Mom is in an excellent care home. I see her every day. Mom is 90 and has dementia. I managed to keep her in her apartment until last year, when she started falling a lot, and stopped doing anything, she just lay in bed all day and I took over all chores, bill paying etc. After she had several stays in hospital and a nursing home I moved her to a lovely care home 10 minutes away from me, I had been travelling 60 miles each way. She has been there 6 months and cannot settle. She stays in her room and only comes out for meals. Everyone tries on a daily basis to get her to join in the activities or at least sit in the conservatory and look at the garden and chat to people. She won't watch the television in her room or try to do crosswords etc. Despite my endless explanations she cannot retain the information so it all goes in a loop. She gets distressed and cries, calls me up to 10 times a day, packs all her clothes daily and waits for me to call a cab and take her back to her home. I understand that she wants her independence and life as it was but things changed so drastically last year that she was no longer safe. It stresses me so much, I have a very sick husband and the constant calls and questions about leaving are killing me. Will she ever settle?
Look. Stop answering your mother's calls. It isn't just to preserve your sanity: the point is that your answering her repetitive cries for help does nothing to help her. There might be some use to speaking to her reassuringly if she were able to retain what you say; but she just can't. So you're beating yourself up ten times a day without achieving any benefit for her. It's futile.
Instead, why don't you call *her* once a day, at a time that the NH staff suggest as being best, just to remind her that you will be visiting. It will set your mind at rest that she is actually okay, and put you in control of the calls. No harm will come to your mother if you don't always pick up the phone. Let the staff know that this is your plan and they will handle it at your mother's end. Trust them.
What sort of dementia is your mother suffering from? Depending on the type, there are various techniques for handling her upsetting behaviours (upsetting for her as well as you, I realise how terribly sad you must feel for her). You can look for ideas on this forum, learn a great deal from the marvellous Teepa Snow (use the Search Site box), and not least lean heavily on the experienced memory care staff at your mother's care home.
I'm afraid that nothing can change the cruelty of this horrible disease, but there is a great deal of support available for those of us who are forced to watch it devastating our parents' quality of life. My best wishes to you, hoping that you find all the help you need and that your husband is able to recover.