Mom in early stages of dementia- am I able to handle this on my own?

I feel your pain - having my mother move in with us nearly 2 years ago has been the most stressful event in my life so far. She is more difficult than when I had 3 children under the age of 5. Although my mom doesn't have dementia (yet...knock on wood), she does have more chronic illnesses and conditions than any one person should have to deal with. Not a week goes by that there isn't at least one dr. appointment, and the amount of help she requires (she is 3 mos. post hip replacement, and still has a great deal of mobility restrictions, so she is in a wheelchair most of the time), I can't leave the house for more than a few hours at a stretch. I am unable to work due to all of the above, so that is putting stress on our finances big time, and even though she "helps out" each month, it's not enough to pay down our debt and put money towards retirement, which is what I am supposed to be doing while my husband busts his butt just to cover everything else. Believe me I understand where you're coming from on all of the manifestations - I have anxiety, guilt & stress as well - add to that list menopause and all of THOSE lovely symptoms & I'm a wreck half the time..haha! I just have to keep reminding myself that my mother wont be around for ever and I should enjoy her company while she is here, but she doesn't make it easy that's for sure. Good luck to you...wish I could be more help! :)

P.S. - my mom is deaf as a stone also, but refuses to admit it, so we are constantly repeating ourselves. Fun.

It is entirely possible for individuals to care for a dementia patient in a private home through the mild stage and even into the moderate stage (depending on the exact symptoms). More advanced stages get considerably more iffy for home care. So ... it is likely that Mom may need care in a professional setting eventually.

But for now, if you want to attempt to care for your mother in your home, here are some suggestions:

1) Learn all you can about dementia, and if you know it, about the specific kind of dementia she has. Knowing what to expect doesn't make the symptoms pleasant but removing the element of surprise helps some. And it definitely helps you not take them personally.
2) Realize that change can be hard on those with dementia. If Mom has to make another change in her living arrangements, that may set her back some. Expect this. Give her plenty of time to settle in and regain a sense of calm.
3) About sisters who criticize: blow 'em off. Try, "You may be right, Sis. Would you like Mom to come live with you for a month, so you can try out these theories and let me know what works best?" and then "Sorry, I'm only listening to constructive ideas this week," and then, "I think we'd all get along better if we talk about other things instead of Mom." Set boundaries with your sisters and ENFORCE them.
4) About the loud tv: OMG, dementia or not, married 30 years or not, I would simply have wound up divorced or in a mental ward if it weren't for that wonderful invention wireless earphones. And the gods bless closed captions when we watched something together, so he could follow without the volume damaging my eardrums. Mom won't wear earphones? Sorry, she wouldn't live in my house unless she agree to that.
5) No individual or couple can be 24/7/265 caregivers, especially to someone with dementia, and retain their sanity. Can't be done. So before she even moves in, make plans for regular respite care. Have a Granny Sitter come in one night a week. Make plans for someone else to be with her so you can get away one weekend a month. Take longer vacations once or twice a year. These are ESSENTIAL. Figure out how you can do that before you invite your mom to live with you.
6) Mom may be able to be alone during your work hours now. Plan ahead for when that is no longer true. Investigate adult day programs in your area. Often they pick up the participants and return them home, providing a hot lunch and possibly even breakfast.
7) Look at your finances carefully. You have your own old age to plan for. To the extent that she can, Mom should be paying her own way, and that includes paying you enough to arrange for the respite care. If mom has no resources to even pay her own way, start the process of applying for Medicaid. That can help with in-home needs such as the adult day program.

I cared for my husband through all stages of dementia, for nine-and-a-half years, and he died holding my hand in our bedroom. It can be done. BUT the spouse relationship is very different than the parent/child relationship, and my husband had relatively mild versions of all stages. If you do this, don't necessarily expect you'll continue to do it through all stages. And if you try it and it is a total disaster, have the grace and courage to try something different, for you mother's sake as well as for your own.

thanks for the quick replies....
jeannegibbs- am I embarrassed to say- I didn't know of the different stages... at first primary care dr wrote it off as Short term memory loss due to age. She has been taking Airicept and Namenda for a year now, I don’t see any improvement. Do I take her to a specialist? Which one?
You offered some great advice. It was my first post here, I have just been stalking.. :) I appreciate the support and words of wisdom.
As far as the headphones- do you have any suggestions on product names? I will give it a try.

