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This is a situation that has worried me about my mom. My grandmother always tells my mom she doesn't want to go into a nursing home. She won't even consider the option of my mom's brother and his wife taking her (his older kids have indicated it is depressing) and I think she feels her DIL won't be too welcoming and I feel she stays with my mom when honestly she could go back home to her husband (has arthritis but could help) and give mom a break.
My mom lets her play with her emotions and has problems with anemia and is severally visually impaired and has some back and renal problems. When mom started helping my grandmother, she was not this sick but she is getting older and this has been going on off and on for years. My grandmother does have signficant health problems and has to recover after sugeries but I feel she should also see the shape my mom is in.
My mom was a stay at home mom and dad works, so she doesn't have a job to worry about (outside the home -- to be honest, she would probably work less if she had a job). I just feel she is emotionally, physically and mentally drained and I don't think anyone else in the family really gives a da&*.
I feel that my grandparents are shelfish and as long as their needs are met, then so be it.
I just cannot see how any parent who claims to have an ounce of love for a child can demand they never be put in a nursing home and insist on 24/7 care from ANY child, no longer one that is not in good health. It is NOT like taking care of a baby (yes, I have had said to me that she changed my mom's diapers when mom was 2 and fed her so mom OWES her). There is a huge difference in caregiving for an elderly person than a baby.
My mom needs to keep a happy face because if she is not chipper, grandmother gets ticked feeling she is being treated "injustly."
I have voiced my concern/opinion and needless to say I get nowhere or my mom gets defensive and mad at me saying, "I won't change a thing."
I just don't see how this is love. I hope to heavens, I never "love" my child this way.

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All I can say is learn from this experience and I know you are. Nothing will change as long as your Mom continues to tolerate the situation. I don't think we, the children of this aging population, that medical advancements allow them and us to live so long, owe anyone just because they took care of us as children. I've read this many times before on this site and it's just a big guilt trip they throw on us. I know I will NEVER do my children what my parents have done to me in terms of being responsible for them 24/7.It's constant and exhausting. My Dad is now in a nursing home because he fell so many times. I refused to let him go back and live with my Mom who at the time had just had hip surgery. He needed 24 hour care and an 85 year old wife wasn't going to be able to help him. He would have pulled her down too, the next time he fell. I didn't fall for the guilt trip. And I won't when it's her turn to need more help. Sorry, I've given so much at this point, I can do no more. I wanted my life back, and slowly it's coming around. My Mom understands the situation. I wish your Mom could be strong.

Maybe you could start to do the homework for her and go visit some nursing homes in the area and leave the brochures on the kitchen table or counter. Just an idea honey. Stay strong!
xo

-SS
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Perhaps your mom's defensive attitude stems from fears that her child will not be there for her, when she needs it.

SS has a great idea about doing the homework for your mom. Personally, I have no physical or emotional strength left to even think about anything other than caring for my husband. My step-daughter did the legwork and found the support services in our area for homecare and respite and for that I am grateful.

Instead of being part of the problem, be part of the solution. It is obvious you love and care for your mother greatly. Being there to support her mentally and physically is the best thing you can do right now.

