My father recently came to live with me. He was living with my brother and his wife. They ended up telling my father he had to move somewhere else or he was going to a nursing home. I had offered for years for him to come to me, but they always said that he belongs "with them".
I am now finding out that he was kept in his room and only came out for meals. We are working on changing that and he is coming along. He recently had an accident in his bed, and he didn't tell anyone about it, I noticed that he sheets were not pulled up and asked. He said that he had an issue, but it will dry. I started to change the bed and he became very upset that it was "inconveniencing" me. I was devastated that he couldn't tell me. I made him promise that he will tell me in the future, but I doubt that will happen.
I keep telling him that we are glad he is with us and he just keeps saying that is what _____ used to say and you will change your mind too.
Any suggestions on how to get him out of his shell and not afraid to tell me when he needs something?
His “accident” was an embarrassment for him that he didn't want to fess up to. His “inconveniencing” you made him feel that he needed help in caring for himself. No elderly wants to feel that they are being treated like a child.
Continue to emphasize that fact that you love him, that he is living with you now, that he has free range of the house, and won't be kept in his room. Tell him not to be afraid to tell you when things go wrong for him. Allow him to offer some input, such as what he would like for dinner, what TV show he would like to watch, allow him to participate in small household decisions, tell him he can help himself to the refrigerator, make him feel he's part of the family.
You're on the right path, Fundays2, just keep doing what you're doing.
Many thoughts circulate in the mind of elderly parents which can interfere with our efforts to be supportive. Additionally, some of our expectations for open communication and cooperation can be misplaced, leading to conflict or feelings of resentment/dejection which wear us down over time.
Kudos to your father for his insight, but I do wish you every success.
Don't promise him that you will never send him to a nursing home. Sometimes care of an elder DOES become to burdensome AND the elder needs more specialized care than can be given in a home setting.