Wireless headphones are WONDERFUL. My mom is hard of hearing, and having the sound go directly in the ear enables her to comprehend what is being said much better, so her frustration is less. It also has saved my eardrums! Sony makes a great set of wireless headphones that last up to 25 hours before needing to be recharged. There is another type that runs off triple AAA batteries--I can't think of the name of these, but they also work very well. I am a BIG ADVOCATE of the wireless headphones.

Flutter, I just walked into a large electronic store nine years ago and asked for wireless headphones. I got the last package they had it stock. It happened to be Sennheiser. All I've done since then is replace the foam ear pads a couple of times. (They have an online store.) I'm sure there are many good brands. I didn't do comparison shopping -- I just wanted something TODAY! I lucked out with a good product.

Very few internists or GPs have a clue about how to deal with dementia. Geriatricians have more experience and they make the best primary care doctors for the elderly (with or without dementia). My husband's wonderful geriatrician handled his day-to-day health needs but was also very knowledgeable about his type of dementia. A behavioral neurologist treated his dementia, and kept the PCP up-to-date on drug changes, etc. She was very conscientious about drug interactions. The combination of a geriatrician and a behavioral neurologist worked very well for us. Another specialist who deals with dementia is a geriatric psychiatrist.

Good luck to you!

PS -- The thing about drugs like Airicept and Namenda is that it is hard to know if they are working because you don't know whether your loved one would be worse now without them. Did they help slow down the progression? Hard to say.

Please have your mom's ears checked for earwax buildup. I thought for sure my mom's "hearing loss" was going to require a hearing aid, but the ENT I brought her tod said her earwax buildup was monumental. She removed it and voila! no more problems. The TV volume went from 65 back down to 20.

OMG! Flutter you have to be my twin! I feel for you because I have been doing this for over 2 years now. You can VENT to me ANYTIME, I will always be there to listen because your situation is an exact replica of my life. I am beginning to believe that I am in worse shape than my 94 year old Mom. Walk into a room and say, "what did I come in here for?", so tired, I fall asleep if I set down, only to have her wake me up every time, my hair has fallen out so much that I had to get hair extensions, I lost over 30 lbs and was doing really good controlling my weight and after being confined to the house (because she panics if I get out of her sight), I have gained the 30 lbs back, plus!! I eat all the wrong foods because I grab as I go. Getting out of the house is a trip to the post office, 10 min. tops! Or, when my Mom goes to bed (she never gets back up until morning after she goes, which can be anywhere from 4 to 9 in the evening) my husband may run out for a bite to eat, late (and that is NOT good) or run to Walmart and you might see us in there from 10 to 12 at night! My house is a MESS, because I have lost all interest in everything. If it weren't for my cat, who is like a person, inside and my 2 cats in the garage and 1 outside, I would go stark raving crazy!! My husband tries to help, but it always has to be me. She doesn't want to eat, take a bath, brush her teeth or change her Depends. It is a constant, did you do this? And, her response is always yes I did, but I know better, because I have to do it for her, but she doesn't remember that! She has had so many near death experiences in the past 2 years that her doctor had even given up on her. Then after a bout with pneumonia, congestive heart failure and blood clots in the lungs about 6 months ago, she perked up and has never had a problem, but that still doesn't help the
dementia. I know my husband is tired, too. We were always on the go and ride
motorcycles and out and about doing things, but he stays right by my side. I even, through depression or trying to satisfy myself, got myself in trouble with credit cards and had to have credit counseling. At the time, I guess I was satisfying myself by shopping, and then you think, why did I buy that?? Christmas was NOT festive. Mom thought it was my husband's birthday and she was opening presents when he was! The decorations or Christmas shows on TV never even phased her. I am sooooo scared for my health right now. I need exercise and weight control because I am too short for my weight and there is just NO way to get it. We have no family, except a daughter and she is a Physician Assistant and a newlywed and soooo busy getting her career established. Every now and then on a day off, she gets me out of the house to go eat or shop (in my case look) or she will buy me something to make me feel better. But, my husband is home with my Mom and it is a constant "have you heard from her", "where did she go", "when is she coming home" and that means I can't be gone for any length of time, or he will be going "bonkers", too!