huggggz,
BD
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Sweetheart, you tell of all the pressures on your Mom, but not how you are helping her. Your Mom isn't going to change, nor is your Grandmother. You need to take care of the caregiver. I am talking solid time off, you take care of grandmom. You do the laundry. You clean the house. You will be amazed at how relief from the 24/7 grind will allow your Mom to step back and evaluate her situation. Now that is love.
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ooohhh...sorry, Kathy1, I disagree with that advise. While sounds good in theory, giving the Mom a break, Bumblebee might end up sucked up into this cycle of caregiving and it perpetuates into another generation. Think about that one.
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My mom died 8 yrs. ago...My dad is 87 & lives at home alone. Will not let outsiders come in, it is me, my husband, & children giving, giving, & giving...I burnt out 4 yrs. after my mom died & by all the health issues my dad has had, he shouldn't even be here. Cigars, coffee, 5'10" walking skeleton, hardly eats anything, no bath for over a year, has accidents & has fallen, but won't tell us & in all honesty, I don't know how he keeps going. He want's from all of us every day & I really don't think he think's it's a burden. I promised I would not put him in a home & I won't. It is a matter of time before he falls & can't get up & my fear & my families fear is that we are going to walk in one day & find him down. He is so frail, but will not give up. I pray the Lord will take him soon. My family is the one suffering and it's hard to watch & wonder.
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ooohh Selfish sibling, Is life only about you and your needs? The cycle of caregiving is an expression of one's deepest love. It is giving of oneself to help another. To set boundaries is the hard part. Remember you reap what you sow.
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Tit for Tat, Kathy1. My kids see everything I am doing for my parents. I'll definitely will reap what I sow.They are learning more than they know. But I would never have them do for me the way my parents have dumped everything on me. Never.
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Bumblebee, right on! What you're seeing is not called love, it's called selfish. It also is more than likely the way things have always been with your grandmother and your mother. You don't like what you see so I'm sure you don't have any plans to repeat this nightmare when caring for your mother. If reaping what you sow applies to everybody then your grandmother is first in line to "pay" for what she is doing to your mother and the poor example she is showing to her family.
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Love is not about doing things that make you physically or emotionally ill. We all test our limits with out needy parents. I am doing my very best at helping, taking on responsibilities and setting boundaries. Today, the stress became overwhelming. Now I know it's time to step back. Do the best you can. Seek outside advice like this and from qualified doctors and similar. Best to you, Jill
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I read some of these replies to my mother whom lives with me and my dad whom lives two doors down from me. Both are 75. Mom's comment was,"But you didn't decide to have us, like we chose to have you as a child". Prophetic, huh? Dad has moderate A/D, requires daily care, is feeble, 6'3", skin and bones, doesn't bathe often but he does clean up. Mom is sharp as a tack, Dad can't remember what happened yesterday. They've been divorced 43 years. Before too long I will be taking care of both of them. Mom says she's prepared for a rest home, Dad, definitely not. We share meals together, I give dad his daily meds, and the conversation and visitation are what keeps him alive. Mom, myself, and my 12-year old son have faith and I can't quantify the level of strength this adds to our/my situation. When it seems unbearable hit your knees, pray, and ask for help. It works. All you have to do is ask. Will rest homes become part of our/their lives? Probably so and we'll each deal with it as we need to. Keeping care of yourself as a caregiver isn't a "me me" selfish thing to as was implied above. It's the responsible thing to do for you AND your loved one. Your (or your mom's) physical, mental, and spiritual health is of equal importance as the loved one you care for. Period. May you all find peace and strength in your situations.
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kathyt1,
I think that platitudes that may fit some situations, but certainly not all of them.
Also, I think that the tone of your original response to Bumblebee and of your later response to SelfishSiblings is out of keeping with the encouraging, supportive spirit of this forum.
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Fitzgerald, Thank you. :) We are so lucky this site offers all of us a place to talk, think and vent. My own personal situation is ugly and nasty with dementia, demanding, self medicating, narcissistic parents, they spent all their money so I spend a ton of time setting up resources for them and with no sibling support. It's a lot to juggle that alone, never mind raising your own family, teenagers, loss of a job, and trying to retain some assemblance of self. I'm not complaining, just Explaining. I am doing so much better, after four years, partly because of the support I receive here. My virtual family... I love you all! No ONE situation is the same, Kathy1, so maybe you consider not judging people as much and open your mind. You know, walk in my shoes thing.... I've read of your other posts and I think you have a good soul, maybe, you're just having a bad day....I hope it gets better!!

