Mom diagnosed with colon cancer while sibling freaks out. Any advice?
Please help me. I don't know what to do or what NOT to do. My mother who is a 76 year old widow, (lost Dad from bladder cancer 2 yrs ago) was just diagnosed with colon cancer. We are getting her into Sloan Kettering.
Just to give you an idea of the situation…
My partner & I were asked to move into their large home when Dad was first diagnosed with cancer. I work from home, so I was able to take care of them, cook for them and do the necessary things they needed with the help of hospice. When Dad passed away, I began taking my mom shopping, continued making healthy meals and providing companionship, etc.
I have 3 older sisters. Two of them are very business career women. One of them does freelance, just as I do. We both share in taking Mom to the grocery store and medical appointments.
The sister who helps me, as giving as she is, does not do well with stressful situations. When Dad was sick and in the hospital, she had thought that I left my mom alone at night because I failed to answer my phone at 10pm. I was sleeping. When I finally answered, she screamed and said, "I'm coming over and I'm going to kill you!" (She has bipolar disorder and is a heavy drinker.) I had to call the cops and she was outside the house screaming blood curdling cries, as if she was being murdered. She eventually apologized to me, but I had to keep her at arm's length because these types of episodes occurred often.
Mom is a planner. She took out a reverse mortgage on the house, not a lot, but enough for me to buy it out once it's offered to the final heir in the home (me). The equity would wash it up anyway due to the value now. Anyway, it's not something I bring up or talk about, however my sister was here and said, "I'm moving in with my boyfriend and animals and gonna live here!"
#1. She is unstable and scary.
#2. Her boyfriend drinks till he's drawing in his own vomit. (NOT exaggerating!)
#3. They just inherited a million dollars from an old man they decided to take care of in his final years. They do this often.
Now, they want to squeeze my partner and I out of our home and we plan on having a family. I am in the process of trying to get pregnant, have been for a while. She is freaking out because I calmly stated that we needed the room when we do have a baby. Although the house is large, there are only 3 bedrooms due to offices and bedrooms converted into other types of areas.
Because of my refusal to let her move in, she flipped out on me again, but this time, even attacked my partner, who is the sweetest person you'd ever meet. As we were rushing mom up to the ER because she developed a sepsis infection, we texted my sister to let her know where we'll be and what was going on. I could not call her because I was in the back of the ambulance. My partner drove behind us.
When we arrived at the hospital, my sister was drunk and yelling profanities at us, screaming, "I should have gotten a phone call!!!! WTF is wrong with you? I deserve a phone call and not a text!!!!" We. could. not. call. We thought a text would have been enough since she is glued to that phone 24/7. She texted back, so I knew she got it.
ANYWAY, as we were walking into the ER -- she was still fighting with us, even started to push my partner and insulting her family and saying how unfair it was for us to have a child. Security had to cart her out.
Now she apologizes. We BOTH share in the chores of taking care of mom
Question: How do I handle this? I'm scared of her. She's absolutely psychotic and my mother says, "Oh you know how she is, she means well." But to threaten my life, my home, my partner -- isn't that a bit much?
I'm having so much anxiety over this that I haven't slept for almost a week -maybe 3 hours *if*…. It's ruining my health and I'm going into a major depression. I actually don't feel like living anymore because this isn't what LIFE should be like. I feel like she controls everything.
Any advice would be appreciated. I'm hopeless and depressed and not sure if I want to be "HERE" anymore. It's just not worth it. :(
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The reason I say this is because you cannot fix your sister's mental health issues, and you cannot make your mother take those issues seriously. So, let them deal with the consequences. Do not risk your health or your relationship over this, and definitely do not bring a child into this sort of drama.
Your sister doesn't control everything. She's spreads havoc everywhere. When she's drinking. There's a slight (though maybe not significant) difference.
If you want to continue to be your mom's primary caregiver, then, as you recognize, you've got to control your exposure to your sister when she's drinking. (That would be at the very LEAST.) Catch her sober and explain that to her...that she just isn't welcome at your mom's home when she's been drinking.
Now that you know that she expects a phone call and not texts, communicate with her in that way so as not to light her fuse.
It's her fault, of course. But the objective isn't to place blame, it's to go along to get along. If that proves to be impossible, then I would agree with MargaretS. But if I DID get a temporary restraining order, I would follow through with the permanent one...which requires a trip to court. And I would be prepared for her animosity to come back treble-fold.
That would be my last resort . . . after I had carefully considered possible consequences with a couple of drunks and whether or not I wanted to continue in this situation at all. And, by the way, in it with both feet or forget it. If she violates, you call the cops...drunk or sober.
Remember, a restraining order does nothing to protect you. The only purpose it serves is as an aid to law enforcement.
