Mom and Dad's clutter; should I start deciding what stays and what goes?

Hi, Anjolie. This is a tricky one, isn't it?

Something that resonated with me on this forum when I first discovered it is the advice that caregiving needs to be a two-way street, a give-and-take, a partnership. That would seem to suggest that you ought to be able not to live in complete chaos as you take care of your parents and live with them.

Would your parents actually notice if you cleared away some junk? And is it a health or safety issue?

My dad doesn't have cognitive issues at this time, but I have definitely gotten rid of a lot of items that I know he has no use for any longer without telling him. For instance, his second bedroom closet that used to be stuffed with a million size medium jackets that he can now no longer wear is now is a home health supplies closet. He has no idea.

I know how you feel all away around this!

Two and a half years ago my boyfriend of 15 yrs and I moved into my mother's house, which is my childhood home and the house I will inherit. My parents had enough stuff to furnish another house and my mother went out and bought things (that she never used) after my dad passed away. Actually my boyfriend and my stuff is in a storage unit because there was/is no room for it. Like your parents, my mother would not give up anything! I found the clutter draining my energy and depressing! And more over, I too didn't want to get out of bed! There was no room for us at all.
The feeling, the thought of going through their things ( yes you read correctly, my mother kept a lot of my dad's things) felt so wrong! I can't even find the words!
However, I changed my thinking! 1) Living this way was/is not healthy on any body. Not only does it drive your emotions down to no mans land, but it just sucks the life out of you. To move this to get to that. Looking for something that got miss placed...oh wait, it didn't have a place for it! Most of all, you can't really clean anything, because you either can't get to it or stuff was on it! So it becomes a physical health problem too. 2) I am going to inherit the house with all the crap inside as well. I had to ask myself, what will I do when mom passes? How long is it going to take me to clean this big house out and get it liveable for my BF and me? What should I keep? What can be donated? What can be sold to help with repairs? Because the house got full no body could do any repairs in it! These are questions you need to start asking yourself.
First thing I did was pick a spot and cleaned it out. This spot for my boyfriend's work apparel. Our bedroom was cleaned out before we moved in, however, that stuff was all over the house. Secondly, because we use our basement as part of our everyday living area ( which was full except for a pathway. We started with the basement. My mother doesn't use the basement that much. Stairs have become hard on her. We just start to go through stuff and put things into totes. Didn't ask and didn't say anything to mom. Here's why? She would just say, I am going to use that some day! I want to hang that picture on my wall ( there is no place to hang it on her wall). We couldn't even get to our bathroom in the basement! After we put things into totes we stacked them in one place. Yes, we threw away anything that was broken and can't be fixed, unusable. After my mother seen what we did she went into shock her anxieties went up, but I took her to the totes and showed her here are your things., and I expain that we couldn't get to the bathroom or dad's paint room, now we can! She said, " oh well that will make it easier for--my BF name." "It looks so much better!"
See where I am going with this.?
By the way, we are down to 2 of those totoes! I had her go through them. You start off with small things and you explain and keep explaining how you and hubby need your space. How you can't keep living this way! Give your feelings a voice. Also, tell them that you want to do it with them not to them. You have to get them to see your point of view.

Because humans are good at adapting to their environment they feel everything is good that way until you show them a new way!

I am not saying to do a huge clean up in one hit. Nor am I saying to disrespect them. It's a little at a time! You will be surprise how much they won't notice things missing. I have notice and did some research elderly people have tunnel vision. ( most of them)
As far as they pay the bills, offer to pay and to do some of the repairs. Even if they are just small repairs!


You have my deepest condolences. I for one know what you are feeling and going through. It is hard enough to see our parents decline, and try to take care of them, but to live in a house were you feel uncomfortable, and the walls are closing in on you makes it that much harder--unbearable!


Good luck!

I'm not in the same position as you but I do have a family member who tends to have difficulty letting things go. In our case I've found that sifting through the piles and separating it can help to pare down quite a bit. Start with the stuff that is really obviously past it's useful life and can be discarded - those inevitable stacks of foil and plastic containers, clothes no one has worn in years etc - it's probably better that you just go ahead and deal with that stuff without asking. It's the perfectly good, even new but never used items that are more difficult, sort those with an eye to whether you can donate or sell and pack them into totes or boxes to deal with later, if there is space you might designate one room to keep these.

