Mom doesn't like living in the ALF and wants to leave; complains of everything. Any ideas?

We got mom some Xanax to relieve her anxiety, it did help for a while, then the MD added in Zoloft. Actually I am surprised the ALF took your mom, they want residents to be able to get to dinner. My only advice is to keep your visits pleasant. When she goes on a hunger strike in your presence, she is trying to punish you. So you avoid visiting during meals. You avoid visiting when there are activities she should participate in. Mom did all she could to make us sad, and two siblings took the bait. Then one day they showed up unannounced and caught her having fun with other residents. Busted.

A friend advised me to allow time for an elderly person to adjust to new circumstances. Two weeks is not enough time. Just be as cheerful and supportive as you can. I don't think any of us can really make another person happy.

When you visit, check the activities calendar and wheel her down to whatever is going on. Participate to the extent that you can and then return to the day room or wherever you can sit and visit other than her room. Some places have happy hours or ice cream socials and things like that. Help her to learn to participate, just like we teach our children how to play with other kids. Unless she yells and disrupts the activity, she can see that there are things to do outside of her room. That's what we did when mom was in rehab. Gosh there was an Elvis impersonator one night that was so good and so funny. I told her she doesn't have to participate, but she should watch. Maybe if she has a special interest, the social director could hook her up with someone else who shares this interest. Like Bridge games, or knitting circle or something like that. Hopefully she'll find her niche.

Thanks, all, Yes, the ALF took her even though she is non-ambulatory. They use a Hoyer Lift (which she hates); it is a smaller facility than most so smaller staff/pt ratio. However, if she does not adjust, we will place her in nursing home.

Taheger, don't despair. Has your mother been checked for depression? Maybe that is why she isn't eating. Its surprising the AL will take her considering she isn't mobile. There are a lot of activities in AL. If it is a nice place and you are comfortable she is getting good care and attention, you might want to give her a little time to adjust. Chances are she will eventually start to participate and make friends. Ask the nurses and aides how she is doing because she will not tell you, if she is anything like my mother. We moved Mom to AL two months ago. All my sister and I hear from her is complaints, whining and even verbal aggression. Yet, when I check with the nurses, they tell me she IS going to dinner, she IS participating and she IS making friends. She saves all the negativity for the family and is a different person to everyone else.

There are regularly scheduled activities; nice meals; and great care, but mom still says she doesn't like it there. I think she feels "safe" to complain to me. The staff give me different feedback. Mom is upset that she is unable to walk, go to the bathroom, needs a Hoyer lift and requires staff to change her briefs when she soils herself. She is a very private person and always took care of herself until last July. She has endured so many indignities and setbacks since then. I think that if it were me, I would feel the same as she does. The loss of independence is very hard for the human spirit. She is depressed; we have a psychiatric nurse practitioner meeting with her; I would be depressed, too. We cannot change the circumstances; and her dementia makes it more difficult to process the situation in a healthy way. I wish it were different. I go in and visit her; listen; and try to make her feel better. My prayer, though, is that God would take her soon and peacefully. I feel guilty for this...

Probably, get rid of the Xanax once the Zoloft has kicked in. It may relieve anxiety but used chronically it can aggravate depression and Zoloft, like all the SSRIs, is a much better first line choice for anxiety as well. See if you can line up a wheelchair taxi or van and do some outings with her too, and maybe bring a favorite food and/or favorite grandkid in for some visits.

I showed up in a penguin suit once. It was a big hit! My mom didn't care much for flowers - she preferred pizza and ice cream - but yours might like that, you never know. Mom liked getting her nails done, and eventually we got her into some of the activites - of all things, she got a kick out of an Elvis impersonator and a patriotic music tribute outdoors. Before we got a vehicle converted to take her out to eat every now and then, we actually brought her an entire Thanksgiving dinner including the whole turkey I'd roasted (favorite grandson carved) and they gave us a table up front in a nice conference room for it, and we had a special room for a whole family visit one Christmas before we moved her here when the neat little restaurant that was close enough to just wheel her to was closed.

As you pointed out, it's not that the place is bad, it's that she hates having to be there in the first place. You have to balance empathy for her losses and grief which are totally normal emotions that she should not have to deny, with a little bit of healthy or adaptive denial, at least in terms of getting as much pleasure out of life as still possible.

taheger Our feelings of guilt and empathy can be so overwhelming. Sounds like you are taking very good care of her.

