I'm losing my strength to deal with end of life with lung cancer and Alzheimer's. Why does this have to happen?

I cannot add much more than what has already been said.

Your mom would tell you that you are a good daughter and that she loves you so and wished that you would not have to see her in this way.

You need to do something enjoyable so your mind gets some relief from this sadness. Going for a walk, mediate, spending time with young ones could help you remember that there is still joy in living.

It is hard to see a love one suffer.

Why life is this way?
Some say it brings us closer to God.
Yet others question if there is even a God.

I think no one truly know the answer.

It may not seem like it but, your Mother is very blessed because she has you. Do not devalue yourself. From experience I can assure you, it will take every bit of strength you can muster up to get through the painful reality that her body is failing. It will take a lot of prayer and some, but you both find peace. Her peace will come in a better place where her spirit can soar. Your peace will come in living and knowing you did the right thing through it all. You may feel helpless now because you cannot change this. When the pain ends you will both be free. Then you can begin to live again and over time you will find closure and revisiting the happy times will comfort you. It is apparent to me, looking in from the outside to see that you are doing everything you can. No regrets.

My mother died here at home on 19 November from Alzheimers Disease. She weighed almost nothing but she was not uncomfortable. We had hospice for the last year. I cared for her for over 10 years. I would have gappily continued to care for her. People said there would bea sense of relief. There has not been. I miss her. I am bereft. She was sweet and kind and loving. It may be that I will go on. But nothing will ever be the same.

What you're experiencing is not unreasonable under the circumstances. I went through something similar with my mother only hospice care was at home. My mother didn't have Alzheimer's, and she was aware of everything going on. It was horrible. In her last words she said she didn't want to die and couldn't I help her. Bottom line, you will integrate this experience, no matter how horrible, with the rest of your life. Talking about it helps. It took me three years to get back to a sleep pattern among the normal, and a lot of effort to appear normal in my own eyes. What you're going through is traumatic for you. Don't spare the assistance of a spiritual guide, counselor, or anyone who will listen. It does help.

I'm so sorry you both are going through this. It seems so wrong that we must linger in pain and misery when there is no hope. Can you talk to the doctor about giving your mom something for the nausea? There is so much out there to help with that. Hopefully hospice is giving her morphine to ease her pain and emotional stress.
I can empathize with what you are going through. My mother was almost completely deaf, with dementia, then was bedridden with pelvic fractures. It was almost impossible to communicate with her. She couldn't even hear us whisper "its ok to go". We used to use a whiteboard to communicate but with the dementia and morphine, she couldn't comprehend any more. But, just like your mother - she knew we were there, so we held her hand and let her feel out love. That is all you can do. Your mom knows you are there.

It is simply a fact of life. Life is hard, it is harder for some than others We must face the facts that our aging loved ones are coming to the end of our life cycle. I have been in your shoes, I watched a strong woman, my mother die a slow painful death. But from a man's point of view, it was something I knew I would have to deal with. I am lucky to have 5 other siblings in my family, but we all suffered equally, six-times the suffering.
I am now 71 almost 72, I am starting to deal with the issues of aging. My body is breaking down, OA has started it painful progression. I have had two issue with cancer, but it was caught early. Pain and suffering are part of life, we must know it is going to happen. It doesn't make it easy
Deal with it day by day, take breaks from the situation. Let your emotions go. I am sure many of us have dealt with the same issues. Each one of us has a different way of looking at life. I am a realist, I have seen many young people die, too many. That to me is the most horrific tragedy of all. If your loved one has lived a long life, you are blessed.
I almost died at age 46, along way from home. I was lucky I pulled through, You know it's bad when they hospital has called in a priest to stand by you.

I thought in terminal cases a morphine drip was given to help with the pain and ease the patient into a deep sleep...and die peacefully.

