Has anyone else lashed out at their non-helping sibling?

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Non-helping siblings have all kinds of excuses for not doing the right things or even doing their share. They are who they are. My brother said he could not "stand to see my mother that way". That was HIS excuse for not visiting her in the nursing home on a regular basis. I think this is his way of saying it was heartbreaking for him. I never argued with him about it. One day, I just decided that I knew what I had to do so that I would not have to live my life with regrets. I looked after both of my parents for over 15 years, living with them Monday through Friday while I worked full time and taking care of all of their financial, légal, and health matters. My mother passed away just 10 days ago. My work as a caregiver is done. Yes, I wish my brother and his children had helped ME by visiting OUR mother more often than they did. But, now they have to live with what they did or didn't do. I have faith that our Lord sees what we do in life. I am content that I did all that I could do. And I thank the Lord for giving me the strength and wisdom to do all that I did. I am certain that I will find my peace with all of this. I hope and pray for you and all other caregivers, that you receive the strength that will get you through all of the suffering, pain, exhaustion, loneliness, sacrifice, dispair and financial distress that so often accompany being the sole caregiver to a parent. Remember who you are and know that your love and kindness to your parent will sustain you. When you look back, as I do now, there will be sadness but not regret. And you will begin to recover and to rediscover your own life and gentile peace. I wish you well on this blessed journey.

Good advice from all as usual! Even though it's hard to hear, let alone face the truth that our siblings may not love and care as we do. Yes, we question why and how that can be? Is it physiological? Starting from an early age? Due to child rearing? I know it was tough to see wonderful parents who loved unconditionally be treated, from an early age, so wrongly. Hard to hear a loving mom wish for a visit or just a call, wait for a card; I did many reminders, for her. Dad seemed to let the aloofness roll off, but I am sure it hurt and saddened him so. I loved hanging with him from an early age, so it became easy to enjoy "guy stuff." In all probability we cannot change someone. If we try there's work involved, maybe even heartbreak. You be you, love and care, that's what matters. I did. God Bless

Oh my---who HASN'T????
I do it "nicely" but I still blow up at the MIA sibs on a regular basis. No point and completely useless, but I get so angry with them!
Mother really, really wants to see her 3 other kids and their families. She doesn't call any of us, so it's up to us to call and talk to her. EVERY single time I see mother (once or twice a week, always, unless I am in timeout :) ) she says the same thing when I walk in "Oh, it's you. I hoped it would be ----(one of the others). After about 6 months of this, I will shoot off emails or call the non present sibs and remind them to call or see mother. Nobody lives more than 20 minutes from her, so distance is no excuse.
I actually had lunch with my older sister a few weeks ago. We had a lovely time. She goes to leave and I asked if she'd stop in and see mother for a few minutes and she looked dumbfounded. "Why? Is she not OK?" It didn't even OCCUR to her to just visit for no "reason". (sigh)
I imagine she sees the 3 other sibs once or twice a year. She's 87. I feel so horrible when she asks me what my sibs are up to, but since they don't call/visit, it breaks my heart to tell her stuff that is going on and she has no clue. She lives with my younger brother, so she is quite involved with his family, but she does miss the other kids.
In short, if you HAVEN'T blown up at the family over lack of care, whatever, you are some kind of saint.
And the "you're off your meds" comment? TOTALLY a way to shut you down. Worked, too, didn't it?? Mean, just mean.

I was so happy to see this question pop up today! YES, more times then I can count...which is more than I could ever count on most of my siblings. It's like pulling teeth to get help with even the most simple things, and the quick burnout/short fuse doesn't help.

Please Rosy, Print ALL the answers that are given here, highlight the sentences that give you relief, comfort, and support and POST THEM ON YOUR BATHROOM MIRROR.
Just an idea.....
If you want, look back through my "sibling" comments to see how horrible the whole thing can get. ($75,000 in legal fees for me and mom - spent all her savings:(
As mentioned above, I am now an only child. Say it to strangers so you get used to it. No contact between my two older brothers and me for about 2 years, 2 years before that was all lawyer contact. This started the day mom turned 90. both brothers decided "mom is 90 and you are bipolar, we will be taking over now." No visits, phone calls, letters, etc. for 30 years and now it is time to "take over"? Of course the family money was involved. Thought it could never happen in OUR family. What a joke. Mom is still upset EVERY day and I have to listen to how upset they made her, how they didn't listen to what SHE wanted, where did she go wrong raising them, why couldn't I see this coming, etc. etc. etc. (Did I mention it has been FOUR years since they decided they would be in charge???) I am now an only child and my life has improved. Mom's hasn't. She just calls them "rats, skunks, and snakes in the grass" weekly. (She also sees Trump Jr. in one of them.... "We are going to do this my way and everyone is going to be happy with it.")
Anyway, there is nothing I can add to all the posts that are here to encourage you, know that you are not alone with sibling problems, take breaks as often as possible and remember if you are not well, the situation is useless for your parent. Prayers and hopeful thoughts to you.
Kate

