Mom asks the same questions 10-15 times per hour. How should I respond?

My mom has Alzheimer’s with about a 3-5 minute memory. (Assisted living last year didn’t work, so my brother and I have been tag-teaming every few weeks so that one of us stays with her 24/7 to keep her at home ~ and save $$ in case she has to go into memory care or nursing home.)

So, we often experience the looping of the same few questions over and over. I just answer each one as if it’s the first time she asked. At first it was pretty frustrating, but we are so used to it by now that it’s almost routine and expected.

We have found that she gets especially anxious when she has an appointment or something scheduled. She sees it on the calendar and starts looping questions (who am I seeing? why? where is it? do you know how to get there? etc.).

What has helped is writing her schedule for each day on a sheet of paper and taping it to the kitchen table, where she sits most of the time. We include time (including our departure time), appointment (dr/specialty), location, etc ~ so when she starts looping, we tell her refer to her schedule.

It’s definitely not easy ... but trying to find some hacks amid the crazy chaos helps.

Best of luck!!

Normal aging.
Give answer you feel comfortable repeating as well. Sometimes you can redirect.
Dad asks about others that have died, especially repeating about how mom died is painful.
Dad loves Elvis songs and they do put his mind in a quieter places...especially the hymns.

It is heartbreaking but I did answer
each. Where is Mama? Is this my house? I did say her Mama and siblings were fine and happy. That seemed to help.
Also tried to get her interested in tv
show to talk about. That worked better to get her mind off family that
have passed.

To the best of my experience, this is their attempt to stay engaged with the outside world as long as they can. I use the questions to cue me as to what I should be asking them. These are the things they care about.

As several mentioned, best to keep any answers you do provide as short as possible. Sometimes yes/no won't suffice, but keep the response as simple as possible. If possible, use some humor. Redirect/refocus sometimes helps.

My YB used to drone on and on, providing way too much information. Between hearing loss and dementia, it was pointless. Maybe he just likes to hear himself talk! Not long after he'd finish his response, she'd ask again. I asked why he uses such a long response, but didn't really get an answer. That might work with kids, as they get older and can process explanations, but not with dementia!

My father has vascular dementia. He is an amazing man with a great sense of humor. He may ask me the same question several times a day. I have found it helpful to keep answers short and brief. Then I pause to have a moment of silence to allow him to process and respond. If he continues to repeat, I may distract him. He has taught me to have a greater sense of understanding and compassion.
Best wishes to you during this journey.

Try to answer in yes or no answers. If you can't then answer her a few times. If she's caught in a loop of asking over and over again, answer her by saying you've already answered that question and will not be discussing it again.
The question about her husband dying is different. You could use a little white lie about that one so she doesn't get upset. I worked for a lady who would ask about her husband who died every few minutes. We used to tell her that he's in rehab and can't come home yet. If we'd answered that a dozen times in a matter of minutes, we would stop answering it that day and she would stop asking it. Same with the other questions.

In my experience patience goes a long way. I would answer her questions short and sweet. My mother will call me 5-6 times in one sitting. I check on her and answer her questions. I think she is calling me because she is insecure, it usually happens at night at times. One family member will sit with her until she fall asleep now and we keep a night light on. UTI's can play a role with confusion and if anything out of the ordinary I would get her tested.

I also wanted to mention music. We have a station here on ROKU called Christian TV. It has a section called Moments of Peace. It has the most breathtaking scenes and it’s all instrumental music. It really calms and distracts my mom and I often sit with her and sing the songs for her and we talk about the scenes. Best part is it plays for about 20 hours!

This has been a godsend for me. I like you have answered the same questions hundreds of times. My mom’s memory is about 10 seconds. One day I decided to make her a laminated sheet all about her and the questions she asked the most. When I’ve answered them all I care to I simply give her the sheet and she can read it as many times as she likes. Hope this helps!

You can be caring and kind and also have some sort of boundary, if she asks more than two or 3 times some therapists advise using the tact of cheerfully saying something non committal such as “I know, mom- oh look at this the paper says it might rain later” it’s a way to get their mind off the track it’s stuck on- if one considers how being stuck on one question in anxiety isnt helpful to her or you, a gentle tactful redirection to other topics is a way of redirecting out of the spiral of fixating on the thing they’re stuck on at that moment, and also provides some relief however small for you, it’s like turning to a new page

There are some great answers here! One of the most profound ideas I’ve learned in working with people who have dementia is to not try to bring the person into our world (Reality), instead go into their world. We can learn so much about what they are feeling or thinking and can therefore better figure ways to interact and influence behaviors.