Yes, you have taken on a heavy load, but you will be able to handle it, because it is your Mother. And, it may sound bad, but my daughter assures me it is NOT, to take an anxiety medicine. I believe it has saved what sanity I have left. Mom's doctor knew what I was experiencing so he gave me a prescription for Prozac. It's not a cure, but it does take the edge off, when the going gets tough. Oh, and Mom is completely DEAF. She even has the best hearing aids ever because she was so deaf and we still repeat constantly. Mostly, no conversation at all, because she doesn't understand or comprehend anything. My best wishes to you and when you need to vent, I am there to listen. Take care of yourself, because as a caregiver, we always come in last, but I am praying that we will survive.
Take care and a very Happy New Year to you!

I understand how frustrating caregiving for a parent can be. If you are bringing your mom into your home, things will change for you and your husband, that is sort of a given. If you work, I would look into having an adult day care program for your mom while you are at work. I would check out any and all services your mother qualifies for with the "office of aging" in your county. Even if you don't think she "needs" the service, reconsider because the more help you get with caregiving the better.
Then try to simplify the duties you will be taking on( the bills, the pills, the bathing, the feeding, the mobility concerns etc.) If you don't have a POA you need to get one to handle her finanical issues. If you can do the pills mail order, it saves you wasted time going to the pharmacy for example. If you can get a primary doctor who comes to the house, you will not be taking off time from your job to sit in doctor waiting rooms as each medical condition occurs.

Even though your sisters live out of state, see if they can help some way. Perhaps they can send a check to you to underwrite some of the extra costs
you will face caring for your mother. Perhaps they pay for her hairdos, transportation costs to the adult day care. They still have a bargain with you stepping up to care for mom. What's the worse they can say--no--you are no worse off then you are now.:)

I would ask the doctor what therapy might help your mother want to socialize again. I think social interaction for the elderly is important whether they have or don't have dementia. My father loved a digital picture frame with important people from his present and past on the device. He loved to watch it in the morning as he ate his breakfast. Seeing his parents each day, brightened his mood and he would remember some new "stories" about his parents which he would share with me.

Hang in there. I know the pressures of a new job and especially in this crazy economy keeping the job is important. Check out family leave laws so you know how to use them if you must. 2 states have paid family leave (CA and NJ). But the unpaid national family leave at least secures your job.

Happy new year.

Elizabeth

I want to mention "therapeutic fibbing". When a dementia patient asks "have you heard from her?" the answer is yes, I just spoke to her, she's fine, she'll be home in a little while. This can be adapted to many situations.

hugely helpful answers here for me as well, so thank you flutter for your question!

we are a month in with our new living situation wit my FIL living with us, and i am beginning to see how important boundaries are when a new person comes to live in your home. tv ear phones are a must! alone time is hard to find though, and i agree that it is vital that we caregivers get alone time as a couple, or family unit of mom, dad, kids. i have noticed that we all relate to each completely differently when FIL is with us, because he changes the energy dynamic of our family, and so i have also insisted that we will start having time alone just as a family in the new year.

good luck, flutter. are there any groups or organisations your mom can join in with every now and then where you live? eg, we have a group here that arranges day trips into the mountains, or to an alpine lake for over 70's plus who are still mobile, and various other activities based on interests and capabilities.

loved the idea of the digital picture frame, elizabeth! will definitely try that out this week!

re losing your sanctuary, flutter - i hear you completely. i have just made a little alcove upstairs in the attic room into a sanctuary of sorts for the kids and i, where we can all escape for a few mins to breathe. he can't get up there, so it is calm and peaceful. is there a little space you can claim as just yours, and turn it into your own private space?

good luck, and hang in there. this forum is amazing, and the response from everyone is an absolute sanity saver. i read the posts of others and can relate to their situation, and then read the various answers and find them so very helpful.

lots of love to you all and happy new year!

Let me first say, there are several of us in your situation. The TV blasting and no hearing aid thing is really hard on my wife and I right now. We have tried every way possible to convince my mother to get a hearing aid, but she wont. I went to radio shack last nite and spent $120 on wireless boxes and speakers, and now I have to solder connections together to get speakers like on a computer put next to her chair in hopes that we can get the TV volume down some in the house, cause she likes to watch tv but we all have to yell to speak over it.

