Mom going into nursing home. Step-dad handling her rentals. What can I do?

It's chaos. Why do you have to get involved?

The thing is. You say "My mother hates me and has for a long long time. I have accepted this fact."

If you've accepted this fact, accepted that your mother has intentionally, deliberately and consistently excluded you, why can't you just leave it be?

If I were to ask: "is it because you aren't prepared to stand by while your stepfather and his staff rob you in advance?" I'm not accusing you of being mercenary; just of being quite rightly unwilling to be taken for a complete fool.

But then that returns you to square one: a hopelessly chaotic situation in which you have no authority to intervene.

This is your mother's doing, you don't have any rights because she hasn't given you any, she and your stepfather are in a muddle of their own making. And if you end up being the loser...

I just don't see what you can do about it.

And even if the worse came to the very, very worst and your mother's care fees started going unpaid and she herself were destitute...

Well. Again. It would be her choices leading to her consequences to bear.

Oops, Yes, I mean Living Trust.

I assume you mean a Living Trust?

My mother has a living will. At this moment in time I will inherit all that she has. Her husband will only get her life insurance policies. The homes that the two of them mutually have, after my mother is gone, then my step dad will receive all of the income from those rentals until his death. Once he passes, then all of the properties are to be sold and I will get 1/2 of the proceeds from those properties.

Willen, thanks for the explanations. Something that occurred to me, which you might be able to address now if your mother agrees to your access, is to determine how the investments pass at death, i.e., if they're titled with your mother and stepfather jointly with survivorship rights, he'll inherit those investments. If they're in trust, the successor trustee would segue into the management role of those assets.

Given her wealth, I think this is worth investigation.

My mother actually is a millionaire, and she has done that by scrimping and saving all of her life, and the most money she ever made was $17,000.00 per year. She has made very good choices when it comes to investing.

In answer to some of your questions. My mother has more than enough to cover the cost of her stay in a nursing home. Not only is she a hoarder of things, she is a hoarder of money. She is also tighter than the bark on a tree! The reason I care is this: I hate to see all the effort that she has put into saving money, not spending money, and the effort she has put into getting rentals in the first place, to wind up losing it all to a thief.

Willen, thanks for the update. Good grief, this is so complex.

As for the rental property, if they look like "slum lord properties" no quality property management will take over said properties..... because the commission received by the management company comes from the rent.... and if the rents are not paid on time or at all, then the management company is out of funds. Default Notices would be flying out of the management company left and right.

Trying to convince your Mom and Step-Dad that it is time to sell some of the properties will probably fall on deaf ears [no pun intended]. These places would need to be sold "as is" and probably some are classified as 1031-Exhanges, thus tracing back to the cost of the original rental and the sale and buy, sale and buy, sale and buy until it is traced to the current house can be a tangled web, not counting the Capital Gains IRS taxes involved. I hope they have been using a CPA to keep track of the income/expenses.

And the hoarding, what can I say. This is very difficult to control as everything is valuable in that house to your Mom and Step-Dad. I am surprised there isn't more sickness from this.

See an attorney who specializes in Elder Law.

Please take this as a serious question. I don't mean it sarcastically:

Your mother knows that her husband may mismanage her finances or even steal from her. She doesn't care. Why do you?

Willen, thanks for the explanation. Ideally, a management company would be hired to manage the properties, but it doesn't sound as if this is going to happen.

I do think legal counsel could offer some advice, and perhaps insights on how to proceed to take advantage of what the rentals may offer, although I suspect a lot of work would be needed to bring them up to standards.

Other than that, at this time I can't think of good suggestions. But I do appreciate your explanations.

Something Becky asked is important though, and that's whether funding exists for the rest of your mother's life in a nursing home or other facility. I have a feeling it doesn't, but with the rental properties, I doubt she'd qualify for Medicaid.

An attorney could help guide you through either getting control through guardian and conservatorship, or other potential options.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

I would contact an elder law attorney and seek guardianship. It's fairly expensive process, but if you get guardianship you would be able to get your stepdad out of your mother's business. Does your mother have adequate funds to pay for her nursing home care?

