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I am with "notgoodenough". Only, even if you bought the house, family will consider it still his and he would to. There's a recent thread about this same thing.

I would say when family visits, leave. They can care for Dad and you can get out of the house. Don't feel you need to entertain. Also, it really isn't your home.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
Exactly. When the family visits you, your husband, and your child go stay at a hotel. Or plan your vacations around when they're coming to visit.
If they want to cop this kind of attitude, let them take care of the elder. They'll change their tune if they do.
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I think if the family is already adversarial upon occasional visits, you need to consider that this attitude will only increase the longer you live there, and the worse your FIL's health becomes.

The problem is, unless (and unfortunately, EVEN IF) you have purchased this home from your FIL, you clearly have relatives who view this as his home, and not yours; regardless of whatever care you're giving FIL. These self-same relatives might even feel that you "owe" FIL this care for "letting" and your family live in FIL's home - even if you're paying towards the household.

You and your husband might want to seriously re-think this living arrangement. You should also have some ideas for the future - like in the instance that your FIL needs placement and his house has to be sold in order to finance that. Will you and your family be left homeless should that happen?

There are too many sad stories of adult children who move in with ailing mom and/or dad, and figure that it will be a "win-win" - figuring they can save some money on living expenses, while giving needed care to mom/dad who don't want to leave their home and their "independence". Then the care becomes too much, parent(s) has to be placed, parents' assets have to be used, and adult caregiving children find themselves in a real financial bind. And often, non-caregiving relatives feel like the caregiving children should have been "saving up" for this very scenario - never giving any thought to the difficulty in maintaining a full-time job while being a 24/7 caregiver.

Make sure you have an ironclad, doable "escape plan" in place if you are going to continue on this path.

Good luck!
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You might consider family mediation. While you are living in the home, you ARE doing the care, what there is of it as well, and it IS also YOUR home. Question here is how often does this happen? Do you know why they are so adversarial with you? And given this are you protecting yourself. Are you the POA for your FIL? Does he need one? Does he want you in his home? Does he want all the relatives piling in at once? Is there a better way to divide up the home space,or are you in a condition that will not be tenable for you and your young daughter?
If you would like mediation contact numbers I can give you web sites; just ask for them.
This is basically still your FIL home; I think that you should see an elder law attorney with him to get together on whether you are being paid for any care now or in the future. Whether he requires your acting as his POA and limiting visits or not. Much of the power here still rests with your FIL and an adversarial relationship with the rest of the family is going to end in a total nightmare for you. This is a matter of "can't we all just get along" and I think you all need to find a way to come to agreement and to get along WITH your FIL part of those decisions. There are worse things than a periodically grumpy up-too-late toddler. MUCH worse, and you could be heading there.
Basically, unless he has serious dementia you are down to WHAT DOES DAD WANT. And before he does, see an elder law attorney so that when he does you can act on your POA to limit visits as you feel is needed. This all needs to be in writing, and thought out. You, as daughter in law living in your FIL's home will have little say in this matter. It is FIL first, his son second. Hard to handle when you are doing the cooking and cleaning, I know, but you took this on, hopefully not totally blindsided by who this family is.
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I don't think you're being unreasonable, not at all. But I also think if the family only visits occasionally, and if you want to keep peace with them, then you'll agree to deal with a grumpy toddler and a bit of chaos. The other alternative is to have your FIL ask them to leave by 8 pm or whatever time he feels is appropriate; his house, his rules, which they may feel more prone to abiding by.

It's really a shame when you are doing something kind & generous for your FIL and his own family won't compromise a bit for YOU. It must make you feel like someone who has NO VOICE at all in this home you're living in, which stinks.

I think maybe you should ask your FIL to set down some rules for the family members. I hope it works.

Best of luck.
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