The more you visit and sympathize, the more she'll be in "pity party" mode. I've had my boot up my narcissistic mother's backside for 15 years when she could still drive and do for herself to get out, meet people, volunteer, drop by the senior centre, but nope ... she even avoided the neighbours.

She's been in a nursing home for two and a half years now and, to this day, she will have nothing to do with anyone (they're beneath her), just lays in bed.

When I was there yesterday she wanted me to wheel her outside and take her for a "walk" ... nope it was windy and cold.

I was headed home to do some outside work around my property. "Can I come with you?" Nope ... we've been through this a million times - she can't sit up or stand, I can't lift her and the NH staff aren't allowed to lift her into a vehicle for insurance reasons.

Her response? "Well, I'll just lay here and wait to die". Sorry toots, I don't buy into your pity party. Her birthday was this month. A few days ago when I visited there was a tea party going on with treats and music to celebrate the month's birthdays. Where was Her Ladyship? In bed waiting, according to her, to die.

You can't help someone who refuses to be helped and just leans on you as the sole source of their entertainment and happiness.

In addition to the medical care, I really agree with pamstegman and txcamper! My mom fell and broke her hip, too. She spent over a month in acute care and rehab. Her doctor and I agreed that she could not go back to the large home in the country where she and my dad had lived. He passed away almost ten years before mom's fall. She began having balance problems and falling before "the" fall that broke the hip. While she was in rehab, I visited every ALF that was within ten miles of where my husband and I live. I walked into a couple and turned around and left. Thankfully, I found two that I really liked. Mom was furious with the doctor and me when she was told she could no longer live alone and, worse than that, that she couldn't drive! I am glad my emotional makeup and personality were much like my dad's. When mom and I left the doctor's office and she proclaimed that the doctor was full of s--t, I just let her vent. I was like you; I felt so sorry for her. I could only imagine how difficult it had to be to give up her independence. We went to lunch; and, when things were calm, I told her I had chosen two very nice places for her to look at. I tried to seem excited for her...told her they were like a cruise ship on land. In many ways, they were. I told her we could visit both, then she could make the choice. We went to lunch and had a tour of the first one. As we drove away, she said we didn't need to visit the other one...that she liked that one. I was retired, but working part time at something I loved. I made time, though, to take mom shopping and pick out smaller furniture than she had at home. I picked out a frilly, feminine bedspread and valance for her room. We measured, shopped, and talked about how nice it was going to be to be around new people and not worry about cleaning a big house. When she vented or protested, I just listened. When she moved in, the room looked so pretty and inviting. I stayed and ate dinner with her. A lot of the residents introduced themselves and told mom how much she was going to like living there. They all said that it wasn't as good as home, but she would learn to like it. I made a point to call her in the mornings, and I visited her every day at first. I went with her to the activities. She, too, really rocked when the Elvis impersonator sang! We went to Bingo, crafts, shows...anything I thought she might enjoy. Actually I enjoyed some of them, too. :) Mom was a little shy, so I would introduce myself and her to other residents. One of her table mates became her best friend and my second mom. It wasn't long before I had to look for her when I visited, and she knew everyone who lived there. I still visited almost every day, and at first she was full of new things to tell me. Gradually, as her health began to decline and the newness of the ALF wore off, she began to complain about the food, the people, etc. When the stress of all I was doing there, at home and work became a problem for me, I had to set boundaries. I told her if she couldn't allow me to enjoy my time with her, I wasn't going to visit very often. She worshipped the ground I walked on, so she didn't want that! We made it a game after that. Every time she said something negative, I was going to kiss her, tell her I loved her, and go home. She started to say something negative and would catch herself, and we giggled and laughed together like we did before the fall that changed her life. I apologize for writing so much. It has been quite a while since I have posted anything, and your situation touched my heart and brought back memories. I hope something I have said helps you. Since your mom is going to live there, make it a part of your life, too....and enjoy your mom. My mom passed away on June 1 four years ago. I still go to the facility to visit now and then, and I try to give someone else's mom a treat, just by listening to them. The treat becomes mine, though, because I enjoy the visit...and feel close to my mom. May God bless you and your mom as you begin what is going to be a difficult journey together. Chersh every moment with her.

Mother is 96 and always wants to "run by the house. (She has been gone 2 years.) I cannot transport her, so I just tell her to make the arrangements for a medical transport.

So, you can turn it back on your mom. "Where would you go?" "How will you get there?" "Can you walk well enough to get up the steps?"

Good luck. I can imagine what you are going through.

