I have been taking care of my mom for about four yrs. now, and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I stopped working about 2yrs ago, I have now gone through all my life savings my bank account is now in the negative, my 401k is gone, I just got my car repoed. I also have lupus and remoutoid arthritis, so my health is no so great. Having said all that I would be OK if she wasn't so mean to me, and run me like I'm her slave, if I don't jump right away she will just scream until I do whatever she wants. She is in her right mind so she know exactly what she's doing. She has lied on me before and told people at the hospital that I hit but she said her medicine made her do it and she doesn't remember, but whenever she gets mad she says she is going to tell people that I'm mean to her. I'm kinda at the end of my rope I feel like I'm loosing my mind. Whenever I say she needs to go somewhere longterm she tells what a horrible person I am, and I only care about myself. I don't want to send her away but I don't know what else to do.
Coping on your own
An elderly narcissist is unlikely to change their behavior. Psychologists agree that NPD is notoriously difficult to treat, even in young, physically healthy people.
Thomas admits that caring for a narcissist isn't easy and is likely to, "challenge one to the core of their being," and offers some strategies to help caregivers cope with narcissistic family members:
1.Do as much as you can to maintain a social life of some sort.
2.Seek professional help from a counselor or psychologist.
3.Set personal limits on how much abuse you are willing to take, and stick to them.
It's also important to remember that a relationship with a narcissist is, effectively, a one-way street. Narcissists are so caught up in themselves that they have a limited ability to love other people.
Truly accepting this reality will help a caregiver to acknowledge their role as a protector and provider for someone who lacks the ability to reciprocate with feelings of love, appreciation, or even tolerance.
Resnick and Thomas both urge caregivers to take responsibility for choosing their personal emotional state. You can't control the narcissist—you can only control yourself.
If your mom goes into long term care and stops eating, that a choice that she as an adult makes. My mil did that after heart surgery. Wouldn't do the rehab. Refused medication for depression. My husband had walked away the year before when she threatened to report him for abuse (he told her that with copd, you really should quit smoking). Her other two sons stepped up to manage her care and got the docs to back off further intervention "because if our mom wants to die, we have to let her die".
Adults make choices.
Your mom can make hers. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated any longer. You said in another post that you were seeking a way to get paid for her care. Don't. That's not a long term career path. She's 59? She could live another 35 years. Think about that.
Have you investigated what long term care is available? Often, Medicaid funds small care homes which are less nh - like and more personal. How much socialization does your mom get in her/your current living situation?
And the next time she screams at you? IMMEDIATELY, stop what you're doing, from all emotion from your face, turn and walk away. Out of the room or out of the house. Wait 5 minutes. Then go back like nothing happened, very sweetly. If she screams again, repeat. In a calm moment, explain to her that her rude behavior is no longer acceptable to you. And mean it.
You deserve better than this. Your mom ought to be thanking her lucky stars that she has such a fine daughter. Shame on her!
Michelle, it is not your fault. You did NOT create your mother's personality.
But that is no reason to encourage it, either. Listen, at the moment I suspect you're feeling so down and so helpless that you probably are really, truly stuck. It's very hard to see a way forward when you're exhausted and depressed, as well as ill. Why don't you give your local social services a call and ask them to come out to review your mother's living arrangements? I've found our ones really helpful; but even if yours can't help you much they might well know organisations local to you that can. Good luck, and keep posting.
Suppose you don't die. Suppose you just get sicker, and more depressed, and less able to cope. What quality of care do you see yourself being able to provide for her? What will happen to both of your standard of living as long as you're trapped in this web of manipulation and can't get your working life back on track?
If you are serious about doing what is best for your mother, then get real. You go down, she goes down. It's that simple.
And I'm sorry for joking with you on your other post. If I'd known what you were going through I wouldn't have. Apologies.
You said she will stop eating and stop taking to you if you move her there... will she also hold her breath until she turns blue? You need to be the grown up here, and you need to do what is best for her and for you.
As for the reason your Mom is mean to you, think about it, she isn't in the best of health, she feels her active life is now gone, and there isn't anything to look forward to.... I would be a bear if I was in that condition, too. I know it's not fair to you. Your Mom needs to be around people of her own generation, and hopefully she can make some new friendships if she is in an assistant living or nursing home. That way it will make you feel better about starting your life over. Hope everything works out for you.
You need to move out unless mom is willing to change. Have those frank conversations with her. Yes you can. You can apply for assistance for you and seek out housing or a roommate situation. Depends on how desperate you are.
But make certain you have your plan and the strength to follow through...if not don't bother...she'll smell your weakness and her expectations will continue.
You can't make mom move out if it is her house. You can't place her in care if she is competent.
Talk to mom or seek out a mediator possibly thru your church or senior services to help you both find a workable solution. Regardless, you need to get moving and find employment eventually with benefits. Don't depend on mom or an inheritance.