My husband seems to be really struggling with his mom having dementia. She is so mean to him hitting him, spitting on him, throwing things at him and the cursing is unreal from her. He has to basically take care of her until I get home from work. She does go to adult daycare for a few hours each day but it is him and her after that til I get home. By the time I get home, he is so upset when I enter the house and sometimes I see her in action of hitting him or throwing things, I intervene. It upsets me to see him so upset. I try to talk to him and calm him down but it’s never easy. He is NOT abusive in any way but voices do tend to rise. He is only human and we both are trying to understand this disease. What can I do to calm him down? What can I say? Do? We have a social worker working hard to get her in a facility. This is what she really needs.
We had put her into Hospice care six months or so ago, they put her on a mood altering/ non anxiety medication, then later, liquid morphine, orally. there was another medication: a muscle relaxant, because her joints became quite stiff, knees drawn up to her mouth, body in fetal position. most of her joints were impossible to move. her vital signs were perfect: blood pressure 105/66, pulse 70, no fever at all, ever. She had some persistent bedsores, because she rolled over for diaper change, as stiff as a stack of boards. Now, my wife used to leave her caregiver's arms with fingernail marks and sometimes with nasty scratches. the ANTI-ANXIETY med took care of that, plus, we came to realize that she was in terrible pain, for several good reasons, but we couldn't make anything work any more.
Her body was a bundle of pain, but her voice was gone by this time. For over a week she couldn't eat or drink, - couldn't swallow. Only her eyelids moved, but she had no control over them. We administered the 1mL morphine every four hours, all 24hrs. She slept around the clock, would barely move as we tried to get that tiny syringe between her lips; jaw wouldn't move, but she had a missing tooth, so we poked it through that space.
Every time we had to diaper-change it was excruciating pain for her; her eyebrows and face, mouth would knot up, and so the visiting nurse started her on 0.5mL Morphine Sulphate, orally under the tongue, or inside cheek area, where it could trickle down her throat, or be absorbed through membranes; a couple of days later Morphine was increased to 1.0mL. After a week of no food, no water, her diaper didn't need changing any more. In two or three days she stopped breathing.
All medical equipment and materials were free delivered by the Hospice Healthcare company, a non profit largely funded by medicare, - wife was 82+ when she passed, everything Except Home caregiver hours, that were paid for out of my social security income, her S.S. income, plus a $2000 monthly pension payment. We were paying $25/hr for help.
I try to look at all this pain and suffering with a bit of humor, because it helps pull me out of my darker, sadder moments that might otherwise pull me down. The Dementia disease, Alzheimers are so devastating! Caregivers leave, and have to rest, in order to keep their sanity. Every one of us has a painful sore back, from bending over the bed to take care of her.
But I'll tell you this, I stuck it out for two years of this mental and physical torture because she was my lifelong treasure: my adored and loved wife of 58 years this month. I cherished, and loved her so deeply and completely that I rented a hospital bed so I could roll from mine, over onto hers a bit, to hold her hand and just give her little loving strokes, while I told her every little while, how fortunate I was, how happy I was just to be with her. The one and only woman I was ever with; I never wanted anyone else. Sure, I noticed every frilly skirt in the wind, always enjoyed looking at other women, and I told her so, but she was my special sweetheart that no other woman could measure up to. She wasn't especially beautiful, but it was the quality of person that I recognized right away. That's something you can't fake. She was indeed, my greatest treasure; left a huge hole behind, something wonderful and precious is missing from my life, my side. I miss her so much.
All of the care we gave her was in our son's home. We've spent many hours in the combined chore and joy of taking care of her. It is really hard work, because the tasks keep repeating: change her, roll her over several times, feeding, water and cranberry/grape juice, changing every two hours, the labor and lack of sleep just keep tearing you down, it destroys a relationship, unless you can slip in a bit of humor, pleasant attitude.
This is by no means indicating any lack in your DH's care or commenting on his ability to change.
I am merely commenting on families I have seen.