Why does this suffering have to happen? We can only guess but your Mom is so blessed to have you by her side however hard it is on you.
Keep talkng to her , tell her every day how much you love her and wish she could stay longer but it is OK to go now you will be just fine. Talk to her about those who have gone before and are waiting for her. If you feel them in the room tell her who is there. Not many people feel these spirits but your Mom will and be comforted by the visits of her loved ones.
If you feel her pain and nausea are not well enough controlled ask the nurses to increase the dose. If you can bear to do this tell them you would prefer her to be unresponsive than in such pain and distress. Unfortunately they can not give her a lethal dose and you personally may be against that but they can use enough to be asleep most of the time. Even if you feel she can't understand you still tell her all the last things you want her to hear. Ask for forgiveness for any wrongs you feel you have done to her and forgive her for anything that has hurt you even if it was accidental.
Is there a scent she likes - lavender can be very comforting. Light a cnadle with the scent if the facility will allow it if not sprinkle a little on her pillow.
May God be with you both and end the suffering very soon. Do not be afraid that you will not be there when she passes as it is often the unspoken wish of the the loved one to cross the bridge on their own because they can sense the presence of others waiting to welcome them home.

Grandma1954's recommendation of that pamphlet is an amazing source of information. There was mention of this before which happened to coincide with my best friend's dad being admitted to hospice. I read the information and as my friend was going through that process and observing his movements/actions, she was quite hard on herself. However, I think I was able to help reassure her that what she thought was going on, was perhaps being misinterpreted. Knowing that my mom will be in that place one day - I am so grateful to have a more enlightened perspective on the process. I feel much more prepared and at peace - because not knowing could be brutal.

Such good advice here. Your mother is lucky in many ways, and a quick passing from this life will be a blessing, really. God Bless. See if you can get some counselling from a chaplain or social worker.

If I was there I would just hug you and let you cry. Then we could have a cup of coffee or tea -wipe our eyes - and hug each other again. You are a gift from heaven for your mother. She knows you are there and that you care - that has to be very comforting to her. It would be for me.
I am glad you are participating in this group. They are people who have been there and done that. Most of our friends, unless they have gone thru this, can not understand. They are not hard-hearted - that just have not experienced it and cannot understand.

Know that you are welcome here and we understand your pain because we are experiencing it ourselves. If you think about it dying is part of life - the final part. Very few people are prepared - certainly not their caretakers if this is the first time they have had to suffer with the daily things that arise.
I myself was absolutely shocked. I was 21 yrs old and my much loved mother-in-law was dying of cancer. She was only 56 and I was appauled at the actions of her children. So I moved in with her and took care of her. She loved me and I loved her. She, in a gentle way, let me know how thankful she was that I was there. I have never forgotten that bonding! I am now taking care of a man that I rode the school bus with - and later became my Junior Prom date. We bonded many years ago due to our life circumstances. A maturity that most children do not experience.
So, please "take heart" and know that mother knows you are there for her. No matter what happens you will have peace with that thought.
As I said before - if I could give you a hug I would!
So, take a deep breath - and know you are doing all you can- know that your mother appreciates that even if she doesn't completely understand. In a way, you are her guardian angel!
Keep in touch,
rosepetal

Have you considered Hospice? The program has a chaplain and staff here at least that are very caring and seem to make it easier for all concerned. Have a Merry Christmas. Christ sent HIS Son for our redemption!! WOW!!

Caring42 Your Post is an exceptionally beautiful Tribute to Your Dear Mom Who is in Heaven now where there is no more pain, or sickness, nor discomfort.
I know Your Por Dad feels totally Lost without the Love of His Life after 69 years of Happily Married Life.....BUT....You and Your Dad were the Great Loves of Your Mom's Life. You should feel very proud of Yourself to have Cared for Your Mom for all those years, and now Your Dear Father. No Daughter could be more Loyal or Loving than You Caring42, and You are Your Parents Greatest Blessing.

To give comfort to your mom at this time is what's most needed. And for you to know that she's in the best place, and you're there for her, should give you some comfort at this terrible time. Short of whisking her away to a state that allows physician assisted death (and at this point in her journey I'd say it's too late for that) you've done all that you can do. Keeping her as comfortable as possible is the best that you can do..that and just being there with her when you can.

And adding to the warm lotion, I would take bath towels and put them in the microwave for 30 sec or so, just enough to warm them, then lay them on my dad's chest and legs then cover him with a blanket. They would help warm him up and they always made him smile. Once he was warmed this way, he would stay warm for quite some time.

While he was dying, he was always cold, though he kept his room at the assisted living at a toasty 85 degrees.

