Does Mom have dementia, or is she just lazy?

Wow, I think your post hit a nerve with a lot of us. Your mom is only 71?? Good grief! That's young, and she doesn't seem to have dementia, just a complete lack of common courtesy. If at ALL possible, get her out of your home!! My mother also was "waited upon" by her own father and not by my dad--we kids did most of the work, I do not have a memory of my mother doing any "work" aside from the laundry. She often would not cook meals or shop and we kids pulled our weight and then some. Now she is living with my brother and has pretty much alienated all the other sibs. After a session with her today, I am taking a 6 months holiday from her. I will send money to my brother in lieu of my being there to clean and clear out her hoarded apt. Good luck--and be strong!!!

Thanks, Mbmarc. It does help to know I'm not the only one in this situation. Not sure why that makes it any better, but it does. The attorney is drawing up deeds and POA's. We'll see if she signs them. Crossing my fingers and eyes.

JessieBelle, brown stars in heaven will be an even higher honor than gold. :-)

ReadytoGo I hope it helps to know that you are not alone, because it really helps me! People try to make me feel guilty and act like I am being selfish because I live alone to, but they have no idea what its like to have a narcissistic parent! I think a lot of people can't see their parent(s) as a person before they see them as a parent. This goes for mom or dad and even both for some of us. When you have to deal with them as a caregiver it creates a whole new set of dynamics. You start remembering what they were like growing up. You realize the image that you created in your own mind of them. You realize how they used you and others and manipulated everyone to do what they wanted them to do...mainly you and your siblings. I struggle with guilt all of the time since my mother's stroke for the purposeful boundaries that I have to set with her because she has no concern or compassion for the fact that I have a life of my own. She treats my step-dad like a dog and he caters to her but has his limits to. It really is about limits and boundaries. They won't change or consider how it impacts you...all they want is what they want. And in most cases what they want is at your expense. Stand up for you and don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong for doing it. You are not! Its unfortunate, but its a fact of life and taking the higher road is always the best. Since you are the one that seems to be dealing with the "reality" of the situation, you are the chosen one...whether you want to be or not. Take care and be strong! I pray that God will deliver us all!

You may want to have your mom tested for cDiff. My mom was finally diagnosed with this. So gross!!! Once it was diagnosed though the docs treated it in the hospital and she is better now. You might also want to have her start taking
Probiotics. That made a world of difference. No more diarrhea!!!

Ack! Today I cleaned my mother's bathroom. I guess I should have waited another day. She had a bout of diarrhea and the toilet was spattered again. Soiled cloths were tossed about the floor. Picking up the cloths was especially gross because I knew what was on them. Why oh why oh why.

Some people say we are going to get gold stars in heaven. Personally I think they will be brown after all the s#!t we go through. Bless their hearts; I know they can't help it. But bless ours, too, for having to clean it all up. :-P

JessiBelle, what you wrote reminds me of a funny story about my ex husband. He was a slob and never put anything back where he got it. He never cleaned up a mess he made. And he used to throw his dirty clothes on the floor next to his side of the bed (although we had a laundry shoot which went right into the basement to a basket next to the washing machine. I got sick of picking up his d _ _ _ clothes and asking him to do it (which he didn't) I decided to just leave them there and see what he did. Eventually the pile got high and he ran out of underwear - and he said - are you ready for this? "You are falling down on the job, I don't have any clean clothes" Yep, some people are just plain lazy and they will always find someone who will enable them and somehow make that person feel guilty when they don't. Mind you, I made him an "ex" a few years later. His next wife picked up after him and supported him and catered to his other lazy habits. Lol!

Ditto on all of the above. Your mother is just lazy and selfish. It doesn't sound like she has dementia. .She knows how to survive using others and has simply traded in a man (or someone else) for you to be her current slave. Find a senior apartment and you will have to make arrangements for her (because she will be too lazy and selfish to do it herself) Then load up her stuff and boot her out. So far she has always found a way to link up with someone who will do it for her (and there are a lot of "users" like her - pretending to be victims) Its time for her to do it for herself. You owe her nothing and if I were you, I'd move far away just like your siblings.

Ready, I so understand. My mother leaves trash where it falls. Toilet tissue runs out? Put on new roll and throw the old cardboard tube on the floor. Want a soda? Go to the refrigerator and get it. Leave the empty bottle on the floor. Spill something? Get a paper towel and clean it up, then put the towel on the kitchen table. Have an accident? Clean up with cloths and towels, then throw the clothes and towels on the hall floor. My mother needs a maid. No, wait -- she has one. Me.

Sunnygirl1, I thought she had dementia when she first moved in, but she can shower and dress herself, and drive to the store or restaurants, pay for things, and get back home just fine. She can also make herself something to eat. She just doesn't clean up any of her messes (and she makes a lot of messes). She piles up her trash and dirty dishes wherever she is sitting for as long as 2 weeks. Yes, I let her to-go boxes sit there to see how long it would take for her to pick them up. I believe if she can do the things mentioned above, she should be able to pick up a to-go box and put it in the trash. When I say something about her cleaning up after herself, she just says, "Whatever."

