Hello, I am in a complicated situation with my dad right now. Almost a year and a half ago my mom (who managed the house) passed. Right after my mom passed I had to step up and help my dad with getting access to his bank account, pension & life insurance. I was lucky because I made my information his verification contact but I did not add myself or my sister to his bank account or mortgage. Shortly after he got a DUI and the courts took his license (only form of ID). He informed me he had a girlfriend, cashier at the liquor store. Then probably 3 weeks later he had a massive stroke that left him paralyzed on his right side and unable to speak clearly. My sister and I were in a jam on how to care for my dad after rehab. His girlfriend reached out to my sister and one thing turned into the next and she was to be paid $1000 a month, free room and food, to care for my dad as a caregiver. We thought she was a God send. I managed the bills, accounts, paying the caregiver and my sister managed the medical stuff. When the POA discussion came up with my dad she became very upset and insisted we were trying to control everything. Now she claimed (because it’s still very difficult to understand my dad) that my dad doesn’t want us to be the POA and want complete control of finances. I currently have technically illegal access to his bank account and I do have all of his important documents, SS card, and birth certificate, even is new ID. But she think my dad has the right to have his stuff, but I’m unwilling to hand it over to her. She says she has his best interest in mind but obviously there’s self-interest for her. Legally what can I do? He sees her as his girlfriend and even though he can’t communicate clearly or walk. It’s obvious he agrees with her. He is incompetent. He can’t be left alone or help himself at all. In her credit she is a good daily care taker. I feel if I declared him incompetent it would make my relationship with him and her harder for both him and my sister, since she also struggles with the caretaker/girlfriend. Does anyone have advice or suggestions?
Is your father demented or is he in his right mind? You say he's incompetent. But he ISN'T incompetent mentally unless he's declared so. You cannot be made his guardian unless he is COMPLETELY incompetent MENTALLY. And if he fights it he likely would win in court. IF he's incompetent it's too late for him to make anyone his POA.
That's IT.
You say that you have "technically" the ILLEGAL access to his account? Thank god, because this will give you time to see an attorney before the two of them GET MARRIED.
Is your father a person of wealth?
You have invited this woman into his home, his life, and you have "hired her".
He could tomorrow say he is in love with her and he could marry her and make her his POA, Executrix, and put her on every single account he has.
Your only hope is that your father IS incompetent, you could annul a marriage and call in APS with accusation of elder abuse, threats of elder abuse. Difficult, because she was his "girlfriend" and you "hired her".
You have "Invited the Lion(ess) in" and she is now the Lioness at the Gate.
I think you are in some major trouble here if your father is minimally cognitively sound, and from all you say he is. He isn't diagnosed as incompetent; am I right? He in fact has no diagnosis of mental incompetence?
It is time for you and Sister to attend an elder law attorney.
Take ALL INFORMATION.
Find out your options.
Your intentions were STELLAR. You had the BEST intentions. As they say, the road to Hades is paved with best intentions.
But this is where you are now. You may soon be attending a wedding, so I would tread very carefully. BACK OFF right now and don't make ANYONE here afraid, especially the lion. When they get afraid they go for the neck.
Please be careful. See an attorney.
EVEN IF this elder law attorney sees your WILLING dad, and he makes you and Sister his first and second POA, he can CHANGE THAT in a second. To get him declared incompetent it will take neuro exams. To be guardian of an unwilling man? Well, watch what you wish for is all I can say, because on Forum we have seen people trying to give up guardianship and judges not allowing them to do so.
You are on a tightrope and you are without a net and you are in the middle of this journey. Take care.
I sure hope you will be updating us and I wish you the very best. BE CAREFUL. Take a deep breath before reacting to ANYTHING. She is forewarned and she is going to be working to protect everything she can.
I would see an elder law attorney because this situation is sticky and you don't even tell us how old he is, how long he's been dating her, if he's back at home (or in rehab) and what state he lives in.
He needs an advocate and if I were you I'd not have it be this "girlfriend" who is probably new on the scene and clueless. I would not be having her as his caregiver. That's just me because I have a relative who was PoA for her half-brother. She privately hired an "awesome" caregiver who stole everything from the brother (he was bedridden from a stroke and was "in love") with her. Left him destitute and my cousins battling in court with the half-brothers ex wife when they found out what happened, etc... ugh a total mess.
A lawyer is the one who can determine his legal capacity. I'd consult one sooner rather than later.