I’ve thrown out and/or donated many items from my dad’s home, and he lives there still. Most of it he knows about, but there is some I have done without his knowledge, things I’m very sure he’ll never miss that were obvious trash. Like old newspaper clippings from fifty plus years ago, he hasn’t looked at them and doesn't remember they were saved anyway. I look at this as making his environment easier for him to live in and making it a bit easier on me when he either doesn't live there anymore or passes away. Most people accumulate far more than they realize and paring it down definitely makes you feel more accomplished. Be sensitive to your parents wishes, but at least organize the stuff they won’t part with so it’ll be easy to donate or trash later and out of the way for now

I feel your pain! I have trouble breathing if surrounded by too many objects. Not from dust- from anxiety.

What my mother and I did was box up some of the treasures, date the box and move them to the garage. The next year, if the box hadn't been opened, we donated it sight unseen to the Goodwill.

It was a slow process and she will occasionally mourn those "beautiful individual soup crocks you made me give away" (Bought at a garage sale, held for 20 years, used zero times!)

I cleaned out my mom's house when she was in the hospital "for her safety" when she returned.

I’m playing Devils Advocate here, but in my case, I would feel highly resentful if my children came into my house and began pitching my stuff. I’m not a hoarder, but after 44 years of marriage, I’ve collected a lot of “stuff” that my kids have no idea the meaning of. I have a jet-bead necklace that a relative made in the mid-1800’s for her Rosary, a true “hand me down”. I also have a cedar chest that’s nearly 100 years old. My children have no appreciation for these things. I’ve begun pointing out things that are precious to me, but there is no guarantee they’ll remember. If they walked in while I’m still “here” and started going through my things, I’d be furious. I’d appreciate it more if they’d pitch in and wash floors and walls.

This is just how I feel and not meant to be fodder for argument or rebuttal.

Yes! By all means. If you have the strength & energy to do it

Clutter can be a real safety issue. It can impair mobility, and even cause falls.
Not to mention the nuisance and waste of time. And to play devils advocate,
what if they needed their phone to dial 911 but couldn't find it under all the clutter? Or were so busy and stressed looking for a misplaced item they forgot
something on the stove?

I spent years clearing away my father's clutter, he almost never missed anything
and the few things I got rid of that he went hunting for were easily replaced.
Which is basically for me the rule of thumb for decluttering. If it is replaceable
and not used out it goes. If it is something collectable or hard to find I'd put
it into storage. As my father was extreme fall risk, I really had no choice. He
hated it but didn't miss anything except a couple of DVD's which we promptly
repurchased.

Sorting and organizing is one thing..those walmart sterlite tubs are GREAT, but tossing is a whole other ball game and IMHO wrong.

I am a caregiver, part of my partner's illness was loosing our home with 0 warning to me. I left with my dogs, and clothes on my back and a few (I mean a FEW) boxes. I had a house full of a LIFE TIME of things, and things that had belonged to my mom and dad too. All those memories, gone, not by some storm, but by the act of a then undiagnoised illness.

Maybe an investment in a pod or storage shed out back, or even a rental storage unit would be ok for now. I MISS so many things, stupid things, I can, still, years later flashback on these items. Each held memories. And Im in my early 50's. I picture it on the curb for the trash and it STILL breaks my heart. Do some organizing, sure, especially those clear tubs. They can go a long way to make extra space without tossing stuff. (Unless we are talking about that 100 year old couch that no one sits on-that can go). Otherwise my vote is DO NOT MOVE IN YET. IT IS NOT YOUR HOME YET. Appreciate the "free rent" and respect their space. If you were my child and started tossing my stuff, you would be dis inherited to having my home. Death is not a Fast food, hurry up, I want your house thing. Don't be a vulture, be a pack rat.

A few more thoughts to add to others. It is probably good to start the discussion with your parents as ‘We need to make a bit more space for my own things, so that this feels more like home for me and DH’, rather than ‘I want to chuck out your things because they are junk’. I know that you wouldn’t be that blunt, but I’m sure you can see the difference. Then they would be doing something nice for you, not feeling de-valued themselves.

I agree that sorting things into plastic boxes is a good idea. Mine have wheels but still stack, three boxes high holds a lot, and the stacks fit very neatly next to each other. You can put a contents list inside each box visible from the outside, or just put an item that makes it clear what’s in the box.

