Mom was living alone with "mild" dementia for almost 2 years, then had household fall was not found for 3 days, hospital 6 days, rehab 4 weeks, now enhanced assisted living with memory care for 4 weeks. It's a wonderful place, non-institutional feel, nurses on staff 7 days, doctors available most days. The building is secured with a key code, but residents can freely use another door to a large, enclosed garden area. I take her walking most days on trails on the property. Right now she accepts that she is there for medical reasons, but she wants to go home as soon as she's "better." Cognitively, she is the genius in this building--she can read, write, use the telephone (with multiple tries), sometimes figure out what day it is and what time it is. In spite of aphasia and refusal to use hearing aids, she can carry on a conversation. Several times she has called or written to her friends and asked them to take her to the bank or take her home. Fortunately they did not, but one set of friends does not seem to believe she has dementia at all. They have offered to take her off the property more than once, even though I told them they are not on the list to take her out of the building. My brother and I both live out of state. I'm going back home in a few days. She is not under guardianship, but so far, she has not been cognitively able to initiate and follow through with any actions to actually leave the place on her own. But I worry her friends will try to "help" her get back to her house. Must I repeatedly call and speak to every friend to ask them not to "help" her? And what if the friends don't agree with me? Any ideas or experiences?
on Publisher's Clearing House crap - Ugh!
The time and luxury for what "friends" (even what other family) thinks has passed ....unless a person feels and IS fully responsible/accountable for the full weight of your mom's well-being/care, all they have are "Opinions". (I had many fights w/my one & only sister. Regardless of the details stated in my parents trust - Sadly, my sister insists on doing & trying to get her way.....as my parents explained to me many years ago; which is why they made me the "Executor"). It's up to you & your brother to work together, plan now and help manage your mom as you both accompany her thru the various stages of her dementia. Praying for you, your mom and family - sending you good wishes on this journey!!
It also might be good to try to get at least some of mom's friends on your side, backing you up. Maybe if they understood they are really doing her a disservice by getting her hopes up when it's NOT gonna happen!
I wonder if their lack of acceptance has more to do with them not wanting to admit that their friend, and also they, are aging and just not the same as they all were 20 years ago?
The friends who don't see her dementia - what do they know about dementia? I don't mean that rudely; I mean, might it help to give them some kind of information leaflet (try alz.org) that will get it into their heads that there is more to dementia than not remembering the name of the President.
You might also mention, in a mild FYI way, that hypothetically any well-intentioned persons who were to do such a kind but misguided thing as to take a person from a memory care unit back to her home and leave her there would be a) exposing their friend to really serious risk and b) exposing themselves to really serious trouble.
Do encourage them, though, to speak out about *why* they feel she'd be just fine alone at home and this is all a big fuss about nothing and Not Fair. If you can get them to explain their reasoning, you'll know what they're misunderstanding.
My friend's Mum (new resident in MC) kept asking to go home, kept calling her sister to spring her. Her older sister arrived to visit one day & the MC Manager let them go try. My friend lives many hours away, was notified but pretty worried!
Lasted less than 48 hours as the Mum was distressed & confused & the sister unable to get her to eat, dress, bath etc. Both had the insight this would not work. Returned to MC.
They made a 2nd attempt. This one was only a few hours. The Mum got to her house & then asked to go home. Where's home? "Where I live now". She had adjusted.
Others tell me having the familiar photos, cushions, trinkets etc in the new home helps.
I think your lovely new habbit of walking the gardens will be something you both enjoy. This will start to feel 'like home'.
Fresh air & sunshine, being in nature, good company & a chat. That's what a good day looks like to me!
She is lucky indeed to have such a loving daughter.
If they say they can't prevent mom from leaving, ask that anyone taking her out sign a document indicating that they are taking full responsibility for any outcomes.
If these folks take her out and return her home, I'd not lift a finger to help in the event of another "emergency". I'd make it abundantly clear to them that they would be responsible for mother's care. And that they would be liable in case of any harm that comes to your mother.
Have you a family lawyer who could send a strongly worded letter to this effect?
When I visited in my RV, the nurse and staff there encouraged us to take her out to lunch and for a ride in the RV. (She had a lifestyle of traveling in her own RV until her husband passed.)
She enjoyed it, was elderly @ age 90, somewhat frail. When we drove her past her old house, at her request, she looked so confused, could not answer if that was the house, did she remember it, etc. Dropping the subject, we took her back to the care home. . This was a short two hour visit, as we were just passing through her town.
It is common that persons with dementia want to go home.
Visitors can be uninformed and ignorant.
I think Mom should stay where she is if she can afford it. If you have financial POA you can sell her home to help pay for her care.
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