My mom was on hospice and had a very challenging Saturday evening. I gave her meds to calm her down and she fell asleep. I'd been up with her the night before and was running on very little sleep. I fell asleep after 10pm and when I woke up at 3 am she had died. I don't know exactly when it happened (was it the 20th or 21st??) I was in the room with her but was not holding her hand. She looked exactly like she did when I fell asleep so I'm sure she just drifted off but I can't get over that I don't know exactly when it happened. Since she was on hospice they just swooped in and took care of everything. She was my best friend. How can I possibly get over the fact I was asleep when it happened? Thank you for all of the support.
So on the day she eventually died I visited with her for 4 hrs. and then went home thinking well they've been saying this for almost a week. It probably won't be today. As it turned out the last day I visited her she died 4 hours after I left.
I felt guilty like you do but then everyone kept saying she probably didn't want you to be there and now I think they were probably right.
Jillie your mother knows you were there and she knows you loved her. She is not in heaven shaking her finger at you and saying why were you asleep. She is looking down on you with love and admiration. Trust me.
Try not to get hung up on the fact that you weren't wide awake and holding your mom's hand when she died. My dad was on hospice. I was working 12-hour shifts and visiting him in the nursing home everyday. I was exhausted. Coming off another 12-hour shift I almost took the exit that would lead me to my dad's nursing home when I made the decision to see him the next day instead. I had another 12-hour shift the next day and I wanted to go home and go to bed. After I got home and right before I went to bed I called the NH to check on my dad and they told he had died about half and hour ago. Had I stopped on my way home I would have been with him when he died. As it was, he was alone when he died.
You were in the same room with your mom when she died. She wasn't alone. You were exhausted and needed sleep. There's nothing to feel guilty about. I had to let go of my guilt over not being with my dad when he died or else it would have destroyed me.
There's no way we can know the exact time when our loved ones are going to die. It's impossible to know that. You could have just as easily been in the shower or on the phone or down at your local grocery store when your mom died. Life has to go on while our loved ones are on hospice. I work in home healthcare and I've worked many hospice cases. I have yet to see a family whose lives are on hold while their loved one is on hospice. They come in and go out, sometimes they stay for a while, sometimes they don't. They stop by after work, they skip a day so they can get some things done....We can't know when it's time. There's no way we can know that. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. How were you supposed to know?