I suggest you contact the department of Aging, and also speak to the local Alzheimer's Assoc. and get some free help and advice from them. We did, and it was a big help.
Whether you believe in God or not, I suggest you pray to him to give you the peace you need inside your mind, body, and soul to help deal with this intense pressure from a new job and moving your mom into your home.
In my case, I am self employed, and taking care of my mom is just ruining my business I spent 9 years building, and moved it 1300 miles to be near her to take care of her. I wasnt as lucky to get her to move near me, as she refused when she was in good enough shape that no one could tell her what to do, but we saw the train coming off the rails, and spent 10's of thousands of dollars moving our home and all my equipment half way across the country.

I only wish I could have gotten her to move in with us, as we spent most of our saving on the move, and now my business suffers greatly. Sorry to cry about my situation, but all I can say is your situation could be worse, as could all our situations, so we need to pray for help from the Lord and ask for patience each day to deal with what new things are ahead. Thank God my wife has been willing and able to be apart of the solution and not another problem in the big picture.
Use the local resources like Department of Aging and the Alzheimer's Assoc.

They can provide a list of care givers in the area, and help with suggestions based on your situation. I am sure there are others who can help, and they can probably send you there way.
Good luck and hang in there. Remember this, as I was taught this by someone else who deals with dimentia and alzhemiers daily. Its better to live in there REALITY when you can, and just go along with what they say and do when you can. I know it sounds like lieing, but its just better for them if they think they are back in High school and are talking about the spring dance that you just go along with it, rather than try to convince them that they are talking nonsense and try to bring them back to 2012. I know your mom is not that bad yet, but I am really just trying to make a point that its better to go along with what they say when it doesnt hurt anyone or anything. We call it "living in their reality" and find it is just better than arguing about what day or year it is at times.
regards, and God Bless you and your family and give you the strength that you need to deal with this aging parent.

Susan, I must have missed the idea behind the digital picture frame, and just saw in your post that you thanked Elizibeth for the idea. can you share that idea again so I know what you speak of regarding how you use the digital picture frame?
God Bless........

My heart goes out to you. My father passed in May from dementia among many other conditions. I had him in my home for 5yrs with 2 children alone. His dementia began after about a yr. He began to get angry and violent at times, only towards me, but I had to just count to 10 and realize this was not my father anymore. He began to detiorate over the yrs and would not remember my name. I have one other sibling with my father and he lived in another state so it was all up to me. My father was a retired highway patrol and texas ranger and the nursing home would have taken every penny he had not too mention when i placed him there after hospital stays to recoop he would ball up in a fetal position and refuse to eat so my only choice was to keep him home with me or he would die:( it was very stressful. I was pretty much a prisoner in my own home. Today I can see how it not only affected me, but my children as well. But in all honesty, my Dad was the best Dad in the world before he got sick and I feel like I would have lived with alot of regret had I not taken care of him for the past 5yrs. I wish you all the luck and just remember, even though you are about to lose your mind sometimes, enjoy every precious moment you can with your mother. I wish my Dad were still here, but in his normal mental state..if u have any questions about dementia, feel free to ask...Happy New Year...Kim

@dt ... elizabeth suggested getting a digital photo frame and then spooling pics of the family, or special occasions, or people that he knows on it, so that he has aconstant visual reminder of important events and of the people he loves.

i think its a great idea, and i have a spare digital photo player, so am going to get the kids to make him a slide show up.

will keep you posted on how it works!

Flutter, one more thing. Often times they put folks like my mom and your mom on some sort of anti depressant...my mom is on zoloft, and it helps with the anger and the mean things that the disease might bring out in them.

I suggest you find a good doctor for your mom to help with the correct regiment of meds. The right meds helped my mom......she will never get better of coarse, but at least they help in the over all picture, and we laugh alot, as I kid with her all the time, and she kids back pretty good..........
we were taking her to my sisters house for a visit and i had to stop for gas, so I looked at my mom and said, "you need anything from the gas station, and she said no. Then I said, dont you want me to get you cigarettes (she doesnt smoke and quit 30 years ago thank God) while I am in there," and her response was , "No, get me Cigars" and me and my wife started laughing, and so did she.....

