It is now at the point where my mom needs to come live with us. She needs help managing medications, hygiene , nutrition, etc. We will gladly take her in, though I have a major concern.
She is very, very negative. Pretty much doesn’t like anyone and her new target is my husband. She says he gives her dirty looks when no one is looking and is sarcastic, etc. She has never really cared for him, though she knows he is a wonderful husband and father. The Alzheimer’s has made her feelings worse. She has told off many people in her family already (we have just a handful of people now) and I’m afraid he is next. She and I had a big talk about it, but it’s still an issue. I don’t know if she forgot the conversation or is still just on a mission.
Her sister passed away from dementia a few years ago and almost ruined the marriage between her son and daughter in law. I don’t want that and I can’t handle the stress of constantly defending. My husband has geared himself up for interacting with her and is trying to remind himself that she isn’t in her right mind. When she is low, then it gets very very bad.
I feel sick. I almost wonder if I should just move in with her and care for her in her own home (which is a hoarder home). She always worries that she’s a burden, but the only time she is, is when she’s I cooperative and mean. Other than that, I will gladly help clean and feed her and spend time with her.
I dont want this to be a be a burden for my husband and kids....though they are very kind and would help.
She doesnt want to come here...1) it’s not her home 2) overwhelming to try to find things to pack (though I would help) 3) doesn’t like my husband and 4) can’t handle leaving the house and car rides.
On top of it..she lives with my sister who is quite ill and can no longer care for her. I never imagined this being such a mess.
Moving them when they are completely gone is cruel.
My Mom is in Memory Care, she has adjusted, though it takes time..I could not give her the 24/7 nursing care she needed..
Pls seek MC asap..Sending prayers to a fellow caregiver & Sandwich generation Mom🙏🏻❤️
Maybe im still not understanding the stages of Alzheimer’s. She knows who we are. Other behaviors are odd, but she’s still quite aware. I just can’t imagine leaving her in a home while she still knows what’s going on. That would be like leaving one of my children. Ugh.
Im open to Al or whatever...just not yet.
Yes, she raised you and deserves your honor and support, but I'm guessing she also raised you to have discernment and to know your limits. Your gut is already telling you that this is a bad idea, not just for your family, but for your own health--you're already feeling sick!
Find her a place that meets her needs--she won't be happy there, but it sounds like she won't be happy anywhere. There is no need for your entire family to share in her confusion and misery, because that is what will happen to your family--everyone will be miserable and your kids will flounder in confusion. I've been one of those kids. It will permanently affect them at a time when they are building their own lives--I'm sure your mom would object to the situation if it was someone else taking over their lives.
You have some grave misgivings--do the right thing for your family, no matter how hard it is. You are already honoring your mother even by considering doing this. Judging from your deep love for her, I'm guessing that she would want you to be there for her grandchildren.
Years ago, I read about a group of real life "Golden Girls" and have, at times, suggested it on this forum but have never gotten any feedback about it. Many seniors own huge houses, are empty nesters, can share expenses, and be around other seniors. How is that not a win-win?
Look at communities from the perspective of what your mother needs and can afford. You may need to expand your search radius to find the right place for your mother. My sister-in-law placed her dad into AL that was a 3-hour drive away. My SIL lives in San Fran and places for her dad were unaffordable. She visits her dad once a month. She drives up on a Friday, visits with him on Saturday, and drives home Saturday night after dinner. She calls him regularly and emails with the director to keep herself in the loop. She brings a plate of cookies for the staff when she visits and brings her dad his favorite candy. This arrangement works well and it's manageable.
Skilled care is actually beneficial in keeping dementia patients healthier for longer . So no one will benefit from you caring for her, not you, not her and not your family.
I dont think my mom qualifies for any official care. Guess I need to look into it
Everyone here has given you the best advice and if you don’t heed it, you will regret it. They don’t get better, they get worse. Those rose colored glasses need to come off. Think with your head and not your heart. Even with her in a facility it won’t be a cake walk. I hope you choose what’s best for her and best for your husband and marriage. And by the way, she won’t like whatever you choose so get used to that. It’s a sad sad disease.
Your mother will get worse, not better. If you are already finding her behaviours difficult to soak up, how in the name of heaven are you going to feel when she is in your and your husband's faces twenty four hours a day and you're both short of sleep and sick to the back teeth of cleaning up after her?
Do not move her in, and do not move in with her. You are married, and apparently to a very nice man who is prepared to do his level best to support you, so not one you want to lose *or* *hurt*.
It is not your fault that your mother needs the level of care that she does, and it is not your responsibility to supply that care in person.
There is also your sister to consider, and given your mother's state of health and the complication of her own caregiving role you are going to need professional advice to work out a care plan that looks after both of them. Have you consulted anyone about doing this? - social workers, elder care planners, your mother's and/or sister's health care team?
The hard thing is, she’s in fairly decent health physically...she just can’t seem to manage medicine, nutrition and hygiene...and when the meds and nutrition is out of whack, then she feels awful physically and becomes very depressed. Just don’t know if it’s at the AL level yet.
Everyone else said all of the important stuff! Best wishes to you whatever you decide.
It sounds as though you haven’t seen a good quality Assisted Living facility. You say “she is not quite there yet”. Are you thinking that being ‘there’ means sitting immobile in an old fashioned nursing home, without recognising anyone? We have had carers here who are quite jealous of AL conditions – nice food, lots of activities, a range of people to talk to, organised excursions etc etc.
Before you and your husband commit yourselves, have a look at ALs close to you. Pick the best two, and take your mother to visit. You may find that you can give her a choice that is better than living with you and your husband, for her as well as for you.
With luck, your sister’s health will also improve without the strains of living with her.
I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care Assisted Living community here in town, not where my mother lives. This places charges $8300 A month and is at full capacity. For good reason. Taking a loved one with dementia into your home is not manageable for 95% of us.
Best of luck
"...We will gladly take her in, though I have a major concern. She is very, very negative." In my opinion it is difficult if not impossible to maintain healthy relationships once you are living together with someone who is so negative. Trust me when I say my FIL may give your mother a run for her money in the negativity department and I feel sick whenever I have to spend more than a couple of hours with him. I leave feeling depressed and run over by a dump truck's worth of negativity.
Moving her into your home is not the answer and neither is leaving your husband and children to move in with her. Get her important papers in order (living will, will, durable power of attorney), sit down with her finances, figure out what she can afford, enlist a social worker, make a plan to tour senior care communities, pick one, and execute her moving into it. You cannot do this yourself and it's unfair to everyone else to be thrust into caregiving.
You have established the fact that she is not currently happy. “Hoarders” are not happy people. Hoarders with dementia are less happy.
She will not be “happy” at home, nor will she be happy in yours.
Said in the most most gentle way possible, her dementia will not get better, and WILL get worse, and that will exacerbate all of the other symptoms she is exhibiting. Her behavior towards your husband will escalate, and/or she will involve one or more of your children in her paranoid outbursts, and/or she will attempt to disengage you from interactions with him in order to have you more involved in hers........
I thought I was hastening my mother’s demise when I tricked her into a nursing home at the age of 89. She lived there AND TRULY LIVED, for 5 1/2 of the happiest of any of her life following my father’s death.
Find the nicest residence available for her within a 10-15 minute drive of your home, and place her, but BEFORE YOU DO, read what you’ve written here, and answer this question- how many “concerns” do you REALLY have??
This is reassuring. Thank you!!