My father is 92, has mid stage vascular dementia and has lived with my husband and I for over seven years. Recently he has been having frequent mini strokes and with each one we see a significant decline. He was recently declined by Medicaid due to owning two homes. Both homes are owned jointly with estranged wife, she lives in one and refuses to sell either one. Both homes have a combined valued at $110,000. Upon his death she will receive the homes. We have talked to an attorney about a divorce and and he said dad he is not competent to sign papers. My husband was diagnosed with cancer eight years ago and underwent surgery and chemo, we just found out it has metastasized and he will begin radiation in two weeks. The stress is killing me and I am wondering how I will be able to take care of both of them on my own. I am an only child and our children live out of state. Without Medicaid there is no way we can afford long term care for dad. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Just to be clear, I didn't advocate that she drop him off at the hospital. I said 'if you're desperate, next time he's IN THE HOSPITAL, don't agree to take him back into your home when he's discharged.' There's a HUGE difference. It is the case manager's responsibility upon discharge to ensure that a patient returns to a safe environment. If DadsCareGiver1 doesn't think that Dad can be safe in her home, she is within her rights to say so.
Who has POA?
If they are not divorced - his wife should then be responsible for his care and the bills for his care. (obviously he is better in your care physically and emotionally, but she is still liable financially I would think).
Maybe if she is presented with the option of HER being his caretaker, since she is his wife, she may be amenable to legally divesting one of the homes to be sold, and/or a divorce that gives her the other home to keep living in. Especially since I would think SHE (not you and your husband) would be legally liable for all of his caretaking bills.
It is time to take the legal bull by the horns.
If you have POA - get the divorce going for him, (or put one of his homes up for sale). Let the lawyer know all of the reasons why you are pursuing a divorce/sale of a home, for him at this stage - it is so he can have Medicaid coverage for his care and ongoing medical needs.
If his wife has POA - time to give her a wake up call to the medical situation. Then she has the option to be helpful, or be a jerk, but if she is a jerk, you can then have an eldercare lawyer (or go to court on your own ) and have her POA revoked, and then the court can give it to you, or to a court appointed guardian ad litum for your dad. (BTW - document, document, document - everything, every bill, every medical treatment, every piece of paperwork, all communications with her, with Medicaid, etc).
If your county has an Agency on Aging, seek their guidance/advice on how to expedite this for him.
If you can't dispose of the property (ies), the only other option would be to try to mortgage the homes to pay for his care, or do a reverse mortgage. (again needs POA and gets complicated, but is doable).
I '''think'''' if the second home is sold, they would allow his wife to remain in the one home, and then qualify him for Medicaid.
Again, comes down to who has his POA, his marital status,
and/or going to court.
Ask a good eldercare lawyer, or county agency on aging what all of your options are and how best to proceed with this complex situation.
It sounds like a mess, and you surely have your hands full.
Just know that people you have never met are praying for you and wishing you the best during such a difficult situation.