My point is, I try to make jokes like that, even if they are corny, all the time and make her laugh as much as possible. the latest joke in the house is I tell her I want a Helicopter, and that my wife says no way! We get my mom in on the conversation about it and just laugh and make up silly stuff about what we would do with the helicopter and where we would go if we had it.......its better than silence or the TV blasting cause she cant hear..............anyway, just wanted to mention that.
p.s. I really do want a helicopter, but my wife thinks i am kidding. I cant ride dirt bikes any more cause of all the rods and screws in my back, and I figure an experimental type one seat helicopter is like a dirt bike you fly 50 feet off the ground. I am trying to find something cheap that I can rebuild or repair, as I cannot afford the real deal that is fancy......I hope before my mom is gone she can look out the window into the field one day and see me hover off the ground with my junky flying machine and remember all those days we kidded about me owning one while my wife said NO way Jack!

Yes you can, I've had my Mom living with my husband and I for 5 years now. It goes in stages and our love for her and who she "was" stands strong. Forget your family, they wont be there, even the closest of siblings as I thought ours was, was never there for me. I've heard more excuses and the stress of begging isn't worth it. Hopefully you are her DPOA. We finally realized that Mom wasn't in the least bit responsible for her actions. I've had her get up, drop her pants and pee all over the floor and get back into bed not understanding what she did. I've had her try and jump out a window, beat up a caretaker , and scream at me that she used to trust me! This was from my former quiet mannered, sweetest best mother in the world, its all the disease. She doesnt walk or talk anymore, but sometimes she surprises me with an "I love you" which melts my heart. We are now at the point that my husband and I hoyer her into bed at night and we change her diaper as a team. When we get the diaper on straight we " high five" eachother, put on her fuzzy socks, cover her up and then I sing her to sleep. She priceless and will be here forever with us. My husband and adult children are proud of us but believe me, it does take a humungus toll on us all. I cant go out without hiring a cna and being housebound has caused me to have anxiety now when I do go out. My arm is injured from lifting her onto the toilet to bathe her. I cant babysit our grandchildren or have any privacy with a cna here but again, mom is worth it and she would do it for us. I suggest start searching now for a great caretaker who understands the disease. Also, put a combination keypad lock on your bedroom door and keep all of your private papers and things in your room so no one can take or look at, just in case. Put locks on the tops of all of your doors to be prepared for the wandering stage. We've all changed our lives around Mom being here, our grandchildren come here to visit and even though they are toddlers they even want to pump up the hoyer lift to help their great-nana into her recliner, how cute is that? I can tell you that our best friend through all of this is the medication depakote sprinkles. Once mom took off up the road on my caretaker I called her neurologist and he prescribed it. I only gave her half of what he prescribed but it calms their brain down significantly and it stopped her wandering. To my surprise she was happier on medication, verses off it, she apparently didnt like her aggitation either but couldnt express it. Hang in there, its a long long road but as the golden rule says we need to treat others how we would want to be treated.

DT, I love your post, we too have had many many laughs through the years and still do. Even though my Mom cannot talk I tell her things and she laughs. Most mornings she wakes up laughing hysterically in her bedroom alone and talking to the ceiling. Hey, she is happy right? haha I then go in and tell her she "always has company!" and she laughs loud each and everytime I repeat it to her! I then tell her I think she stole all the blankets in the house and she laughs, shes such a joy. We will have so many memories wont we!

It is not easy I can tell you that. My sister and I have put our whole lives on hold for our mother. Our mother is not only hard of hearing but she is blind as well and in a wheelchair. We have no support except each other and there are times that is still not enough. Our prayers are with it is a long and hard road but we as children soon become the parnet and they become the child. It will be hard at times but leave everything to the Lord and he will help you though this. Again, our prayers are with you. We have had our mother for over 30 years.

Flutter: Your mother's symtoms sound exactly like my mother who is in early stage dementia. She is 78 and still lives alone because I live very close, pay her bills and take her meals. Like you I work full time as well. She was diagnosed over a year ago and it's been crazy. She recently started taking antidepressants and this has seemed to help. I recently hired an elder care companion for her to come in three days a week and am hoping it will move to fulltime situation. I would recommend getting educated about dementia, don't feel guilty and get help if you need it. Good luck.