While you are sorting ‘treasures’, like the things Ahmijoy talks about, ask for the story about what they are and write it out to keep with the necklace (or whatever). If you don’t have a printer, take it to a shop and get the print-outs so that they stay with the items. Children and grandchildren will find that much more interesting than just the item with no history, and your parents can enjoy telling you all about things and seeing that you value them yourself. Of course it will be slower, but it has a long term value. They can be kept long term, because they become more interesting and valuable as they turn into ‘history’ rather than just ‘old-fashioned’.

The chances are that your parents will agree to donate or chuck some things as you go along, if they don’t feel threatened that it will lead to wholesale destruction. If you don’t find a box full of washed plastic bags, you will be in a small minority. If there are things that you (even your parents) think are only may-be’s, keep them in a separate box from the ‘definitely keep’. That will simplify your job when you do the final sort in the future.

Have courage!

I think organizing and making space for you and husband is very acceptable! I'm sure your parents will understand if you approach them in the respectful manner deserved since technically it's still there home and space. Asking to organize items makes perfect sense but the thought of throwing away anything just because I don't know or can't see the value, is just plain wrong. It would upset me very much. People and especially the older generation have attachments to items, even though we can't see why. Great time to get some tubs and go through things together. This way you get more space and Organization without violating thier personal items or space. It's a win win. I usually try to go with how I'd want someone to treat me or my belongings if I were aging and needed extra help. I'm a bit of a pack rat myself and I get it from my grandmother who is now 89. We just hate throwing things away!

My dad saved EVERYTHING. It was necessary to throw out the styrofoam containers (100's) that his Meals on Wheels lunches came in, also used straws (that he would rinse out and serve to company! 😝) A collection of near a million rubber bands (it seemed) was whittled down to a thousand and holey socks, T-shirts, underwear, etc. would magically disappear.
My favorite time was when he was in the hospital. I really got the junk out. But that's all I threw out-junk- pens that didn't write anymore, week old newspapers and the moldy, half eaten dinners in the fridge that were "too good to throw out." Anything broken, unusuable or obvious garbage went.

But, as for things that were purpously saved by him, I took much more caution in chucking out. It may be something I might want to remember from him.

Make sure it wouldn't have some hidden story or unknown meaning. You can't get back what you've given or thrown away.

Part of the reason I've put off doing any more organizing, is that I've been so focused on respecting my parents values and possessions. But yellowed magazines, musty paperbacks with tiny, crowded print, dozens of baking pans, and nobody left who has the time or interest in baking...ripped, torn and faded clothing that no longer fits them. At that stuff I plan to draw the line. I see no option but to start donating or disposing of things they'll never again use and won't miss. I grew up in this house, live here again and expect to spend many years to come here. It's time it actually felt like home to me again.

Being it appears you all live together as birds of a feather at the moment, Organize and do the best that you can while it is still their house. Unless they are Not of sound mind and body, you can only do this to have some mind bliss of your own at their home. God bless you for taking care of them. I commend you.

Again, your situation reminds me why I love this site and gives me much encouragement being the caregiver of my 81 yo mom!!

I have been staying with her in her house in preparation to move her closer to family in another state...then she fell. So, we have had MANY disagreements/arguments about all the things that have been tucked away for decades (literally) but must keep. Then my ever-so-smart daughter said..."so what? it's not hurting anything if she keeps what she feels is important to her, she may be more willing to downsize more at a later date".

Though we are not dealing with clutter, it definitely has been a learning process for all of us. Out of the 10 sets of sheets and cases we agreed to keep 4, 20 scarfs went down to 6, I was only aloud to get rid of 8 of the dozens of various sized empty plastic and glass food containers, but it's a process. We either pack or put away her treasures and move on to the next drawer, cabinet, box, or corner.

I hope you are able to find a compromise that is suitable everyone...keep strong!

You just have to dig in and do it. It took almost 4 years of paring down but eventually my aunt( mostly my aunt) and I got her down to a room full of stuff so she could move in with me.
when dad died 2 years before she had us put most of his things out for pick up with in a week of his passing, so I wasn’t as guilt ridden when we talked her into a tag sale and enticed her with the money it would bring.
She occaisionally ask for things that are gone and complains about all her losses, but I can’t do clutter and I resent the mess that came with her as is.
you need a tough partner to help and stick to your guns. Sometimes you just have to say hey I just don’t know where it went and cross your fingers and keep moving on.
good luck.