xo
-SS
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I went back and re-read the original post because after reading Kathy11's post, I was certain that I must have missed something since she suggested Bumblebee take over all caregiving, housekeeping, etc. to give her mom a break. Wow. Just wow. She is living in this mess 24/7 too and never indicated in her post that she wasn't already helping out.
Okay, after reading the original post again here is my suggestion: you indicated your grandmother has other family (you mentioned an uncle, his wife, older cousins). You also mentioned "grandparents" so I am assuming your grandfather is still alive. I'm going to be the first poster to go out on a limb here and suggest these other family members get off their butt and give your mom AND you both a break. It is not just your grandparents who are shelfish but your entire dang extended family!
So before you end up caregiving for two people (your grandmother and your mom when she collapses under the stress), start playing hardball with these "family" members. Consider what your health is going to be like if this continues. Will it make people upset and mad? You bet. Will you be any worse off than you are now? Probably not. Also, if grandmother sees that one child is willing to take her in and the other one is not - that may open her eyes to an entirely new world she has evidently chosen to ignore. Good luck.
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Selfish, I think caregiving should be multi generational. That's the way it has been throughout history. There does come a time when a NH is best, but it doesn't sound like it's needed in this case. If mom is still willing to care for her mom, then daughter SHOULD be willing to step in from time to time to help support grandma and mom by giving mom a break. Multi generational caregiving might even teach some valuable lessons to the young, better preparing them for the future when they might be primary caregivers, or the one receiving the care.
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I want to thank eveyone for responses. I AM helping. I have already taken a leave from my job. The only other thing I can do now is drop out of college. I am already walking around campus like a zombie because I am worn out. I even broke down and cried in the middle of class because I wasn't prepared. I help with laundry, I help with the sitting and getting up and going to the hospitals for all the visits. I do course work in the caferteria, the chapel, the waiting rooms. I'm on my 2nd ulcer.
I guess if I had been born a man, none of this would be expected. My grandmother has another child, my uncle. My aunt does not work outside the home. My older cousins find it all too depressing and so they can spend their days with their friends, playing basketball, or anything else they desire to do besides help. My grandfather is useless in any kind of crises. Has been his entire life.
So, guess this is my duty because I was born. I could have had a chld almost raised in the length of time that this has been going on.
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My mom says the same thing to me about her changing my diaper when I was a baby. Now the tables are turned. I have been her caregiver for nearly 9 years and I am drained. I don't know how I am still alive. I'm 120 pounds overweight because I can't get away from her and live my own life. I don't want her to die in a nursing home. In fact, I've rescued her from 2 nursing homes. I fee a duty and responsibility to care for her but I can't get away. If I leave to play BINGO, she wants me to call her every hour to let her know I'm OK. She's a worry wort if I leave the house without her because she's scared that I'll get hurt and she'll be alone. My family doesn't help so I am in this alone. The only thing that has saved my sanity lately is attending classes but I will graduate in May and that will end. I'll be 60 years old then and really don't expect to find a decent job so I might be stuck caregiving.
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Bumblebee...I commend you for helping, but remember, your mom is choosing her role as caregiver. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Help does not mean take over. A few loads of laundry a week, a few hours of spelling your mom and sitting with grandma on the weekends or an evening during the week. That's helping. You need to concentrate first on yourself, your schooling and having some fun. Most young people can spare 8 hours or so spread through the week to help with care giving, but should never be expected to have to give more.

I've also never bought the I took care of you when you were a baby guilt trip laid on the children by elderly parents. That was their choice to have a baby and most were young and very fit when they were doing it. If the caregiver gives by choice, then great... if they are being guilted into giving care beyond what would be reasonably expected simply by virtue of being the patients child, then it's just plain exploitation on the part of the elderly parent (whether on purpose or because of dementia or ALZ) and they should step back and reevaluate a different course (maybe in home health care assistance, assisted living, or, as a last resort, NH).

As for family members who refuse to help when they are perfectly able, I'd send them a letter from your heart and explain the situation (it's often easier to say things in a letter you'd not say in person) and how you feel about their lack of help. Could be they do know know what the burden really is. Then, if there is no change, you have to wash your hands of them and do what you have to do. Hopefully they will get their reward when they are seniors by the way they are treated by their children, since the way they treated their parents is the example they have to go by.
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Read this post and I have a similiar situation w/my Mother. There are no family members willing to help me out here and the toll it is taking on me physically and emotionally is terrible for the past 9 1/2 months I have moved in to manage things here. I virtually have no life and never would I have thought this would happen. My Mother has always been selfish and very demanding and her Alz. condition makes it 1000x worse. If you have relatives do whatever it takes to have them assist and give your Mom a break as well as yourself! Please try!!! God bless.
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Goodness, this is a tough one. I would look for a third party mediator here. I was a sickly child who could never really stand on his own two feet, so I took it upon myself to administer 24/7 care with my Beloved Connie.

