My mother has dementia. I make nice cooked food for her and then she doesn't finish it and 15 minutes later she's hungry and asks for cup of soup with a slice of bread. She forgets that she had eaten. I get upset with her and also asking the same question every 5 minutes..like what day is it, then i would say Monday and then 5 minutes later she would ask...is it sunday today, then i would say ...no it is Monday and so it goes on and on. She also makes funny noises while watching tv and when i wash her. Why is this.. Please help and give advise.
My kids doesn't want to come and visit anymore because of my mother and it upsets me because i do love my mother and i do not want to choose. How do I handle this?
I must say though although I dont have children I think its sad that your kids dont understand and support you? I think I would sit them down and tell them that they need to understand this illness and how much its hurting you that they dont visit and how much you need them to support you. visiting a sick old lady is not much fun but thats life and surely spending a short time with her isnt asking for much? When you are caring for someone 24/7 spending a short time once a week is nothing its so unfair that you feel that you have to choose your children should be a bit more understanding I just cant imagine letting someone go through this on thier own and when its close family it hurts like hell! Hope you talk this through with your kids they are being a bit selfish dementia is hard on everyone but its not going away and it will get worse. My mum does not want a NH or to move with me what do you do I have nightmares about her being forced against her will into a home she is not safe here on her own and if thats what her doc thinks we can enforce this by law here I pray it will not come to this.
I have been under a lot of stress. I am burned out and I have no place to go but, here. I love my husband. I feel foolish for now being able to deal with this. I am going to a therapist tomorrow. I just hate getting up and knowing that she will be here making noises all the way til 10pm every night. I know this is the place she should be....not a home. Although she does have the money. And, at some point one of us might have to go. I fear though that it will be me. My husband is afraid I will leave him. He is also mad because he doesn't understand my impatience all the time. He is at work. Its his mom. My mom died from cancer 10 months ago. I really have no idea what to do. I just cry. I am sad...I write. ...I walk when I can. I leave the house when there is another person here. But, I still can't watch television with my husband without the incessant smack, groan, moan...UGH. My head wants to explode writing this. We stay in a hotel one night a week without her. Our sister stays or our niece. But, it isn't enough of a compromise. We sold her house. When it closes should I suggest that we stay at a hotel another night? We considered renting me an apartment but, the SF BAY AREA IS RIDICULOUS.
As JessieBelle says, you should never - except when you can't help yourself - tell her that there is anything wrong with her mind. Call it confusion, or a little problem with your memory. Minimize it. There is no point in BOTH of you being depressed! LOL.
One of the members uses the name NotHisFault. That's the thing to remember. They sure didn't choose to get this disease, and their weird unpleasant behavior is just because they are trying to survive. If you want to learn some ways to divert them, google Teepa Snow and watch some of her videos.
ejbunicorn caught some crap for her second response, but her first one was right on the money. This is the disease. The repetition will continue. The denial will continue. The disgusting habits will continue. It sucks. Come here and complain all you want.
But you can't really succeed or even survive as a caregiver if you keep wishing and expecting things to be different. This is what the job is. Try to adjust and accept. If you can't, then maybe you are not cut out to be a caregiver. There is no sin in that. We all have different abilities and breaking points. Some of us can be nurses. Some of us can repair cars or be stockbrokers or telemarketers. Lots of us here can be caregivers for a while, until our health and sanity is at risk.
If you can't accept this job and its crappy aspects, (or when you have reached your breaking point,) then don't keep beating your head against the wall. Get your loved one into an AL or NH and oversee their care and have pleasant loving visits. That is really a better solution for both of you.
Going back to the 'do sufferers ever understand their disease?" point - we're at the early stages (with a few mid-stage signs/moments), but I've been pleasantly surprised and impressed at how matter-of-fact my mother's being in discussions with her doctors and with me. I think Teepa mentions it, too: this point about explaining that what we're dealing with is brain function disease, which can affect absolutely ANY aspect of behaviour from thinking to memory to bodily functions and motor skills to personality, speech and language processing… you cannot expect any warning of what is going to go wrong next, and only a tiny element of a process like communication needs to go wrong for the whole system to collapse.
So far, when my mother is upset or confused about a given subject, or finds she can't do some everyday task like sitting down safely in an armchair, being reminded that her brain is mechanically going wrong actually reassures her. It's as though, to her, it's somehow morally ok to have something physically wrong with you, in a way that is not acceptable if your problem is mental or emotional.
I really hope the trend for changing titles from "Memory Clinic", e.g., to "Brain Function Clinic" will catch on - it's a matter of accuracy, not polite euphemism or mere fashion. Not that there aren't still things I dread, but I'll take every aid to perspective I can get.
I think the thing with dealing with a loved one with dementia is to not allow it to become a personal battle. To not take it personally. It is a disease over which the sufferer has no control. It is not a contest between you and the afflicted person. If you can hang on to that, you will be able to deal with your loved one with kindness and humor...and love.
But, no matter what, caregivers need to take care of themselves and take regular breaks away from caregiving. And that means a real break...not five minutes or just a bathroom break...but a real break-- totally away-- like a day out with friends or time for dinner and a movie...something that really takes you away for a while and into a different environment. I believe this is vital. And helps to replenish your ability to love and nurture rather than to just provide care.
Since the person asking the question has no idea that they already asked you that question, getting agitated doesn't help, since they won't know what is agitating you and it won't stop their behavior anyway.
So I simply answer him with a different answer each time - I make sort of a game out of it. It's more for me and my sanity than for my Dad, but I realize that at some point I won't have him in my life anymore, and would relish any interaction or question from him again.
This of course has to be your decision, but this is something you can not control and it is destroying your family life so maybe the time is right to place her in memory care.
She is your mother and you love her but she can't be allowed to destry the lives of you and your family. You may have promised never to put her in a nursing home and that is fine but you did not know she would scream day and night so I feel you can be released from any guilt if it is necessary to place her