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On a side note, my mother died a few weeks ago. One of her possessions was an urn with our father's ashes. When the 7 of her children got together to plan her final service, we discussed if anyone wanted Dad's ashes. No one did. Did anyone want an urn of Mother's ashes? No one did. Here is how we resolved the question:
We brought Dad's urn to the funeral home. The director opened it and mixed Dad's ashes with Mother's. We each selected a very small memorial urn, to be filled with a small amount of the mixed ashes. These will be displayed at the Celebration of Life this weekend, among the flowers, and then we'll each take ours home. One of my brothers will take the remaining ashes to scatter in the area where Mom grew up, probably next spring.
Everyone is satisfied. People of good will can work these things out if they are flexible and cooperative.
I don't think the issue here is the legal basis for their relationship. If she has been his life partner, she was involved in planning the final service, she wants the cremains, then she is entitled to them. You have been his daughter, if you've been involved in his life in his later years, you helped plan the final service, and you want the cremains, then you, too, are entitled to them. The obvious solution is to split them. But that is a decision that would have been best made before the cremation. Were you working together to plan the service?
If the ashes have not been sealed in a metal urn, it would be easy even now to split them (assuming they haven't been scattered). If they have been sealed, the urn could still be opened and the ashes split (although the original urn might not be re-usable, depending on how it was sealed.)
People of good will can work these things out. When good will is absent that complicates things enormously. Any chance of appealing to her better nature, and cooperating? After all, you both have lost someone who was very important to you.
Did your Dad and significant other live in a state that officially recognizes common law marriages? "Only a few states recognize common law marriages, and each has specific stipulations as to what relationships are included: Alabama. Colorado. District of Columbia. Georgia (if created before 1/1/97) Idaho (if created before 1/1/96) Iowa. Kansas. Montana."
Curious, who planned the funeral? How many years did your Dad and his sig other live together?
One doesn't need to be married to get a sig other's ashes. Sounds like she and your Dad had been together for many years, so naturally she would get the ashes, especially if she had planned the whole funeral.
I don't think there is any legal basis to ownership of ashes. Maybe she could share half the ashes with you if you were part of their lives.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
We brought Dad's urn to the funeral home. The director opened it and mixed Dad's ashes with Mother's. We each selected a very small memorial urn, to be filled with a small amount of the mixed ashes. These will be displayed at the Celebration of Life this weekend, among the flowers, and then we'll each take ours home. One of my brothers will take the remaining ashes to scatter in the area where Mom grew up, probably next spring.
Everyone is satisfied. People of good will can work these things out if they are flexible and cooperative.
If the ashes have not been sealed in a metal urn, it would be easy even now to split them (assuming they haven't been scattered). If they have been sealed, the urn could still be opened and the ashes split (although the original urn might not be re-usable, depending on how it was sealed.)
People of good will can work these things out. When good will is absent that complicates things enormously. Any chance of appealing to her better nature, and cooperating? After all, you both have lost someone who was very important to you.
One doesn't need to be married to get a sig other's ashes. Sounds like she and your Dad had been together for many years, so naturally she would get the ashes, especially if she had planned the whole funeral.
I don't think there is any legal basis to ownership of ashes. Maybe she could share half the ashes with you if you were part of their lives.