Thing is, we invested so much time and money and work into this house. This is the family house where we want to raise a family. This is the only house that we can actually afford. We pay for everything and renovated so much to accommodate all of us and the plus child to come.
I can't get a restraining order against her because she's my mother's health proxy. I do have two other sisters who will back me up if need be, but the constant fear of her unstableness gives me nightmares. Another issue here, is that my mother HATES to see her daughters at odds. So we made peace and I did so just to ease mom while she's going through this process. And even when she is sober, she is out of her face yelling and screaming at people - doctors, nurses and other medical staff who are only trying to help.
If she acts up again, I will call the police. But, I know it's not an emergency per se -- but maybe just to scare her?
Another factor (sad one is) that she is a very attractive woman - men fall to her feet, literally. So when the cops come and I tell them what happens -- she screams and points at me, "She's bipolar!"
I have never been diagnosed with anything other than anxiety disorder.
I can't lose my family home. This is what was given to me and it came with a hefty price, both financially and emotionally and she has no right to push her way in.
My mother's even scared of her too! But she tolerates her manias because when she is calm, she is the most giving, most nicest person you could ever meet. And then 5 minutes later, BAM --- back to the devil.
Now she is saying, "Well, I'm gonna stay in the spare bedroom while mom gets treatment."
I don't want her here.
Tough situation because right now it's technically not my house…yet. So I don't have say…or do I?
Living in fear…and all I wanna do is take care of my mother. In PEACE. :(
Thanks again for your help.
And, yes, you have the right to file a restraining order on her -- even though she has your mom's healthcare proxy. Which, by the way, I would change TOMORROW. So she's drunk. Who speaks for your mom then??? It only makes SENSE that you hold that position. And, again frankly, your sister doesn't deserve to hold ANY position. She's a drunk. You should take your lil' mom to an attorney and have a new HCPOA set up -- as well as a Durable Power of Attorney -- naming YOU. If she doesn't have a will? Have that drawn up immediately as well. With you or one of your other sisters as Executor. Don't let this go. You're not being selfish. It's my opinion that the person doing the care giving and living with their loved one has the "right" to hold both POAs.
There is no need to discuss this with your sister until it's done. Or...maybe even ever. Your HCPOA will have the latest date . . . game over.
If your mom has an invasive colon cancer, your mom's in for a relatively long and bumpy ride. And she is going to need somebody, pardon the expression, SOBER to help her navigate. And someone who isn't so stressed out by a sibling as to be ready to tear out her hair. Your plate will become very full very fast.
Forget about the house. It is what it is. Hopefully, that will all work out in the end. But don't let her move into the house!!
One more thought: when you're engaging her in front of others, or with cops, be sure you take the high road. She's not a drunk. She's an alcoholic. You must keep your cool or you'll both look nuts. ;)
That should solve the problem of your sister trying to move into your home to help care for Mom.
I still think you should get out of there. If you can't afford your own place to live, this is definitely not the time to have a baby.
You sister self-medicated with booze. That, of course, makes matters worse.
I suggest (from personal experience) that you learn all you can about bi-polar disorder. It will help you understand what to expect from Sis and to realize that some of her behavior is driven by mental illness. (I was amazed at what I learned. It certainly changed my attitude.)
And then take whatever steps you need to to prevent her disease from messing up your life. Love her. Support her. Encourage her. But don't let her run over you.
I'd start with trying to get Mom on board about medical proxy. "Mom, you know how Sis is. She loves you to pieces and she is very concerned about you. She does not handle stress well. In fact, she can't handle it at all. Anytime you would need a healthcare proxy to make decisions for you would be a very stressful time. Sis will fall apart. It isn't fair to her to put her in that position. Let someone else have the stressful responsibility and let Sis just be there as a loving daughter." If Mom agrees, then call a lawyer in to make the changes.
I hope you can avoid a restraining order, It would be good for all concerned if Sis can continue helping with Mom's care. But do what you have to do to protect Mom's peaceful environment and your own sanity.
My brother's behavior became far more conventional once he stopped drinking and is in continuing therapy. But he is still bi-polar. He is very close to our mother and very protective of her (and very good in dealing with her). He has had a few outbursts in the hospital and the nursing home. My sisters and I explained his situation to staff from the very beginning and also told them not to consider him a family spokesperson. He has apologized after each outburst, and whichever sister was on hand also assured the staff person that the rest of us did not consider mother's fall their fault or whatever the outburst was about. So far he is still welcome there as a visitor. And that is good for Mom (who knows nothing about these outbursts).
It is very hard having a mother with cancer. It is very hard having a sister with mental illness. Cherish all the positive things in your life, like a supportive partner and plans for a family. Take care of yourself. This might mean a few sessions with a counselor to sort out your mixed feelings/responsibilities.
