My 88-year-old Mom lives alone, can not drive, is in poor health, and has age-related dementia. She is not interested in AL and insists on remaining in her home. I live close by and have been her go-to person for several years now. She asks for my help or for me to visit her almost daily. I've tried to set healthy boundaries with her over the years and have been pretty successful. However, lately Mom is becoming more and more resentful of me not doing what she asks. At first she was very understanding and would say for me to help when I could. Now she makes sarcastic and sometimes childish remarks when I tell her "no", and frequently becomes angry. She doesn't do this to anyone else but me. She is sweet to everyone when I take her places and is very appreciative of anything someone else does for her, especially my siblings (who seldom even visit Mom). But, she told me the other day that I need to "step up" and do more for her. She even told me that she raised me poorly because of "bad attitude."
Does anyone have advice on how I should deal with this? I would love to explain to her that her snarkyness makes me want to do even less for her and with her.
You NEVER need to let yourself be bullied and that is what she is doing. Everyone else sees her as a dear old saint, right? That's abuse. Don't take it. You can call Adult Protective and get them to visit with you sometime - say to mom, these are some friends I've invited over. Get them to evaluate her and see what kind of plan they can come up with for her. This is free. The trick is to get them inside the house to chat with you both.
Step back. Save yourself.
How would you explain to anybody else that if they are rude and disagreeable you naturally will want to avoid them? I should do that, and stick to it.
To me, it sounds as if your mother is beginning to become fearful and panicky about how often she needs help, and how many things she needs help with; and it is easier to be bad-tempered, as a way of blaming somebody else - which is usually the nearest person, which happens to be you - than it is to look your own situation in the eye and face up to your changing abilities.
What are the demands that you're increasingly having to say no to?
Thank you for your insight. I'm sure a lot of my Mom's anger is fear-based, but I had not thought about it in that way before.
Thank you.
Have a session with her, complete with pencil and paper, and ask her to tell you all the things that people actually do for her that are helpful and/or she appreciates. Make lists under each person’s name. Write out a fair copy of the lists and show her, when she gets snarky. Your list is going to be the longest by far, and you can tell her that she provided all the information and agreed it.
If you want, another time ask about things that people actually do that make her cross, and make lists under each person’s name. Not things that aren’t done, things that are actually done that annoy her.
Some people have talked about having a written record of things that have been ‘agreed’ to show the angry parent, to stop each flow of complaints. Perhaps this list would have the same effect. Anyway, it might be therapeutic for you to see the scale of what you are doing compared with the siblings and others. Perhaps you even show other people, if they seem to believe her complaints.
I like lists and charts and graphs. A number/logic person I am. Hehe. Make things so much easier to visualize and understand. And it's hard to argue when it's all in black and white.
But then with dementia people, all bets are off.
But it's worth a try.
I am arguing with myself here.
"We can talk about that another time", "Do you want your lunch now?"
"Can you put your request on a list, for later?"
Study diversionary tactics.
Sorry, I am not good at using tactics, so don't have any more.
Bring help in, so that you won't get resentful.
The first thing to do I believe is to realize the situation has changed, which is a sign for you to pay extreme attention to make sure any changes needed are made timely, for example, if there is a need to change her living situation and get in house help, for example. Her aged related dementia seems to definitely be getting worse.
Secondly, please keep in mind that she cannot help her behavior, it is not just the result of an unpleasant personality. It is the result of an illness. If you really understand this, her behavior won’t bother or hurt you as much. Don’t try to understand logically what has no logic! Just take on your parent-like role and treat her lovingly, kindly, and still, respect your boundaries, just learn to humor her instead of confrontimg her.
if she says something hurtful such as that you need to step up, just say something like ‘Mom, I’m so sorry you feel that I’m not doing enough to help you, trust me I’m trying my best. I will do what you need as soon as I have a chance. And I love you!’
If her response is negative don’t engage in any further arguments, don’t feed her need to be confrontational. Just remain quiet. She will get over it, and you will save yourself a sad, annoying AND Pointless argument.
Best of luck LM1984! Breathe, breathe and breathe!!!
Is there some reason why your mother thinks you are responsible for her? Are you her POA? Do you handle her finances?
You could try giving her a list of the things you are willing to do and ones you aren’t. When she asks how to get the other things done, perhaps you will be willing to help her find a housekeeper or other senior services she may need.
If her home is becoming too much for her to manage it might be time to downsize.