Mom has dementia. What can I do to calm my husband down when this happens?

If a social worker is working hard to get Mom in facility care, then this is a self limiting situation. And you can but offer your sympathy. However, you can ALSO do the ER DUMP and that is quite frankly what I would do.
Next time there is violence MIL is transported by EMT (this is a 911 call) to ER. The Hospital Social Worker is informed on day one that MIL constitutes a serious danger to you and cannot return to the home. It will then be one them to find placement for MIL. Do not fall for any platitudes of "We can help" or "we can make this work" or "we can get you help". They cannot and will not and these platitudes are so they can get you to allow MIL back in the home. As you are already understanding, no one will want to care for a senior with this level of acting out. Medications are difficult in providing control without sending the poor elder into a zombie like state. Their care is time consuming and next to impossible even in the best memory care.
So sorry you are going through all this and hope you will come back to update us.

I’d call 911 the next time she gets violent. Neither you nor your husband should be taking this on. She needs a better evaluation to find help to calm her and you need a peaceful home. Dementia doesn’t mean accepting abuse

She needs a psychiatric evaluation and the best way to get that is to call 911 when she gets out of control.

Call the EMTs, have her taken in for an involuntary psych hold (Baker Act in some states) and stand firm in your refusal to accept discharge.

Oh, and if they send her home in a cab, call 911 again and your local media.

Does ur MIL go to a Neurologist. There is medication she can be given. I guess the Daycare has not complained about this kind of behaviour? Seems to happen late afternoon, early evening? If so its sundowners and this is when things get worse.

I agree that your MIL needs a physic eval.

Your husband has to accept she is going to get drugged up into a zombie like state.

Best thing you can do it support him because seeing his LO like might destroy him and you will have to pick up the pieces. She will begin to beg and cry to go home, may even say how sorry she is. Your husband will be feel trapped, you must be the voice of reason.

He is going to need your love and support.

When my mother gets violent, it means that she needs a medication adjustment.

She has never been medicated to a zombie-like state.

Imagine what it would be like to be someone who is so riddled with anxiety, that you become violent. It must be horrible.

I agree with the advice to call 911. Your MIL sure does need help, and your husband should not be abused.

Dementia or not, if there is violence or abuse, call 911 and state the issue. His mom needs a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation and possible medication or med adjustment….there are some on here that think all these issues can be handled by being loving or submissive. I call BS…..there comes a time when their “broken brain” can no longer function within a household situation. That’s when the elder needs facility care, where a whole team of people are there 24/7/365. Sure you have to do your due diligence in researching any facility. Hope your social worker can move quickly on this. If not, have EMS take her to hospital for admittance for care and social worker can get her placed. That’s their job.

I agree with others that the *right* meds or combo thereof may help her: this is merciful to her as well as her caregivers. It may take some time to figure out dosages and types. I'm so sorry you are enduring this, but there are solutions that can be explored between now and when she is placed. Medication is the most obvious and maybe "easiest".

Sometimes family just cannot be the main caregiver. They have such a history with the LO & their communication style is influenced from long held patterns.

This is by no means indicating any lack in your DH's care or commenting on his ability to change.

I am merely commenting on families I have seen.

Well meaning son, daughters, grown grandkids that are trying to relate to the LO they once knew. Expecting them to know things they no longer do, expecting skills that have diminished, expecting co-operation & reason. Asking "do you remember..?" I even met a lady who's family had taped a sign saying 'you have dementia' on her table! They actually thought this would help her feel less anxious about why she was confused! I watched their interaction. Talking fast, expecting everything to be heard & understood. Raising their voice when the lady didn't get it. Getting hot under the collar when communication failed. Then the lady would be shouting, confused, fearful & resistive to everything. Yelling at her to eat was their go-to. This never worked. What DID work was calmly setting the table, calmly letting her see the food & someone joining her. At her pace.

A CNA or Aide, having no personal history, will greet & relate to the elder as they appear that day, at the moment. If that is a stubborn lady refusing to wash or eat, they accept that. Move on, try a different approach or try later.

Your DH may be struggling because he cares. He is invested in whether Mom eats, washes, sits etc. Too many battles?

Time for him to get some more helpers & for him to step back. Keep working towards that placement. Then he can start to de-stress a bit & become her son again.

You will have a hard time with your mom being placed if her behavior is not dealt with. Please get her into an inpatient psych unit for behavior modification. Yes, they will start her on medication to help her calm down. Yes, they will start her on a fairly rigid daily routine -so she comes to know what to expect throughout her day. She will be easier to handle whether you have her placed in long term care or keep her at home.