OK, Folks, here are some answers to your questions. My mother came down with severe broncitus(sp). She then contacted Pneumonia. She wound up in the hospital for about a week, then the Dr. decided she wasn't well enough to go home, so he had her put into the Rehab section of a nursing home. She came down with an Urinary Tract Infection.  Now she has MRSA. She was able to walk on her own when she went into the hospital............she cannot walk now without a walker and having someone hold on to her. She can't do stairs. She can only feed herself some of the time.  She has Macular Degeneration, and even with hearing aids she can't hear. She gets her prescriped medication always mixed up.  She refuses to have someone do a med pack. The reason I, and her husband want her to go into a home is that my blind step-dad cannot take care of her in the home unless she can walk on her own and get around. He can't take good care of himself let alone my mother. Also, the home is not set to accomodate her. My step-dad and my mother both are hoarders, so the home IS NOT a safe place for either of them actually. They are eating canned food with expiration dates of 1979 on them !  I am not exagerating. I have had Home Health go to their home and try to get them to have in home health come and help take care of them. After the meeting the lady from home health came to my home and said. "You can forget about home health care for them because they came just short of kicking me out of the home." They won't agree to any type of home health care. My mother's Dr. has said that he is going to recomment my mother being put in a long term care nursing home. I don't know if any of you have heard of Narcissist mother. My mother is a Narcissist. We have a very toxic relationship, and this is why my name is on NOTHING. My mother hates me and has for a long long time. I have accepted this fact. She has been married to this man for 26 years. She has told me many times how she doesn't trust her husband when it comes to finances. Apparently he has stolen various times a lot of cash from her. As far as the rentals go...............Her husband is just awful when it comes to manageing rentals. My mother and her husband own about 15 rentals together. My mother has about 9 rentals that she alone owns. Her husband also has rentals that he alone owns. Through the years my mother as well as other people have told me how her husband handles the financial end of the rentals. He will rent to shady people, not have them checked out, he will then only take part of the up front monies, and he will tell them that they can pay the rest over time. So, a lot of these people who rent from them go into the rentals already behind. Then com to find out they can't get caught up. So, then they have to have the people evicted, and then so much money is lost due to my mothers husband handling them. My step-dad's various secretaries over the years have told me that I would be astounded as to how much money my step-dad and mother have lost over the years. Now, as far as the repairs. That is laughable. They are like slum lords. My step-dad will only have the bare basics covered when it comes to repairs. No wonder they get the kind of renters they have. I asked one of the ladies who has worked for my step-dad at different times if something happened to my step-dad while my mother is in the home, what would happen to her rentals???? This woman told me that he secretary would then take the rentals over as far as managing them. Then this woman went on to tell me that this isn't a good idea because several people incluing my step-dad know that his current secretary is stealing money from my step-dad. Apparently my step-dad won't fire her because he says that she is the best secretary he's ever had. Now, mind you, this secretay NOW has her hands on my mothers checkbook and is paying all of my mothers bills while she is in the home. See my concerns??? I CANNOT IN NO WAY discuss my concerns with my other. She has made the comment before that yes she knows her husband is dishonest and has stolen money from her, BUT afterall he is her husband she says and she won't divorce him. I think I shall just commit harry carry !

I’m not an attorney and you probably should get one to untangle this, but without POA and hard proof of your step-father’s shady dealings with your mother’s finances, there isn’t much you can do. But on the other hand, if Stepfather isn’t named on any documentation giving him rights over those properties, he has no rights over them either. Are you at all familiar with any documents appointing anyone as an overseer of her properties? If you don’t have POA I don’t think even the bank can reveal any account information to you unless you have any joint accounts.

Your best bet is to discuss this with an attorney. If your have any documentation at all that Stepfather has done anything shady you need to bring it. An attorney can walk you through what you need to do.

I couldn't have asked better questions or made better observations than FF already has.

What specific evidence do you have of your step-father pulling "some fast ones?"

Actually, I would give him credit for remaining active by finding a profession in which he can work after having become blind.

I think you might want to consider helping in that sense, perhaps offering to do the accounting work, etc. that requires vision. That way you could participate in the business, and learn it in the event that you ever have to take over.

I also would inquire as to the reason for your mother's permanent move to a facility. Are her conditions such that she could manage at home with private duty care?

There's another aspect that should be addressed. If you don't have the legal authority, i.e., no proxy authority pursuant to a DPOA or POA, who is making the decision for permanent nursing home residence? Is it your step father?

Willienme, take a deep breath, now exhale.  Beginning stage of dementia many people still work. My boss' wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and she was still able to work for two to three years afterwards [I know, not every case is the same]. She knew when it was time for her to "retire" in the best interest of the company to which she had managed over 100 rental properties all at the same time.

There is nothing wrong with being a blind Realtor since he has a staff who helps him with the daily workings of real estate. Your Step-Dad is over-seeing the work.  And the staff can correct any mis-steps, if there are any.

Can you tell us what is your Step-Dad doing wrong by managing these rental properties? Is he not having someone log in the rents when they come due? If he not calling repair people when the need arises? Are the properties being kept in good shape? There could be months where no repairs are needed on those 9 properties.

The pre-nup has to do with what each of them had prior to getting married. What they accomplished when they were married is taken into account. And it's not unusual to keep their funds separate from each other.

I noticed you only had one line about your Mom's health, and the rest was related to financials. Time to switch that around. You mentioned your Mom has pneumonia and that she will be in a nursing home permanently, just curious as to why? Apparently Mom must have other medical issues as pneumonia, depending on what type, is curable.