Hi!
I would first define space for you and your husband. Space you are responsible for keeping clean and tidy. They may be inspired if they see your area!

I have had two situations happen. My brother and I threw out a lot of my mothers things when she first became ill without her. She was mad at us and still talks about it. So the second run through I included her. The second run through took longer but we could talk her threw each item.

Are they open for downsizing? If so, do it while you can! I would let them know you want to know the stories behind their possessions. In my opinion, it is best to do it while they can have input. Some stuff you probably don't know if it is valuable or not or if there are memories attached. It is very hard to go through loved ones things when they are not their to tell you what matters and what doesn't.

One pile at a time, start with three bins, bags or whatever. One for trash, one for keepsake and one to sell. I like the idea of jotting the story down behind what they feel needs to be saved. Throw away the trash and sell the stuff for them. Maybe they will be encouraged by the money?

Don't put huge exceptions on them the first run through. They may keep a lot the first run through. Say after six months if you do it again they may see the stuff is not being used and just taking up space they may be more open to getting rid of it.

We asked questions:
Would you buy it again?
Is it valuable?
Does it have significant meaning?
When there were 50 empty plastic medicine bottles that she wanted to keep we compromised on keeping 5.

It can be a slow tedious process but so worth it in the end. It helps to know where important papers are as well!
Good luck!

Anjolie, are things legally set up so you are sure you can continue to live in the house? If not, do so right away. I would get advice from an Elder Care Attorney. If the house is in your parents name and they ever have to have state aid like Medicaid, when they pass the state will come after their estate. This includes the house, in order to recoup their money. Many times kids think they will inherit something and whatever it is has to be sold to pay for the parent's care. Think of it this way, the state loaned your parents money and when they die, they collect from the estate. It is about 5:30 am and I can't figure out how to write this clearly.

just spent 12 hours de cluttering my mums flat. She does realise it needed doing and wont remember most of the stuff we gave to charity, binned or burned. You will have to do it one day so Good luck!

As household manager then you have the right to de clutter but getting them to acknowledge this is another thing - your parents need to have clear routes from an exterior door to bathroom, bedroom, kitchen & usual place they sit [tv room?] both for their everyday safety & possible EMS if they need help - start with their safety first

Pick 3 items & turn them backwards then note time & date .... if after 3 weeks neither notices then they won't notice that it is in storage & something of yours is in its place - but don't throw it out but store in basement etc

I feel your anxiety - my mother’s dementia has placed her in a SNH - we are paying for a storage unit every month - and we feel guilty about sorting through her treasures and getting rid of anything ... but financially, I am feeling the pinch every month in sending a check to house her belongings ... 😥

I have the same problem but it is only my mother I'm caring for. Mt mom is a big fall risk, so I have had to remove items from her room for her safety. She is a huge control freak so it hasn't been easy dealing with her for almost 4 years now. You give up your life for them and you would think they would be appreciative! Praying for you and your situation. Good luck!

Hi Anjolie - A word to the wise - SAVE YOURSELF!!! Please do yourself a huge favor and start getting rid of that junk NOW. 2 years after Dad died mom had to move in with me (dementia). Thankfully they weren't hoarders, but a housefull of stuff is still a housefull of stuff and it fell to ME to go through every blessed room, closet, drawer, bookshelf, garage AND attic and make decisions what to toss/keep/donate, etc. I've worked on it haltingly for going on 4 years now and I resented practically every minute of it. Thankfully, I'm close to completion, but it's taken a toll on me, MY house, My mental/physical health, AND the finances (had certain things been disposed of earlier on, by THEM when no longer used of useful I could have rented their house out a couple YEARS ago, instead of it sitting empty). Anyway, I HAD to adopt the mindset early on with my parents' decline : When you can no longer take care of yourselves I'M IN CHARGE, I NOW MAKE THE DECISIONS and what I say goes. Otherwise, you end up feeling like a victim who has no control. I also looked at it with the stuff they 'might' use or that 'might come in handy' - if they haven't used it by now, they (due to age and health) never will so out it goes. Anjolie - you are the boss now - and once you realize this you will probably feel more empowered and able to move forward with what you know you have to do. Hang in there, it's a tough nut but very liberating once you can change over to this mindset.