We have a twist on this problem. My older sister and only brother have completely taken over and so far have completely screwed things up. Both are broke, sister is 4 paychecks from being homeless, is months behind on a massive mortgage and has filed for bankruptcy twice. Brother has no savings and lives paycheck to paycheck. We know that one of them has already stolen part of a coin collection including thousands in gold coins. One morning about 2 weeks ago, my brother comes waltzing into Mom's house and announces that Dad has given him the complete coin collection. (We asked Dad and he says he did not) Now very valuable coins are missing. Sister is POA and even though dad and mom have both told her to secure the coin collection, she has not. She has taken brothers side and now we have been ostracized by brother and sister and her family. My husband and I want to help Mom and Dad stretch their money for as long as possible, but Sister has harassed us and made enough veiled threats against us that we've decided it best just to keep our distance and do what we can for our parents .

What my siblings either don't understand or simply don't care about is that at best there's only about 3 years money to keep them in assisting living and nursing home care. After that they will be on Medicaid. The part they don't get is that Medicaid looks back 5 years at where Mom and Dad's money went. If it doesn't make sense they audit and question any child that has had unexplained windfalls. If my husband and I are questioned by Medicaid, we have nothing to hide as we've accepted nothing from Mom and Dad. But the other three siblings (there's a second sister who is also living paycheck to paycheck) who have all helped themselves to Mom and Dad's money. Problem is, they have no way to pay it back. So we worry that Medicaid will come after my husband and I to repay what my brother and sisters have taken. We have an appointment to see our estate planning lawyer just to find out where WE stand, and what if anything we can do about it.

We've already changed our Will and Living Trust and other estate documents to make sure that my brother and sisters can't do to us what they've done to my parents. We have retained a Trust Administrator to handle our estate when we get to the point where we can't handle our own affairs anymore.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're having problems with siblings over your parents estate or their care, make sure of the legal ground YOU'RE standing on, and then maybe it's just better to step away from family, but do the best you can for your parent(s). Spend time with your Mom or Dad and make sure they know you love and care about them.

I know in some states they either strongly encourage children to take care of their aging parents or they are going to make laws requiring it, I heard something about it quite a while back. However, there are some cases where children aren't required to be caregivers to abusive parents. In my particular case, I was never required to care for them and I didn't even know when each of them died until I happened to find out. My dad may have been the only provider, but on the other hand he didn't really provide because he didn't provide protection from the abuse and he even did much of the abuse. Due to childhood abuse at the hands of our mom, none of us ever had to worry about that. As the only living full-blooded child, I never had to worry about my dad either due to past severe prolonged life-threatening child abuse over a period of 13 years. Having barely survived, none of us owed them anything, and we certainly weren't required to take care of them. In this type of case, you're really not required to take care of your abusers when they age. My parents actually went to a retirement home until mom died and I don't know what happened to dad but he died of Alzheimer's in a nursing home. Things worked out for the better because I'm just not cut out to deal with demented or Alzheimer patients. 

Now in your specific case, you may want to review the relationship between your sibling and your dad. There may have been some kind of situation between them that you may not know about, definitely check that out because that right there baby exactly why she's not helping because maybe he did something to her to drive her away. Sadly, this is the case in so many families and it seems to be on the rise. It seems like parents never think of their own future before abusing their children. They never think that one day they may need their children and by that time, it's already too late because the damage has been done. Parents are not only hurting their children but they're also unknowingly hurting themselves by hurting their children because they're hurting their own future. When you most need care from your own children, they won't be there if you ever drove them away and sometimes it doesn't take much. You always want to make it right because you're not only hurting them but you're also hurting yourself. 

If the relationship between father and child was not strained in any way whatsoever, another thing to look at is that maybe the sibling may actually be working a high demand job and may not be able to help. Putting myself in that particular scenario, I would definitely snap back  at you if I was already too tired and absolutely could not help. My first approach would be to calmly tell you I can't because of my high demand job that requires too much physical demand. If you persisted then I would definitely snap right back at you because trying to get me to do something I simply can't is only going to backfire on you. Get over it and find other help that's what I would say. have you ever thought maybe your sibling already has enough on her plate and maybe she may actually have too much?  I'll bet you never thought of this before lashing out, did you? Something people may say "I'm tired too but I keep going". My reply is, apparently you're not tired enough or you'd drop in some situations where you're at your physical end and just can't go no more. Please put yourself in your sibling's shoes. As for the meds situation, perhaps you do take meds and you may have been off of them, I don't know. Don't be ashamed to be on meds for any reason at all and if you happen to skip doses, it happens but it's not the end of the world. If you happen to have any kind of disorder whether it be physical or mental, being on medication is nothing to be ashamed of even if you happen to have missed doses. Don't be ashamed, if you need them, you need them. If you haven't taken them in a while and your family knows it, just start taking them again and don't be ashamed. Apparently you need them or the doctor would've never given them to you. I hope you get the situation with your sibling worked out and I hope you're able to find out what may have happened between the siblings and your dad. I hope you can encourage them to work it out because he needs you all now. Encourage them to admit if they were wrong at any time in their lives and be willing to mend the broken relationship at this was the case. If it turns out that your sibling may not be cut out to be a caregiver for some reason or another, don't hold it against your sibling, that sibling is just not cut out for it. If the sibling is able to help, encourage him or her and maybe even have a reward waiting at the end of the task or at the end of the day. Give the sibling something they like such as a favorite snack or maybe fix them lunch if they come over. These are just some ideas  you can use. I'm sure the sibling has a favorite dish or maybe even a favorite beverage. These can actually be rewards that can be very encouraging to a non-involved sibling if you find out they really are able to help. Instead of lashing out, dangle rewards for helping. 

* Try to keep the tasks as easy as possible if the sibling may not be physically able to do anything strenuous such as lifting, this will be more inviting and they may actually want to help if they know they won't have to do anything beyond their physical ability

The uninvolved non-caregiving siblings are 100% unaware of all that it takes to do a good job of caring for an aged disabled parent, especially if that parent is in assisted living or memorycare (my mother, 95). Guilt drives them to say "you don't NEED to do a thing for our Mother - it's "on YOU" if you want to do that, but it is not necessary. I could make a list of 100 tasks that are important to the survival and health and happiness (separate from the many loving social visits) of a parent in Assisted Living.....financial decisions, health decisions, trips to DDS and eye doctors etc .... discovering that the eyeglasses in her eyeglass case are somebody else's.....meds review...pre-arrangements for "passing" which are required by AL, selling and repairing house, moving to elderly residences as necessary, investigating the best place - not to mention retiring early to buy a condo next door to that failing parent for 10 years....there is not enough room to write everything. It falls on dead ears, and striking out at the caregiving child is their only defense against "owning" their own guilt. Honestly, I don't think that there is any convincing to be done. All you can do is try to manage your own stress - and this is coming from a daughter who is not being paid for anything (no housing, no nothing, in fact it costs me money in gas, food, clothes, toner etc). And though unlikely, if there are remaining funds, they are to be divided equally between the 3 siblings. My reward? First, it's the right thing to do, second, when she is gone, and I see a sad elderly parent commercial on TV, I will feel good in my heart, and that contributes to your own health to balance off the stress you've endured for years, decades. I've been 28 years by my mother's side (living next door or a mile away) and the siblings feel that this is therefore my job. They also think I'm having "fun" doing this. I know the story isn't unique, and my mom may live to 100 despite her severe dementia and weak body and now blindness. But, if not me, then who? My mantra: "It's never wrong to do the right thing".

If you are the caretaker be sure you are the POA and Health advocate or a trusted professional is. Never agree to be the caretaker and allow a sibling to be on the POA. Non-caring siblings are often trouble makers for a variety of reasons.

You are lucky you only have 1. I have 5 siblings. One is helping a lot (lives with her), I live a continent away, yet I get there at least every 2-3 months to help (I used ALL of my vacation time to help). One who talks a big game but does nothing. NOT even when she is asked, always says she is so busy, but is nice about. 2 who refuse to do anything because they disagree with the other 4. We focus on what's best for mom and hope we can all sleep at night because we did what we could. Things are not even that bad, yet.

I am the primary caregiver for my mother and get almost no help from any of my siblings. They say the same things about not loving or approving or liking our parents so they can't be around them. That is one way of not dealing with complicated unresolved childhood issues. (I'm a therapist). If your siblings cared about you they would see that it is equally their responsibility to care for an aging parent if they can. If they can't then they support you as best they can. Putting you down is not a support. Yes, their own unresolved issues and lack of courage to face them and work on them will leave them feeling guilty and having emotional regrets. They will probably rationalize them or push them down. You are doing all the right things and you will not feel regret in the end. But...mostly, you have to very rigorously take care of yourself. That means taking meds as prescribed, sleeping enough, exercising when you can, and finding time for fun. IF you do that you won't get burned out as easily. Just saying.

You can be sure that you have plenty of company. My own sister not only does as little as possible but she spreads her venom, lies and deceit to other relatives as her goal is to defame and alienate me. Though she does not value her own close relatives and has a terrible relationship with her own child, she's an activist in the Family Values movement. If I were you I'd avoid all contact with your sister. Sounds like she's the one who needs help.

Has anyone ever?

Are you kidding? This site is loaded with stories of non-compliant siblings in all manner of description.

If your sister is staying away, not harassing you, not criticizing you, not stealing your mother's money, then fall on your knees in gratitude.

You are one of the lucky ones.

And, take all of the advice above. Forget about her. You never hear from her anyway. Take excellent care of yourself.

Aww sorry this happened to you Rosy123. I have a non helping sibling too :-( but we have a decent relationship. I'm a people pleaser so I suppose I play a part in my own resentment. My Mom finally entered a nursing home this week. I love her, but holy cow do I feel relief. She's safe while I'm at work and I am not emotionally and physically drained. My brother has guilt. We are playing the same roles we did growing up. Me the oldest people pleaser and him the happy go lucky,please myself kind of younger brother. The stress of being a care taker with no help will get ya,lol. I'm 49 and have been doing this for a really long time. I've acted like I'm off my meds a few times! Heck they forgot to put my happy meal in the bag when I picked up dinner at McDonald's 2 weeks ago,and I cried. I cried because I thought,dang even McDonald's doesn't care. Total pity party and crazy,but I had a nice cry. Stress does terrible things to you. Please take care and if you actually need something like xanax to calm you ask your doctor. Nothing wrong with using something for a few weeks,to preserve your sanity and health. A little glass of wine now and then helped me,lol. So,don't let your sister press your buttons,which is exactly what she's doing.

Many times when they make a statement that you off your meds, it's their way of disregarding the truthfulness of what you're saying or absolves them of taking on any responsibilities. But I have also learned, that you can't change their mind and are usually unable to be reasoned with... so you might as well save your breath and your blood pressure!

Life simply isn't fair. Live with the thought that someday you will be rewarded in Heaven, if not before, and take care of yourself.

Your sister does not love your father. She may have valid reasons. Or not. But the fact is that she has made a decision about her own actions and there is nothing you can do to change that. Give it up. As far as caring for your father goes, consider yourself an only child. Is that fair? Hmm. Is it fair that your father can't take care of himself? Fairness often has nothing to do with physical and mental health. Act in a way that you consider fair and honorable, and accept that you cannot force anyone else to make the same decisions you do.

You've gone through this many times. Repeating the same behavior and expecting different results is, well, not productive. Drop this subject entirely with your sister. Then you can decide if you want to detach from her entirely or if you can maintain a cordial but superficial relationship with her.

Your profile says that your father is in Assisted Living. He can get his assistance from there. Many people in AL have no family in the area and they manage just fine. I do understand that having a loved on in a care center does not make all the work go away for the family. But surely the AL staff "covers" for you when you need a break or go on vacation, etc. You don't need to have your sister do that.

She has only visited 5 times in 10 years, she says she doesn't love him, and you still think you are going to be able to get her to fill in for you? Or take an active role in his care in AL? You have had to accept the reality of your dad's diabetes and his inability to care for himself. I think you will be much happier if you accept the reality of your sister's decisions.

To NYdaughterinlaw... I loved and appreciate your response... you make a lot of sense... you have made me feel so much better. You are right. She has always been condescending to me. And, if this is a sign of guilt... I hope she is feeling a LOT of it. I have been caring for OUR father alone for 10 years. She has visited him approx. 5 times.. never calls him... and is never able to cover for me when I can't help him. She says... well I have a job... you don't! I might not have a paying job... but sometimes I just want someone else to load up the walker and drive him to get a hair cut... sometimes I just want a break. I asked her one time why she would not help me... she said she does not love him... that she hates him... So... I guess that leaves it all up to me.

"You are off your meds" seems to have become an acceptable way of insulting someone by insinuating that they are mentally ill. If your sister thinks you're nuts, she may be projecting onto you *her* guilt about not helping. Taking care of aging parents is hard work and it puts pressure on one's psyche because old people often make demands that are unreasonable and emotionally charged.

Review what happened between the two of you that led up to her making that statement taking into consideration the kind of relationship the two of you had while growing up. Is this part of her pattern? If so, don't make it your problem. If not, ask her for an explanation.

I'm not a "lashing out" kind of person, but, if someone was concerned that I was not taking my medications, I'd likely check to see if I was being compliant and if I wasn't, I'd ask for help so that I could be. If I was taking my medication, I'd likely explain that she was mistaken and ask why she would say such a thing. Sometimes miscommunication can cause problems, when it doesn't have to. I hope you can straighten it out. If you are both caring for a parent, you likely need all the help you can get.