They didn't ask for it, but it was strictly taboo any sort of nursing home.

There is respite care through your local council on aging.

Vitas was especially helpful in bringing in mediation with other vocal extended family members who were not willing to pitch in.

A trained counselor would be my suggestion to objectively find where everyone's motivation is.

-- Burt B.
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Bumblebee: You won't change your mother, she feels an obligation that she is trying to fulfill. Love your Mom and tell her how much you appreciate her, but you need to be in there helping your Mom every day.... not for grandmas sake, but for your Mom's.
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"oohh Selfish sibling, Is life only about you and your needs? The cycle of caregiving is an expression of one's deepest love. It is giving of oneself to help another. To set boundaries is the hard part. Remember you reap what you sow''

Kathy11, I wonder if you have any experience with the road that SelfishS is traveling right now? Yes, you do reap what you sow, and she will reap much credit for what she is doing. That was a pretty harsh comment you made. You have to be in her shoes to know what it's like. Mine is easy compared to hers.
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Thanks, garza. :) If anyone is familiar with the "Grossed Out" thread, we just don't tolerate the high and mighty. Not welcome here.

Have a good day, everyone. Bumblebee, how are u doing? !!!

xo
-SS
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Bumblebee,
Just remember that you will have to support yourself for the next 70 to 90 years. If you are on a path to get an education, and to be able to support yourself and contribute to your mother, that may be the best way for you to spend MOST of your time. If you give school up, you may end up in Romney's 47%. There is no monetary value to the gold star you get for caregiving.

I know, money isn't everything, but I hate to see a young person trapped into relative or absolute poverty. Poverty is a bad thing. Good stuff can exist in poverty, but it has to try a whole lot harder.

Honestly, I squirm every time I hear of a person under 60 who quits "her" job to care for a parent or grandparent. Someone who is 40 and who doesn't "work" for 3 to 15 years will not be able to get a good job.

People should do what they want to do, and follow their conscience. But this capitalist country will not value or reward your sacrifice. In some cases, the loved one may be better off in a facility supported by an employed person with resources.

Look to your own future, but do give Mom what help you can.
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I have taken care of all of my parents needs for the last three years. I cleaned out a home that had 55 years of junk in every corner. Got the house sold, moved them into my home and take care of everything for them. It appears that my parents feel at this age, that their needs and heath issues come before any other concerns. I have read a lot on this site the last three years and I know this, I will never ask my son and daughter-in-law to take total responsibility for me. My parents are demanding and demeaning - I hate that the relationship that we have is now one of resentment and anger. I certainly wanted the last years we had together to be filled with love and joy. The memories that their grandson, great grand children and I will have of their last years won't be pleasant ones
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My children and my husband kept on at me for the last 2 years to put my Mum in a home (she is 92 today); they saw how looking after my mother 24/7 was affecting my health both physically and emotionally and I had no life of my own. I just couldn't take that step and continued until one day after a particularly stressful morning with my mother I suddenly had a n unbearable ache in my neck and shoulders. I realised at that point that I was putting my health at serious risk by continuing the struggle to keep my mother at home. I immediately arranged for some respite, but during the whole two weeks my mother was in the Care Home I was sick and spent the whole time in bed. The day I collected my Mum from the Care Home the whole saga started again and I realised I could not go on and I began the process to place her permanently in a home. She has been in the Care Home for one month, and as much as it saddens me to have put her there, I must say that I feel much better; I feel freer and am less stressed - I have my life back. My mother constantly asks to come back home, and whilst I often feel bad about this, I know the Care Home is the best place for her and for me. My answer to the question is that your Mum has to make this decision on her own - until she is ready, she will not be able to do it. She may need help to see how this situation is affecting her health and wellbeing; I would suggest her doctor may be able to help. Also, if she can join a support group this will help her to communicate with others in her situation and receive advice of others going thru' a similar experience. I send all good wishes and hugs to your Mum.
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I am currently working on getting mom in a nursing home. She wouldn't be so hard to take care of but for her whacked up personality quirks. I might have 20 to 30 years left of my life . I need to improve my health and state of mind so that I will be healthy when I hit my 70s and 80s. I wouldn't mind my daughter taking care of me short term say after I had an illness and would recover but I don't want to suck the life out of her by using her up 24/7 . She deserves to have a life of her own.
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Dementia is bigger than anyone and anything.. I lost my father eight short months ago who was a 24/7 caregiver to my mother. I took over his job working fulltime with a teenage son.. Within four months I was so over whelmed I was always angry,, I didn't care about my attitude at work.. (thank goodness I am close to my coworkers who have forgiven me) You have to take care of you, it sounds like your mom is too busy caring for her mother to worry about herself.. I have been there,, you don't even realize its happening.. My mother has been in a nursing home for the last month for good this time and I am truly ok with it.. 24/7 care is skilled nursing in my book.. Getting up in the middle of the night to change soiled sheets when you have to get up for work the next day is better left to skilled nursing.. Sure we may have done it with our kids but that was few and far between them being sick.. Its not the same as 24/7 dementia patient.. I don't give a dam that my mother had to care for me as a baby,, I didn't ask to be born. I shouldn't have to give up my well being or health for paybacks.. I'm sorry guys,, I'm bitter I guess so tired of the narcissistic traits of my mother I love her but I don't like the way she is going out of this world,, she has always been narcissistic but its way worse now. I am going to force myself to go visit her tomorrow and I don't want to I am tired of all her nasty self serving messages cussing and calling my names on the voice mail only to hear her say thank you dear to the aid in the same message.. I did so much for her and she is not even aware,, so why the hell kill yourself is my new attitude.. Hopefully your mom will put her in a home,, its not over then I am still not recovered and depressed.. Im sorry to step on your post dear,, I just needed to vent.. Good luck and best wishes,,, don't drop out of college that is important, your life is just beginning,, your grandmother is on her way out.. Not to sound insensitive..
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Ps,, my brother who never was any part of her care or even calling her for that matter since my dad died.. Came into town this weekend and went to the nursing home and she told him at least he visits her,, and was sweet as pie, talking all kinds of bad about my sister and I whom she nearly killed the last few months.. he got more respect than anyone.. I realize she has dementia but sometimes that doesn't make it right.. My comment to Kathy1,, why even resource a caregiving site, if you are so at peace with caregiving??? Piece of cake right? You pretty much indirectly told her she was being selfish,, and should suck it up.. REalllllly!!!!!
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Sylvia - you vent away! I hope you feel better.I have one of those brothers too!!! My brother hadn't been here for 2.5 years, shows up, and my mother is all over him, saying how tired he must be from traveling (like he flew the plane or something), and how hard he works! (I think I just puked a little....), telling me I should be nice to him! Give me a break! They are the guest when they come, and we are the slaves.

And as for Kathy1 and her righteous comments, not someone we even need to acknowledge here. Not worth the keystrokes.

Have a good day, everyone! Bumblebee, how r u doing???

xo
-SS
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Our parents choose to have us, we had no say in the matter. They were obligated to care for us. That does not give them the right to ruin our lives. We have a duty to see that they are properly cared for and to help financially if appropriate NOT if they squander their income and expect us to provide the necessities. Caring for an ailing spouse is very different we promised to do that in sickness and health. I am very blessed in that one of my children is financially secure enough to be able to help us if needed. Neither of us was called to care for our parents which was another blessing. That fell to our wonderful sister in law who tool on the burden of supervision which she did with grace and forebearence but always said they would not live with her
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