Mom and Dad live at home. Mom is 82, Dad is 87. She has always badgered him but it has become severe. She rages for hours at a time, then acts like it did not happen. No remorse. She will NOT see any doctors - they do not know anything. Her decision making is poor but she still drives. She recently announced she needs to move back to the area she lived until about age 50, 500 miles from where they are now. She says she won't go unless Dad does, or until he passes. She fantasizes about how her old friends want to be with her. We want to move her back there to an IL with memory care. Planning it now and want to send her off within 24 hours of telling her. Are going to approach it in a positive spin, that we are honoring her wishes and getting her there while she is still able. Dad wants to stay home and is perfectly able now.
Dad is very fearful of her and that she will go into a rage at him if we drop it on her.
Reading a lot on this site about her rights, but what about his to live the rest of his life without the abuse? Should we file a complaint with Adult Protective against her first? We just want to peacefully separate them and think we can convince her to go. We just don't think giving her a lot of time is wise - we would have to remove him from the home temporarily if we do.
This is a situation where you need an outside evaluation. First, it will help you to see that neither you nor your dad are crazy; second, it might make an impression on your mom. In our area, I was able to have this done by an outside observer from the Area Agency on Aging. It was her opinion that my mom needed to be in AL. From that point on, it was much easier for me to talk about things as if I wasn't he bad guy making the decisions and doing wrong. I also had my mom's doctor on board. Do you have people on board to support you with your plans?
You might want to think about A) discussing this with your dad. If you get him on board, and then half the battle is won. B) what about having your Dad move out--even just temporarily. He could do a respite--that would give him a break and might make an impression on her. Or not--if she is far down the road as is the case for many on this site. for sure, have him out of there when you move your mom. He does not need to experience that.
It really does sound like your mom needs meds to calm her down and adjust her mood. But if she won't go to the doctor... You need to get her attention somehow. I agree with freqflyer, that a trip to the ER might help. It would get her some medical attention and a referral, I am sure. It might also get her attention.
Good luck and stay in touch. Let us know how it is going.
If she still bulks at going to the doctor, try some over-the-counter UTI control pills, such as AZO, until you can get her to a doctor. I assume she's not on any type of prescription meds since she doesn't go to a doctor.
In some cases, grown children had to call 911 and a trip to the ER when a parent was raging to find out what medically was going on.