Oh Honey, life as well as other life experiences are not always fair. Perhaps that why they are called experiences?
As sad and tormenting as this experience is - it is how life often ends. It has to end somehow - somewhere - sometime for everyone, you included. I can hear and feel your pain. It is the pain of reality when you are loosing someone very dear to you. I am sure you have done everything you could to make this transition as comfortable for her. Now look for the same comfort in that for yourself. Death is an end stage of life - for all of us. It is how we stop living when our body cannot function anymore. No matter the circumstances involved.

I lost my father from a kidney disease when he was 32 yrs old and I was 8. That was in war years and the medicine they have now were not available to him at that time. I often talked to him in my private moments in the days of upheaval in my life after his death. In fact I often privately have conversations with him now in my mind - I am now 78 yrs old. I was 8 when he died. He was my hero and life for me; changed drastically after he died He remained my hero and silent confident - he was (and is) always in my heart.
When he died I was a child and had no way to help and the good meaning actions of my mother and his family decided to protect me by not letting me (and my 4 yr old sister) to take any part in the process or the ceremony of a burial etc.. That did not protect us but left us abandoned and not able to take part in the ritual of services for the family of the deceased. That left me at 8 yrs old with nothing to hang on to - the family thought they were protecting us but we needed the ritual that is acceptable in our society for death of a treasured loved one. We were sent to be babysat across from the church and had no part in the funeral or burial services but watched from a strangers' porch across the street.
That only increased my loss but perhaps it was best for my 4 year old sister who had no real relationship with our father. It angered me at 8yrs old.
But life requires us to adjust and carry on best we carry on. Actually we have no choice there but to accept reality and adjust and make the best life we can.
I did that and am proud of the family I had and often just sent a prayer up to tell him how proud he would have been of his grandchildren. So I still have maintained a imaginary relationship with him and I although I know that is not reality - enjoy having that very personal relationship. It is a hug to the little girl still in a part of my heart and brain. My experience occurred just at the end of WWII. There are many support groups now that know how to help people in your situation. Try going to one of them - if that is not your thing - try another because you are not alone in your situation. Someone, somewhere, is going thru (or has gone thru) the same thing you are now. If it helps not going thru this alone it may be the right thing for you. If not, keep looking for answers to help you cope with the pain you are suffering. You are not the first or will be the last person that will go thru this journey. I wish you peace and am hopeful that you will find a way to heal and return to a life of happiness. I am sure your loved one would have wished the same for you.

Are they giving her something for the nausea? If ur Mom is not eating or drinking she may pass soon. As said before, her body is shutting down. TG she is in a facility. Home hospice, where I live, is not an all day thing. A nurse only comes a few times a week. The aide maybe a couple of hours a day and that doesn't include weekends. The family has to be there the rest of the time. Prayers for you.

Someone told me the same thing about my Mom being worried about me after she passed. I didn't see it, but my friend said that my Mom seemed concerned. She suggested that I talk to my Mom and tell her that I would be alright. We had a wonderful chat late that night about everything, including me being okay if it were time for her to go. She passed away the following afternoon from heart failure. I was so glad I had that conversation.

I disagree with all the other answers here. I would comment on two things: First, your mother is in the dying process, and if the hospice program allows her to suffer to this extent, they are not doing their job, which is to keep her comfortable at the end of life. Second, it is hard to believe that she could survive without eating for six weeks.

When my wife was dying of advanced Alzheimer's, she began to suffer from severe pain in her hip. She was accepted into a hospice program, and the facility staff, the hospice nurse, and I worked together on her treatment. We could not identify the source of the pain, but we treated it with pain medication, raising the dose until she relaxed and no longer grimaced when she was touched. She also stopped accepting food at this point, and she was peaceful and comfortable until her death two weeks later.

Nausea and agitation can be treated with medication, and they should be! And your mother has the right to refuse food -- the facilty should honor her wishes. You should not have to suffer needlessly, and neither should your mother.

I'm so sorry you have to watch your Mother suffer like this. I hope she passes peacefully soon.

Sorry... I was crying ---- the phrase is
"It is OK to let go."

Dear One,
This forum does understand and does send you support, a shoulder to cry on, and yes, love.

A year ago, I lost my Mom to dementia (lost swallowing response) and pneumonia. She was hospitalized and then put on hospice. For 2 weeks, my father sat in his wheelchair holding her hand, stroking her hair, and praying. 69 years of marriage.