Chicago my mother wants/needs her hair done badly (looks like she fell off a broomstick). There's a hair dresser who comes to the NH once a week but she doesn't like how he does it and she's determined to go to a "Real Salon". However she can't sit up or stand and is incontinent so even the med transport wouldn't take her.

I gave up arguing with her to let the visiting hair dresser do it, agreeing she would make her own arrangements. Of course she hasn't and I won't mention it ...I'm off the hook.

As far as turning it back on Mommie Dearest, that doesn't work. As far as she's concerned she can have a house, do steps, do whatever is necessary. I avoid that subject like the plague. The mind wants but the body says no way. There's no reasoning with a narcissist who has dementia and now hallucinations..

Allow time for transition, get busier and less available. When conversing, keep it very positive and control the conversation towards what is good not bad. Consider a temporaty transition med to help her cope with her anxiety. Stay strong and realize nobody likes change yet your the POA for a reason. Stay in close communication with the care staff and give tips on favorite foods, games etc.

Ashlynne, your mom sounds like mine. With her dementia, I'm never sure if she is just longing for the past or whether she really believes she can drive and take care of a house. The claims about the car finally stopped when she was 97, but at 100, she is still asking for her own apartment! Regardless, it's a sad (albeit very annoying) constant lamenting over their lost independence. That is why we begged the doctor to give her antidepressants - because she would be unhappy and sad anywhere she is - and if a drug can lift her spirits it is a better world for her. No sense arguing with them as they don't reason any more, nor do they remember the conversation 10 minutes later. Re hairdressers - in IL, if she didn't have her "regular girl", she hated her hair and combed it all out. (Of course, once she has her hair washed and set, whoever does it, she goes a full week with bedhead and never combs the back of it, ever) Since I broke my ankle and haven't seen her for the past two weeks, seems to be doing better - without me or my sister there to complain to, she keeps her mouth shut and learns to adjust. Her life in AL is much less unhappy than she wants us to believe. What is wonderful about AL (that doesn't exist in Independent Living) is the routine, same time to eat each meal, the same people to sit with, activities at the same time of day, each day of the week, etc. That is so much more comforting for a dementia patient who gets easily confused and upset by change. Mom complained about AL all the time, was confused a lot - but the two things she did, religiously, were two scheduled events, always the same time and day - her hair appointment and the cocktail hour on Friday afternoon.

Ladies, I do believe some of you are visiting my mother. :) When she first went to the NH, I put money in her account. (hair and nails, or whatever) She called me and had a b*tch fest and said "Do not put money in my account." ?? OK. Now, 2 years later, she asked my sister to put money in her account and schedule her hair. Well, she hasn't gotten her hair done, I suspect because she isn't paying for it.

I am in AZ. She is in IL. So, I went back a year ago, for her 95th birthday, but she became dependent on me, again. Carrying for her, led to my sister's early death, so I realize what a problem she can be.

Chicago, we gave mom cash for her cut & color, then found out she skipped the beauty salon or tried to underpay the beautician. So now, once a month, I write a check to the beautician, hand it to her and let her set up the appointment with mom. Mom knows it's already paid for, so she goes to the salon.

#1 suggestion: MUSIC. Make sure she has a kids boom box that she can operate. And CD's of happy music. #2: FOOD. Sometimes they just want something that made them feel good before -- ice cream, chocolate bar, pie, chips. You could ask her what she'd like to have on hand to snack on, for times when she doesn't want to eat their meals. Get her little juice boxes and fruit cups, so she'd have something nutritious too. #3: ROUTINE & ANTICIPATION. It helps her to have some things to count on. If you have a calendar that marks when your visits will be, for example. Or mark on the calendar that this is the day your are bringing her a frozen Pepperidge Farm Cake. Something to look forward to! #4: PERSONAL POWER. Giving her some power would be helpful, since that's what has been stripped away. If she's mentally competent. Have her give you suggestions for gifts she'd like you to buy family members, or for which jewelry pieces she'd like to give to the granddaughters, etc. #5: HAPPY DISTRACTION. How about getting her a personal DVD player with headphones. (They focus better that way.) The DVD players for kids are the easiest to use. Then get her a whole series -- of Downton Abbey,,,Laverne and Shirley...sometimes those have five hours on one disk before it needs to be changed. Old TV series are fun. Little house on the prairie. etc. Think of what perked up her spirits before.

The good thing about Mom's AL is that for the beauty salon, we deposit a lump sum and they run an account and let us know when it gets low. Mom, of course, from IL programmed to write a check every week and so far it is really hard to convince her she doesn't have to do that. If she wants a snack all she has to do is go to the dining room and ask. She has no need of money or to write checks, which she hates and obsesses about but will eventually get used to everything "being free".

