she has a hard time remembering names and places....and it frustrates her....she is very kind and giving, then the next minute says she is tired of helping my sisters..........it is like a yo-yo. She was always so head strong and now seeks approval for everything or either is mean to everyone.
I too had to disconnect to save as much of my sanity as was left. And for what it's worth, there is nothing cruel about refusing to be a slave to someone who is demanding and unappreciative.
And to myagingmom; I guess a relevant question would be- was she always like this? If so, it's a personality issue, if not, it's most likely some sort of dementia issue.
For my aunt, it was a life-long personality issue/mental health issue. I remember my aunt asking 15 people the same question, if that's what it took for someone to give her the answer she wanted to hear. Once someone approved of her terrible idea, she would go ahead with it, and when it blew up in her face, she blamed the person who "told her it was okay".
"Honor thy father and thy mother" can be done while behaving like the responsible adult in the equation. It doesn't say "at any cost no matter what the results will be, even if it harms you," or "even when they are ask the impossible". You may have to step away for a while. You may have to disappoint unrealistic expectations from other people. You can honor her by doing what you can TO THE EXTENT POSSIBLE. Until you become omnipotent, there are just going to be limitations on what is possible.
I got some really good help from an Employee Assistance Program counselor who helped me realize that I still had the "little girl" part of myself seeking emotional approval from disapproving mom. It's never going to happen. She's not capable of acknowledging other people as people and will never give me approval. So I did some mental strengthening exercises to soothe that little girl in me. It really helped a lot. It takes mom a whole lot longer to get in my head and make me feel bad now than it did before. She tries though. Boy, does she try.
You have to give yourself permission (grace) to have boundaries and not allow other people to trample them, even mom and siblings. There has to be forgiveness in the equation to allow yourself to make mistakes and not live with ongoing guilt. You have to love your self to protect yourself, which is not the same as selfishness or greed. It honors no one anywhere to let this destroy your peace of mind, self-esteem, livelihood, and your own relationships with other people. It says nowhere in the Bible that you aren't supposed to stand up for your own well-being when you're being taken advantage of and YOU are being disrespected.
I had to train myself to respect the boundaries around my mental/emotional health. My kids & husband need me too. My employer needs me. I need me to be in one peace all the way through this until the very last.
I would say the faith based advice I have is to pray for strength, protection from the negative, courage of conviction, peace in doing the right things even if mom hates it/you, and to find sources of love and validation somewhere outside that group of people.
@ myagingmom,
a sure sign of dementia is the inability to recollect nouns. its probably easier to despise everthing than to sort it all out. works for me anyway.
Wish I knew what to offer, but I sure do understand.
Give her lots and lots of approval. Let her know that she is still treasured and valued. Cut her slack when she is "mean." Try not to argue with her. Learn about the kind of dementia she has, so you can be better prepared to deal with her behavior.
Come here and vent when you need to. We get it! And if you can join a local support group, that may help a lot.