What is wrong with dying? I am not so sure that extending life to the point of wringing every last drop of breath out of life is the right thing to do.
That is, Unless one has unlimited financial resources to buy professional care 24/7. We should not have to put a price on elder care but for most people, the child or children end up bearing the work.
Are we sure we want to continue extending life when life is a body and no memory? Or a good mind but nothing but pain for the body?
I read these stories about all the caregivers doing their best to care for their parents at the cost of their own lives & it is so sad. Been there, done that.
I guess this will not be an issue in the future with Obamacare. Apparently an ambulance will take elderly / frail people directly to the funeral home. Lol! Trying to joke there!!!
I am NOT talking about assisted suicide. I am saying if an older person has no realistic future of living life on their own, what is wrong with stopping life-extending medications?
My great-grandfather lived with my grandma and my grandma told my mom that she would never put my mom in that position. Of course then my mom ended up caring for my grandmother (I helped some but I was young) and my mother vowed that I would never be put in that position. We all know what happened. I cared for my mom briefly before she died but moved my dad in with me for over 5 years until he went to a NH.
I've told my 20 year old daughter that if I ever get diagnosed with Alzheimer's I will commit suicide 1 year after the diagnosis. That will give me time to get my affairs (such as they are) in order and to say goodbye to people before I am unable to make any decisions on my own. However, what if I were felled by a stroke? Heart attack? Congestive heart failure? I am all alone. I have a brother who has his own family to care for. I have no contingency plan if I were to have a stroke or become physical disabled for any other reason. But I've told and told and told my daughter that she should never ever feel guilty for putting me in a nursing home, that I will not have her give up her life to care for me. She saw what I went through with my mom and dad but she doesn't take me seriously (after all, she's only 20). And I keep thinking I need to put all of this on paper but I put it off......But it's always in the back of my mind.
Everislash----get a call button and wear it,I think anyone alone, any age, should have one. These days you can even get video monitoring of your home if you wanted.We cant live life worried about death, as much as I also worry, we have to just "try" to live, love and laugh!
If something goes wrong with me and my quality of life is going to be in the toilet, the docs best leave me alone. This whole 'preserve breathing at all costs' idea has crossed the line into the ridiculous when no other considerations are taken. Such as, would the person WANT to live in a broken body and have to continue dealing with a broken mind and endless pain and frustration? And what about the financial consequences to the family that will have to continue to care for them?
Anyway, people put their dogs down when they're old and in pain and call it 'mercy'. If that's mercy, then what do you call keeping a human being alive in spite of extreme old age and pain?
I am 48. I have prayed to God to take me when I'm 50 rather than give me alz and such prolonged misery. Just the thought of it... I'd rather be dead. And when I go, I don't want to be yanked back and stuck in a useless body, trapped in it.
One of my first thoughts when my mom died was that now she was free at last. Not dead, FREE. Seems to me that keeping people alive on purpose, to face nothing but anxiety, fear, pain, misery, sickness and a long, slow death is almost inhuman, and totally wrong. When it's my time to go, I just want to go and go fast.
Doctors have no right to create a hoard of zombies. Which is pretty much what it amounts to.
Watching my mom decline with alz was the scariest thing I've ever witnessed in my life. I know it was just as scary for her, too. But they kept bringing her back from the brink, only for her to decline further and have to face yet another decline and a host of new fears and issues with alz... Yeah. Brilliant. No, thanks. Please.
And Reverseroles, your mom sounds sweet! I wish my mom had been a 'happy alz person', too, especially at the end. Well, at any point, really...
Life is so precious for all. Your children e cared for your parents.
Dearly,
Jothi
Upon that opinion, just be clear in your living will about this. For example, what if you had to take some kind of heart pill to keep you alive. What if you'd die without them? And, what if you were too frail to live on your own but otherwise in good health? What you just said was kind of that you'd give up that heart pill to die.
All I'm pointing out is that you need to think about the wording you're going to use because some of the legal documents you can fill out for this allow you to write down your wishes and you just need to think through the scenarios that you'd like to follow-through.
if you are diagnosed with a terminal or chronic disease you have right to direct what care you accept. I always thought if i was diagnosed with AL I would cut off all other meds once I got to a certain stage, just to give the body a chance to catch up to the brain's decline.
i also joked that is the market declined and my funds started to run low after I retire, I would take up smoking.
Old is tough, old and poor is even tougher, it makes you dependent on loved ones or the government.
I helped my father choose to die, and helped facilitate the final months of his life after he made that choice. Frankly, I was surprised that neither of these acts was difficult or ambiguous emotionally or spiritually. In fact, I felt empowered and proud.
As well, as a visiting RN, I saw many patients who I thought would have been better off if their lives had ended sooner. People will bristle at this, and might even condemn me, but I felt that people who lost their abilities to think, to control their bodily functions, and to have a sense of their own individuality had lost much of their humanity. To be more direct, I felt that they had become less human.
