She is 84 and had a stroke a couple months ago. Although she can maneuver fairly well with walker assistance, she is no longer able to live by herself. I am a single mom, and my son will be moving out within the next month to a place of his own. I was looking forward, at 55 years old, to finally, for the 1st time in my life, taking care of just myself, enjoying time alone (which i love and crave), and this happened. Now im mentally devestated. My mom and i are extremely different, yet we get along fairly well because i do what i have to make it that way. She has another daughter and a son, but they live too far away to be of assistance. Mom is not financially able to live in assisted care, and refuses to be anywhere than with me. Im having a very difficult time being a shell of an existence. My mother did not raise me, yet we have been close most of our lives. I just to know how to find a way to accept my new responsibility, knowing that it will change everything about what i was looking forward to. I know this isnt how my mom had hoped to be either. She is a beautiful lady, and i would never say anything that would hurt her feelings. Telling her how im feeling is not an option. It would destroy the level of calm that exists now between us.
Take care of yourself!
Carol
The poster who said this is in an entirely different situation, IMO. Caring for a spouse. A spouse is someone you choose, someone you make commitments to that are intended to be for life, and someone who hopefully would do the same for you if positions were reversed. I do believe in caring for one's spouse if he or she becomes disabled. I don't agree with any obligation to sacrifice yourself for someone you did not choose or make any mutual commitments to. That's not living up to your end of the bargain - it's out-and-out self-sacrifice. I don't believe you have any obligation to sacrifice the quality of your life for the quality of your mother's life, especially not for an indefinite period of time that will only end upon her death.
It's one thing to give up a week or two, maybe a month even, while looking for a placement for Mom. It's another thing to become the placement, indefinitely, when you already know you have neither the desire nor the willingness to do that.
I like freqflyer's idea of establishing boundaries in advance, but it wouldn't have worked for me and it still really doesn't. I had no idea how my mom was going to respond to getting help from her children. Greedy, demanding, entitled, always asking for one more thing than I would have done voluntarily. Responding to any resistance with hissy fits and guilt tripping. To this day, I can't get her to ask for help in a manner that sounds like an actual request and not a politely-phrased order. Those parent-child dynamics freqflyer mentioned - if she treats you like you're twelve years old, it almost doesn't matter how you respond - if you're anything like me you'll be furious no matter how you respond.
The likelihood is you'll also become furious with your siblings for not contributing, not calling you to offer support, going on their regular vacations instead of coming to relieve you with Mom for a week, etc.
Don't go into a situation knowing you'll be an unhappy caregiver. It's much harder to unwind one of these situations than to not step into it to begin with.
You use the phrase "take care of a loved one" as though it's a foregone conclusion that we love the person we're caring for, but in many cases that's questionable, or just not true. In my own case, I've proven beyond a doubt, both in my failed marriage and my caregiving history, that I'm simply incapable of loving in captivity. Being backed into a role and a set of expectations you don't want can turn a relationship sour very fast. And once the relationship is sour, the sense of imprisonment becomes all the more noxious.
Some people can make this work, and more power to them. I once read a story in which an elderly mom was lamenting the burden she was placing on her daughter, telling her daughter "I'm stealing your life!" In response to which the daughter lovingly assured her "No, Mom. This is my life."
I think that's lovely. But it's not my mother, and it's not me. I don't get the impression it's the OP either.
The level of calm that exists between you is based on the falsehood that you are happy with this situation. I'm going to mull that over for a while and come back to it. Would you like to do the same?
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