There are a lot of very good suggestions here. The issue that was not fully addressed was the prescription drugs. If the drugs are not working, take action. Inform the physician and also get an opinion from a specialist. It is possible that the drugs are helping, not helping, or making things worse. Believe it or not, drugs often make things worse. Find out more about any drugs prescribed using the Physicians Desk Reference online or in your public library. Drugs tend to suppress symptoms but I am not aware of any that cure dementia. The side effects can be serious. People have different opinions, but I am not an advocate of drug treatment. There are psychiatrists (not many) who feel the same way. Exercise, diet, vitamin supplements, being occupied, and social activities seem to help my mom a lot. She does not take drugs. Her specialist, a prominent geriatric psychiatrist, has prescribed no drugs, although another doctor had. My mom loves pets and children and the outdoors. Find out what your mom likes, what lifts her up, and bring more of those into her life.

jeannegibbs...My husband has mild dementia which started 5 yrs ago and started on aricept then. It is not really bad so far as he sleeps till 12:30 or 2:20 PM. He likes to do puzzles and play cards oh yes collect rocks. We are from WA and have gone south for winter and live in our motorhome winters. He wants to know where I am and I don't leave him unless I tell him ahead of time (he forgets) and leave a note at pool etc. My question how bad did it get for you and did you get help in or out of home. We have long term care we have not used yet. I want to have it for the bad stages and his Mom lived to 100, brother is 93 now w/similar thing. He does not drive, I must give him his pills, remind him to shower. He eats less, never reads,and can't follow theme of movies but will watch ball games doesn't care who is what or who wins. It seems the action is all he cares for and will go to sleep watching.. He probably sleeps total 16 - 18 hrs a day. He can stay awake 9 to 9 if we are on the go. His gate is also slower and forget the hurry part, I plan for extra time.

Last Labor Day, I moved in my to my Parent's home to help my 87yo father care for my 86yo mother. She had short term memory loss for years, but suddenly developed profound fluctuating symptoms - night wandering, delusions, hallucinations, spatial disorientation, expressive and receptive aphasia, inability to recognize family, depression, confusion. The key here was that the symptoms were not always present.

We live in a smaller community and utilized our local resources. We were guided by my Mom's primary care physician. Mom, first had a CT of the head with and without contrast. Then, she had neuropsych testing by a local psychologist. Then, we were referred to a neurologist. Mom was found to have Lowey Body Dementia(LBD) and a series of mini strokes. She was started on Galatamine, which almost eliminated the spatial disorientation, delusions and hallucinations.

I would encourage you to seek help in diagnosing your Mom's condition. I would also recommend researching dementia on the internet. Just knowing "what I was dealing with" gave me peace, courage and strength.

I completely understand your situation. My mother has lived with me for 15 months now and she suffers from dementia, incontinence and has given up walking so in a wheelchair. It can be extremely stressful and I have many days where the anxiety is flying high. All she wants to do is sleep, but if I let her sleep during the day, she is up all night which doesn't work for me because I work 2 jobs. Luckily, she is able to afford in home care givers for when I am at work. But when I am not working, I am taking care of her. All I can really suggest to you is to continue to take deep breaths and be sure to take time for yourself. You need to have some down time. People don't realize how hard this is to take care of an aging parent. And....I have also vented on here many times, just to get it out, it helps. I have a small book called "The Art of Dementia Care" and would be happy to send it to you if you would like. Just repost to this and I will send. Bless you and good luck.

mlface, has your husband been diagnosed with a specific kind of dementia? That can help you know what to expect and help the doctors form a treatment plan. My husband had Lewy Body Dementia.

His symptoms were very mild for about 5 years. His behavior remained mild -- no outbursts, agresssion, etc right to the end, but he became more confused and I felt it was not safe to leave him alone for more than 20 minutes to go to the drug store. The first help I had was sending him to an adult day health program. A van picked him up and brought him home. He went 9 to 3 two or three days a week. I made all my appointments for those days. When he became too confused for that program he stayed home and we got a personal care assistant 32 hours a week. Glorious! She got him up, shaved, teeth brushed, dressed, and made him breakfast. She did puzzles with him, watched tv with him, went for walks (he on his mobility scooter), helped him bathe, at the beginning went on outing with him, and did laundry while he slept. I worked fulltime from home, and this was a real blessing for me.

