Hi all — I’ve helped my parents (86 and 87) for years, alone. I have 1 brother; he doesn’t help. I know many people (especially daughters) (like me) are in the same lovely boat.
I hired 24-hour live-in caregivers at home. My brother and I live in NY. My parents live in MI.
I helped my parents in many ways.
Both my brother and I are POA. (We are POA independently).
My brother “fell off the face of the Earth”, as soon as they became frail. Stopped visiting: otherwise he would be asked to help.
He last visited our parents years ago. All caring was dumped on me (finding agencies, interviewing, etc., etc.) (you all know similar, even if differing, details).
(There is no arguing/no fighting in the family. He just doesn’t want to help our frail parents.) (He calls every 6 months: again, so he’s not asked to help).
I have 2 questions please.
1. Does anyone know the mobile number of Karma? If yes, please give it to me asap.
2. A less important question: Has anyone succeeded in transforming their anger with siblings, into something positive?
Parents get old. So they hire some help. Or move into assisted living or something. He does not see it is his job in any way.
Now his sister is busy shopping, checking up, checking in, nagging about health checkups.
He sees that.
He says she must WANT to be doing that - or else she would (or should) quit.
It NEVER occurs to him that whatever his sister does, he must equal. He sees that as rediculus. (I agree).
Occassionaly wonders why sister is so involved in other people's lives.
Your analysis is wrong.
“He says she must WANT to be doing that - or else she would (or should) quit.”
He knows I don’t WANT whatever I’m doing.
He knows that our parents would have died on several occasions without my help.
He knows without my help, there would now be enormous non-medical problems, too.
He knows without my help, he wouldn’t be able to speak to our parents, etc., etc. (I helped with setting up hearing aids, with phone, etc.)
He knows the caregivers can’t fix all problems, and that if I hadn’t fixed certain things, our parents would be dead, or alive with many, many problems.
He knows not all problems can be solved by hired help. (Otherwise I would have done so).
“It NEVER occurs to him that whatever his sister does, he must equal. He sees that as rediculus. (I agree).”
I never said I want equal.
I said he helps with nothing.
Not even small, easily solvable problem.
In addition, he does, and did, harm through his actions.
It’s not just that he refrains from helping.
“Occasionally wonders why sister is so involved in other people's lives.”
On the contrary, he has sometimes said thanks to me. He knows very well, our parents wouldn’t be alive; or alive with many medical and non-medical problems.
I was living closest to my mom and have no children so yes I was the logical choice to help out the most and I understood this. Having said that, did that make it easier for me, a daughter who adored her mom and was running myself ragged back and forth every time I received a call or didn't receive a call and was worrying myself sick (literally). No it didn't. The times I did ask for help I'd get "Well, if you can't handle it yourself" and then still didn't get the help. I think my brother took mom's keys once for a week cause I was not eating and fainting out of stress. He gave them back to me after a whole week (insert sarcasm) cause it was just too much for him. Poor thing, (insert sarcasm again)
This is with five siblings who professed to care for my mom but when push came to shove hardly showed it with their actions.
Yes, I have since managed to change my anger into something positive. I'm not the scapegoat anymore since my mom died. I don't run to the phone anymore when I see their numbers. I don't volunteer anything personally about myself to them anymore. I don't go to every get together anymore. I don't feel any obligation towards them. In the past they showed me no respect. So, I don't automatically show respect to them. They need to earn that from me now.
How is this positive you might ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's empowering to see yourself in a new light where you feel like you deserve the respect and if you don't receive it move on from whoever isn't giving it to you. Where there used to be anger I have an acceptance of myself as the strong one and see my siblings as the weak, uncaring ones who showed that when my mom most needed them.
They've permanently lost their little scapegoat. Good for me I say!
I totally understand you.
“Yes, I have since managed to change my anger into something positive.”
Amazing! :)
“I don't feel any obligation towards them.”
I completely understand.
“How is this positive you might ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's empowering”
“you deserve the respect and if you don't receive it move on from whoever isn't giving it to you.”
Completely, totally agree.
I did, and do, the same as you.
“Where there used to be anger I have an acceptance of myself as the strong one and see my siblings as the weak, uncaring ones who showed that when my mom most needed them.”
Weak, uncaring ones.
I like that expression a lot!!!
“They've permanently lost their little scapegoat.”
VERY GOOD.
I tell myself that people do what they can do, and to expect them to do what I would do is unreasonable.
