I'm 59 and mom is 89. I lived in Manhattan for almost 35 years and since both my parents needed more help, I started staying with them 4 nights per week - drs appts, medication management, etc. Once dad died 2.5 yrs ago, mom couldnt be left alone anymore. I still have my apartment in Manhattan but have stayed with her ever since. My mom and dad use to fight everyday ....we all thought, if dad died first, mom would relax...instead she got anxious and depressed.....who would have thought the fighting kept her going. Mom never complained about housework...for almost 60 yrs she did it all, food shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc - it was her job as she use to say. My mom and I never argued and she never yelled at me. Now that I'm here, trying my best to help with everything - she seems to get angry at me all the time. I do all the food shopping, help with cooking, help with luandry, take her to all drs appts, clean the house, and help her shower etc etc.....yet - she hates how I cook, hates how I clean, hates how I do laundry etc etc....she is so upset that she needs my help that she takes it out on me.....if I ask her if she needs help with dinner, she gets angry - if I dont ask her, she gets angry....I don't know what to do anymore - everything I do triggers her...she is in emotional and physical pain and has diabetes, heart failure and high BP plus can barely walk anymore - she is so angry that she can't do what she use to do....yet, she has me that is able and willing to help and yet she gets angry at me.....since covid struck, my brother, myself and mom have quarantined in moms home. I work PT but brother works ft and 12 hr days. He doesn't do much to help with anything and mom is a ray of sunshine when he is around and has never once yelled at him.......I am doing everything (and don't mind) and she takes out all her pain and suffering on me.....I try not to react but sometimes it's hard....yesterday she was cooking Sunday dinner - I set everything up before hand and she just had to cook.....I didn't ask her if she needed help since week before I did and she yelled at me.....my brother goes into kitchen and she was a ray of sunshine - he goes out...I go into kitchen and ask if she needs help (she was struggling to stand) and she yells at me and I was in SHOCK....I don't know what to do. I have spoken to her about this but nothing changes.....I guess I just have to be patient and realize she isn't really angry at me...I think? The last thing I want to do is remember fighting with my 89 yr old mother (who I love dearly) but I feel I became my father to her.....btw we all survived covid in nyc in March - mom was actually hospitalized...I feel it's such a miracle and that's why it's so upsetting to have her angry with me
When she calls you, and she WILL call you, crying that she needs help and yada yada, THEN is the time to let her know that you're not a whipping post and will no longer tolerate the abusive behavior she's been dishing out. Then decide what you will and will not do for her, and draw up a set of boundaries. Days you will go over, things you will do for her, etc. And let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not accept ANY MORE yelling or abusive behavior from her. The minute she starts in on that, you are OUT of her house. Period. Then stick to your guns ALL the time. She will, in short order, understand that you mean business.
Until that showdown happens, she's in charge.
When people come here to tell you Oh This Is Your Mother And You Are Blessed And Lucky To Have Her In Your Life So Suck It Up, move on from those guilt inducing comments and take charge of YOUR life once again!
You can do this! Have faith in yourself and draw the line now, you deserve to.
GOOD LUCK!
I am glad that you kept your apartment. I know this situation is difficult for you. I am sure that you miss living in your apartment.
You sound very loving and caring but that doesn’t mean that you have to volunteer to be your mother’s doormat.
I am sorry that you went from getting along to her mistreating you. It seems like the frustration that she had with your father is now dumped on you.
Does she have money to hire help? Are there any facilities that she could go to?
Then you could go back to being a daughter instead of a caregiver. I know Covid has changed everything and it’s very unsettling but perhaps you could do some research.
It’s really hard when the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I hope that you find a viable solution soon.
Your reply makes me think you are righter! - and that part of what's going on might be that your mother feels freer to express herself with you than with brother.
Which I guess is - :/ sort of - a compliment. She can be herself with you. And unfortunately, as you point out, her inner self is going through a great deal of pain and suffering just now
Oliver James recommends what he terms "love bombing" with difficult adolescents - you send waves of love and approval over them, is the basic idea, and extinguish the flare ups. (He might be horrified at my very loose description, but that's the gist).