Just an additional thought: are these questions a product of anxiety? For example, is she afraid her husband has died and what that means or similar anxiety. questions. You might be able to extend the conversation as in “Yes he died. How does that make you feel?. Are you missing him?” ETC. You might try for a conversation to root out the fear/sadness or whatever. If the anxiety is too much, sometimes an activity can help or a mild anti anxiety medication. If sadness/grief perhaps low dose Zoloft would help. But as other have noted, she simply cannot hold on to your answers. Posting the questions and the answers might help if she can read. In homes and hospitals they post, day, date and time. You could post “Dad died on such and such a date”. You could record answers to frequent questions and play them back just to keep you from having to reply every time. I know it is crazy- making for ordinary human caretakers but in a home she would be ignored and frightened in her final days.

Answering her is also respecting her. Despite the repetition she truly cannot remember and she will only get very anxious if people don't answer or if she is repeatedly told that you already answered that question five times. Her inability to remember will, most likely, get worse. Just try to act friendly and loving despite both your sadness that your mom has lost some of her cognitive functioning and the annoyance. This is a hard lesson to learn but it will make both of your lives better if you just commit yourself to patience, positiveness, re-answering questions, try to redirect her attention to an activity or what you see out the window or look at old photos and talk about them, etc. Best of luck.

You are elgible for a psychologist....medicare covers "adjusting to loss". Most often you get it from a hospice group...but is available elsware. "How to handle" what you are saying will wear you down as you are "bonded" with your mother and will never loose that physical and mental relationship as long as she lives. You will always have that relationship in your mind. If you and your husband see what you are doing as a necessity, you need to talk or get counseling and that is the "why" need for a psychologist.

I have gone through this with my mother and now my husband. 13 years ago with my mother, as it started to drive me crazy, I knew I had to change because I knew she couldn’t. I decided if a person came into the room and asked a question, I would answer, if even 10 people came into the room and asked the same question, I would think nothing in answering them. So I handled it that way each time. And now do the same with my husband. I also agree with things he says, even if it’s just one or two words. “Ok”, “I don’t remember“, “Maybe”, etc. along with redirecting him or I leave the room. The main thing is to keep calm and respond in a calm voice.
keep it short, sweet and simple.

I understand what you are going through with your mom right now because I am doing the same thing with husband right now. He has suffered short-term memory loss from three diabetic seizures about 7 years ago. Now at 76 his is experiencing dementia too. So he asked he over and over the same questions and I just politely answer him and not get mad at him. Like your mother she doesn't realize that she is repeating these same things over and over. Just think of it this way if you were the person who has forgot would you want a kind approach or an angry one. Try your best to be kind and take deep breaths before each repeat question.

You answer or you deal w/anger. Not sure how she puts the question to you about who husband is, but if she is remembering just a name - like, who was Sam - you might get away with saying I don't know. That would be a briefer conversation if you get the same question over and over. For some questions, like the cat, turn question back on her - where does the cat stay all the time?

You have to come up with some kind of answer, so use "I don't know/not sure' as often as you can.

Someone else mentioned writing some things down. My grandmother got really confused one day and couldn't remember who had died and who was still living. I made her a list of all the immediate relatives and some more distant that she asked about. Had birthdays on it and a column if they were dead with the date. She referred to it often

Having lived through 10 years of dementia and then Alzheimers, I experienced the daily questions, some that were so far out I was not always able to answer. I tried to show him answers (our wedding pictures, and ones throughout the years; some important papers he initiated), and so on. There were many times I did not do housekeeping in order to sit with him and answer questions. I did have cleaning lady every 2 weeks, so cleaning was not an issue, just daily pick-up of papers, meal dishes, etc. He continued with his "job" of many years--cleaning dinner dishes, pots and pans, table, wiping counters. When he asked questions, I answered him, not worrying about fixing the checkbook until he took his daily naps, or running to the store, answering questions turned out to be all day when he was awake. Another way to keep him happy and interested in life, we visited a new ice cream shop, and he got his treat of his favorite ice cream every day. He was like a little kid, but a well behaved kid. In other words, I changed my life to take care of his. I didn't suffer. I took time during his many naps during the morning and afternoon to attend caregiver support groups (weekly and once a month), which helped me to care for him. While he slept I changed sheets, hung up laundry on hangers, picked up the family room, did computer work, wrote checks, etc. Sometimes when he wasn't sleeping I could get him to put papers away or throw them out. He hardly forgot to play Solitaire on his computer, so that was good, too, as his mind was thinking, despite being repetitious, it was keeping him busy. Later, when a first, new facility opened in our town, I enrolled him in Adult Day Care, letting me to shop, go to a luncheon or caregiving meeting, without worrying about him. I limited his hours to 4 hours, so he wouldn't become angry or think I abandoned him. I was told he mostly looked out the window looking for my car. But he did participate in some activities. He turned out to be a great "colorer", creating good pictures, which I still having hanging in my spare room. His colored picture of a bull dog is outstanding, right colors, shading, expressions and in the lines. This in he last 2 years of his life.
If you can afford at least a house cleaner only 1 x a month, it's better than none, keep up odds and ends during the day, take time with loved one to have fun, putting puzzles together, coloring, going over old pictures, going for ice cream (so what if it has cholesterol, they're old--let him/her enjoy life to the end).