I laughed at "forget the hurry part" -- yup, "hurry" "fast" and "quickly" went completely out of my husband's vocabulary. He couldn't think fast, he couldn't walk fast, he couldn't act fast. We both learned to make allowances for that.

I found what worked well for viewing entertainment was DVDs of old television shows he used to like. With no commercials to interrupt, familiar characters, and a familar plot convention, he could usually enjoy these. We watched the entire series of Sherlock Homes together, also Columbo, some Mash, Murder She Wrote, etc.

He was on a number of drugs and for him they were very effective at managing the symptoms and improving his (and my) quality of life.

Good luck to both of you, mlface.

Bless your heart. Every dementia patient poses different challenges for each caregiver, so it's definitely not a one-solution-fits-all answer. But, having cared for my mom for the past several years, I can offer a few tips that I've learned through trial and error:
- You cannot do this alone. If your budget allows, hire a caregiver who can take care of your mother for part of every week. (Your sibIings should be expected to contribute financially since they cannot be there to help you with your mother's care.) When hiring, it's advisable to get trustworthy personal referrals from friends, nursing homes, etc. since this person will be in your home, transporting and caring for your mom. Hopefully, you can find a caregiver who has experience with dementia patients and will not be surprised or offended by her mood swings, delusions and fits of anger.
- Your other option is to place your mother in adult day care on a regular basis to give you some alone time to rest and regroup. It will be money well-spent and again, your siblings should help with the expenses. We live in a small rural community (less than 15,000) but are blessed with an excellent multi-level, continuing care facility.
- Research the support groups and medical specialists in your area. It is best if your mother can be seen by a doctor or nurse practitioner who specializes in geriatric care. There are many resources available for dementia patients and their caregivers in most metro areas.
- Closed captioning is a great solution to the blaring tv issue.
- You might want to read The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss (A Johns Hopkins Press Health Book) by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins. It will help your family understand and cope with your mother's symptoms.
I hope some of these suggestions are helpful and that you find the support that you and your family need during this challenging time.

I am torn by the needs of my mother has early dementia and can't maintain her apartment or take care of her finances. I have Power of Attorney.. She has no physical health problems. I have several including asthma and copd. Her friends say I should take her in but it will be the end of our 50 yr. marriage if I do. How do I cope?

mattie, continue to take care of her finances. Find her an excellent Assisted Living Facility, preferably one that also has a memory care unit that she can transition to if the need arises. Visit her often -- daily if possible. Take her on occasional outings. Be her advocate. See that she has the best care the facility can provide. Resolve all issues as they arise.

There is more than one way to honor your mother and take care of her. In your situation I don't think it is under your roof.

Suggestion for dealing with the sisters. Ask them to come once every 6 months (separately) to give you a break. They will see what you are doing and will learn all you have given up to make their lives easier. (We won't tell them of the satisfying things. That is our secret.) My sister lives out of state. I am very fortunate. She is wonderful and always there for me, even when I call just to gripe. One week she came over here when I got sick. 1 day in and I got a call. She was almost in tears and was apologizing. She said "I can't even do 1 day". I just started laughing. She sounded so miserable. Maybe it is that one gets used to everything when it is a daily thing, but people new to the situation are overwhelmed. Getting a taste of the real life will generally shut "kibitzers" up.
Take care of yourself and good luck.

mlface - I found a solution, for us, for needing to be away from my father and him getting upset about it. Maybe it will work for you. I blew up a picture of my mother and made an 8x10 sign telling Daddy we had to go out shopping. It tells him we love him & will be back soon. I put it in a binder with one of those clear pockets on the front. The sign says "________ is staying with you until we get back". Then I write the name of whoever is staying with him in the blank on the plastic with a dry erase marker. Before we leave, I stand the binder up on end within his eye sight. That way it is a constant reminder to him that we are gone, will be back, he is loved and there is someone there to take care of him.