Its uyour parents house, why did you and you hubby move in, you are invading their space. They are not in your space, I would be upset if my daughter got rid of
my trinkets,  Maybe sit down and talk to them.  But really are they sick, or what??
That is the first question why?

Start small.... make space for you and your husband... and keep that area solely yours.
The clutter didn’t get there overnight, so it won’t disappear overnight either. Try going through ONE area at a time... a drawer, a shelf, a corner of a room. You will have a jump start on the inevitable-

I understand, as I had to empty my parents house of 53 years (full house plus an attached in-law apartment) in under a month from 120 miles away. The sheer distance made it impossible to save anything that didn’t fit in my trunk. A moving van or storage facility didn’t make sense because we weren’t “moving” anywhere.... and had no place to put the stuff.
You will feel better knowing that you “started” and are moving in the right direction, no matter how long it takes.

I feel the same way as you. Mother's house is not mine, but at the same , it will eventually have to be done. My approach has been to start with the closets and drawers that seem to serve no purpose other than to be collecting stations. The first closet i tackled was the linen closet in the main bath because as a child I always wondered what mysterious items were stashed away up in the top compartment. To my astonishment I discovered probably a dozen vinyl shower curtains. NOT new like she bought them and just never put them up, but used. Most l remembered from my childhood and I'm over 50. They were all folded nicely though lol. My initial thought was WHY?!?!?! Since then I've found other "hidden treasures" .
So, just think of it this way. It will eventually have to be done. We may as well get a head start, because after this care giving journey are we really going to want to be trying to decide what to keep or not?
If they will be very upset though, maybe you could discuss putting some stuff in storage.

Holy cow - I really sounded harsh in my previous post. I still stand by what I said, however please know that I'd asked my mother on and off for YEARS to please start clearing things out - especially her clothes - as some things (clothes especially as they're so personal) would be too heartbreaking for me to figure out what to do with once she was 'gone'. She took no action. However, when dad died, she harped on me until I went over there and completely cleaned out his cluttered den...quite frankly, she treated me like a rented mule about the whole thing and I still don't understand why. There are other issues at play here too, but please know I did my best to include her in on decisions with many of her things (until I no longer could because she didn't have the capacity to understand). It was just such an overwhelming task - and at this point, I've been doing some sort of caregiving for over 10 years now. My entire 50's were devoted to this (poof! gone!) and now I'm in my early 60's. Every time I start to feel physically/mentally stronger, her health takes a turn for the worse which requires more of me physically/mentally - and it drags me right down again - it's like clockwork. Thank GOD we have caregivers in 2x day to tend to her toileting, etc. or else I'd have hanged myself in the attic years ago. So anyway, I do stand by what I'd written to Anjolie - just with a bit of a softer edge. Thanks for reading this!

Chances are if they have a ton of clutter they don't even know what there is. I realize how frustrating this is and can be. Could you start by getting storage containers and putting the "clutter" into them a little at a time and label the contents as best you can and toss the true junk. If they ask where their stuff is or they want some thing, you will have access to it.
It is still their home and you chose to move in to help. Maybe this should have been addressed prior to moving in. Whatever the situation is for you - I don't think it is your right for you to get rid of their belongings. I would discuss the clutter and include them with the "reorganization" of their home. That seems to be a must for any caregiver being a resident with them. Also the danger of falling is increased dramatically with clutter everywhere. Good luck - and have patience - you have support.

You need to work with them. It hasn't become your sole responsibility yet, but it will some day. I kept using the explanation that it will be wonderful for them to part with a few things so that they can better enjoy the things they love. Mainly, don't expect to do it all at once. You live there. You can do just a few little things at a time. If they are truly hoarders, don't say that you are throwing out those shower curtains, say that you know someone who could really use them and "regift" them. It might be easier for them to let go. It won't be the most efficient system. You may need to go through a box, draw, shelf, or bag four different times. That's okay. You'll feel less push-back from them and you'll still be getting something done. Just remember, they may be holding onto things because they may not feel confident in their memories of where they came from and are afraid they may throw away something important. Here's where the conversations help. Now you can label that hand-painted pitcher as the artwork of great-grandmother Bertha. Now you and anyone else handling estate issues in the future know of its history or importance. Respect is key.