Thank you very much for all your comments and sharing your experiences. This has been very helpful to me.

I could write a book on my parents. My Dad was in the nursing home for 2 1/2 years and past the end of January of this year at 92. He was a sweetheart and very seldom complained it was a joy to visit him and help with his eating.
My mother on the other hand was and is still a problem she went into the same nursing home as my Dad but on the ALF side and she complains about everything she is 87. She doesn't like it there but could not live alone anymore and refused help to come in and we had not other choice to put her were she is. No matter what I do for her it is never good enough but I have tried my very best and that is all I can do. I go see her once a week and when I get there and I get the "look" I leave as even though I try not to let it get to me it does.
It really is hard road you won't the best for them but they also know how to push your buttons
I wish I could be of more help but just take one day at a time and know that you are doing the best you can for her. Good luck.

Wow , I am really surprised at some of these replys" Just my Opinion" This is your parent, The gave life to you , loved you , Listened to you complain most of your life, Hugged you when you needed it , was tough on you when you need that to! Your parents probably put up with alot of ******* from you in your lifetime, Now its your turn. Only you wont usually have to care for a parent for 30 years! Its a blessing to give back to a parent, Is is always fun , NO! But life is perception, at the end of the road all everyone has is memories. Giving of yourself to a parent is not easy as we become older but its a great gift . I had my Mom in a ALF for 5 Years, They were full of *********.. My mom was board and depressed, the food was awful , I finally brought her home and Hired a full time aid. My mom has done a 30/60 turnaround . it took awhile to adjust, But she goes to the Y and swims no everyday, chair exercise, movie monthly, Sr center, Park outings, Off all meds and yest she has dementia, But the more interactive with her and outdoor activities she came back life .. oh she also goes to art class on monday, and the paintings are amazing, I do bedtime with her and each night we play cards and crack up, so when i go to bed at night I have a wonderful smile on my face that I have given her all the love she gave me growing up, Is it easy NO!!! but it sure is worth it!

It is a difficult transition but it sounds like it is needed at least for a short time. Explain to her the more she rehabs the quicker she can go home. It may be that she won't rehab, then you make her room as 'homey' as possible. You can take her on outings, shopping etc. Tell her you are glad she is still around for you to enjoy, I like the response above, sounds like it's worth trying. Think how difficult this is for your mom, going from home to a hospital to assisted living, she has given up much, privacy, independence, her home etc. Be patient and supportive. You can contact your local area agency on aging and ask about what in home programs are available that your mom may qualify for. Maybe is she improves a bit, she can go home with in home help. good luck

Shortly before my father passed, 16 years ago, he said to me "your mother will never be satisfied with anything" ... and he'd tried for over 50 years to appease her demands and wants. If she didn't get her own way she'd go on and on, then not speak to him for days/weeks until he caved in but when she got what she wanted it wasn't good enough. I truly believe she's been mentally ill her whole life.

For the two and a half years she's been in the NH she's refused to associate with anyone (they're beneath her). It was her birthday last week and when I visited on Thursday there was a tea party with live music going on for folks whose birthday was in April but anyone could join in.

Where was Mommie Dearest? Lying in bed feeling sorry for herself and saying "I'm just going to lay here and wait to die" ... proper little ray of sunshine on a Thursday afternoon! :)

I've tried taking her fruit, chocolates, snacks and so on but now she's refusing them, just skin and bone and eats next to nothing. It's almost like she's trying to punish the rest of the world because she's 89 with major health issues but, in reality, she's just punishing herself. You can't help someone who won't be helped.

Dear Taheger
When I had to put my mom in a nursing facility, she also was wheelchair-bound, had dementia, could not remember things of the present, but could remember way back. She kept talking about going home (the home was the one she grew up in). She mentioned this each time someone would visit her. When I was with her, she asked me why I put her there. As hard as it was, I answered her each time and told her the doctor said she need to get stronger, then changed the subject and would go to activities, or would just visit with some of the other residents. I always brought her to her meal at either lunch or dinner (depending on what time of day I was there). She did not want to eat the food sometimes, but if I joined her, we talked and she ate some. She would forget, and we'd go through it all again the next day. Some days were better than others, but you just do what you need to do to get through - I usually cried most of the way back home. I felt sad leaving her there even though she would watch me go and I'd wave to her (I even tear up just writing this), but knew she was safe and well cared for. Enjoy her in the moment in "her world" and try to keep from getting run down yourself. Take a few moments each day to re-charge your own "batteries" so that you don't get sick. I used to pray that God would take her and not let her suffer too much, and He finally did, in His time. I have no regrets, and know that I did all I could to make her comfortable and honor her right up to the end. God bless you and all you're going through right now.

