Is my FIL making his wife's illness about him or has her illness sped up his decline?
Teasing apart depression from personality disorder. Ever since my MIL got diagnosed with a neurodegenerative illness my FIL has become an anxious, depressed, and controlling wreck. He controls everything she does and how we do things for her. She expresses preferences and he ignores them even though she's far more mentally fit than he. This year he started losing his balance and walking funny. He sometimes says there is something wrong with his heart but none of his doctors can find anything wrong with him so he keeps finding new doctors to go to. If he's not hovering over my MIL he's mentally checked out. Is he making her illness about him? In the past he has used her illness to get sympathy for himself. They have a helper but he's her primary caregiver and controls everything, which has landed MIL in the ER. Their codependent relationship and bad decisions are challenging to deal with. We're the ones who get the calls for help and have to drop everything to attend to their needs real or imagined. What is going on here? What, if anything, can be done?
Just an interesting story. My mom lived in her house for 40 years before her now husband moved in with her. Mom had a tub cut as a walk through so he could shower in the basement. He did not want to use the downstairs bath, so he wanted to get grab bars installed. They went shopping for them, Mom really did not want to mess up the tile with holes necessary to drill. When he was released from rehab at the start of my caregiving, grab bars were very important for safety reasons to install. When Mom was at day care (dementia) one day I had a handyman in to install bars in the shower and by the toilet. The first time Mom used the tub after that she made a statement about how glad she was that SHE had put them in. :)
One time Dad had a mild heart attack, Mom refused for him to go to a rehab facility and agreed to at home physical therapy, nurse visits, even though Mom really didn't want them in the house. Mom will even refuse to this day to believe that Dad had a heart attack because I really believe she thinks that makes her look bad in the eyes of society.
With such thinking by my Mom, it has caused poor choices. Like refusing to have caregivers in the house. Or allowing Dad to have his rolling walker inside the house. Refusing a bath seat in the bathtub. Etc. Anything related to getting old she wanted no part of.
What can be done? Usually nothing. We are the "kids" so what do we know :P Our parents will fight tooth and nail to hang onto their independence. Usually it takes a major medical event to where we need to step in and take over, which isn't fair to place all of that onto our shoulders.
With her condition and going through treatment, I would think she doesn't need the stress of dealing with her husband if he is not helpful.
And who is the primary caregiver who has landed her in the ER? If the primary caregiver is not competent, then I would have husband or whoever their designated POA try to get things in order. It's a shame the woman is going through such a trying time with two caregivers who don't seem to offer much help.