Been there, done that. My wife just (passed or failed), depending on your sense of humor, Saturday Feb. 5th, 2022.
We had put her into Hospice care six months or so ago, they put her on a mood altering/ non anxiety medication, then later, liquid morphine, orally. there was another medication: a muscle relaxant, because her joints became quite stiff, knees drawn up to her mouth, body in fetal position. most of her joints were impossible to move. her vital signs were perfect: blood pressure 105/66, pulse 70, no fever at all, ever. She had some persistent bedsores, because she rolled over for diaper change, as stiff as a stack of boards. Now, my wife used to leave her caregiver's arms with fingernail marks and sometimes with nasty scratches. the ANTI-ANXIETY med took care of that, plus, we came to realize that she was in terrible pain, for several good reasons, but we couldn't make anything work any more.
Her body was a bundle of pain, but her voice was gone by this time. For over a week she couldn't eat or drink, - couldn't swallow. Only her eyelids moved, but she had no control over them. We administered the 1mL morphine every four hours, all 24hrs. She slept around the clock, would barely move as we tried to get that tiny syringe between her lips; jaw wouldn't move, but she had a missing tooth, so we poked it through that space.
Every time we had to diaper-change it was excruciating pain for her; her eyebrows and face, mouth would knot up, and so the visiting nurse started her on 0.5mL Morphine Sulphate, orally under the tongue, or inside cheek area, where it could trickle down her throat, or be absorbed through membranes; a couple of days later Morphine was increased to 1.0mL. After a week of no food, no water, her diaper didn't need changing any more. In two or three days she stopped breathing.
All medical equipment and materials were free delivered by the Hospice Healthcare company, a non profit largely funded by medicare, - wife was 82+ when she passed, everything Except Home caregiver hours, that were paid for out of my social security income, her S.S. income, plus a $2000 monthly pension payment. We were paying $25/hr for help.
I try to look at all this pain and suffering with a bit of humor, because it helps pull me out of my darker, sadder moments that might otherwise pull me down. The Dementia disease, Alzheimers are so devastating! Caregivers leave, and have to rest, in order to keep their sanity. Every one of us has a painful sore back, from bending over the bed to take care of her.
But I'll tell you this, I stuck it out for two years of this mental and physical torture because she was my lifelong treasure: my adored and loved wife of 58 years this month. I cherished, and loved her so deeply and completely that I rented a hospital bed so I could roll from mine, over onto hers a bit, to hold her hand and just give her little loving strokes, while I told her every little while, how fortunate I was, how happy I was just to be with her. The one and only woman I was ever with; I never wanted anyone else. Sure, I noticed every frilly skirt in the wind, always enjoyed looking at other women, and I told her so, but she was my special sweetheart that no other woman could measure up to. She wasn't especially beautiful, but it was the quality of person that I recognized right away. That's something you can't fake. She was indeed, my greatest treasure; left a huge hole behind, something wonderful and precious is missing from my life, my side. I miss her so much.

All of the care we gave her was in our son's home. We've spent many hours in the combined chore and joy of taking care of her. It is really hard work, because the tasks keep repeating: change her, roll her over several times, feeding, water and cranberry/grape juice, changing every two hours, the labor and lack of sleep just keep tearing you down, it destroys a relationship, unless you can slip in a bit of humor, pleasant attitude.

Considering the times we are living through, it is important to choose every word carefully. Beating someone with the “truth” is as harmful as “sugar coating” and expressing a single experience as the rule for every person in every situation. We are all living through this nightmare reality and need to be kind, helpful, compassionate or just click or not click the like button and
keep scrolling.

Placement is what she needs and I applaud your efforts to get this done. Her dementia is real and she cannot control what she does. She would be appalled is she knew what she was doing. But even though you know that, you cannot allow her to destroy the serenity of your sanctuary, nor your inner peace.

While you are looking for placement I would also seek counseling. Both you and your husband should go, either jointly or individually. Whatever you are comfortable with. I go to counseling myself, about every 2-3 weeks. It helps to cry out my hurt and pain of watching my bride of 31+ years go through this wretched disease.

It would be very helpful to know what is going on with her treatment, specifically her medications. If she isn't on a med for her behavior, why not. I she is, how long has it been since she was evaluated and meds adjusted. My sister in AL was combative, language I'd never heard before, even took a swing a couple times at staff. We had her sent to a 10 day evaluation at a hospital, by ambulance and restrained. They called and asked if I was going to pick her up or use an ambulance again. I was surprised at the change when they said she would be fine to be picked up. She even knew that she had been bad and was so sorry for treating the staff badly. Now they call her sweetheart and sweetie pie. But, she is on several monthly meds now, most likely for the remainder of her time. But she is functioning on her own and behaving well. I think you seriously need to consider this option and check with Medicare or her insurance and make sure that they can cover it. A doctor will most certainly make the authorization for evaluation.

Havs the Dr seen her like this? She needs medication. Don't feel guilty because when she gets into a facility that will be the first thing they do. She may settle down in a different environment but they can't risk her hurting herself or someone else. God be with you all on this heartbreaking journey.