I wish you the very best. Please keep us informed.
Reverse-mortgage lenders normally allow inheritors of reverse-mortgaged homes three to 12 months to pay off those mortgages.
the only comment i have on your family situation is ; i think to a degree were all nuts .
i only noticed that you dont own any of the mayhem . i call BS on that .
when i finger point at the nut cases around me i usually try to be honest about my shortcomings too .
One step at a time, my friend. It works.
To say that you call "BS" on my well-being just because I am depressed and want to give up is just more fuel to make me want to slice my jugular. People like you make others want to kill themselves.
Goodbye.
And thank you.
Go 'head, come to my house and find me…DEAD!
I'm going to copy you on your email.
Think of how your killing yourself would affect your mom. She'd think it's her fault.
Call your local hotline and tell them that you are suicidal. Get professional help. I have all the compassion in the world for anyone with mental health issues, but they cannot be allowed to threaten others as your sister does you. Call the police when your sister attacks. If she says you are bipolar, give them the names of doctors who can testify to the truth.
Change the locks on the doors. Get legal help from an elder law attorney to try to get the health proxy away from your sister if your mom can't see that she needs to do this.
Because you love your mom, you may have to do as freqflyer suggests and move her mom to assisted living. Then there would be people to intervene with your sister's behavior.
The bottom line is killing yourself is the worst thing you can do to your mom. She would blame herself forever. Please get professional help to guide you through this. Keep talking to us, as well, but professional help first. Okay?
Carol
As far as your sister, next time and any time she shows up in manic mode making threats, call 911 and tell them you need an ambulance. You are afraid your sister is going to hurt someone or herself. EMT will come with police and take her to the hospital. It doesn't matter how cute she looks, behavior counts here. She is mentally ill. Sister needs to be seen by a psychiatrist and get on proper medication. Before the alcohol problem can be addressed, her mental condition needs to be dealt with first.
The easiest thing to do is just move out and care for your Mom on an as needed basis while avoiding your sister as much as possible. I wish you all the best!
He just stared at me because I appeared "put together".
I'm not.
I pay $1,000 a month, plus utilities and groceries and other things that are needed to stay in this house. We're old school Italians - so putting Mom in assisted living would just kill her. She is a feisty little thing and it's just not for her. That's really not an option and we don't have the money for it.
Change therapists - I've heard that too. I can't. The other therapists want $100 or more out of my pocket and that's a sliding scale. Unfortunately, nobody wants to deal with anyone who has mental illness who doesn't have the cash to throw out. I'm stuck.
My psychiatrist (therapist) warns me that if I ever went into the hospital and said, "I wanna kill myself" - that I would be carted to a rundown facility where they would only medicate me to the point of unconsciousness. I don't want that either. This is what they do at those places.
I DON'T want to be here, yet I'm too much of a coward to do it anyway. I had one attempt that just failed miserable which was humiliating.
I can't afford to move out. I can't afford anything. I can't afford to rent a regular apartment with my partner because they're all like $2,000 and up. We're stuck. My sister fortunately inherited a million dollars because she decided to take it upon herself to care for a 95 year old sick man. She has done this before and inherited a lot from that gig too. She walks around with Louis Vuitton bags, shoes, etc., BMWs, Jimmy Choos and screams "poverty". All I want in life, is a home. A humble home with my partner, my future kids (if that ever happens) and peace. PEACE. But some of you are so right. If I take this home, she will always have a dig in this place since it is our childhood home.
The mere thought of her sucking down two large bottles of cheap wine every night while her live in boyfriend (who is 60 now) drinks till morning till night is frightening. He starts fights at family functions and later on, he's found passed out somewhere and never remembers the incidents.
We went through the same scenario a few years ago when Dad was diagnosed with cancer. She flipped her lid all the time where I had to stay at my in laws for a while.
Oh, and another thing - God forbid my partner and I go away for 1 week out of the year --- people (family) are scattering around trying to do all that we do around here, from staying with Mom to cooking for Mom from keeping her company and making sure things are clean and tidy. I also get the third degree when and if I do take a week with my partner - as if it wasn't an option - as if we were doing something SO wrong. We're both very hard workers, we both work hard career-wise to make ends meet as well as work our butts off trying to maintain this house and keep it running.
I'm so overwhelmed, and I can't even get good help psychiatrically. I totally HEAR you loud and clear, "GET HELP" - believe me, I would LOVE help. Help isn't available unless you're rich around here. I don't want to be thrown in some psyche ward - I don't belong there because I WANT the help but it's easier said than done.