Really you should answer, calmly, every time she asks. I like ArtistDaughter's idea of giving different answers each time, And I love the story of her mother talking about what that little 3 year old girl was thinking. That really would be fascinating.
And listening to a mother's stories would be wonderful time spent in her world.

When you say your mother "knows" the cat is in the yard or any other thing you assume she "knows," she really does not know that a minute later. Answers and knowing are more like quick flashes which immediately disappear.

Good luck. Take a deep breath and answer patiently. Maybe sing the answers and they might stick in her awareness a little longer.

My Mom does the same. She gets fixated on one thing. I usually ask her a question or change the subjects and she quickly follows the new thread.
Things I want her to remember, I type out the information. For example, when she was quarantined with C-Diff at her assisted living, I gave her a chart with her name on it, to remind her what she had and how contagious it was and what is was.
She does so much better with printed reminders, names on pictures etc.

I eventually got used to the repetitions. At first it drove me nuts. I started giving different answers to the same question just to amuse myself. Yesterday I observed, through my mom's assisted living window, her looking at a photo of herself at 3 years old. She over and over asked who the girl is the picture is. I'd say it's you Mom, then she'd go into long stories of what the little girl was thinking. This went on for 30 minutes. I actually found it fascinating. 8 years ago I would have gotten really sad for her and tired of it.

On your profile you wrote: "My sister and I are taking care of our mom. My sister has been living with my mom since mom's husband passed away 3 months ago. We need assistance with moving our Mom into a facility. She refuses to go. She has advanced dementia and cannot live [alone]."

I assume you are sitting with your mother during the day and that's when she asks all these questions? I could not handle it, and it sounds as though you are having a difficult time with it as well. Regardless of whether it's you or your sister who are being peppered with these incessant questions, I would make an appointment with her doctor and see if any of the medications - donepezil, galantamine, rivastigmine - might be helpful in getting her brain quieted enough.

Your mother is no longer capable of making decisions such as going to a facility. Her refusal to go does not mean that you and your sister have to agree to it. I hope that one of you has durable power of attorney both medical and financial so that you have the authority to make the necessary changes as her Alzheimer's gets worse. And it will only get worse. This is so hard and I hope that you and your sister find agreement on solutions to this difficult situation.

Some good suggestions have been made. I know it gets annoying when they get something stuck in their head and keep saying or asking the same things over and over. It was what initially made me realize something was wrong. I knew nothing about dementia, so I had to start looking things up. In retrospect, there were a few subtle, very subtle signs prior to the repetition, but she was living by herself then and it was odd but didn't raise any flags. Not until the repetition, usually on the phone.

If you have the patience, you can just keep answering the questions as best you can. Sometimes it might take some bending of the truth, aka little white lies. In the case of her husband, if it upsets her to be told he has died, make up something. It can be dependent on how the question is asked. When my mother would ask if I had seen or talked to someone, mother, sister, etc, I would just say not recently. That IS the truth. The first time her mother came up, she was 9 months into MC, and asked if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Errr, quick thinking, looked at my watch, said it was a little late in the day and not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. She said Okay. I didn't plan for that, as I wasn't aware she was focused on her mother (gone 40+ years.) The good thing about my answer is it didn't upset her (being told her mother is gone) AND left the "door" open for later. Usually by the next visit she'd forgotten that, but sometime later she might ask about her again.

Some will say tell them the truth. Sure, as long as it doesn't upset them, that's fine. But, why tell someone over and over someone is dead and bring on pain every single time?

Instead of answering over and over, you can attempt to redirect focus. I liken this to a scratch on a record, where it keeps playing the same thing over and over, until you can nudge it past the scratch. Then it goes on until the next scratch!

Definitely avoid correcting her, telling her you already told her, arguing with her. It will only frustrate and anger one or both of you!