My brother did the bare minimum, and he lived with our parents or in their house for eight of the last 10 years. When he moved out for those two years (maybe two miles away), my 88-year-old dad offered to do his laundry just to get him to come by once in awhile. He came by once a week to pick up his clean laundry and drop off the dirty stuff and stayed 15 minutes, tops. Meanwhile I came up to see my folks every week driving more than an hour each way in So Cal traffic, and even moved in with them twice to care for them when they were sick. Brother did nothing on his own unless I asked.
It was what it was. I had enough on my mind than to let him take up real estate in my brain.
Now we're clearing out Mom and Dad's house where he's still living rent-free, and he's doing a lot of the work because I gave him a date to move out and he suddenly realized that date's fast approaching and the house is being whether he leaves or not.
His karma? He never once cleaned while living there ("Why? Who's coming over?"), and it's a 100-year-old house with original, leaky windows. It's full of dust, and as he's packing up, the dust is killing him and his allergies.
It's a small victory, but I'll take it.
“Let it go.”
Yes.
“It was what it was. I had enough on my mind than to let him take up real estate in my brain.”
True.
“It's a small victory, but I'll take it.”
I understand.
Many emotions…
Your brother…
My brother…
Thanks for your kind message!!
BUT you can't control him. He has the right to do as he wishes and you shouldn't try to force him to do more or do better. You also don't have to be happy with him. You are allowed to have your response to his behavior. Just don't try to make him do his share or things like that. If he doesn't want to, it's better he stays away in some respects.
So, take a deep breath and accept the way things are. Maybe he's just not comfortable with the awkward and strange things that happen as people age. Like if they have dementia, that is really hard for many people to deal with. Again you don't have to like it, but being upset about is a waste of your energy. I think it's also OK if you give him the cold shoulder if you are too angry that he's unable/unwilling to step up to the plate.
Also, you don't have to do more than you're comfortable with either. I know it's hard and as you know very common.
“Maybe he's just not comfortable with the awkward and strange things that happen as people age.”
No, he has no problems seeing decline. He said so.
He said he doesn’t mind abandoning our parents.
“BUT you can't control him.”
Yes. For this reason, it is useful to have Karma’s direct number.
But - in the meanwhile, following advice below, I have forgotten Karma.
“he's unable/unwilling to step up to the plate.”
He’s not unable.
If that were the case, there wouldn’t be anything to be upset about.
There were, are, many problems: medical, non-medical, etc.
No help received at all. Some problems are tiny, very easy to solve. No help received.
Our parents called, begged him to help with, for example, an administrative, small problem. No help received.
Etc.
He also did, and does, harmful actions.
It’s not just that he refrains from helping.
My brother is wealthy, smart, etc.
He’s able.
”Also, you don't have to do more than you're comfortable with either.”
This is true. (theory)
But the reality - in practice - is that things happen. New emergencies, problems. Again, one can abandon. I don’t.
We have caregivers.
But not every problem can be solved by them.
Thanks for your nice message!!
I have a twin sister. Mom’s in Memory care.
In the last 6 months, I have received precisely ONE text asking for an update on Mom. One.
I used to get mad that I am left with taking care of Mom. Thanks to everyone here, I try to remember that at the end of Mom’s life, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I did everything that *I* could for my mother. My sister is in charge of answering that for herself.
I’d be happy to send you her picture for inclusion in the back of your book, though! 🤣😂
Good :).
I wanted us to laugh/smile :).
“Thanks to everyone here, I try to remember that at the end of Mom’s life, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I did everything that *I* could for my mother. My sister is in charge of answering that for herself.”
Exactly.
I have a friend (man; about 50), very kind, who helped his parents a lot (even though he has his own family, job, etc.)
He told me the same (we spoke on the phone — that same phone I was going to use, to call Karma).
He said:
“You can be at peace with your conscience. Your brother, not.”
———————————
“I’d be happy to send you her picture for inclusion in the back of your book, though!”
Very good.
:)
Deceased brother only cared for himself, visited mom only when he wanted money.
Around this time, film festival in city he did not want to miss (understandable). Went to festival, Apr 12 (day and date match up this year) had heart attack, could not be resuscitated; hospital let medical examiner handle it from there, hospital did not even sign death certificate.
Karma.
Trying to get over anger of how he did mom, financially, but feel better to forgive not for him but because of her and healing myself.
I understand.
“Karma can come when you least expect it and in a different way”
I’m ready.
has had a positive impact on my own family as well as my Mom whom I am caring for.
“I decided I would embrace Good Karma”
Excellent point.
Anyway, last year I was like you - very angry and upset . The Forum-ers here and my husband made me realize that the anger was affecting me and not reaching my brother (literally). He's in another country and very laidback anyway, so all my pleas for his help just slides off his back. After much arguing & begging he finally did send some money to cover mom's expensive private insurance here.
I'm constantly hoping my mom gets lucky, goes in her sleep & that will be the end of any ties with brother. And to think, he was mom's favorite when we were kids.
Like Alva says about writing, I try to keep a gratitude journal with pluses and minuses - the minus is always brother not helping but I've managed to jot down lots of pluses to drown out my brother's silence. Also, there are tons of others here who have idiot siblings not helping, so I know Im not alone, which helps a bit.
Let it all out here...and I will buy your book too..heh..heh...
As far as 'karma' goes, the angst you're bringing on yourself by these angry feelings you have towards your brother are worse than any 'karma' that results from his behavior. Just my feeling on that subject. We should strive to live our best lives, to do our best, to help others, regardless of what anyone else chooses to do, and be satisfied with the results that come about as a result.
Lastly, why not sit down and have a conversation with your brother. Ask him honestly why he's chosen to take the approach he has with his folks? I was irritated with my son when he didn't visit his grandmother (my mother) as often as he could have while she was living in Memory Care AL. Until I realized it caused him deep grief to do so and he cried afterward for a long time. Then I realized the price he paid for those visits, and it helped me understand the 'why' behind his behavior a bit better. Now that grandma passed away, he's beating himself up for NOT visiting her more often. So in the end, the self-punishment he's dishing out is worse than anything I or grandma could have given him.
At the end of the day, we all have to take accountability for our own behaviors and actions. THAT is 'karma'; to look in the mirror and know that our actions or words have created pain for someone else. That's my take on things, anyway.
I hope you are able to come to terms with what your brother is doing, and find peace with it, for your sake & for the sake of the family relationships at stake. Best of luck.
I did help 24/7 like so many daughters.
We didn’t always have caregivers. I organized it.
My brother and I, at the same time, visiting our parents. Emergency. My brother flew away early so I would be left with everything. Organizing nurses, etc.
Etc.
Same with non-medical problems.
“while your brother was intentionally ignoring your anguish, that would be another matter that should cause this level of angst”
This is what happened.
——————————
My brother has no problem seeing them decline. He says so himself.
Another topic:
Do you have siblings Lea? It might be you don’t.
I think it’s hard for only-children to really guess what it’s like to have good/bad siblings.
I think it’s hard for those who have siblings, to really guess what it’s like not to have siblings.
“If you loved him once, you should love him still”
I do not love and adore forever, whomever, no matter what. Examples: I do not love and adore murderers, rapists…
“Lastly, why not sit down and have a conversation with your brother. Ask him honestly why he's chosen to take the approach he has with his folks?”
He says, he doesn’t want to help. He doesn’t mind abandoning them.
Another topic:
Karma.
Who is Karma?
I’ve already forgotten.
In amnesia mode now.
Anger, what’s that?
Never heard of it.
In not-wasting-my-energy mode now.
:)
Wasted emotion. Right.
I’ll put it in my memoir.
AlvaDeer has set me on a path to write my memoir.
I could go on about the concept of Karma, but I will spare you.
#2 QUESTION: The way to let go of anger is perhaps that prayer they all use at AA. The one about changing what you can change, letting go of things you cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
So consider yourself on a search for the wisdom to know that you cannot change other people, including the bro. His position is crystal clear.
Once you let go of the expectations, the anger will automatically melt away.
Eventually, you will decide if brother is someone you admire and want a lot to do with, or if he is someone accidentally born to your parents, but NOT someone you want much to do with.
I think it is crucial for you to think about what is really happening for you. To do that pretend the bro doesn't exist and never did. Pretend you never had one.
Are you overwhelmed with the care of your parents?
Do you wish/need to step away a bit, and how can you best do that?
Might a Fiduciary help? What else might help.
Brother needs to be out of the equation, just as essentially he is out of his parent's lives.
Consider drowning your anxiety in a hobby like writing the next great memoir; your post was quite wonderful and gave me a real giggle!
