I am doing my best to assist my 71 YO mom as she recovers from ankle surgery. She lives in Illinois and I live in Florida. I have a brother who lives about 20 minutes from her and another brother who lives 90 minutes away. My brothers have been able to help with getting her to and from the hospital, but I have taken on a lot of the administrative and research tasks, as well as doing my best to support them financially (paying for car rentals, etc).
I have been able to coordinate a lot for her, including setting up home health for her—including in home doc visit and labs (this was for an issue unrelated to the ankle), working with the social workers for each hospitalization, and getting her set up for a stay in rehab post surgery. I’ve also been working with local agencies to help with things like installing grab bars in her shower, transportation, etc. Her husband has early onset dementia, so I have been researching resources for him as well, including respite care for my mom, as she is his primary caregiver.
While I think I have been able get a lot accomplished and take the pressure of hours of phone calls and research from my mom, I still have awful feelings. Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right things? No matter what I do, another crisis seems to pop up. Is it my fault? If I have a good day, I feel guilty. I have had a few people express concern that they feel I am running myself down, but I still feel like if I can’t solve all of the problems, I am not helping. I know this is an impossible task, but I still feel terrible and like it is somehow my fault.
My mother in law told me recently: “this is your responsibility since you are the daughter.” That made me feel even sadder for living so far away.
I have a very happy life in Florida. I do not want to give it up. That said, I am living in an almost constant state of anxiety and guilt. My mom is only 71, and prior to the ankle issue, she was getting along well. She is very independent and I want to support her. It’s just been all consuming lately, and I am feeling burned out and helpless.
I know there are many long distance caregivers out there. Any advice on dealing with these feelings? I really am doing my best, but I can’t help but think that my best is not good enough 😢
My brothers emptied the trash one a week and complained about that!
Based on my experience helping my aged parents I think you have been doing the lions share. I agree with other comments that your mother should be taking on some of the tasks. Don’t count her out yet. If you are doing all this now what will it be like in 10-15 years?
Please don’t give up your life in Florida.
While I do not disagree, I think the most important thing you can do is listen to the hands on siblings and show empathy to their daily struggles. This is not to discount what you do but there is a huge difference. Sometimes the hands on person has a bad day and it is nice to have someone listen.
Good Lord girl!! When I read thru the list of things you've been able to accomplish from a distance, the answer is "Yes"! You're doing all you can!
Mom, is going to recover soon, but if you keep beating yourself up you're going to end up exhausted!
Please take care of yourself!!
I put her in the drivers seat with home health as so many of you recommended, and that was going well. I felt optimistic for the first time in months. She sounded great when I talked to her this weekend and was so happy to be home.
fast forward to today. Seemingly out of nowhere, she was having a great deal of pain in her back and chest, and once again went to the ER via ambulance. Once again the scramble to make sure her husband had someone to stay with him. Again I am on the phone for most of the day talking to care coordinators, my siblings and home health. Again hoping my job will understand because I cannot work and deal with a crisis at the same time.
Surprisingly, I’m not feeling the pangs of guilt for living so far away. Instead I have anxiety and feelings that no matter what I do, things don’t seem to get better. I am certain that going back to the hospital was the right thing to do, and I am grateful that she realized she needed to go.
That said, I feel a profound sadness. I feel afraid to relax or allow myself to feel happy, because the moment I do, some other crisis comes up. Worse than that, I am starting to feel like a terrible person because I feel resentment for the constant state of crisis. So many people deal with far worse situations than this, and who am I to complain? I don’t resent my mom—this is not her fault—but I find I resent having a crisis to deal with just when I feel like I can start living my own life again. New guilt! Yay!
I hate feeling the way I feel, and I know I need to let go and let things unfold. She is receiving care. The doctors are working to get to the bottom of things. I already have connected with the social worker and home health. I am hoping that the timing is just a coincidence, but I can’t help but feel like we are going to keep living in this state of crisis. I used to be a really happy, optimistic person, but the sadness and resentment are creeping back in.
I don’t know what kind of advice to ask for. I just feel so grateful to have this forum where I can be honest about what I am feeling and hope that there is someone else out there who understands. I wish I could be more loving and gracious, vs the resentful sad person I am becoming, I appreciate everyone for listening. Thank you for being here.