Of course, I did everything I possibly could to ease their suffering and extend their lives. That was my job. And with these difficult, ultimately unanswerable ethical problems, healthcare professionals have nothing if they don't have, and religiously follow rules. In the best of worlds, though, there would have been a way to euthanize them without their consent. (I have to reiterate this clearly though. I know many people who read this site avail themselves to the services of nurses. Whatever I believed, I did everything I could to do just the opposite-- I worked to extend the lives of all my patients. The morals of my profession and our society overwhelmingly superseded my personal beliefs.)
Returning to the topic...There is a last caveat. That is the potential for abuse. Even well intentioned caregivers and healthcare professionals could make short-sited decisions to end lives that should have continued. Perhaps that is reason to keep a short rein on freedom to make decisions that will curtail lives. I honestly don't know.
Finally she qualified for Hospice which takes off the table her being forced to take medications. I also signed DNR.
Its all about my mother being comfortable, happy & respecting her wishes.
My mother took care of her mother for years. She was depressed, drinking, & felt there was no recourse until my grandmother passed at 103.
I don't want my daughter to have any questions as to my care.
Plan to purchase Long Term Care Insurance, sign DNR, & living will.
We should clean our homes, so we don't leave piles and piles of things for our children/relatives to sort through.
We should stay physically active and mentally healthy. We should eat whole, clean, organic foods... not food prepared by restaurants or big corporations. We should keep our weight down within normal/slender ranges.
And all the things everyone else said here.
Boy I'm far from perfect at all of this and have a lot of good work to do...
Most importantly, set a good example, enjoy the ride, laugh, be kind, bring joy and be thankful for this beautiful life every day!
That is why I say unless you are financially independent, a nursing home in any way, shape or form is out. I don't want to use whatever $$$ may be left for a nursing home. I would rather my family go to Disneyland or something. :)
I am even rethinking this whole funeral thing. Why not throw a big party instead? I don't visit my parents at the cemetery. I just get upset and cry and feel sad for a few days - all over again. What about cremation & throw me in the ocean? Or similar. NOT & NEVER have been independently wealthy. I have heard of a couple who think the whole funeral thing is a financial scam and refuse to have funerals when they pass.
I think you make a great point about cremation. I mean if I think about what is happening in those big boxes, underground... My parents were both cremated and they are now in the process of fertilizing beautiful spring flowers on a hill side.
When I think about it, cremation makes the most sense to me. I feel my parents are living on in the hearts and heads of everyone they touched during their lives. I can see them in the faces of their children and grandchildren. We don't need to go to a cemetery to remember their wisdom and loving kindnesses. We feel them with every big decision we face each day.
I just hope someone remembers my wisdom and loving kindnesses some day. ;-)
Two brief related excerpts from "What to Do about Mama?"
"In the light of my caregiving experience, and with the hope that my children will not have to face avoidable stress, I pledge that: 1) I will not leave my children the burden of my messes; 2) If my children become my caregivers I will not to be stubborn and dead set in my ways; 3) I will relinquish control (at least some of it) to them; and 4) When, in my old age, if I do the things I’ve said I won’t—they may, as I’ve told them, “Just show me the book!” What to Do about Mama? p. 222
I would respectfully suggest, however, that it would behoove us all to have this difficult discussion well before the time of need arises so that decisions for treatment are based on our loved one’s expressed wishes. 160
My husband and I have Long Term Health Care Insurance but do not know anyone to compare the quality of care or if it will be difficult to know when we need in home care, etc. Have two children, one out of state, and hoping they will help with making decisions, especially if one of us passes before it gets to that point.
Because my mom Is in AL I am asking questions and reading and attentive to suggestions of things to do to prepare us for that time in our lives. Got her in this hotel converted to be an assisted living facility. Couldn't afford anything better, and we help with that. Her expenses are more than she gets from his S.S. Do NOT want to do that to our kids, and are doing all we can to prepare.
Still open to other ideas.
Totally in agreement with life-extending medications being removed however will that open a can of worms? Our kids have lived through our care-giving for our parents for 12 years now. We don't tell them everything as they are working through their own life experiences. BUT they know a diverse amount of challenges we have gone through. We want it easier for them.
Several people have stated that it is our responsibility to unselfishly care for our parents. I truly believe our society is in the process of redefining what this means. Dysfunctional families are outed more these days, baby boomers are fastly approaching health care needs, and Sooozi is so right. We need to take responsibility for living a life of exercise, eating healthy, and reducing stress.
Sunflowerpower, many are opening the box we have all been conditioned to believe is the proper burial now. I had to deal with family about my father's last wishes. He just wanted a simple family gathering at the gravesite. I was overruled by those who believe that funerals are for the living. I was overruled because the funeral home said in the meeting that dad wrote down that he wanted a funeral service there. He never wrote down his final wishes.
geo123, thank you for responding to this. It is difficult to think through various scenarios when one has no clue where the medical and pharmaceutical profession are taking us.Or just what health issue(s) one will have to address, Because of that, how does one update that which was thought to be every covered detail? From what I have seen from 4 elderly family members, motivation deteriorates as one ages.