bothered by their conscience when the elders die, I just don't think that happens in many cases. And it's really just a way to continue justifying (and enabling) non-help from the sibling/siblings.
You say your brother is wealthy. Are you? Would some money make you feel better about something that's not going to change? Maybe your parents could change their will to give you more than a 50/50 split (assuming that it was it is) of their estate? Or pay you for your time now? Of course if they pay you now, meticulous records must be kept if they will eventually be eligible for Medicaid.
I got one of the POA brothers to pay me for my time involved with our mother, $20/hour (no hands-on caregiving; I did not live with her or vice-versa). She would never become Medicaid-eligible, so she (unknowingly; when I asked one time she hissed at me that, "you don't pay family!") gifted me the money (no taxes taken out) for what I did.
When I considered my involvement as a job, it became much easier to handle emotionally.
I am wealthy too.
I will never accept money from my parents for helping them. This is not my job. I do it because I love them. I don’t want to get paid.
I have a job.
I totally understand people who are paid.
I’m just talking about me.
The will:
It’s 50/50.
I don’t want it changed (let’s say my parents want to give me more).
Wishing us all a good day!!! :)
These days I'm grieving the loss of a parent who is still living, siblings who aren't who I thought they were, "family" as I knew it which simply does not exist, my freedom/identity, 5 years of my life and counting, my own mental health because it's hanging on by a thread even tho I've never had mental health issues before...and various other losses which would probably sound trivial but they add up.
One sibling enjoys their retirement. The other is semi-retired, travels and has an active/full life. I work full time (remotely) and I would give anything for a break. But my LO is not ready for outside help (refuses), and my siblings blame their lack of involvement on me.
I try not to dwell on the anger. But it's always there. More painful is the sadness. When you beg for help from people who are supposed to care, revealing that you're "not okay" and they still refuse, it hurts to realize you matter so little. And your LO loses out.
Working on all of it.
One.Day.At.A.Time.
“my siblings blame their lack of involvement on me”
That is awful and EXTREMELY manipulative.
You see, they have to somehow justify why they’re not helping (when I say helping, I don’t mean someone should help 24/7. Most of these awful siblings don’t even help 1 minute) (when I say helping, I mean help —— in some way. There are thousands of ways.)
Who wants to admit:
“Dear mom and pop, the truth is I don’t give a sh*t what happens to you. You’re suffering? So what. I’ll pretend to care a bit, otherwise you’ll disinherit me. You survived the emergency?? Shoot. I’ll have to wait longer for inheritance.”
(Not every sibling thinks like this, of course.)
But who wants to admit they’re an awful person?
Much better to blame someone else:
like you, Sandy. Let’s blame Sandy for us not helping.
But the reality is that there are many ways to help, which don’t involve you Sandy at all. Did they do it? Of course not.
Why not? Because you were never the cause Sandy.
“When you beg for help from people who are supposed to care, revealing that you're "not okay" and they still refuse, it hurts to realize you matter so little.”
As long as their life is ok, that’s all that matters.
“They do literally nothing”
Exactly.
Typical.
Common.
Dear Sandy,
This is not good (you said, “I have not yet been successful at overcoming my anger”) because now they’re two of us.
No, no.
We must listen to people here on this forum :).
Anger is a waste of energy.
(I would add, unless you can use it to propel you towards something awesome. Sometimes huge anger can create amazing success, because you use it as motivation.)
BUT, what we have, is the bad kind of anger, that eats you up.
Justified anger. But bad for us.
Let’s let it go.
:)
And if ever (you never know) someone does post Karma’s mobile number…
Well, hopefully I’ll already be smiling happily and have forgotten…
Karma calls.
HelloKarma:
Hi! You have reached HelloKarma.
Karma:
This is very confusing. I’m Karma. Hello.
HelloKarma:
No way! Get outta here! You’re KarmaHello?
Karma:
No…! I’m Karma.
HelloKarma:
Well, how nice to finally meet you. I don’t really need you anymore.
I could have written your question (just not with such wit). Perhaps my response will make me sound like a small person and I'm OK with that.
I took care of my in-laws for a decade. During that time my BIL was happy to take help from his parents (money, babysitting, etc) but did very little in return. When asked for help, he either said he would and then didn't show up or just refused in the first place. When one of his parents needed to go to the ER, we would text him. His reply was simply, "OK."
It was so incredibly frustrating because my hubby and I (mostly me) picked up the slack.
Fast forward to the week my FIL died - he was in the hospital/sent to hospice for close to a week. My kids and I were with him on day 4 when BIL called. FIL fussed at his son to come see him soon and hung up on him. My kids and I had a wonderful visit with him asking him questions and reminiscing. Our last words were, "I love you."
My FIL passed away the next morning. BIL never made the time to see him while he was conscious even though he knew that time was short. I don't care that BIL cheated himself but it does bother me that his daughter didn't get to say goodbye to her grandfather.
Karma, for me, is the peace that I have in my memories of them and how I cared for my in-laws.
That, and the fact that my BIL's only child has decided to make a career of being in the military and won't be around to help him as he ages.
I hope that you will have no regrets and that is the best form of Karma.
Yes, here I am, HelloKarma.
Thank you very much for your message!!!
I am so happy you took such good care of your in-laws. Amazing. So loving. I hope you were able to take care of yourself too, during that time.
“When asked for help, he either said he would and then didn't show up or just refused in the first place.”
Same here.
Very problematic: saying yes (it was my parents who asked), and then not doing it. My brother caused huge problems again and again.
“Karma, for me, is the peace that I have in my memories of them and how I cared for my in-laws.”
Yes.
“I hope that you will have no regrets and that is the best form of Karma.”
I have absolutely no regrets.
Once in a while, my brother and I must be in contact. For example, when I try to stop him from causing trouble to our parents. This brings up my (dormant) anger.
I haven’t thought about my brother in months. My post appeared yesterday, because suddenly we had to be in contact.
“When one of his parents needed to go to the ER, we would text him. His reply was simply, "OK."”
I don’t even get “ok”.
Radio silence (but message seen).
I stopped updating. The caregivers update him. He continues to hardly reply.
Dear metoo,
Thanks for your soothing words.
I will let go of all anger.
If ever I happen to meet Karma, I’ll say:
At last we meet. Has anyone ever treated you badly, Karma? Who has your back? Please don’t tell me you have lots of siblings, and you’re angry with some of them. That must get really messy & busy for you.
This life...its what goes around comes around. Meaning, your brother will pay before he dies. Ex: he will be very sick later on in life and come looking to you to are for him. That's when u say, sorry but you did not help our parents in any way leaving it all up to me. I did my caring you will need to find another option.
I was the oldest of 4 and a girl. My sister passed so the two youngest, boys are left. My Mom was a good Mom. Dad had his times but his family came first. If it was not for one of my SILs my parents would not have heard from that brother. The other lives 8 hrs away but rarely called and visited maybe 1x a year. There were times my parents got no cards for birthdays or holidays. No gifts. Just before my Dad died he said he appreciated that I always thought of them. Now I am not saying its the SILs job to make sure in-laws get cards and gifts but when she did finally give my parents Christmas presents it was Easter. And never anything Mom would wear or use. I recommended money because Mom and I would go shopping and get her new clothes. No, even when she became a widow and could have used the money. I was POA and caregiver. One SILs parents died so she never had to care for them. The other did care for her Mom who lived in IL.
I refuse to be mad. I refuse to feel guilty or regret for anything I said or should have done differently for my parents because...I was the one who was there. There for every hospital/rehab visit. Who cared for Mom in my home and later when she was in an AL and then NH. No I wasn't doing the physical caring once she was in AL and a NH but I still had all the worries and the one who visited. And the one the AL aide called at 6am in the morning to tell me Mom fell out of bed. I was also the one who watched her grow old and frail. My brothers couldn't see her that way.
My youngest brother has not called me since Mom died in 2017. Hasn't called my other brother either and they were closer in age. He lives not 30 min away. Again, I refuse to be mad. It only effects you it doesn't effect them. So, let it go. In the end your the one who did for your parents and you can feel good about yourself for that. If your parents are of sound mind, they can revoke brothers POA or move him to secondary if something happens to you.
Turns out, although I don’t have Karma’s number (caller ID withheld), Karma has my number.
Well, well, well…
We had a long conversation.
Karma says:
You received great advice from many loving & kind people on this forum.
Karma says:
Get going with your memoir. AlvaDeer had a great idea. And you already know which pictures to put in the back.
He’s wealthy, smart.
We both received everything in life:
—love, financial help to each start our own businesses, great education/universities
—etc., etc.
I think you want someone to share the burden.
Yes it's your folks, they raised you, you love them. But it's still a burden.
My *guess* is you are angry as you feel your brother should share this burden with you.
Again I have no idea what your brother thinks. But I know siblings are separate people, separate strengths, separate skills, separate things that drives them. Some have a strong competitive streak they hold into adulthood.
My SIL strives to be the one who is the best carer. Has even said so. My DH will never challenge & try to take this crown from her. She wanted it. She has it.
Maybe just accept you are the best caregiver.
Look elsewhere to share your burden if your brother is not the one. Don't be caught in the 'only family can help' rut.
You’ve misunderstood the situation.
My brother not only refrains from helping. He also did, and does, harmful things.
Wishing us a good day :).
Are you paying for their home care with their money as their POA? From your question it sounds like you are paying for their care with your money.
My parents pay for their care.
Wishing us a good day :).
Or did they groom YOU to be the caregiver?
My mom and dad did equal caregiving duties for my grandmother (on mom's side) and dad's parents, childless aunt and uncle and in-name-only-aunt friend of pgm.
They BOTH did the driving around, arranging, calling, getting folks into care (mgm lived with us but mom said "no" to anyone else moving in--I learned how to set boundaries). My brothers were taken along on these missions and they learned "this is what gets done."
Did your parents train up your brother that way?
Maybe THEY should start making requests. And maybe you should say "I think you should ask brother to do that. I'm busy/tired/sick of doing ALL the work."
They begged my brother for help. Even for a simple, easily solvable problem, he didn’t help.
They called him. Emailed him.
He said, over and over, “Yes! I promise I’ll do it.”
Never did it.
The problem (non-medical) became huge, because he never did it.