ReadytoGo, in your profile you say that your mom is suffering with dementia/Alzheimers. I'm not aware of many patients with that condition who are able to function in their home doing chores like housework. They eventually cannot manage to bath or toilet themselves. It may be too much work for you to do without help. I would consider my options in light of her condition.

I would say lazy you love a slob if it bugs you boy did you make a mistake treat her like she is your husband live with it or find her a low income apartment and let them deal with her messy ways your her maid its a no win spot you pickup she doesn't care you don't she doesn't care she's a princess I have a grown daughter like herand iI would rather live alone then with her mess remember you can can't change a man and in your case you can't change a mom

It sounds like she has clinical depression, but I don't know all the medical history. If she will not visit a doctor, then you have two choices. Find her another place to live, or you will just have to live with her the way she is. Get her some help even if she objects.

I think she needs to be in an assisted living where she will get a tongue lashing if she puts extra work on the staff. Not fair to you when you have to do all the work.

Dear ReadytoGo: Sounds like you're "Ready to Go"! I glad you made the decision to get things moving. Maybe once it's all taken care of and she's in a good place, you will have your space back. You have to take care of yourself so you don't get sick or run down. Good luck with all of this and God bless. P.S. Write to this site to let us all know how you made out.

Sounds like Maternal Narcissism to me.

Good for you. Good luck and come back and tell us how it all goes.

Thanks everyone. It's good therapy just having you out there to talk with. I have made an appointment with an elder attorney for next Friday. I'm getting this ball rolling!

None of us should take abuse and this is exactly what it is. Being incontinent is nothing to let go. Urine and feces? You should not take this on. I have many things that mean a lot to me but you might be putting more sentiment on staying in your home and that might be putting more pressure on you. Your siblings are not going to be any help so you are on your own on this. Do you have the POA for her? On any of her checking accts.? You really do need an attny on this matter. Social worker and attny can work to help you declare her incompetent. It doesn't sound like she CAN take care of herself and that is some sort of mental incapacity.

I agree. Find her a Senior living complex. The rent is based on her income. On her own she'd be entitled to help with her utilities and Food stamps. Call ur local Social Services and find out what services they provide, same with ur office of the aging. There may be Senior bussing or local bussing may give discounts. Our senior living is near a shopping center so recidents can walk if they need to. Check out food closets. See how often she would be able to pick up food. I don't think at 71 ur Mom has dementia, I just think its a life long pattern. Once u have ur ducks in a row, tell her you have found her a place to live because its just not working. You r not her slave anymore.

I agree with freqflyer about rent based on income OR if she doesn't have very much money or savings she could apply for medicaid. Also was your dad a veteran of war? There is aid and assistance if he saw in action. Is she paying you anything in rent or groceries? If so I would take that money and hire a cleaning person once a month just for my own sanity. I have friends that their mother's were like this growing up making the kids do everything which was good for them looking back but at the time the sure resented it. They love their mom's but they sure wouldn't want them to live with them. They would look into EVERY govt. assisted program before letting that happen. Good Luck and God Bless.

She is so much like my mother it is uncanny. My mother is now 94 and lives nearby in a nursing home. She now has full blown dementia and has actually become very nice to be arround. Growing up for me, however, was a completely different story. She never cooked or cleaned. My father worked full time 60 hours per week and then came home to cook and clean the house. My mother never lifted a finger. When my sister and I could reach the kitchen counter, she and I became maids and did all the cooking and cleaning. After my father died at age 69 my mother became even more of a narcissist. I would feel guilty and sorry for her loss and invite her to visit us. She would end up staying for a month at a time. She competed for attention with our daughter who was 12 at the time. She left dirty dishes all over the house. When I asked her to help clean up, she would just give me a sweet smile and give me the silent treatment for hours until I broke the silence. After months of counseling, I got a backbone and set big time limits. She never came to my house again unless she was invited and then only for two days max. Once she showed up uninvited. My husband, daughter, and I met her at the door, told her it was a bad time for a visit, got in the car and drove off. She never did that again.

It's all about setting limits. It's time for her to move out and be on her own. All she is doing is making you resent her more than ever. She is not being a mom. She is being a leach. Get yourself a good social worker or counselor for your own sanity and set some limits with your mom. She will respect you for standing up for yourself. Take it from one who has been there!

freqflyer, Here is a previous question I had posted explaining the situation:

How to cope and keep the family farm?

First of all, let me say that my mother has never been a 'mother' to me or my four siblings. Since I can remember, she has been a hateful, jealous, selfish person who never spent time doing anything for, or with, her children. She only likes people who suck up to her. She has five grandchildren. The only one of them she ever liked was the one who was a con-artist with honey dripping from his forked tongue. Since my father's death almost 20 years ago, she gave this adult grandchild (and his mom) SO much money over the years it is unfathomable.

9 years ago, my mom was giving out inheritances. Everyone got a fairly large sum of cash except me. She asked me if I wanted cash or the 12 acres that remained of the farm I grew up on (since I was 5 y/o) and still live on. I'm now 52 y/o. I definitely wanted the property for sentimental and privacy reasons. She said, "It's yours."

Less than a year later, the fork-tongued grandson decided he wanted to live on the property. She let him put a trailer about 40 yards from my house. He laughed in my face and told me he was going to get the farm from her. He and his pregnant girlfriend terrorized me for several years, even turning my mom against me. I'll leave out the details, but they eventually had to move. My son now lives in the trailer with his family. The F-T grandson moved into his mom's rental property, and my mom moved into his basement. They continued to get money from her, although they did not check on her downstairs or do anything for her.

After my sister and I discovered the conditions my mom was living in (urine-soaked bed, feces on the floor, etc), I brought my mom to my house in January to live. I have lived alone for years, so it is an ongoing adjustment. I'm in college full-time in the nursing program. I will graduate in 1 year. My mom is incontinent, but the feces issue is over due to her eating good food now.

I have asked my siblings to take mom "for a day" to give me a break. I've had her for 6 months and no one has taken her even once. Of course, they all have lots of advice to give. One sister is accusing me of not doing anything for mom, and says that mom is "no problem for you."

I can barely handle mom now. The urine odor has permeated my home. I have to force her to take a shower and change clothes. She's very overweight, but keeps going to the store to buy junk food. She can drive to the store, but she does nothing in the house except make messes for me to clean up. She won't even put her plate in the sink when she gets up from the table. And, I know this sounds trivial, but she makes strange noises (intentionally) all the time, which is very annoying. I have NO peace in my own home. My concern is that one day I won't be able to take any more, and she'll have to go to a nursing home. The property is still not in my name, and I'm afraid I'll lose it to the nursing home. I don't know if I can stand this for 5 years.

All of my siblings have a lot more money than I do, but no one helps in any way. I feel like I have to keep mom here if I want to keep the property that should have been given when she gave everyone else their inheritance. If she were to live with anyone else, they would send her to a nursing home asap and have no problem with selling the property to pay for it. How do I continue to cope AND keep the land I've lived on my entire life? It isn't worth a lot of money, as most of it is flood plain. It's the sentimental value to me.

ReadytoGo, sounds like your Mom still drives, why doesn't your Mom find a senior apartment complex where the rent is based on her income? That way if if wants to live like Oscar Madison, then she can.

Just curious, where was your Mom living just prior of her moving in with you? And why did she move in at her young age [she's just a few years older than I am]?

JesseBelle, I've tried not cleaning up after her. Her bathroom got absolutely nasty, and her dishes sat on the table for 4 days before I picked them up. She goes to the store and buys HUGE green slushies and just stacks the empty cups beside her bed. She can't afford assisted living. My sis said to use her SS money to hire a housekeeper to clean once a week. I lived alone until she moved in. Thank God no one else lives here!

I'm not a medical expert either but I would boot her a** out. She sounds absolutely horrible.

I guess the other question really is what occasioned her moving in with you...and depression is in the differential diagnosis of lazy vs dementia too, of course. Depression questions - sleep schedule (early AM awakenings are classic) and appetite up or down (though with smoking it tends to be down anyway) and does she actually take any pleasure in any of the activities she does (e.g. laugh at a funny show, versus just avoiding feeling sad or bored?)

Well, her behavior may be somewhat chronic and just a little worse, but the fact that she has always behaved a little badly does not rule out also having mild cognitive impairment or dementia. Maybe you could get a home health person to come in and do some evaluation on her, or try to do a few of the MMSE items or one of the online self tests with her. Does she know the date, at least the year, and the day of the week? Can she draw a clock? Does she toilet and dress herself OK? Can she tell you anything about the TV shows she watches? If someone would call on the phone, could she formulate a sentence that made sense?

Your house, your rules. My mthr did the same when she came to visit when she was young, and lived in a hoarded home because she would not clean up. Nope.

That does not happen at my house. She was never invited to live here, she went straight to a home where she is safe and clean.

You said two things that really stuck out in my mind. She has a history of laziness and she smokes. People who are lazy aren't going to be inclined to do things like clean house. People who smoke usually have less energy than those who don't. Put the two together and it means a lot of extra work for you.

I usually like the idea of aging at home whenever possible, but I wonder if your mother is just going to cause so much resentment that she makes it miserable. Would she be able to afford moving to assisted living? People there will be paid to cook for her and clean up after. If you find yourself opening the garbage a hurling something else in, muttering curse words, it may be time to look for other options. You don't want your blood pressure to be raised every few minutes! It's not healthy for you and I'm sure it is hard on the rest of your family if anyone else lives with you.

She is only 71 so may have many more years to live. I hope she does have a long life, but wouldn't want to see her taking years off of yours. Big hugs. I know what you're going through. (Maybe we should have a group growl.)