I sure do wish you the best.
I will buy your book!
#1
You don’t know Karma’s number. This is not going well. I was hoping for a very quick solution to it all: and I have my phone ready to call.
Anyway, Grandma1954 suggested to forget Karma. And that’s what I’ll try.
Currently, in amnesia mode.
#2
The AA prayer
and
“the wisdom to know that you cannot change other people, including the bro.”
I am a black belt in karate (seriously). Is there really no way to change people? I’ll ask my sensei. I practice hundreds of kicks daily.
…In case you’re right, and even my super duper, feminine kick won’t change someone…OK, AA prayer it is.
“Once you let go of the expectations, the anger will automatically melt away.”
THANK YOU.
YES.
“Eventually, you will decide if brother is someone you admire and want a lot to do with, or if he is someone accidentally born to your parents, but NOT someone you want much to do with.”
He was someone I adored, admired, loved like crazy.
Now I think:
he has despicable values. I feel nothing towards him (he behaved so very badly). It’s ok with me to cut him out.
——————————
Dear AlvaDeer,
THANK YOU.
I never considered this:
“I think it is crucial for you to think about what is really happening for you. To do that pretend the bro doesn't exist and never did. Pretend you never had one.
Are you overwhelmed with the care of your parents?”
It never occurred to me, to imagine that.
It’s a VERY useful exercise.
———————————
“Consider drowning your anxiety in a hobby like writing the next great memoir; your post was quite wonderful and gave me a real giggle!”
Thanks.
In reality, I am someone who simply wants to make people laugh, happy.
I’m very glad I made you laugh.
“Drowning my anxiety in”
“a memoir”
Excellent idea. I’ll try something like that.
Haha, now you made me laugh: you’ll buy my book.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH. :)
He does not care if you are angry,
Your anger has no effect on him,
You are the one carrying the heavy burden of anger, he caries none.
You can do one of 2 things.
Just forget that he exists and carry on and do what you need to do to care for your parents.
You could even ask him to withdraw as joint POA so that you do not have to deal with him when it comes to making decisions.
OR
You can withdraw as POA and let him take over. This would force him to step up. (But what effect would that have on your parents.)
Forget Karma.
Just do the best that you can for your parents. If you do that then YOU can rest easy knowing that you have done all that you can.
Not to make excuses but there are some people that just can not handle watching declines happen. It makes aging and death a reality and some can not take that. There may be things going on that you are unaware of. If that is the case maybe he also is doing the best that he can when he calls every 6 months. Again not making excuses ..there are not just 2 sides to a story, somewhere between the two sides is the reality.
Just to clarify:
—We are POA independently
—There’s nothing going on, on his side. He has no trouble seeing decline. He himself says so. He just doesn’t want to help/nothing/nada.
—Our parents helped us both financially a lot, during our lives. Getting our businesses started, etc.
—We were given everything in life. Love. A great education, etc.
—My parents are very disappointed in his selfishness.
Let me definitely try your suggestions:
1. “He does not care if you are angry”
You are absolutely right.
Anger waste of energy.
Right.
I’ll now breathe in and out. Release the anger to him.
2. I “can forget that he exists”
I like that idea.
I mean, of course he exists. But I won’t think about him. We talked for the 1st time in months today (by chance our voices/phonecall same time to our parents). I feel nothing towards him. I used to love him so much.
I don’t like his values at all now. For this reason, I feel nothing for him.
3. I tried to withdraw from the POA, to force him to help (even minimally) (I’ve already done all the work, setting up in-home care, solving many other problems).
He continued to abandon our parents. I can’t, won’t let my parents suffer. So I help (but hired even more caregivers, so that I have less to do).
4. “Forget Karma”
OK. I’ve never thought of forgetting Karma.
But why not. Let’s give it a try.
Henceforth, I try to forget Karma. I was hoping for mobile number, but I’ll try amnesia (regarding my friend Karma).
5. “Just do the best that you can for your parents. If you do that then YOU can rest easy knowing that you have done all that you can.”
THANK YOU.
This is true. I have ZERO regret. I did, do, my best — towards my parents and towards myself/my own life. I’m equally committed to helping my life.
6. I WILL TRY ALL YOUR SUGGESTIONS. Thank you, dear Grandma1954!!!!! I especially like point 1 and 4.
Somehow liberating to forget Karma.
…my screen name is Hello Karma…
Maybe instead, it can be:
Peace