The other day I sent an email to all my siblings about my mothers finances. The only part I have in it was doing the online banking. My two sisters have taken over everything else. Among my siblings there is only division. We no longer talk or communicate what so ever. Except through my mother. Her finances are getting very low. So I put out an email to let the siblings know we should have a plan. But it backfired on me. My mother had called me within an hour ...upset...and asked why I did that. I did not want to start an argument so I told her I was at dinner and would have to call her back. At the time I was shocked that they got to her that quickly. But I shouldn't of been that is usually the way they handled things. Was I wrong for putting out that email? I received a text message yesterday stating the password has been changed. So I was taken off the banking system. No I did not discuss with my mother if I could do this. I thought it would make her worry more about money. I did send out a follow up email apologizing if the email offended anyone. And I did say the last thing I wanted to do was to put more distance between me and my mother.
At this point you can either wash your hands of it, which sucks, cause you want your mom to have the best, or you cans your reasonable siblings can try to find a way to gain mom's trust and convince her you're looking out for what's best for her, and that's not going to be easy.
A mediator is supposed to reduce anguish, not add to it. My mom did the same thing to me over her house, and I don't have any siblings. Her sisters told her I'd dump her on the street. And probably a lot of the paranoid delusions told her that too.
And apologize to her for not coming to her first, she needs to know that you didn't intend to hurt her or go behind her back.
Then and only if she's agreeable, see if you, her & your siblings can go over all of what needs to happen to make your mom's life better - I know it's way harder when they probably all have their own agendas, and may not be receptive. If everyone is local, face to face is best, if not Skype or conference call, let everyone have a chance to voice themselves, if you can. You may even need a mediator or therapist for this - just to give you a disinterested 3rd party with no real stake in the outcome.
Remembering at the end of the day, what your mom wants/needs is the most important part of this whole process.
Second, especially in older generations, people generally don't want their financial dirty laundry spread around and maybe in her mind even gossiped about. In the past you've led her to believe she has the money she needs and this may look to her like you've not been honest - not to say that her perception is correct there, it's just how she could see it.
She's an adult and by her kids going behind her back and talking about her money/health/lifestyle, whatever, and attempting to "resolve" her issues without her full knowledge and support just infantilezers her.
Personally, unless she has advanced dementia, she should be the 1st person you discuss this with, not the last.
It's really hard on the elderly to go from being independent & in charge of their lives and decisions to all of the sudden their kids (even if they are adults) coming in and trying to take over & "fix" things.
I promise I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I do think you were really only trying to do the best you could & really want to help.
Just please for your mom's sake try to remember that she needs to have as much control as possible and she needs to know I advance of of others about her problems or concerns. Shielding her might just cause more stress for her because it can make her then worry what else is going on or are her kids "plotting" against her.
If you don't have a legally recognized oversight role for your mom, like power of attorney or court granted custody, there are no laws preventing anyone from taking decision making and access to info away from you. The siblings who do hold those roles are accountable to the court for her situation. Without these formal designations, things can get weird & ugly fast. Nobody can "self-appoint" as guardian/custodian/attorney-in-fact. Forms, notarization, and sometimes court is involved. It's quite rude to exclude you from the conversation, but it might be a blessing in disguise.
Being a joint account holder or authorized signer on mom's account does NOT equate to having power of attorney or guardianship and overriding mom's wishes for her money.
Personally, I would drop this like a hot rock and let the control freaks have it. Just enjoy your mom and what you are able to do with her.
Well my becoming DPOA opened a very large can of worms and my sibling became very angry with me, even though I had told her twice that I was going to ask Mom to appoint me. Our youngest sibling did not care and it was fine.
I tell you all this because NOTHING I DID WAS RIGHT OR GOOD ENOUGH FOR OLDER SIBLING! I got zero help from her but 1000% in gripes and complaints.
I do not know how you stated your email to your siblings but sending the email was perfectly fine. You were concerned so you made a statement to everyone that Mom's money was running low. They however interpreted it as complaining or sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Mom was embarrassed because someone called her and told her what you had done trying to throw you under the bus.
You say "they" are spending time as her house helping her. Do you ever spend time there, helping out? Unless you live hours away, you need to be physically helping especially when she becomes ill and can no longer be by herself. Being a caregiver is the hardest and most tiring job in the world, especially if Mom has dementia or Alzheimer's. Caregivers need physical help and relief from all those other siblings on a regular basis.
It is a real shame that at a time in life when we all need to stick together as a family and all pull together for the good of the ill person....we all seemed to fall apart and get our feelings hurt and try to hurt the other person rather than show love, peace and harmony.
The act of sending out the email was not wrong, however your siblings wanted to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Your Mom does not need to be caught up in the middle of the children's arguments....she is supposed to be the ill one!
Just a note: My older sibling did not straighten up until after our Mom died. What a shame that Mom only saw meanness from her until the day she died.
Doesn't matter if you're paying them $$(as you stated), you should be paying them, I bet it's still less than the cost of paying a stranger. And the years they give up they don't get back.
They're also not working(well they are but not in the typical sense) so when your mom passes they won't be able to just go back into the job market. So they need to be taken care after your mom passes.
Sorry, I don't consider someone who just manages the finances as a caregiver, that's a financial manager.
I would be willing to bet the siblings of the OP resent her lack of a role other than playing banker.
My situation is that my sister, the very least trustworthy member of our family, has 100% control over our mother's ~ million dollar estate. She does not communicate anything to any of us 3 siblings about our mom's finances, and my mother is totally clueless about all things financial. So my sister pays all my mom's bills online using access to her accounts. While I was there visiting a couple months ago, my mom's land line got cut off. When she asked my sister about it, she found she hadn't paid the bill, for how long I don't know! It was sitting on her coffee table she told my mom. She also only paid $100 on my mom's $600 credit card bill. My mom had told her to pay off her credit card balance every month. When she asked my sister about that, she got some lame excuse. Coincidentally, my sister and her parasitic boyfriend had just returned from a trip to NY. My conclusion is that my sister is short-paying (or not paying) my mom's bills and dipping in to her accounts to supplement her travel expenses. But my mother and sister keep it all in their own little world and nobody else has any information about my mom's financial matters - period. That includes her will, annuities, bank accounts, insurance proceeds, etc. My sociopathic sister is the only one privy to this information. If I even ask a question about any of it, I get labeled "greedy", even though they all know my husband and I have assets at least triple what my mom has. So, in other words, my husband and I aren't sitting in a bird's nest with our beaks wide open waiting for any worms to fall in our mouths like they are. My sister wants things just the way they are - her 100% in control and possibly hijacking our potential inheritance out from under us. I haven't been able to figure out how to go about remedying this situation, but would like any suggestions you all may have. Debbie, in a way you are fortunate that you mom is running out of money. Nothing for your siblings to fight over, except how will you all pay for her care going forward. Watch them scatter when that day comes!!
Good insights into family dynamics. The point you made about the effect of squabbling siblings on parents is well taken. It's unfortunate that in such situations the sibs can't rise above their personal goals and pull together for the larger good, which is the care of the parent.
Also good advice on e-mails. A whole new area of law has developed dealing with online and electronic communications, especially in business (and in politics, as Hillary knows well), as well as retention policies of firms as to their e-mail communications.