It's hard to accept abuse whether it's intentional or not. Please help your Mom by getting a doctor's recommendation for meds, it may be as simple as an anti-anxiety medication. If she is fine in adult daycare and only displays this kind of behavior with your husband, can you hire a local female caregiver to take your husband's place for the hours you are gone?

That is good you are looking for a place for her. She needs to be calmed down, not your husband. Maybe medication would help.

To calm HIM down? Just checking I haven't misread this.

Pending placement, hire support for the hours between daycare and your return home. Trained caregivers might be able to pass on tips, too, for the hours when it's just you and him and your mother.

This is horrible beyond belief and I don't give a dam if she has dementia or not - this is terrible and must be stopped by any means possible. If this were my mother, or my mother in law, or anyone else including God or the devil, that person would be removed so fast from the premises, you wouldn't see the blur. People like this NEVER, EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD GET AWAY WITH THIS BEHAVIOR AND SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE ALLOWED TO LIVE IN THE HOME WITH NORMAL PEOPLE - N E V E R! They can be so ugly, nasty and dangerous and why anyone would put up with that is beyond me - never, ever. Has medication been tried, has she been evaluated for unknown physical problems, like urinary tract infection. If this is the way she is, get her out of that home and away from him before he is a ruined soul who did no harm to deserve this fate. In the meantime, I would put her in her room and perhaps a half gate (to watch her), keep the gate or door locked. The next time she does this I would at once call the police and say she is wild and is attacking your husband and get her to the hospital. Once there, they will place her but never take her home again. This woman does not deserve you or your husband and your first duty is to him. End this horror now.

I also think you should talk to a medical professional and investigate some medication that may calm your mother down until you can have her properly placed in a care facility. If you can afford to have her cared for outside the home until you return from work, that would be ideal. I understand that not everyone is flush with money and able to act quickly in a situation like this. Until your mother is out of the home, medication might be your best resort. Has your mother been evaluated by any doctor at all? What she is doing sounds like the later stages of Alzheimers disease. If so, she cannot help herself, but you must still protect your husband from her right now.

No one has to tolerate or live in abuse. It sounds to me like you and your husband are at the end of your ropes and need your MIL out.
The social worker may be working very hard to get her facility placement but so far has not found any. Your situation is high-risk for elder abuse.
Bring your MIL to a hospital ER and ask for a 'Social Admit'. Tell them that she cannot and will not be cared for by you and your husband in your home anymore because she's become too violent. Give the hospital her social worker's contact information.
They will admit her to the hospital until a facility is found for her.
Whatever you do, DO NOT let them talk you into taking her back into your house.
They will promise you all kinds of homecare services that will take care of her at your place until her social worker finds a facility. You will not get anything except right back to where you are now. Refuse all of it and refuse to take her home.
The hospital and their social workers will find placement for her quick.

What medications is she on??? Please check on this! Some of them cause this type of behavior especially in people with dementia! Also, check on what is happening in this daycare program. Some of them are abusive and she may be acting out as a result.

I would try medication first. You don't want her at home or in a facility in that much anguish. My mother went through that awful stage. It took a lot of trial and error to get her on the right medications, but it finally worked. She worked her way up to 100mg Zoloft once a day, and 50 mg Trazadone up to 4 times a day. That would make a normal person drowsy, not her! It kept her just right. Seroquel works too. Give her a baby doll. It will soothe her. Ashton-Drake has dolls specifically designed for dementia patients. It was a God send for my mother! Also learn to distract, deflect and divert her attention while she's in a rage. It takes practice. Look up Teepa Snow videos for tips. Good luck.

Mom needs sedation.

I am not reading all the responses because I'm on a break at work. But I hope you have taken videos of the abuse to show the doctors because she may turn up sweet on any doctor visits and they need to see her in action.

I am with everyone that recommended getting someone in during the time she is being cared for by husband. He doesn't need to end up a statistic while waiting for a facility bed.

If a puppy helps calm her, have you checked into one of the realistic fake ones? Maybe that would give her something to focus on besides her anger at her son.

May The Lord give your husband strength and peace and give your MIL a calmer spirit when interacting with her son.

She needs anxiety medication to keep HER calm. Dementia causes them to become violent and hostile to even their caregivers who are trying to comfort them. He should not have to endure her abuse.

WandaH: Your MIL requires a psychiatric evaluation. Also, please be in frequent contact with the social worker who "is working hard to get her in a facility."

SHOWTIME: I read this description on the forum here; it's when the patient can turn 180 degrees when they need to present themselves as "normal." I noticed this in the early stages and told my husband that the visitors would be shocked to witness the personality reversals. He could be raging and then open the front door and start laughing and chatting with the visitor. Mommie Dearest????

Connie, "showtiming" in the context of dementia isn't quite so disapproving a term. It describes the person's response to social stimulus, giving them the ability to revive their normal persona for long enough to sustain that interaction; and it isn't a criticism, it's just a phenomenon you need to be aware of when you're assessing a person's mental state.