My mother is in the final stages of her life in a hospice facility. It's a beautiful place, and the nurses are so caring. My poor mom has been suffering terribly since her stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis a couple of months ago. To make matters worse, she has mid to late stage Alzheimer's and dramatic hearing loss, so she cannot understand what is going on. She can't even understand that she has cancer, but she knows she is constantly sick and exhausted. Her pain is somewhat controlled but she is gripped with nausea every waking moment even though she hasn't eaten in literally weeks and drinks only small sips of water. I'm her only family and it is killing me watching her suffer and slowly waste away like this for what has been nearly 6 weeks. It's like some sort of torture. The nurses don't seem to have any answers. Is there anything that will ease her suffering? Why does this have to happen? It's so unfair.
Be glad she is in a hospice house. They know better than anyone how to minimize suffering. Keep encouraging them to keep your mom more comfortable.
My heart goes out to you both. Do your best, and don't worry about being strong enough -- just keep loving her.
Please talk to the Nurse from Hospice as well.
They can assure you that she is not in pain but if you feel she is this is a concern that they can address. (and if she is in pain that needs to be taken care of)
Express your concerns and how you feel.
It is normal to feel exhausted, drained, helpless, frustrated and any other feeling imaginable.
If your Mom is anything like my Husband was the last several months, sleeping most of the time this is sleep that she needs.
I read a very interesting "pamphlet" that I found on line it was from a Hospice website that I found. The pamphlet is called "Crossing the Creek" and it was interesting reading as it put a different aspect on some things for me.
We are not just a body which can fail and even seem to turn on us, and we are not just a mind which can seemingly or literally let us down too, we are also a spirit and no matter what is happening to our minds or bodies this is still true too.
I believe that many times it is when we can't see that the mind or body is able to comprehend or engage that the spirit is doing a great work in secret. I believe many times, if we look past what we can see with our eyes, we will see the possibility that God is with that person's spirit helping them to do the healing or letting go needed so they can go to eternity in peace. Sometimes we can ask God to give us eyes to see and He will give us peace knowing that even at the very worst times our loved one is not alone within themselves but surrounded by the Spirit and Angels and God is actually doing a very HOLY work out of compassion.
I know this comforts Christians because we are more familiar, hopefully, with the ideas of a human spirit and of the Holy Spirit and the unseen spiritual realm. God be with you and give you both peace. Amen
Carol
God's Speed.
Your mother is deeply blessed to have you and I send you all my prayers that you find the strength to make it through. I have no doubt you are stronger then you realize. It is unfair, you are right. But please remember, you aren't alone and you, and your mom, can make it through this storm and transition. God bless.
This forum does understand and does send you support, a shoulder to cry on, and yes, love.
A year ago, I lost my Mom to dementia (lost swallowing response) and pneumonia. She was hospitalized and then put on hospice. For 2 weeks, my father sat in his wheelchair holding her hand, stroking her hair, and praying. 69 years of marriage.
Nothing could be done. I have a medical education and it was devastating to watch. The hospital nurses put in extra time to help my Mom and my poor Dad.
One afternoon, I returned to the room to see the wife of a friend holding her smart phone up to my Mom's ear. A nurse, she turned to me and said=, "the last thing to go is "music". I am playing Christmas Carols for your Mom."
I melted with gratitude.
She also rearranged the pillows about her head to make her as comfortable as possible every time she visited.
During the day, I combed my Mom's white hair. As a little girl I curled my Mom's black hair - she was so beautiful. I talked to her and thanked her for all her gifts and love. I asked for forgiveness.
I called a pastor of her faith from another town to request a "last communion". She could not partake, but my father could take the wine and cracker for her. The pastor gave a lovely talk and brought out a small box that he had never used. It was a traveling communion set. Everyone in the room then joined hands as he blessed my parents.
And then a dear sister-in-law came to me and told me about the notion of telling my Mom "It is go to let go". She held my hand as I did so - I cry now from the pain of that moment and still hope it helped her.
It was simply exhausting. I went through all the emotions but focused on trying to make all the right decisions - the decisions she would have made if she had been capable.
My thanks to you for letting me write this. I really have not been able to grieve the loss of my Mom because my attention is now on my Dad. He is absolutely lost without her.
Please take care and my heart goes out to you.
"It is OK to let go."
When my wife was dying of advanced Alzheimer's, she began to suffer from severe pain in her hip. She was accepted into a hospice program, and the facility staff, the hospice nurse, and I worked together on her treatment. We could not identify the source of the pain, but we treated it with pain medication, raising the dose until she relaxed and no longer grimaced when she was touched. She also stopped accepting food at this point, and she was peaceful and comfortable until her death two weeks later.
Nausea and agitation can be treated with medication, and they should be! And your mother has the right to refuse food -- the facilty should honor her wishes. You should not have to suffer needlessly, and neither should your mother.