Nothing could be done. I have a medical education and it was devastating to watch. The hospital nurses put in extra time to help my Mom and my poor Dad.

One afternoon, I returned to the room to see the wife of a friend holding her smart phone up to my Mom's ear. A nurse, she turned to me and said=, "the last thing to go is "music". I am playing Christmas Carols for your Mom."

I melted with gratitude.

She also rearranged the pillows about her head to make her as comfortable as possible every time she visited.


During the day, I combed my Mom's white hair. As a little girl I curled my Mom's black hair - she was so beautiful. I talked to her and thanked her for all her gifts and love. I asked for forgiveness.

I called a pastor of her faith from another town to request a "last communion". She could not partake, but my father could take the wine and cracker for her. The pastor gave a lovely talk and brought out a small box that he had never used. It was a traveling communion set. Everyone in the room then joined hands as he blessed my parents.

And then a dear sister-in-law came to me and told me about the notion of telling my Mom "It is go to let go". She held my hand as I did so - I cry now from the pain of that moment and still hope it helped her.

It was simply exhausting. I went through all the emotions but focused on trying to make all the right decisions - the decisions she would have made if she had been capable.

My thanks to you for letting me write this. I really have not been able to grieve the loss of my Mom because my attention is now on my Dad. He is absolutely lost without her.

Please take care and my heart goes out to you.

watching my mother slowly withering away with dementia...was killing me too!!! but, once the nurse told me she was dying, i asked the nurse to give her MAX morphine!! im soooooo sorry for her pain and yours!!! it is the worst!!!

Sumiller, My Heart breaks for You and Your darling Mom. I know You and Your Mom are very close, and this is why You are loosing Your strength seeing Your Mom suffer like this. Hospice are giving Your Mom the very best Care, so all You can do is hug Your Mom, hold Her hand and tell Your Mom You Love Her and to say thank You Mother for all You did for Me. Though Your Mother may not be able to respond to You, She will hear You and knows You Love Her. If Your Mom is a Lady of strong Faith, Pray with Her. Be strong, and I know it's not easy but when You are with Mom, always wear Your happy Face. If Mom sees You are happy She will feel happy too.

So sorry you're going through this, there is nothing fair about it. Peace and prayers

Please keep talking and venting and getting this out. It's just so gut wrenching what you are dealing with and I am just so sorry for you and your mother. One thing I've discovered and I seriously pray you take this how I mean it but this is always really the worst part. My dad is doing okay but I often want him just to be free. No more suffering, no more pain. This is the price of love that we all go through.

Your mother is deeply blessed to have you and I send you all my prayers that you find the strength to make it through. I have no doubt you are stronger then you realize. It is unfair, you are right. But please remember, you aren't alone and you, and your mom, can make it through this storm and transition. God bless.

My Mom was 95 and passed in August. I was her caregiver at home with Hospice coming in twice a week. Towards the end my Mom stopped eating as well and was in a lot of pain. If your Mom is not on Morphine now sounds like the time to start it. My Mom was here for about a week once it started. It let her sleep comfortably and pass without much pain. Say your goodbyes, tell her it's o.k. to go and ask the Hospice to give her Morphine.

A soft stuffed dog, small to fit in her hands, will allow her to pet it over and over, since repetitive motion is often soothing to the Alzheimers patient who is otherwise lost in their environment. With love and heartbreak for you, Kath

The one thing Alzheimers patients do not lose is music memory. I know because my father had Alzheimers and I play piano. If you bring in a small CD player and locate some songs that go back in time (Rock of Ages, I'll take the high road, all sorts of things), it will also be very pleasant for her and she might sing the words if she can.

This may or maybe not help you and your Mom, but I found it wonderful with my husband, whom I lost September 10th to metastatic cancer. If you can warm a lotion, and spend time gently massaging lotion on arms, hands and fingers, feet, calves, and slowly repeat, it is so relaxing to the patient, and lets you be close. Lack of human touch is so sad, and if you can be close and provide comfort and care, you will have the loving actions to look back on. Cold lotion is met with rejection, but if you can warm it first, it does feel so good to them. As often as you want.....it causes no harm, just warmth, love and caring touch.