I have been helping care for my mom who has been on home hospice for the last couple of months. She has been declining in health for the last 7 or so years due to Parkinson's disease, and was diagnosed with cancer prior to being put on home hospice. At this point, she is bedridden and pretty much needs everything done for her, from feeding to changing depends. Her spirits are very low, she is often upset and cries a lot.
For the last few years, I have been struggling with anxiety and severe depression (which I am currently in treatment for). I often feel empty and emotionless/numb. I haven't felt very upset about the state my mom is currently in, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. I continue to just feel numb as I care for her. I'm not sure if it is because I have become so accustomed to my mom being sick for so many years. Or if it is just part of the depression. Or autopilot mode. Or if I've become this horrible, careless person. My mom can also be difficult to deal with at times, and I often find myself feeling frustrated with her...which makes me feel very guilty.
My dad and I take shifts caring for her. She usually needs caring for through the night as well (we tried 3 different night-time care aids to help us but my mom refused all of them). I care for her Friday nights til Sunday evenings, and Tuesday nights til Wednesday evening. I feel like I should be there more, but between lack of sleep and her frequent needs, I feel like I can't handle more than that.
Has anyone else experienced this "lack of feeling" toward their loved one, as well as frustration?
You and your dad need help. You need to hire a caregiver or find a care home and unfortunately, your mum is not in a place where she can refuse this. She is not the decision-maker in this.
Your roles need to switch to being companionship roles and in finding yourself some quality of life, maybe you can share that with her.
I have seen people say this before on here and I think it is sage advice.. put your own oxygen mask on first.
So sorry for what you are going through and what you family is going through.
I don't have any answers except to suggest taking as good of care of yourself as you can and certainly to know that you are the exact opposite of an uncaring person.
Take care.
I am now in counseling and was just expressing my fear that when mom is gone I will feel guilty that I didn't do a good enough job. My counselor asked me what I could do to prevent the guilt. I have a hard time enjoying my mom's company. She is very social and would love to talk and have lengthy conversations, Because of some of the things she has said and the way she behaves, I find this very difficult to do. If I express my feelings to her she tells me I'm too sensitive.
So I find myself on auto-pilot being as caring and polite as I can be. I wish I could have a more lighthearted relationship with her, but I find myself stuffing my feelings down and going on with my day.
Know that you are perfectly normal, a very caring person, and not alone. Caregiving is one of the hardest things to do.
Find time to do what you love...reading, gardening, exercising, sewing, crafts...whatever it is that makes you feel content.
God Bless you,
Is there a senior county agency that you can reach out to for at least information on any resource where you can get a break? A church that may offer a half hour visit from a member/minister so you can take a walk or watch a movie?
Right now you are "doing the task" of caring. The mind and body usually just go into action mode and you are in survival mode. Don't feel you aren't normal or should be different.
I hope you can find a hobby or get to a movie or read a book once in awhile for your own well deserved health.
Mom refusing aids is not helping. You and your dad may have to give her an ultimatium - night aids or you go to a health care facility ( even if you might no follow through- it is worth the possibility she allows it)