I can identify with just about everything here. My mother had had several falls at home then she broke her hip (probably due to a stroke). She is ninety. She has been in a nursing home for a few months and is unhappy with it however she cannot walk without an aide present and accroding to the staff is not fit to return home without 24/7 care which we cannot afford. She's been diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia but she is pretty coherent, just has trouble getting words out and explaining things in detail. The problem is that before "the fall" she was mostly independent. All that has changed. I am waiting to see if she can make more progress but it is slow and the impression I get from the compassionate nh staff is that it is unlikely that she will improve enough to return to living by herself. I really don't know what to do. I have thought that maybe it is better to set up everything at home with the maximum care we can afford, take her back and hope for the best but if I have to sign a waiver with the nh, am I behaving responsibly? I realize how quality of life is important, so maybe she should go home even if there is risk. It was not was not easy finding a good nh and I hate to see her lose her place there and have a long wait to get back in but she says that she "would rather die" than stay in the nh indefinitely, so it is a real dilemma.

Ashlynne, great answer. At the risk of sounding mean and bitter I am dealing with pretty much the same situation. We do our very best, but it is SO frustrating and demoralizing to see someone squander resources - monetary, emotional, supportive - from so many people who want and try to help - and do nothing to help themselves. Sad to say, but when my mom passes, my overriding reaction will probably be, what a waste. Very sad. As someone referenced, we are not nasty and unwilling to care for a parent. But when it all seems for naught and the person doesn't at least TRY to help, then you have to wonder, why bother. My mantra is: There's something wrong when somebody else cares more about remedying the situation than the person who's most impacted.

It, understandably, took my mother almost a year to adjust to a new life after leaving her home of over 50 years. The new routine finally became reassuring and she has bonded with some of the staff (hasn't really made any new friends, but she has met people at dinner). If she gets sick, it sets her back a bit. It isn't perfect, but it's much better for her and all of us. I was so grateful that a wise person had told me to expect it to take awhile. At first, there was too much pressure for her to be "happy" and that made it stressful for her, I think. Listen for awhile, then change the subject. I had to keep our phone calls short and always had an excuse to get off the phone when I needed to. It's such a relief that she has adjusted now! We also have a Geriatric Care Manager that visits every two weeks and serves as our eyes and ears and gives us objective advice...such a big help. And I have started meditating, doing yoga and going to the gym to deal with the stress! Hang in there.

Ashlynne &Tornadojan-sounds like the two of you can provide good support to each other because of the similarity of your elder care challenges. I hope you can continue to support each other. This web site has helped me so much. Just knowing that other people have some of the same thoughts, feelings and frustrations has allowed me to remove the burden of guilt from my shoulders. This enables me to be a better daughter to my mother, better wife to my husband, better mother to my children and better employee. My mother wanted to make AL work even though she loved her home of 50+ years. Today she went to exercise class, sing-a-along, lunch, and bingo. The food is good and the other residents friendly. Don't let the opinions of others get you down!

It took my mom six months to adjust. Lots of complaining and tears at times. They eventually make some friends or you might say "war buddies."

I appreciate the comments. I think a few were a bit judgmental, but I will take it with a grain of salt. My mother, who suffered a brain aneurysm 20+ years ago, lived with me for 2.5 years in our walk out basement apartment which was very comfortable for her until she began to fall and we could not pick her up without calling 911. I had a chair stair lift installed so she could access the main level of our home anytime she wanted. She got herself out of the house and to the adult day care bus four days per week, and I hired a caregiver from an in home agency one day per week. I work full time, and there is no option for me to quit my job and stay at home to provide hands on care myself. My mother weighs 200 lbs, When she started falling, we made the decision to move her to an ALF. Unfortunately, she fell again while there and broke her hip. Now she is non-ambulatory; it takes two persons to assist with transfers, and she requires a Hoyer lift. Living at home again is simply not an option. I am sad because her condition and quality of life declined gradually over the past year. I am coming to terms with this. I think this is why she hates the new ALF that we moved her into after 3 months in rehab. She is grieving her loss of functioning. The facility itself is very nice with all the activities and staff are great. We have a care plan meeting next Tuesday to decide whether she will stay at the ALF, or if she will transfer to a nursing home. She needs heavy assistance; she is at the highest level of care.