Then again, maybe it would be a nice vacation for me…? o_O
I don't sleep at night - ever. I'm still here. I'm still alive. I pray to God, but I feel like He's given up on me as well. I'm incredibly sad and I am sorry for this pity party I'm having on here. All of you are caretakers as well, which is why I needed your advice because you're all going through your own stuff.
Anyway, thank you. I'm sorry. :(
As for a restraining order, when you say you "can't" get it, do you mean you "can't bring myself to do it" or "can't legally do this because my lawyer says I can't" because I think it's possible for one person to have a restraining order where someone else they live with doesn't. You should look into it, at least.
As for your sister's blaming you, I went through something similar. I have a relative who has a mental problem and who actually just says everyone else has their problems. So,, this person is forgetful and narcissistic and goes around claiming other family members have these problems. Then, you feel like it's a matter of two people telling the same story - who should be believed? - and you feel stressed about that, I know I did. I've dealt with this for awhile, I keep copies of police reports and other documentation. People like the hospital staff, other health care providers, even the police, do notice some of what's going on, and some of this might make it into some of the records, like the police reports. If one person is shrieking and drunk and threatening, they are often more likely to be considered to be a threat than the one shaking and looking scared.
Could you or would you want to get a social worker involved? Some geriatric clinics and health systems have social workers that can help you work through this and give advice, although a lawyer would be the person to talk to about the details of a restraining order in your state.
Call your local senior services and/or hospice for an evaluation of your Mother. They can provide help during the day and respite care. There are plenty of options, you just have to reach out..
Since you have choose that your Mother not to go into independent or assistant living, you will have to take the responsibilities of ~your~ choice.... meaning you will be carrying for your Mom 24/7 with no breaks, no weekends away, etc. Doesn't matter if you are old school Italian or old school Irish or German. And if your Mom is as feisty as your say, she would love to be around people of her own age, making new best friends, etc. as assistant living.... she might even find an old friend she knows for decades ago.
A generation or two ago families cared for their parents at home but parents lived only to on average 75, not 90 and 100 like we see today... thus the Caregivers today are senior citizens trying very hard to care for older senior citizens, and that is terribly exhausting.
With a house as large as your Mother's wouldn't there be an option of her selling her home and use whatever equity is available for continuing care facility? Once those funds run out, you can check on Medicaid.
As for your partner and you living a new place, even a couple who both work minimum wage jobs are able to find living quarters. Sometimes one has to work two jobs to make life better.
Mom has a lot of family - she is able but declining slowly. The only thing she cannot do is drive. Other than that, she is a very capable woman, but needs help here and there, like cleaning the house, taking her shopping and making sure there is a healthy meal made. I have no problem doing that. She does not like people her own age - she looks like she's only 60. But, her health has declined, but she really does not belong in a nursing home or assisted living and she would just die. So it's not an option unless she totally forgets our names.
And the advice about working two jobs? My partner works 12 hour days and only gets one day off per week. I work from home and travel into the city for meetings from time to time, but I cannot take on another job due to caring for my mother as well as having my career first. I make more than minimum wage thank God, but there's a lot of expenses as you know.
Littletonway -- I was thinking about having a caregiver, (we'll tell Mom it's the maid) lol, come in for a few hours or do things that we are unable to do. Great idea - we spoke of that actually. We're trying to find out if Medicare can pay for some of that. Hospice is not an option and today, (GOOD NEWS), her tumor is so small that they are removing it completely and the doctors just reported that she is expected to be in full remission and also stated, she is in "great health". THAT, made me happy.
I'm going to look into dipping into my 401k along with my partner to see if we can put a down payment on a home. Someone said something I suspected - that perhaps my mother is playing the both sisters because she's scared to live alone. I think that may be it. Not sure. But I really need to move on with my life, but I am so scared that it may upset my mother. She's my best friend and I don't want to make her sad.
The problem with getting proper mental health is that they don't accept many insurances, and out of pocket is just outrageous. I can't and won't afford it.
And Geo, when I said I "can't" get a restraining order… I meant, if I did get one, that means that my sister wouldn't be able to come over and help Mom, which helps me when I'm working. So, it's a catch 22. Know what I mean? So on one hand, it helps, and on the other, it just stinks. I can't prevent my sister from seeing her own mother. Just doesn't sit well with me.
I just want to hide in my OWN home somewhere else, which may be the next step once I look at my messy financial situation.
Thanks again for listening to me whine. Enough to make me wanna "wine".
Well, I'm alive, I'm going to try. Thanks for all your help and again I am so sorry for bothering you with all this. But, you've been a big help with some great ideas.
Thank you.
Since you don't want to make any changes, as so many of us had suggested, you will need to find a way to keep status quo.
As for going into your 401(k) for a down payment on a house..... it is probably unwise to use your retirement funds. Read this before doing anything like that: