I have been helping care for my mom who has been on home hospice for the last couple of months. She has been declining in health for the last 7 or so years due to Parkinson's disease, and was diagnosed with cancer prior to being put on home hospice. At this point, she is bedridden and pretty much needs everything done for her, from feeding to changing depends. Her spirits are very low, she is often upset and cries a lot.
For the last few years, I have been struggling with anxiety and severe depression (which I am currently in treatment for). I often feel empty and emotionless/numb. I haven't felt very upset about the state my mom is currently in, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. I continue to just feel numb as I care for her. I'm not sure if it is because I have become so accustomed to my mom being sick for so many years. Or if it is just part of the depression. Or autopilot mode. Or if I've become this horrible, careless person. My mom can also be difficult to deal with at times, and I often find myself feeling frustrated with her...which makes me feel very guilty.
My dad and I take shifts caring for her. She usually needs caring for through the night as well (we tried 3 different night-time care aids to help us but my mom refused all of them). I care for her Friday nights til Sunday evenings, and Tuesday nights til Wednesday evening. I feel like I should be there more, but between lack of sleep and her frequent needs, I feel like I can't handle more than that.
Has anyone else experienced this "lack of feeling" toward their loved one, as well as frustration?
I think if you go through enough hurt and heartache your mind and body have this resource that can stabilize you and keep you safe. It's like that flight or fight instinct. Somewhere in between maybe.
I felt like I was on auto pilot a lot when my mom was ill and dying. It wasn't that I didn't care. I just needed to be numb. Maybe that is what you are experiencing?
I am terribly sorry that you are struggling with this. I recently lost my mom at the age of 95. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home. She had Parkinson’s disease. It’s excruciatingly difficult to watch a parent decline. We experience many different emotions.
Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling as you do. I loved my mom dearly but it was hard being the primary caregiver. Sometimes I felt resentment, then I felt horrible for feeling this way, because Mom didn’t get Parkinson’s disease on purpose to make our lives more difficult.
While I was growing up, mom didn’t complain excessively. She rarely cried, so when she did occasionally cry later in her life, I knew something was truly bothering her. She had deep faith and prayed daily. She wasn’t one to embellish or act like a drama queen. She went through a lot in her life. I admired her resilience.
Living with a brutal disease changed her after awhile. Naturally, it is a burden for a person to live with an incurable disease. Yes, she did complain some. It’s hard to listen to the same complaints over and over, even if we still have compassion for them. I used to wonder if at times if I was becoming immune to the situation, in order to cope.
We may have the best intentions when we start out on our caregiving journey, but I don’t think that we fully realize how hard it will become. I know that I didn’t. As much as we don’t wish to view our parents as being a burden to us, caregiving does becomes a hardship as time goes by.
Oh gosh, I can’t begin to tell you how awful it made me feel to feel some of the emotions that I felt. I now realize that they were perfectly normal emotions for me to experience. My mom understood that I felt the way I did and she absolutely hated imposing on my life.
I contributed to creating the atmosphere for her to become dependent on me. There were extenuating circumstances in my case that caused my feelings.
Mom lost her home in hurricane Katrina. She was instantly homeless and all I wanted to do was comfort her. It didn’t dawn on me to tell her that she could live with us temporarily. I believed that I wanted to care for her in our home until she died. She became accustomed to being dependent upon me.
Mom did tell me that if I ever needed to place her in a facility, to do so. I was so torn about how I felt. Eventually, I knew that I could no longer continue to care for mom. Mom lived with my brother and sister in law for awhile, and spent the last month of her life in a hospice house.
Do not feel bad about hiring additional help or placing your mom in a facility.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Caregiving can be such a struggle, day after day after day. The involuntary numbing you feel is likely self-protection. The feelings will probably come back when your mind knows you can "take it." Many of us here have experienced the same thing or something very similar. No more guilt, Cheryl. You didn't cause this!
If you read some other threads you'll find that some of us have reached the "won't they just die already" stage. I know I have. We joke about it at my house but it's really how I feel. You need to back-off some of the care taking duties and just hire the night-time care aids even if your mom objects. Sometimes it can't be her decision.
a condition characterized by emotional and physical exhaustion leading to a diminished ability to empathize or feel compassion for others, often described as the negative cost of caring. It is sometimes referred to as secondary traumatic stress.
Google it, and take the test online to see if you suffer from it vs. burnout; there is a big difference. Here is an article on the subject:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/compassion-fatigue
Here's a link to the Compassion Fatigue test for helpers:
https://www.michvma.org/resources/Documents/Prof.%20Competencies/2017%20Proceedings/figley%20self%20assessment%202.pdf
Please don't ever think of yourself as a horrible, careless person! We are all human and as such, have our breaking points, especially after care giving for years on end. Don't think of yourself as some being that should be able to handle all that's thrown at you without breaking down........that's not realistic or healthy. Nor is it realistic or healthy for you to be in such a position to be a personal caregiver to a mother who's been so sick for so long. A nursing home is staffed with teams of caregivers who work around the clock precisely so that one or two people don't have to suffer the tremendous burden that you and your father have been suffering. You're only two people doing the job of a large TEAM of people; so it's no wonder you're feeling this way.
Wishing you the best of luck in finding peace and joy for yourself amidst the duties you've taken on.
May I suggest that you and your dad find a way to get other people involved in helping to care for your mom. The schedule you are both trying to keep is not sustainable for a long period of time. The goals of hospice are
1 - to help your mom to be comfortable for whatever time she has left on earth, and
2 - to allow family members and friends to have quality interactions with the loved one that is on hospice.
It seems that neither goal is being well met with only you and your dad as caregivers. Talk with her doctor about medications for pain and anxiety so she will be more accepting of more help.
God bless.
If numbness prevents pain and sadness from robbing you of the energy you need to be loving and caring to your mom, that’s a good thing.
Cheryl, even a Lamborghini needs to fill up (not that I’ve had a Lamborghini but go with me on the car metaphor). Please find moments to take care of yourself - Life is easier when you’re not exhausted, you can’t help your mom when you’re running on empty and fatigue begets fatigue.
Sending a 🤗
Before my last position ended, I literally had zero emotion of empathy for my client. I never slacked off on the physical work for a second. She was immaculate because I gave her a head-to-toe bed bath daily. Her hair was washed twice a week. I brushed her teeth, did her meds perfectly, and made sure she was fed very good food.
I totally neglected her emotionally. I just didn't care. I switched on the auto-pilot every day and got all the physical work done. I did it in silence though.
The same thing is happening now with my mother. In addition to a lifetime of gaslighting and verbal abuse, I've listened to her complain incessantly about all her health problems since I was a little kid. Until finally I got to the point now where I just walk away and feel nothing.
This is caregiver burnout and you have it. You and your father have to bring in outside help to give you a break. If your mother refuses it, don't give her any choice. It's either accept outside caregivers or it's not possible for her to remain at home.
It’s horrible to be doing our very best, only to feel invisible or worse, to be criticized by others, because we aren’t all smiles. How in the world can frustrated, exhausted and isolated caregivers be chipper and cheer up those that we are caring for?
I am truly not trying to place blame on others that are innocent observers, or should I say, ignorant observers. They simply don’t know how tough it is to be a primary caregiver, but I absolutely feel that our opinion of caregivers must change. Caregivers deserve appreciation and respect for their hard work. Not that this takes away their burden, but it’s some comfort knowing that their efforts are recognized.
So, I would like to say as a former caregiver to all of the current caregivers, you have my support. I would also like to say to all who are being cared for by others, to please treat your caregivers well. It’s a two way street. No one likes to be taken for granted. Caregivers are amazing people. Everyone needs time to rest.
I do have empathy for those who need care. I would not have been a caregiver for so long if I hadn’t. People need to work together for the best outcome for everyone.
Remember, you count.
Read this poem on line. It’s helped many.
She Let Go-by Safire Rose
Sometimes it helps to mentally take a step back and see your situation as part of the human journey. "This is what people have done since the beginning of humanity."
You are not a horrible person.
If you are on any kind of depression meds, they can help you feel indifferent to your mom's condition. Also, maybe your feelings are your way of dealing with it.
I would install a camera in her bedroom so you can check on her whenever you wanted 24 7and I would hire Night Caregivers and sleep with ear plugs. Your mom will end up allowing the Caregivers if you explain to her that for you to be able to function and take care if her during the day, you need your sleep at night, then just stay out of your mom's room after saying hood night.
I use Nest Cameras fir my 97 yr old Dad that is living in his own house with 24 7 Caregivers
It is exhausting to try and run back and forth. I did this with my dad until he passed because he refused all doctor's advice.
In any case, it is hard to take care of someone else when you do not want to.
Why do you feel guilty for this? Do you have your own passions and dreams?
If so, go after them and you can still care for your mom while pursuing your own life. Stopping your life to help your mom, is not good for you or her. You need to feel happy and healthy. Taking care of someone else and ignoring yourself is not helpful in anyway. Live your life before you get old too and can't do anything but stay home.
85 and in fair health, low mobility by her choice, no hobbies or interests. She refuses to socialize with the new friends at her senior community. She refuses to call old friends and check in.
Mom has part time day and evening sitters who she adores.
I am her target for frustration, boredom and anything else.
I enjoy my own family and help to care for my six young grandchildren.
I also help care for my husband's 92 year old aunt and help my husband with his business.
Mom tells the world I am micromanaging her life, am controlling and mean. She has dementia and I know her brain is not well. It still is hard to constantly hear this.
At some point, your mom’s ability to refuse care can’t be her choice anymore. You and your dad should talk about that. The added caregivers are as much for your emotional health as it is for your mom.
Once I found someone I trusted to hire and come in, I simply told my wife that “Linda” is going to come and be here while I run to the store. Over time, my wife accepted Linda as a personal friend who sat and read to her, told her stories, talked, etc. You can move into using a caregiver slowly and gently. And you will see how it benefits everybody. You are not a bad person. These are new experiences that we have to walk through carefully. Good luck and God bless you.
You sound like you can use a break. Is there any way to get live in help for a few days or maybe a week, so that you can take care of you?
* You and your dad need to agree that you need to hire caregivers PERIOD. Your mom needs them (and you/your dad). You have to make decisions that serve her best interest, and the health of you and your dad to 'keep going.' If you burn out, as it sounds like you have / getting there, you will not be able to care for her at all and need/rely on caregivers.
* Do what you need to do. Do not argue with your mom. Tell her you understand how she feels. Then hire people. You have to - to survive. Do not wait until you have a breakdown.
* Ask your healthcare provider about how you feel. Since you are on depression meds, hopefully you can get some medical professional support.
- I would also suggest you research / read Andrew Weil MD website or purchase his book(s). He is holistic/focus on preventative healthcare and an MD. Get his DVDs or CDs. He will help you understand what you need to do - and how to take care of yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters