Drunk driver killed my grandmother exactly 11 days after my grandfather had a massive stroke. My aunt is literally crazy and has major issues, my uncle is selfish and if it doesn't benefit his agenda, he is know were to be found. so much that he moved out of state. My mother is the only person who cares for my grandfather. Taking days off at a time, take hours off to take him to doctors appointments and such, cleaning house, fixing pills, gets called 10+ times in a 8 hours work day at work to be told something or asked a question. All on top of trying to care for her own family, have a life and work. She is beyond stressed out and has become someone I can barely recognize anymore. She is frustrated and hurt and at the end of her rope. She wont stop doing what she is doing because she says its what he is "supposed" to do and needs to care for him, but it is slowly killing her. I dont know how to make this change. its been happending for 18months now
The thing is, granted she is cleaning his house and fixing his pills, it sounds as if she is also doing a great many practical tasks that other, hired people could do. And IF that is so, it would be so, too, even if your grandfather could be persuaded to move in to long term care. His needs would be taken care of, but your mother would still run herself ragged chasing around after him.
I think you might have quite an emotional can of worms on your hands, here.
Eighteen months is not very long in the scale of things. Your grandfather had a major health event, which must have shaken your mother, and then the loss of your grandmother in such a horrible way, so suddenly, on top… Dreadful.
Do you feel that your mother gave herself any time to adjust to these events, or is that a silly question?
It sounds as if she has got herself into a bit of a vicious circle. And the abrupt withdrawal of her siblings is contributing to all of the anger, grief and resentment she's working out. For example, suppose you were to suggest practical support for your grandfather's care: do you think she'd probably to tell you that it's all hopeless, everyone is incompetent and outside help is more trouble than it's worth?
I agree with Jeanne absolutely that what you yourself should do about your aunt and uncle is forget them. They're not in the picture. Accepting their choices does not mean that you're not supportive of your mother, but it will help you to look more clearly at what changes need to happen - and then you can help her think again about where the family goes from here. By the way, that doesn't have to mean putting grandpa on an ice floe and sending him away - just sorting out a plan that reduces your mother's burden to something approaching reasonable.
She's not alone. For one thing, she has a concerned and sensible child looking out for her :) - but also, what about the rest of your own immediate family? What do the rest of you think?
Leave Aunt and Uncle out of this. That is their choice. Mother is responsible for her own actions. While she certainly means well and thinks she is doing her duty, she is making some seriously self-damaging choices. There are other options, but I don't know how you can convince her of that.
Tell us a little more about your home situation.