Well meaning son, daughters, grown grandkids that are trying to relate to the LO they once knew. Expecting them to know things they no longer do, expecting skills that have diminished, expecting co-operation & reason. Asking "do you remember..?" I even met a lady who's family had taped a sign saying 'you have dementia' on her table! They actually thought this would help her feel less anxious about why she was confused! I watched their interaction. Talking fast, expecting everything to be heard & understood. Raising their voice when the lady didn't get it. Getting hot under the collar when communication failed. Then the lady would be shouting, confused, fearful & resistive to everything. Yelling at her to eat was their go-to. This never worked. What DID work was calmly setting the table, calmly letting her see the food & someone joining her. At her pace.
A CNA or Aide, having no personal history, will greet & relate to the elder as they appear that day, at the moment. If that is a stubborn lady refusing to wash or eat, they accept that. Move on, try a different approach or try later.
Your DH may be struggling because he cares. He is invested in whether Mom eats, washes, sits etc. Too many battles?
Time for him to get some more helpers & for him to step back. Keep working towards that placement. Then he can start to de-stress a bit & become her son again.
Next time there is violence MIL is transported by EMT (this is a 911 call) to ER. The Hospital Social Worker is informed on day one that MIL constitutes a serious danger to you and cannot return to the home. It will then be one them to find placement for MIL. Do not fall for any platitudes of "We can help" or "we can make this work" or "we can get you help". They cannot and will not and these platitudes are so they can get you to allow MIL back in the home. As you are already understanding, no one will want to care for a senior with this level of acting out. Medications are difficult in providing control without sending the poor elder into a zombie like state. Their care is time consuming and next to impossible even in the best memory care.
So sorry you are going through all this and hope you will come back to update us.
She has never been medicated to a zombie-like state.
Imagine what it would be like to be someone who is so riddled with anxiety, that you become violent. It must be horrible.
I agree with the advice to call 911. Your MIL sure does need help, and your husband should not be abused.
While you are looking for placement I would also seek counseling. Both you and your husband should go, either jointly or individually. Whatever you are comfortable with. I go to counseling myself, about every 2-3 weeks. It helps to cry out my hurt and pain of watching my bride of 31+ years go through this wretched disease.
When we first started talking about my mom leaving her home, we discussed the possibility of her living with us and we absolutely knew that would be unworkable. My mom is narcissistic and doesn't respect boundaries, so we instinctively knew that would be a bad idea (and then I found this forum and saw the urgent comments saying "don't move 'em in!". We also considered building her a small house on our property. That seemed like a good option because it would make caring for her much more convenient for me. One day, driving onto our property after a particularly hard day at work combined with having to drop and deal with a difficult issue with her, I realized that driving through our gate was like going through a stress detector that strips the stress away. I literally felt the weight of my day slide off my shoulders. I knew then - bringing my mom onto our property, even if not into our home, would be violating my sanctuary. Now, after eight months of Mom in Assisted Living, dealing with difficult interactions with her, even handling her busywork like errands and bill paying, I KNOW we made the right decision to find another place for her besides our own. And I don't think this is only good advice for people with difficult LO, but even for those with LO's who are easygoing. We all need space.
To help me along this journey, I journal what I call "Raising Old People" and the one thing I find over and over again that I have written is "Protect your sanctuary". It's occurs so often in my journal that I would call it a mantra.
To the OP, your m-i-l is violating your sanctuary. She's affecting her son's peace of mind, and through him, yours. If you and he are to complete this time in your lives with your sanity intact, you MUST reclaim your home. I know I felt a bit like a bad daughter for not being more open to my mom being in or near my home, but I've come to realize that by having a force field of peace around me, I am better equipped to do what I must do for her and to do it with a loving spirit,
I hope the OP does an ER dump then lets the hospital and the MIL's social worker take it from there.
No one has to live in abuse. Caregiver abuse is very real and happens often. It creates a high-risk situation for elder abuse too.
The social worker may be working very hard to get her facility placement but so far has not found any. Your situation is high-risk for elder abuse.
Bring your MIL to a hospital ER and ask for a 'Social Admit'. Tell them that she cannot and will not be cared for by you and your husband in your home anymore because she's become too violent. Give the hospital her social worker's contact information.
They will admit her to the hospital until a facility is found for her.
Whatever you do, DO NOT let them talk you into taking her back into your house.
They will promise you all kinds of homecare services that will take care of her at your place until her social worker finds a facility. You will not get anything except right back to where you are now. Refuse all of it and refuse to take her home.
The hospital and their social workers will find placement for her quick.