Have you tried anything soft but simple, such as "mother, I do understand how difficult (x) must be, but please don't yell at me."
I wonder if it might also be better (for not getting your head bitten off, anyway) to observe and give practical support as needed, but without comment. E.g., for a person struggling to stand, we would provide "minimal physical support" (you can get training in techniques for this) and/or place her stick/walking frame correctly - perhaps talking about it draws attention to the difficulty and makes her irritable. It's only an idea: you know your mother best.
How did your father react? - did it get him down, or was this just their way of being?
I would agree with everyone's advice to call it a day and move back to your apartment, except that sure as eggs is eggs your mother will then be angry about that. Only, of course, you won't be having to live with it... There is that?
How did you and your mother interact before? Used you to have a reasonably good relationship?
I am so often shocked by the abuse we as adults take from our elderly parents---well into our 60's and even 70's we fins ourselves kowtowing to angry parents.
My MIL is ike this--sweet as pie to her one daughter and hostile and angry to her 2 sons. There is no rhyme or reason for it. She divorced her DH so many years ago--but still gets a swivet about something he did or didn't do 70 years ago. It's hard for me (as a bystander) to listen to her harp on something that happened in 1928 for the love of pete!
Some people need a whipping post and they randomly choose one. When the one they had disappears--they usually find someone else. It's important in their lives to have someone to blame, complain about and even hate.
Don't let it be you anymore. Have a heart to heart w/brother and let him know how badly this is affecting you. Help him to find aides to come in and help during the time he's not home and walk away.
She will not change, sorry. At 89? She is about the 'best' she's going to be.
When you get home, start thinking about setting boundries. Brother is there so he must be capable of doing laundry. (I hope u weren't doing his) Him picking up odds and ends and you doing the weekly shopping. You can still take her to Dr. visits. How much cleaning do u need to do? I clean as I go. There are Swiffer products for dusting. Clorox wipes for wiping things down. Brother can at least straighten up. A lightweight vacuum or a electric broom for quickies. Maybe Mom can hire someone to do a deeper cleaning once a month. Maybe hire someone to make her breakfast and lunch and do light housekeeping. They are called Home Health aides.
The only way Mom is going to see she needs help, is to let her do. Its going to be hard at 89 but she needs to see that she is verbally abusing you and that you deserve to be respected. The only way she will realize that is for you not to be there. And if she asks for help, maybe just stay during the week and go home on weekends.
I would suggest a stool for her to sit on while getting dinner ready. My Aunt used to sit at the kitchen table peeling potatoes, etc. Let brother suggest it. I believe in using the person who seems to get thru.
Good luck and come back and tell us how things work out. We learn from each other.
How your mom reacts to your brother is probably 97% not very closely related to you.
How angry depressed anxious distressed Mom is? Most likely her own struggles within the misery that has dropped into her life since the loss of your dad, fear of the unknown, and being part of the generation that just didn’t talk things out with “the kids”.
If you’re saying “being patient” and meaning “silently absorbing being treated like a naughty slave”, then No, that’s not your job as a good child.
But talking to another older woman, a doctor trained in geriatric care, a church person, a cleaning lady, (please add your own possibilities ........) SOMEONE ONE ELSE BESIDES YOU might help, and another thing that might work is a paid companion and another is a soothing carefully chosen small dose of medication.
What’s your brother’s take on this. Has he seen the kind of verbal interaction that (rightly) distresses you? What are his thoughts? Could HE intercede on your behalf?
There will come a time when she will troops the line between “.....independent but can’t be left alone....” and “needs consistent ongoing day to day care and support”. Since she is for all intents and purposes totally reliant on you for her “independence”, what will happen then?
Don’t forget that you are responsible for YOUR welfare as well as hers.
Can she do the laundry? Sure it might take 3 hours for her and it takes you 1 hour BUT can she do it? If so let her do the laundry.
Can she clean? If so let her do what she can.
Can she cook? Or heat up a meal that might be in the freezer?
Is it safe for her to be in her house for a day or two by herself?
This is HER house not your house. You are a guest in her house.
As long as it is safe for you to do so I would back off as much as possible.
Yes you want to keep her safe but by doing everything for her you are taking away a bit of the independence that she has left.