In the examples you've given, here are some ideas:

"She typically ask if her husband died..."
This is a tough one. IF she accepts and doesn't take the news hard, you can say yes. Otherwise, turn it around and ask HER questions about him. Where do you think he might be? When did you meet him? What did you do on dates? Etc. If you can get her focus on some older memories, she might forget her question.
Others have been asked where he is - answers can be vague, like out, or more specific, like at work, running errands, etc. It does seem wrong to "lie" and make up stuff, but if it keeps them calm and you can "push" them on to something else, why not?

"Later she may ask who he was."
Easy enough to say he was an old boyfriend or even just a friend. Then try to change the subject or focus onto a task.

"Another day it may be where is my cat?"
Although it may seem obvious that she knows the cat is outside, in her mind the cat is "missing." You can say something like s/he is sleeping somewhere, or hunting mice, playing with others - anything that might satisfy her. If she doesn't accept that, you can ask her to help you look for the cat, check all the usual hiding places to keep her "busy" and perhaps finally look outside and say AHA, there s/he is!

It is challenging, like having a toddler who always asks the same things over and over! As you get better at finding plausible answers and/or ways to redirect her focus (nudging past that "scratch"), it will get easier for you. The last time my mother did that when I was able to visit, I finally looked at a staff member and asked her how do I change this channel??? I've found that trying to answer "sensibly" often doesn't work. She had a sale flyer in her hand and kept saying she liked this pair of shoes and it's only $20! I used my phone to look up similar ones on the WM site and they were $10, which she was happy about, but kept going back to the flyer.

Answer as if it is the first time she has asked the question, as she is unable to retain the answer. Redirect to another subject to interrupt the repetitive cycle. Use humor as much as possible and speak as kindly as you can.

Imho, I learned a long time ago to not say something akin to "You already said that" since they cannot help it. Prayers sent.

I work on this each time I see my Mom. My poor Dad has to deal with this 24/7/365 - not sure how he does it. Well, actually I do. He doesn't deal with it. He ishaving a hard time with his caretaker needed the care taking now.
My therapist explained it to me this way - it's like new information hits her forehead and falls to the floor, it never makes it into the part of the brain where memory happens. The old memories are there for now, but new stuff can't get in. That makes it easier for me to be a little more compassionate. But it's so sad. To answer the question, I agree with many who said to answer her, maybe change it up a little, and HUMOR. I really feel humor is a savior. While the situation isn't funny, I think a little humor sometimes is a Godsend. My Mom still has her sense of humor, so I do try to bring that out during our visits. It seems to work for both of us.
This is a hard disease to comprehend, at least sometimes it is for me. It's hard to understand how she doesn't know the obvious (today she asked me what date Halloween was or the other day she asked where I was going to have my garage sale, that we both had a laugh at)but when I think of the whole "new info hitting and falling to the floor", I kind of get it. Good luck to you in your journey.

Her brain is "stuck in gear" when she asks the same question over and over. Answer as if it is the first time she asked. THEN, try to divert her attention to something else: an activity, music played on the radio, a simple task, a new topic of conversation.

Every time my mom asks a question, I answer as if it's the first time she's asked. My mom--who is 92 and has Vascular Dementia--has maintained her sense of humor, so I'm able to joke with her a bit in my answers, which make her laugh and seem to break the cycle. For instance, if she is in a good mood and asks "What's for dinner?" the first time I'll answer "pot roast" the next time might be "brontosaurus burgers" or "elephant toes". She gets a kick out of that and will sometimes respond with something like, "Oh good--I'm really hungry!" and we both laugh (which I love to hear!). For other questions, I'll do the same, whether it's "where are we going?" (she gets a kick out of my response of "to the moon, Alice, to the moon!") or "why do I have to take these pills?" ("they'll put hair on your chest"). If she's not in a good/joking mood, of course I answer her honestly each time and I always try to re-direct afterwards. My mom and I share the same sense of humor, so this is what works best for us. I hope you can find a way to make things less frustrating for both of you. Hang in there!

I have to find humor in it or it will drive me crazy! My mom's dementia has progressed a lot in the last couple of years so I know exactly what you are going through. I use to consistently tell her she asked me that same question 20 times in 20 minutes and she would tell me I was lying to her and just making things up to make her feel bad. I realized that she really believes that because she can't remember so in her mind it's real. Now I just answer her sometimes with the same answer and other times with a different one just to mix it up a little which helps with my frustration. I find when I ignore her it infuriates her because she feels like she's being ignored so I found a way for both of us to be satisfied. Lol Hang in there and try to find humor in everything. I do frequently have to remind myself that she doesn't have the capability to put thoughts together to try and make me mad or upset and that's what keeps me going. We can't take things personal because they aren't. This is a very hard job and sometimes feels thankless. Good luck to you.